Jacob Sissorhands, a twilight fanfic

Jacob Sissorhands

OLD KAYLA

Snuggle in, sweetie. It's cold out there.

Kayla wraps up the little girl in blankets and looks at the snow.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Why is it snowing, grandma? Where does it come

from?

OLD KAYLA

Oh, that's a long story, sweetheart.

GRANDDAUGHTER

I want to hear.

OLD KAYLA

Oh, not tonight. Go to sleep.

GRANDDAUGHTER

I'm not sleepy. Tell me, please.

OLD KAYLA

Well, all right. Let's see. I guess it would

have to start with scissors.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Scissors?

OLD KAYLA

Well, there are all kinds of scissors. And once

there was even a man who had scissors for

hands.

GRANDDAUGHTER

A man?

OLD KAYLA

Yes.

GRANDDAUGHTER

Hands, scissors?

OLD KAYLA

No, scissorhands. You know the mansion on top

of the mountain?

GRANDDAUGHTER

It's haunted.

OLD KAYLA

Well, a long time ago, an inventor lived in

that mansion. He made many things, I suppose.

He also created a man. He gave him inside, a

heart, a brain, everything. Well, almost

everything. You see, the inventor was very old.

He died before he got to finish the man he

invented. So the man was left by himself,

incomplete and all alone.

GRANDDAUGHTER

He didn't have a name?

OLD KAYLA

Of course, he had a name. His name was Jacob…

Knock Knock...

A mid-aged women called Emily stands outside a completely green house in a pink suit and pink brief case.

EMILY

Avon calling.

ROSALIE

Weren't you just here?

EMILY

No, not since last season. Today I've come to

show you our exquisite new line of soft colors

in shadows, blushes and lipstick. Everything

you need to accent and highlight your changing

looks.

Emily starts opening her bag.

ROSALIE

My changing looks? That's good.

(Rosalie chuckles)

EMILY

Well, it goes that saying and I also have a

complete selection of your old favorites, those

tried-and-true products we've all come to

depend on year-in and year-out.

ROSALIE

Come on, Emily. I never buy anything from you.

You know that?

EMILY

I know. Bye, Rosalie.

A girl stands in a all yellow house glancing at the man bent down in front of her.

REPAIRMAN

You know, you didn't have to call me, ma'am.

You could have taken care of this by yourself.

LEAH

I could? I don't think so.

REPAIRMAN

Yeah, you see, it's easy. The food trap's

clogged. That's all. You see this bolt here?

You just unscrew this. OK? And out she pops.

LEAH

You know, on TV they say you repairmen are

lonely bunch of people. Housewives get lonely

too. Although you may not realize it since they

haven't made a commercial on the subject.

She bends over and fiddles with the top button of her top.

REPAIRMAN

And then you just take this and put it back in

here nice and easy. Be careful not to force it,

because it fits in there by itself. And then

you just screw this back on.

(The bell rings.)

LEAH

On no! Who could that be? Will you excuse me

for a moment? Now. Don't go anywhere. I'll be

right back. This is fascinating. I wouldn't

want to miss a moment of it.

EMILY

Good morning, Leah. Avon calling.

LEAH

Why! Emily. Have you gone blind? Can't you see

there's a vehicle in my driveway?

EMILY

Oh, yes.

LEAH

Well, I'm surprised you don't realize that

means I'm busy.

(Leah shuts the door with a

bang.)

Now Emily is in a red room with hundreds of lava lamps, a teenage girl sits cross legged on her bed.

EMILY

Okay. Now, we should decide on lipsticks. Okay,

dear, what one did you like best? There was the

Winsome Wahini which looked charming on you. Or

the Bahenie Bliss.

A GIRL

I like them both.

EMILY

Well, great.

A GIRL

You don't actually think I have any money, do

you?

(Emily leaves and gets in her car.)

CHILDREN

Ding, dong, the Avon lady.

Then they laugh and hit her pink car with a soccer ball.

EMILY

It's just not my day.

Disappointed Emily sees a mansion through her rearview mirror and drives to the place. She walks in the front gates and sees all the shrubs in random shaped. One shaped like a hand was in the middle of the entire field.

EMILY

Oh, my goodness.

EMILY

Oh, it's so beautiful. Hello?

