This is a request from Jimenush about the end of Iron Man 3. So spoilers for those who had yet to see it. Hope you'll enjoy it!
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Tony had never truly thought about it after Afghanistan but as he stared at himself in the mirror, his eyes on the reflection of the arc reactor in his chest, it hit him.
Back then, the one thing on his mind had been building the suit and getting rid of his weapons, the ones used by the wrong guys to kill innocents, to kill the people he thought he was protecting. The reactor was needed then. He hadn't yet thought about building others to insert directly in the suit so that the one keeping the shrapnel away wouldn't be used for the suit. It wasn't until Obadiah had taken it out that he thought he needed to make more, but still he didn't think about it yet either.
He hadn't thought about the possibility that was now hitting him fully. In that cave, Yinsen had done all he could with what he had to remove the shrapnel. He couldn't remove all of it but he would never hold any resentment against the man. He was more than grateful to him. If he hadn't saved his life, he wouldn't have got to be with Pepper, to experience what he did. He wouldn't have had this second chance to be better, to do good to the world.
But now…
The arc was just a reminder of the past, of who he was before Afghanistan, who he chose to become after that. The last reminder of the man he wanted to leave behind. He didn't need it anymore (well he did, but if the shrapnel could be removed…). This was the thing that made people think about Iron Man and yet they couldn't actually see what kept him alive was what powered the hero they dissociated him from.
It had been something he had no choice but to live with and he had learned to do so.
His terrible privilege.
He let his fingers fly around the casing that held the arc, ghosting over the scarred tissue there. He didn't even know if it was possible to remove the whole thing after all, he had muscles and bone that had been removed to make the electromagnet fit inside of him. Could that be replaced? He had no doubt for the skin and it might hurt for some time but… Could they replace the part of the sternum that had been sawed?
He let his hand fall back by his side and closed his eyes briefly, wondering what Pepper would say. Would she go along with it? He knew it was such a huge risk, so many things could go wrong with any open-heart surgery but… He needed, ha wanted to do it. He needed a fresh start, complete, whole.
But first he had to know if it was possible. There was no point in talking about it to Pepper if in the end nothing would come out of it.
"Jarvis, find me the best surgeon – one that may have experience with shrapnel and open heart surgery. Get me an appointment."
He was ready to turn the page fully and completely, he only hoped it could be done so that it could be easier for him.
~~{}~~
Tony sat, waiting for Rhodey to turn up, in a corner of the bar they usually go to. His eyes were on the beer in front of him, which bottle he was rolling between his hands, elbows on the hard dark wood of the table. He was lost in thought wondering how he should broach the subject. How could you talk about something like that? Hey, I decided to throw the thing keeping me alive away, you know since there are no more suits, they're not needed – wrong, just wrong. How did people even manage to announce bad news? His wasn't bad per see, but it wasn't fantastic either.
He was turning every possibility inside his head, again and again, not paying any attention to his surroundings. That was why he didn't hear Rhodey sit in the seat facing him, nor did he realize he was calling him until he snapped his fingers in front of his face.
He startled and looked up, eyes wide for a second before he relaxed when he saw who it was. His friend furrowed his eyebrows in concern and leaned forward. "Tony, are you okay? Was it another… you know… panic attack?" God, no, he was getting tired of those. He knew they weren't going to disappear just like that but he just wanted them gone. At least they were happening less and less and he could now sleep again without always waking up, feeling himself falling and lungs incapable of getting oxygen because there was none and… "Tony!" He blinked and crossed Rhodey's very worried gaze. He didn't have one again, did he?
Tony smiled as reassuringly as possible and shook his head. "No, no, I… I was just lost in thought, is all. D'you want something? Beer, piece of tart? You love their apple tart."
Rhodey wasn't convinced fully but he didn't push – he knew it wouldn't do any good – and just sat more comfortably inside his seat, leaning on the back of the chair. "Can't say no to Katie's tart, I guess," he answered with an easy smile.
Tony waved a waitress who immediately came to them, pushing her dark locks behind her ears. She smiled at them and took out a pen and notebook from her apron. "How can I help you, gentlemen?" she asked, her South accent pretty thick.
"I'll take a piece of the apple tart, please, with some beer." She nodded before turning to Tony who just held up his still full own bottle.
"I'll be right back." She turned on her heel and moved back to the bar, while Rhodey moved his eyes back on his friend.
"So…"
"How's everyone back at the White House?" Tony asked, not really interested, but not knowing how to talk about the reactor just yet.
"They're good. Things are coming back to normal," Rhodey answered, not losing his suspicious look. He smiled at the waitress when she brought him his plate and drink. "Thank you." He grabbed the spoon and pointed it at him. "But you don't care about politics."
Tony sighed and took a sip of his beer before putting the bottle back on the table. He crossed his arms over it and leaned forward. "I… I've been thinking."
"That's new," Rhodey quipped, smirking.
