Hello fellow Tomb Raiders, how has your latest adventure been? For those of you fortunate enough like me to have played Lara's latest series Tomb Raider Anniversary, I'm sure at one point or the other you have suffered many a tragic deaths trying to grasp onto seemingly 'graspable' walls, jump down onto ledges below only to fall into your oblivious death, or the classic have the infamous T-Rex eat you for dessert. Well all this and more has been the inspiration to share some of my experiences whilst playing this awesome game as the sadist side of me began to slowly but surely enjoy allowing Lara plummet to her doom, more so as a means of relieving stress from a lack of patience after playing seemingly endless levels. So after reliving past deaths experienced from some of the former series as well as gaining new ones in Anniversary, I now present to you in 8 easy steps:
How to kill Lara Croft
Feel like taking a dip into the cool waters below? Jump right in and explore the depths those pools have to offer, and don't worry about leaving her under too long, she's a thrill seeker. And you know what they say; they're made for death!
So you're on a waterfall, or just high up on a mountainous track. Nice view from above huh? Why not take a closer look at the ground below; dive down head first, the dirt provides lovely cushion to a shattered skull!
Golden rule number one; violence is never the answer! So if she gets in a fight, put down those pistols and opt for activating the "talk" feature and allow her to reason with her assailant a more peaceful method of…wait, there's no talk feature?…ah well just put down your guns and enjoy the show!
Ah, it must be tiring jumping from ledge to ledge. Eventually your hands would hurt and you'd be sweaty from all the swinging. Come on, take a little break and let go for a while. I'm sure the wind in her face while falling would cool her down… and don't worry bout the height you'd be falling from. The higher the better. That just means more time to chill before you plummet to your death!
Come on everybody, let's take a break from all this hard work and play a game. How bout a little football? Got no ball? Well I'm sure a massive boulder would be a fine substitute. So pick up the pace and use your foot to start running from the ball. Ah don't worry if you get worn-out from running, stop and play roll-over with the boulder instead, it won't mind… after all it is your friend.
Didn't anyone ever tell you spikes are extremely therapeutic? After all, our gal here has travelled to India and Tibet where she learned the healing nature of the pointed objects. So let go of that "X" button and leave her be to 'heal'.
See any glass on the floor, run through it! Trust me the excruciating pain she'll feel is worth seeing the dramatic fall of death she encounters after each splinter makes its crystalline way through her system and into her heart…yeah…
Did I ever mention that she loves animals? Let her play with those sharks and piranhas under water, she just loves it when they nibble chunks out of her flesh, those adorable grizzly bears have loads of fun throwing her lifeless body into the air like a rag doll, and she's having fun too don't worry. And don't neglect the lions and tigers y'all…cute kitties!
So my fellow gamers why not try one of my tips there and see what happens. I'm sure you'll get great joy in hearing her symphony of anguished cries after you've tried a million and one times to get her to do EXACTLY as you want her to do and she fails. After her punishment, the ride is sure to be much smoother, trust me. Just be sure to save where necessary, otherwise you're a jackass ;)
BTW: Edios has full rights to this game, not me, so don't you ever say I said I did (nah nee nah nee boo boo)