(Birds flying)

She walks into the dark mansion. A statue of a skeleton with a robe was in the middle of the winding stair case. She starts walking up the stairs.

Hello? Avon calling, oh my. Hello, I'm Emily

Boggs. I'm your local Avon representative.

Hello. I'm sorry to barge in like this. But you

don't have any reason to be afraid. This is

some huge house, isn't it? Thank goodness for

those aerobics classes.

Then she notices a teenage boy hiding in a low part of the ceiling.

EMILY

Hello? Hello. Why are you hiding back there?

You don't have to hide from me. I'm Emily Boggs.

I'm your local Avon representative and I'm as

harmless as cherry pie.

(Emily sees Jacob's scissorhands.)

Oh my! I can see that I've disturbed you. How

stupid of me! I'll just be going now.

JACOB

Don't go.

Emily turned around and looked careingly.

EMILY

Oh my! What happened to you?

JACOB

I'm not finished.

He starts walking towards her his sissorhands stretched out.

EMILY

Uh, put those down. Don't come any closer. Just

please... Those are your hands? Those are your

hands. What happened to you? Where are your

parents? Hum... Your mother? Your father?

JACOB

He didn't wake up.

EMILY

Are you alone? Do you live up here all by

yourself? What happened to your face? Hum, you

know, I won't hurt you. But at the very least

let me give you a good astringent and this will

help to prevent infection. What's your name?

JACOB

Jacob.

EMILY

Jacob? I think you should just come home with

Me…

While driving to her house Jacob is mesmerized by the people and colors. He points his sissors at a group of boys playing .

EMILY

Oh!

JACOB

I'm-I'm sorry.

He puts hands under his chin pointing down.

EMILY

No, Don't be. You go ahead and look you have

every reason to be excited.

Jacob touched his face and accidentally cut his lower lip.

EMILY

Oh! Are you ok?

(Ring)

ROSALIE

Hello.

ALICE

Hi, it's Alice. Listen, I was standing outside

talking to Carol and Emily drove by, she had

somebody in the car.

ROSALIE

Did you get a good look?

ALICE

No, did she say anything to you, about having

guest?

ROSALIE

She didn't say anything. She rang my doorbell

early this morning.

ALICE

No, ok, I'll meet you on the corner. Right,

Bye.

EMILY

Here we go, dear. This is our house. And you

can just go right in and make yourself right at

home. OK? And just, well have something to eat

or drink, whatever you... Here, dear. Here

you... This is the front door here, Here we go,

right in here.

Emily takes him into her house, not knowing her neighbor was watching…

A WOMAN

Leah, I just saw this strange guy drop in with

Emily. I didn't get a very good look at him. He

looked kind of pale. Okay, I'll be right there.

Don't do anything without me. Okay? Bye.

LEAH

Yes, I'll be right there.

EMILY

Here we are. So, oh, this is the living room

and back here, the bedrooms. You want to see

the pictures?

Jacob looked at her family pictures.

All right. Well, this is my

husband, Sam. He's a bowling champion. Do you

know what bowling is? Bowling? Well, here they

are down at the lake, fishing. I think Quil

looks a little glum Because they didn't catch

anything that day. And here's my daughter, Kayla.

All dressed up the junior prom. She's a senior

now. I can't believe it. She's camping in the

mountains with some friends, but she'll be back

in a few days and you can meet her then. Isn't

she beautiful?

Jacob smiled as he looked at her.

That's my family. Now, go on,

dear. I'll show you the rest of the house. Then

you can just freshen up and make yourself at

home. Okay? That's the kitchen over there. You

help yourself to anything you want to eat or

drink. Those are grapes. Back here are the

bedrooms. Let me get you some towels, then I

will see what we can find to wear. You know

what? I think I have some of Sam's old clothes

in here. This is perfect. Here. These should

just fit you.

(The phone rings, Jacob jumps)

Oh, no, no. Don't be alarmed. That's just a

phone. Now you can go in Kayla's room and put

these on. I'll be right with you.

EMILY

No, no, scissors. That's right. Well, he was

born up there or something. Have you seen him

before? No, I don't think he's been off the

grounds before today. You're kidding. How did

you get together with him? I have to go. I'll

talk to you later Alice, Bye-bye.