He glared at him. "I'm serious here, Rhodey. I… You know how I destroyed the suits and I… I asked Jarvis to erase anything linked to it?" Rhodey nodded, lips set into a line, frowning, wondering where he was going. "The other day I… It never crossed my mind before. I thought it was a no way back thing but then… you know the whole 'why not' thing, better to ask than live with 'what if'." He tapped the arc and saw Rhodey's eyes clear from their confusion. "I asked if it was possible to remove the shrapnel and the electromagnet."
Rhodey pushed his now empty plate aside and leaned on the table, his hand falling on his forearm as he stared into his eyes. "Tony, you sure…"
"I am. I thought about it for hours and when the surgeon said he could do it I…" He let a small smile slip through and shrugged, slowly shaking his head. "It's just a painful reminder Rhodey. I want a new start. I want it gone." And he truly did.
He nodded and smiled, squeezing his arm in understanding. He grabbed his beer with his other hand and held it out between them. "Does Pepper know?"
"I'll talk to her tonight. She's still under stress from the whole Extremis thing. It's gone but…" He didn't elaborate, thinking about how she was afraid of pushing him away, even playfully, how she hesitated before embracing him, still remembering the strength she had not so long ago, a strength that could have killed him so easily. And the nightmares that got her waking up screaming and shivering in the middle of the night. And when it wasn't her, it was him. And yet they made it work. They didn't need more than each other to make it through.
Rhodey nodded and raised his beer. "To a new beginning."
Tony smiled and clinked his beer with his. "To a new beginning."
~~{}~~
Tony wiped his sweaty hands on his pants and bit his lip, looking over the dinner table at Pepper, who was finishing her glass of wine. She saw him look at her and raised an eyebrow, a small smile on her lips. He tried to smile back but failed miserably and sighed, putting his elbows on either side of his empty plate to hold his head in both his hands. He could threaten a terrorist without problem in front of cameras, he could charm his way to angry board directors, he could hold his own against Fury and SHIELD, but when it came to talking to Pepper, he was a nervous wreck.
It was ridiculous.
"Tony?" Pepper's worried voice reached him and he heard her move her chair to come closer to him. Her hand slipped on his forearm and she cupped his right cheek to force him to look at her. "What's wrong? Talk to me," she whispered, her thumb caressing the skin of his cheekbone, soothing him.
He grabbed her hand and kissed her palm before exhaling slowly. "I… I went to see a surgeon yesterday." She opened wide panicked eyes and looked him up and down, trying to determine what was wrong. He squeezed her hand. "I'm fine, I…"
He turned so that he could face her fully and caught her other hand, holding onto both of them tightly. She didn't look away from his eyes, listening intently, waiting for him to continue.
He wetted his lips, eyes glancing at the table, the candles that had half-melted, the roses he bought and put on a vase, the bottle of wine, almost finished sitting between their glasses. The moon was shining through the plate glass window of the dining room, making shadows dance on the leather couch and white floor. Black and white with no shade of grey whatsoever. People seemed to always think in terms of black and white, never seeing a middle could be reached. But grey was so dull, wasn't it? Why settle for grey when you could have colors, bright and wonderful. Yellow like the sun, green like the plains and forests. Blue like her eyes and red like her love.
He tore his gaze away from the darkness outside and back at her and took a breath. "I wanted to know if the shrapnel could be removed." She gasped in surprise and he squeezed her hands again. "He can take it out and… he can remove the electromagnet as well. I won't… need the reactor anymore."
"Tony…" She blinked and looked down at his chest where the reactor was shining through the white shirt he was wearing. She raised a hand to touch it before looking back up at him. "Is it safe?" she whispered.
He shrugged one shoulder, leaning forward until their foreheads touched. "As safe as any open heart surgery." She closed her eyes. "Honey, I want to do it, but… I won't if you don't agree with it."
She squeezed his hand and opened her eyes to look into his. They were shining, the glow of the flames reflecting in them, making her seem strangely surreal. She moved her hand back up to his cheek and ran her thumb along his stubble. "Okay," she breathed out. He never realized truly how lucky he was to have such a woman by his side, so understanding, so perfect until now. How could Killian have thought for a second he could make her any better? She was every dream into one. Fierce, strong, gentle, selfless, so stubborn, so understanding. She held onto him when most people would have run away, she stood up to him when she thought he was wrong, she stayed and encouraged him when no one believed in him. How could he deserve someone like her?
"Okay?" he repeated.
She nodded and smiled at him. "Okay. If you promise me it's safe then yes." He smiled at her and caught her lips briefly before wrapping his arms around her waist and bringing her onto his lap, holding onto her firmly. She laughed softly but embraced him back, kissing his cheek.
~~{}~~
Pepper breathed in and out deeply, watching the nurses and other medical personnel moved around Tony, getting him ready for the surgery. She watched the cardiac monitor, proving to her that right now he was still alright and hoping it would stay that way. She felt a hand on her shoulder and smiled anxiously at Rhodey and Happy, who were both standing behind her, looking just as fearful as her. She looked back at Tony and saw him move his head up and smile.
He waved with his hand before letting his head fall back. She saw the surgeons getting ready and the nurse moved the mask over Tony's mouth and nose. He moved his hand one last time, holding his thumb up, before letting sleep claim him.
