Author's Note: The title will be explained in another chapter, where Santana sings the song "Happy" by Leona Lewis, of which this is a lyric. This is my first Glee & Brittana story on here, so I just hope you like it! I love Brittana, and this is my take on Santana's coming out and stuff. Enjoy and review please!
"I'm gay." I gasped, still unbelieving that I had actually just said those words out loud. Granted, it was barely more than a whisper, but it was a huge step forward for me because up until now, I hadn't even been able to say them in my head, I had been so afraid. Two little words and they can make such a big difference in your life. Change it forever. A shiver ran through me at the thought of how people would react when I said it to their faces. Would I even have any friends left? Even my mirror seemed harsh and unforgiving at the news I just gave it. Taking a startled step back, I realized what an impact this would have on my last few weeks at school. But I had to come out; I couldn't put it off any longer. Santana Lopez, the lesbian. It made me want to throw up, but I had to be me, and the truth of the matter was that I was gay. There was no denying it anymore.
Oh Brittany. Sweet, simple Brittany. I only wished I could have her by my side when I made my announcement, but she knew this was something I had to do on my own. I was planning to come out in glee club first, and if things went well I would consider going a little more public. My family would be last. They were the ones I was most afraid of. Not being bullied in school like Kurt, although I didn't exactly like that thought either, but my family. My grandmother, but my parents especially, I knew, wouldn't take the news well at all. They firmly believed that anything out of the ordinary was wrong and that I needed to be normal, like everybody else. The problem was that I couldn't be normal, and they were going to have to accept that.
By now I was laying on my queen-sized bed, hugging a throw pillow and letting myself be comforted by the smooth, satiny sheets against my bare skin. I was just in my underwear, as I had been about to go to bed. My parents were out this Saturday night, and I would normally also be out on a Saturday night, but today I just couldn't bring myself to go anywhere without feeling exposed and judged by everybody I passed, even though I hadn't come out of the closet yet. I needed to talk to somebody, somebody I knew would understand. A tear rolled down my cheek as I reached for my cell phone and dialed Brittany's number. She had told me to be strong, that I didn't need her to do this, but she was wrong. I did. And in my moment of weakness, I pressed send and listened to the ringing. After three rings, she picked up and a huge wave of relief came over me.
"Brittany. I know you told me not to call you until I did it. I know you said I could do it. But I can't." My voice sounded shaky as I poured out my heart to my closest friend and my other half. "I need you, Britt." By now I was sobbing. Pathetic, Lopez. You're pathetic, you know that? A voice inside my head told me. I ignored it and concentrated on Brittany's voice again, letting her soothing tone and caring words wash the panic out of me like it had so many times before.
"Santana. Listen to me. I've told you this before and I'll tell you it again. I believe in you, and I love you, and I know you can do this. If you really do love me, and you trust me, then you are going to go through with it like I always knew you could, and you are going to make me proud. Imagine what it will be like not to have to hide anymore, to be yourself openly and proudly. I want to be with you, but not if it means secrets and lies."
"I do love you, Britt-Britt. More than anything. And I want this so bad. But you have no idea how terrifying this is for me, and I don't understand how you aren't scared by it. You amaze me, with your bravery and your fearlessness, and I want to be with you more than I want to breathe. You know that, don't you?" My voice was still shaking. "Don't you?"
"Make me proud, Santana." The harsh beeping in my ear signalized to me that she had hung up and this conversation was over until I faced my fears and did it. The last thing she said to me kept running through my head. Make me proud. I wished.
Brushing all this aside, I decided to go scouting for some food as I had barely eaten today, I had been so preoccupied with everything going on. Still in just my black lace bra and underwear I walked down into the kitchen, wincing as I felt the cold of the marble staircase on my bare feet, and opened the refrigerator, searching for some form of food, but, as to be expected, it was empty except for a carton of milk, a random cucumber and two eggs. Just perfect. At that moment, my cell phone rang, and the sound of Alanis Morrissette's "You Oughta Know" reverberated around the hollow, high-ceilinged house. I picked it up and saw on the caller ID that it was Puck. Noah Puckerman had been my on-off boyfriend/sex buddy for the past few years but now everything had changed, he just didn't know it yet. Reluctantly, I answered.
"Hey Puck," I said in a tired voice, "what's up?"
"Heeeey, Lopez!", he exclaimed, making a big deal out of himself as usual, "Why so glum? You missin' me? See, I heard about your parents being outta town tonight and I though about inviting myself over for a little fooling around, whaddaya say?" My head started pounding and I took a deep breath to steady myself before replying.
"Sorry, Puckerman. Not today."
"Whoa whoa whoa, slow down here! Nobody refuses the Puckster, 'specially not my lady! You wanna tell me what's gotcha down?"
"Please, Puck. I just can't handle it right now. I'm hungry, I have no food, and I just have a lot going on right now so could you please just forget about it for tonight? I'd really appreciate it." With that, I hung up, not able to take another second of his carefree, straight happiness, wishing more than anything that things would go back to normal, to the days when I would have accepted his offer because I thought I liked boys. But at the same time, I guess I wouldn't want to go back to it. Looking back, I realized how much I had missed. Boys were so silly and dumb. Girls were so much more graceful and elegant, and much easier to talk to.
Deciding I deserved it, I pushed aside all thoughts as far as possible and ran a bubble bath. I placed scented candles next to the bathtub, ones given to me by Brittany, sunk down into the water and concentrated on the intense scent radiating off from them. It reminded me of Brittany, and my heart swelled with love, and for once I thought I could actually do this. But then, all of a sudden, the doorbell rang, abruptly ripping me out of my fantasy world and forcing me back to reality. I quickly put on my mother's smooth black silk dressing gown and rushed to the door. I pulled it open in a flourish, half hoping to see Brittany, but instead I was greeted by Noah Puckerman, with a pizza box in his hand.
Author's Note: Did you like it? Review!