(to Jacob)

I'm sorry Jacob, I didn't... oh, dear. May I

help you with this?

Jacob was tied up in the clothes, with still no rips in the clothing.

JACOB

Thank you.

EMILY

There you go. Oh, dear, you've cut your face.

Let me get this right off. Does that hurt?

Okay. No, good. Now let's get you dressed.

Okay. There we go. Very fine. You look fine,

just fine. Come on, we can't wait for you.

You've got rollers in your damn hair.

Emily started sowing a small rip in the clothing.

EMILY

Okay. Now what did I do with my sci... Jacob,

um, would you. Thank you. I have a doctor

friend who I think could help you.

JACOB

Really?

EMILY

Yes, I can help with the scars. I just want to

consult the Avon handbook before doing

anything.

EMILY

Quil, it's not polite to stare. Think how it

would make you feel if somebody were staring at

you.

QUIL

I wouldn't care.

EMILY

Well, I would, so don't do it!

SAM

This must be quite a change for you, Ed.

EMILY

I think he prefers Jacob.

SAM

Sure. So what have you been doing up there in

that big old place? I bet the view must be

spectacular, Ed.

EMILY

I was just...

SAM

See all the way to the ocean?

JACOB

Sometimes.

EMILY

Sam, could I have the salt and pepper? Thank

you.

QUIL

Man, those things are cool. You know I bet

they're razor sharp. One karate chop to a guy's

neck...

EMILY

Would you like some butter for your bread?

EMILY

Great.

JACOB

Thank you.

QUIL

Can I bring him to show and tell on Monday?

EMILY

I've had enough.

EMILY

(to Jacob)

You think you can sleep? Things feel strange

now, but soon you'll feel right at home. Good

night.

(Emily tries to cover Jacob's

scars.)

EMILY

The light concealing cream goes on first, then

you blend and blend and blend. Blending is the

secret. More concealing for you? But you

complexion is so fair. Now this has a touch of

lavender in it. Give it a try here. Close

enough. OK. This should do the trick here. I

have another idea. We'll cover up the scars and

start with a completely smooth surface. Don't

eat this stuff! Sports announcements on

RADIO

Hartely into the windup and the strike one

pitch. Swung on and missed strike two. If it's

a hit, the club has 12 hits. But they still

have 11 on the scoreboard and it's 3-1. 0 and 2

the count to Warren. Now they change it to 12

hits.

SAM

Turn it up, Quil. I can't hear it. Quil! No,

make it louder. Sports announcements on

RADIO

Hartely's strike two pitch is hammered.

QUIL

You hear that, Mr. Boggs?

SAM

No, make it louder. Sports announcements on

RADIO

It's going way back. It's gone. It's out of

here. It is history.

QUIL

Dad, look! Sports announcements on

RADIO

A grand slam for Martinez to make it a five-run

inning and blow this game to pieces.

SAM

I'll be darned.

EMILY

They filled the whole tape.

(Emily listens to the recorded

phones.)

RECORDED VOICES

What's going on over there, Emily. Call me...Hi,

it's Alice. Who is he? Call me. Oh, by the

way, here it's pouring rain in the mountains.

You think the kids are okay?...Hi, there,

darling. The gals are all in a tizzy about your

secret visitor. You can't keep him a secret

forever.

SAM

Boy, it's just wonderful, Ed. My god, you, you

have the whole family in there, don't you?

QUIL

Jacob, come here.

(Quil cleans Jacob's

scissorhands with water.)

SAM

No, no, no. That's a terrible idea, son. Go to

the garage and get the oil can. We don't want

him rusting up on this now, do we?

EMILY

Jacob, you did us? Oh, Sam. It's us.

SAM

Yes, it is.

EMILY

Oh, Jacob.

(Esme comes near.)

ESME

It's not heaven he's from. It's straight from

the stinking flames of hell. The power of satan

is in him. I can feel it. God, you have the

poor sheep strayed so far from the path.

JACOB

We are not sheep.

ESME

Don't come near me.

SAM

That's right. Go on. Get out of here. Run!

EMILY

Jacob, don't you listen to her.

SAM

Don't worry about her, Jacob. She's just an

old lonely loony. That's all.

(Women knock on the door.)