She closed her eyes and turned around, not wanting to see them cut him open. Happy put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed reassuringly. "He'll be okay, Pepper. He'll be okay."And she truly believed that. He had beaten the odds so many times, there was no way he could possibly die from an operation surrounded by doctors. If it happened, then wouldn't life just be one cruel joke? Putting him through so many desperate, life-and-death situations to end it all in an operation?
Proof how cruel of a joke life is. Tony would definitively want that on his headstone. Why was she even thinking about it? He would live, or she would kill him herself.
Her phone rang suddenly and she jumped. Rhodey chuckled but immediately stopped when she glared at him. "What?" she snapped on the phone.
"Hum… Pepper Potts?" a timid voice asked.
She softened and sighed. Her boyfriend was in the middle of an important surgery and she was on edge, but she couldn't take it out on people who called her. "I'm sorry. Yes, it is I. How can I help you?"
"I… I'm Bruce Banner, Tony gave me your number, he said to call you when I couldn't join him." She zoned out for a second, wondering why Bruce Banner – she knew who he was thanks to Tony telling her all about him and the Hulk – would want to call Tony. If they needed him… She glanced over her shoulder worriedly. Damn the Avengers to hell if they thought they would take him away from her right now. And if they thought they could intimidate her, then she was going to give her a piece of her mind. Tony was going to go through two weeks of vacation at the very least and no crazy stunt by aliens or gods was going to change that.
"I… He's busy right now. He won't be able to call back until… a long time." But she also knew Tony liked Bruce Banner, so out of them all, she could be nice to him. She had a feeling she might meet him soon.
Silence on the line. She glanced at Rhodey who had an eyebrow raised questioningly. She held up a hand, when she heard Banner inhale. "Is he… Is he alright? I just… I was cut out from the world for the last few weeks and I just… I just learned the news about the Mandarin and…"
Pepper breathed out and nodded – even though she knew he couldn't see her. "He's alright. We all are, doctor Banner."
"Good, good. Do you… You said he couldn't talk to me right now?"
She bit her lip, looking back at Tony again. "I… I think you should call him back in a few days. It'll do him some good to be able to talk to you, maybe even meet up with you." No aliens and gods, just science friends meeting up. Someone Tony could talk to, someone who wasn't there.
"I will. Thank you miss Potts."
She smiled briefly. "You're welcome doctor Banner."
On those words she hung up and closed her eyes, shoulders sagging in relief. She wouldn't have been able to take it if there had been another alien threat, not only seven months after the last one, and with the whole Killian thing… And what would Tony have done anyway? Make another suit so quickly it might fail at the worst time? Fly into battle and have a panic attack?
"Is everything alright, Pepper?" Rhodey asked her gently.
She opened her eyes and gave him a smile. "Yeah. Everything's alright."
He nodded and smiled back, before turning his attention back to Tony. Pepper pushed a stray lock of her hair behind her ear and smoothed out her clothes before turning around to see at what point they were with the surgery.
~~{}~~
Tony looked up from Dummy's mechanical arm when he heard the door open. Pepper smiled at him and removed her high heels before joining him. She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "How's the repairing going?"
He shrugged and blew his breath out. "As well as can be expected. Jarvis's completely good again…"
He raised a finger at the ceiling and the disembodied English voice of Jarvis filled the room. "It is good to see you again miss Potts."
"And to hear you Jarvis," she smiled. "What about that poor robot?"
Tony winced. "Dummy's still not quite operational again. I couldn't get You and Butterfingers back though. They were too… damaged," he murmured sadly, running an affectionate hand along Dummy's arm. He didn't think it through when he threatened the Mandarin. When he gave his address, he knew something might happen but… he never thought the whole house would end up blown up. If he had predicted something like that… he would have never done it, especially knowing his bots were in there, trapped. They couldn't escaped. He had been lucky enough to be able to get Dummy back…
Pepper smiled sadly and wrapped her arms around his waist, putting her head on his shoulder. He breathed her in and put his hand over hers, letting his own head lean against her own. "You'll make them back," she whispered.
He made a non-committed sound and suddenly remembered something. "Bruce called. He wanted to have news. I asked him to meet up with me, you know, to talk." He moved his side to the side to be able to see her and her reaction.
She smiled. "That's good." She reached up and put her hand on his chest, freezing for a moment before sighing and laughing of her own stupidity. "I always… It will take some getting used to." Definitively. His skin was still sensible from where used to be the reactor and he still wasn't comfortable with the metal replacing part of his sternum but he had no doubt he would be.
He smiled and made his chair turn so that he could face her. "We have all the time we need. Right now, you're the only thing on my mind." They will be fine. He knew it.
She playfully added: "And Dummy."
He chuckled and put his forehead against hers. "And Dummy," he agreed.
They both closed their eyes, basking in this simple moment of peace and happiness.
No more distractions. No more running after bad guys.
No more terrible privilege.
What did you think? Reviews are love :)
AngelShep