WOMEN

Hi!

LEAH

You are all hiding in there like a bunch of old

hermit crabs.

EMILY

Hi, Leah. Hi!

LEAH

Shame on you, keeping your unusual guest all to

yourself. We think that's mighty selfish of

you.

EMILY

No, it, it's... things have just been a little

hectic around here. That's all.

LEAH

Oh, that was so sweet of you to want to correct

the situation. What time does the barbecue

begin?

EMILY

Barbecue?

LEAH

Well, you intend to show your guest hospitality

by introducing him to your friends, don't you?

ANOTHER WOMAN

I'll bring coleslaw.

LEAH

And I will bring the ambrosia salad. What time

was it that you said?

EMILY

What time? Ah... Sam.

LEAH

About five?

ESME

He has been sent first to tempt you. But it's

not too late. You must push him from you. Expel

him. Trample down the perversion of nature.

LEAH

Did you hear that? He's the perversion of

nature. Wow, isn't that exciting? See you

later. Bye bye.

EMILY

I've always said that you really can't have a

picnic or a barbecue without deviled eggs.

They're just the best. They make the thing. Oh,

dear. Jacob. That's wonderful. I didn't know

you chopped all those things. What a really

big...

(Emily notices a cut on his face.)

Oh, all right now. It's just a nick. There's no

need to be nervous, dear. You know, Esme

won't be here and the rest of neighbors there

are really very nice. There's no need to be

nervous. They are so eager to meet you. You

just have to be yourself.

JACOB

Myself?

EMILY

That's right. Just your own sweet self.

QUIL

Hey, play scissors, paper, stone with us.

JACOB

Play scissors what?

NEIGHBOR

I got a doctor friend might be able to help

you. Aren't they most incredible?

EMILY

He did them just like that.

TINKA

This afternoon?

AT THE PARTY

Hi, Mike. How are you doing? Hello, Jack. Hey,

kid. Hey, Hi. George Morroe! Whoa! That's a

heck of handshake. Uh, Harry! Harry! I saw you

on the golf course. You got a dozen of the

melons...

EMILY

(to Jacob)

Are you ok? Do you want something to eat? Are

you hungry? Do you want a cracker?

ALICE

He's so... different completely different, No

kidding mysterious.

LEAH

Do you imagine those hands are hot or cold?

Just think what a single snip could do.

ROSALIE

Or undo.

GEORGE

(to Jacob)

Jake. The guys and I were talking, we'd like

want to invite you to our card game on Friday

night. Would you like that? Only thing is, you

can't cut.

AN OLD MAN

I have my own infirmity. Never did me a bit of

harm. Took some shrapnel during the war and

ever since then I can't feel a thing. Not a

damn thing. Listen Don't you ever let anybody

tell you you have a handicap.

LEAH

Who's handicapped? My goodness! Don't be

ridiculous. You're not handicapped. You're...

What do they call that? Exceptional. My name's

Leah. And I noticed that you have not tasted

any of the ambrosia salad that I made

especially for you. Allow me.

(Leah helps Jacob to eat.)

WOMAN 1

You must try this.

(Many women flock to him)

CLAIR

(to Jacob)

You must try this. It's my mother's recipe.

Let him chew, for heaven sakes with your green

thumb. I could use your help.

HOUSEWIFE

Me, too. There you go.

WOMAN 2

I want a row of angels.

LEAH

Sorry, ladies. But he's promised to come to my

house first.

WOMAN 3

One more.

LEAH

Haven't you, Jake?

JACOB

I did?

SAM

Okay, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup's on.

JACOB

I thought it was shish kebab.

SAM

What?

JACOB

I thought it was shish kebab.

SAM

Yeah, it, it is shish kebab. It was a figure of

speech, Ed. You got to learn not to take things

so literally.

(On hearing that, Jacob looks

back the time the inventor taught

him the etiquette.)

INVENTOR

Let us pretend we're in the drawing room, and

the hostess is serving tea "Now, many numerous

little questions confront us" "Should the man

rise" "When he accepts his cup of tea?" "May

lump sugar be taken with the things?"

JACOB

Hmm, no.

INVENTOR

Is it good form to accept a second cup? "Now,

should the napkin be entirely unfolded." Oh

should the center crease. Be allowed to remain?

It is so easy to commit embarrassing

blunders. "But etiquette humiliation and

discomfort. Mmm yes, boring. Let us switch to,

Um... To some poetry, Hmm?" "There was an old

man from the cape." "Who made himself there,

but they keep such a beautiful shape." That's

right. Go ahead, smile. It's funny. That's

right.

JASPER

Okay, guys, we're home. shh.

KAYLA

I can't believe. Everything's still sopping.

TEENAGE GIRL

I can't wait to take a shower.

SUZANNE

And wash off the mildew.

EDWARD

If my parents set the alarm, I'm screwed I'll

sleep in the yard... again.

KAYLA

I told you to call to say we're coming back

early.

JASPER

Did you?

SUZANNE

He'd rather complain.

EDWARD

How else can I be the center of the attention?

You didn't call your parents.

KAYLA

They don't run their house like a police

station. Bye. Thanks for driving, Jasper. See

you later.

EDWARD

See you later. Bye.

KAYLA

Don't forget your arm.

EDWARD

Oh, yeah.

JASPER

Come on, Edward let's go.

KAYLA

Sam! There's somebody in my room. Go. Look. A

murderer with an axe. He did try to even kill

me.

SAM

It's all right. It's all right.

( to Quil)

Go back to bed. It's only Jacob.

(to Jacob)

This way.

EMILY

Honey, that was Jacob.

KAYLA

Who is he? What are you talking about?

EMILY

Jacob's come to live with us. There's nothing

to be upset about. No, no. It's okay.

SAM

We'll have you a setup here in a minute. Up

with your feet. A queen-size bed here. How do

you like that? It's all made up and everything.

There you go. What's the matter? What's wrong?

She gets you nervous? You've been closed up in

a way in that castle too long. You don't know

anything about the wonderful world of teen-age

girls. They're all crazy. Here some. Straighten

that out.

JACOB

What is it?

SAM

Lemonade. I don't know what it is. They reach a

certain age. They develop these gland things.

Their bodies swell up. They go crazy.

JACOB

Glands?

SAM

yeah, glands. I try not to think about it

(Jacob drinks lemonade.)

Good. Isn't it?

(Emily calms down Kayla.)

EMILY

Now you stay in Quil's room tonight. Tomorrow

we'll fix your room right.

KAYLA

Mom, why did you have to bring him in here?

EMILY

Oh, honey, I couldn't have left him there all

alone. You would have done the same thing.

KAYLA

Why does he have to stay here?

EMILY

Oh, my goodness, Kayla. I'm surprised at you. He

can't help the way he is. Have a little

sympathy.

KAYLA

I do have a little sympathy.

EMILY

Then let's just say hello and later you can

come downstairs and shake his hand.

KAYLA

Shake his hand?

EMILY

Well, not literally. Goodness, you scared him

half to death.

KAYLA

I scared him to death?

EMILY

Hi, Sam. I just wanted you two to have a

proper introduction. Jacob, this is our

daughter Kayla. Kayla, this is Jacob who's going

to live with us.

KAYLA

Hi!

(Jacob falls on the floor.)

LEAH

(to Jacob)

Jake. Thirsty?

(to Kisses)

Kisses, Hush up. Quiet now. I can hardly hear

myself think. Momma's precious little baby

girl.

(to Jacob)

Wouldn't you like a nice cool glass of

lemonade?

JACOB

Lemonade?

(Vomits)

(Bell rings)

QUIL

One chop to guy's neck. And it's all over.

They're the sharpest things in the world. They

can hack through anything. And...

KAYLA

I think they look weird. They give me the

creeps.

A GIRL

You should see the clown in front of Ms.

Peter's yard.

JACOB

Kayla!

KAYLA

Oh, no!

A GIRL

That's him?

EDWARD

He's calling you, Kayla.

KAYLA

Stop it.

A WOMAN

Jacob, you forgot your cookies.

EDWARD

Don't worry, Jake. She's waiting for you.

A GIRL

Let's go.

EMILY

Sam, you know what Jacob told me? He had

lunch at Jackie's today.

SAM

Really?

EMILY

She's just had her kitchen completely redone.

SAM

I'll be darned.

EMILY

New paint, new cabinets, new floors, new

microwave, new Sonnet dishwasher.

SAM

Yeah, isn't that wonderful?

EMILY

Isn't that something? Edward, didn't you tell me

your mom had her kitchen done too?

EDWARD

Yeah, my dad bought himself a bunch of new

toys. Big screen TV, CD players, VCR with four

heads.

EMILY

My goodness sake! I wonder what it's like to be

that rich.

EDWARD

No, they keep things pretty much locked up. My

father has his own room for his stuff to make

sure I can't get and use it. He's so cheap he

won't help me buy my own car.

SAM

Well, he probably wants you to pay for it

yourself. I agree with him. It builds

character. You'll appreciate it more. Speaking

of money, I understand you are not charging for

gardening, Jacob?

EMILY

Now, Sam. Alice made him cookies today.

SAM

Sweetheart, you can't buy the necessities of

life with cookies. You can't buy car with

cookies. Am I right, Edward?

EDWARD

Ah, that's true, sir. You can't.

(Jacob gives a piece of meat to

Kayla's friend.)

A GIRL

I can't eat that. He used his hands. I don't

think it's sanitary.

(Jacob passes the piece to Kayla

but drops it in her lap by

mistake.)

JACOB

I'm sorry.

EMILY

Honey, you want me to help you clean that up?

KAYLA

No, that's okay. I'll be right back.

(Jacob begins styling women's

hair and becomes famous.)

HOUSEWIFE

This can't possibly be my Alexis.

(to Jacob)

She looks so beautiful. Look at you. She's

gorgeous. Thank you.

EMILY

It won't be long. She has just to decide on the

style, and then it will be fine. She just has

to decide what style she wants.

LEAH

I was hoping for something big and bouffant.

Kind of like mine. Don't you worry , Kisses.

You'll be so pretty. Jake, is there anything

you can't do? You take my breath away. I swear.

Look at this. Have you ever cut a woman's hair?

Would you cut mine? That was the single most

thrilling experience of my whole life.

EMILY

We're getting the head of the company.

KAYLA

I'm home.

EMILY

Hi, honey. We're in here.

KAYLA

Hi! What did you do to your hair?

EMILY

Jacob cut it. Isn't it wild?

(on telephone)

Hello. Oh, I can't believe I'm talking to you

in person. This is such an honor. Yes. He's

right here. Great. So then you know all about

it. Aha. That's exactly what I've been using.

Well, I've had a little trouble getting it to

the right consistency. Yeah, right. just a

little. I'll try that. Well, what imaginative

suggestions! I sure will. Thank you so much.

Bye bye.

(to Jacob)

No wonder she's the head of the company. You

know, she started out as a sales representative

just like me. I've always wanted to talk to her

but until now I never had a reason. Thanks,

Jacob.

JACOB

She had some ideas?

EMILY

You bet she did.

(At the Airport)

ALICE

I'll get that.

ALICE

Jacob! We're here. Come on. Let's get you

sharpened up.

EDWARD

You got it?

KAYLA

No, I can't believe this.

(Kayla sees Jacob coming.)

Do you have a key?

JACOB

No.

KAYLA

I could have sworn I put it in here somewhere.

EDWARD

Well, we're stranded.

(Jacob opens the locked door with

his scissorhands.)

KAYLA

Wow! Thanks.

EDWARD

Ed, what a guy! Good job. Hey, you didn't break

it or scratch it or anything. Hey, be a pal and

yell when Emily pulls in, huh?

TV HOST

Quite a story, yes? Any questions for Jacob?

Yeah, get way over. Stand right up.

WOMAN 1

What's been the best part of your new life here

in town?

JACOB

The friends I've made.

TV HOST

Any other questions?

WOMAN 2

Have you ever thought of having corrective

surgery or prosthetics? I know a doctor that

might be able to help you.

JACOB

I'd like to meet him.

TV HOST

We'll give that name after the show. Thank you

very much. That's very nice. Anyone else? Yes,

stand right up.

WOMAN 3

But if you had regular hands you'd be like

everyone else.

JACOB

Yes, I know.

TV HOST

I think he'd like that.

WOMAN 4

Then no one would think you're special. You

wouldn't be on TV or anything.

EMILY

No matter what, Jacob will always special.

TV HOST