I knew.
In my heart, I knew.
That this happiness could never last, that I was never meant to feel such bliss without calling the gods' envy upon me.
I was never meant to be beside her.
..But…
I could have never lived without her.
…
…
…
…
Alice looked across the table, to the frail figure that struggled to lift a teacup to her lips.
She watched her try and try, barely managing to hold the mug without spilling its contents. Her companion's hand trembled and with each light shake they gave, Alice's grip on her own teacup tightened.
An old woman
The Rainbow Puppeteer gritted her teeth attempting to control the waves of anger that were quickly growing inside her.
An old woman
Marisa was an old woman
They were having tea together, just like they had done for the last seventy years. Marisa was cladded in black, like always, and refused to take off her witch hat, like always. But, as much as she tried to keep things as they had been, she was failing miserably, for those times could never come back to them.
Alice knew.
Time was cruel.
Nothing but a voracious monster that destroyed empires, consumed life, erased hope.
It was slowly gnawing the person in front of her.
With every passing day, hour, minute, second…it was eating her away.
Her loved one was dying.
She felt so stupid.
Marisa smiled at her, accentuating the multiple wrinkles on her translucent skin. The Puppeteer turned her head, avoiding her gaze.
She couldn't bear it.
Time was a hateful creature. And it was unstoppable.
Alice's heart clenched inside her ribcage in a way that almost made her cry out in pain.
Humans…they had to die. Unlike youkai, their lifespan was incredibly short and they were gone in the blink of an eye.
And she had willed herself to forget that, in a desperate pursuit of happiness.
And she had tried everything within her powers to prevent it from happening.
All things were destined to perish, she knew. Even in Gensokyo, few had escaped such fate and the ones who had managed to do so had paid a high price for their sin.
She had bargained and threatened and pleaded and begged. There was nothing she wasn't willing to do to keep her alive. And yet, no one had helped her, they wouldn't let her do anything to Marisa. The Ordinary Magician had decided to remain human and that was a choice they had to respect. Alice needed to learn that and let go.
She wasn't ready to let go. She'd never be.
Everything around her seemed to mock her.
The clear spring skies that could be seen from the window and the colors of dusk blending towards sunset, the gentle movement of the trees that surrounded her cottage, even her own warm home and her neatly set porcelain. The wind that passed through the Forest of Magic, scattering flower petals from unknown places. The dolls that awaited her orders, resting on the shelves around the house. The teapot, the silver spoon. They all had voices and they were all chanting: this is a lie and it won't last for much longer.
They were maddening in their normality.
Alice shot up abruptly causing the plates to clatter.
Marisa looked at her confused, concern written all over her face.
"STOP!"- yelled the Doll Maker- "STOP! STOP! STOP!"
She slumped back to her seat and started crying convulsively.
Marisa rose from her chair, putting all her effort in moving her stiff limbs. The Ordinary Magician made her way to the Puppeteer as fast as she could, every step feeling like she had concrete instead of feet. But Alice needed her.
"Shush"- whispered the black-white stroking the Doll Maker's silky blond hair- "I'm here"
"Stop…"- repeated the youkai hoarsely- "I can't take it anymore…"
"Alice…"- murmured Marisa hugging her- "It's not so bad…"
"Not so bad?"- retorted Alice looking at her with red stained eyes, an angry frown forming in her face- "You are dying, Marisa! I'm not blind! You don't have much left…not more than a few days…a week at best …and you dare tell me it's not so bad?!"- she yelled again
"Are you tired of living with a granny like me?"- asked the Magician trying to lessen up the mood
"I'm tired of seeing you wither in front of my eyes!"- cried the Puppeteer- "What am I supposed to do once you're gone?! What?!"
"You're supposed to live, Alice"- answered the Magician simply
The Doll Maker escaped her embrace and turned to her with an incredulous expression.
She took her time to scan Marisa's face. The smooth, rosy-cheeked face she had known had been replaced by a wrinkled one, with paper-thin skin devoid of color. It highlighted the sunspots scattered across it. Her lips weren't as warm and plump as they used to be, having been replaced by a thin line. The only thing that hadn't changed were Marisa's eyes, which were still stunning in their beauty. The black-white had never stopped being beautiful to her, but whenever she looked right into her eyes she remembered why she had decided to stay with her despite her best judgement.
They were golden and deep, framed by long dark lashes. Even when she wore a mischievous expression, they were gentle. When she looked at her they held all the tenderness in the world. They were loving…
"I can't live without you"- whimpered Alice- "I can't, Marisa. If I lose you, there's nothing else in this world for me"
"Don't say that"- started the Magician, caressing the Doll Maker's cheek-"Hurting you like this is the hardest thing I've ever done…but this is something I need to 'do'. I promise you, wherever I end up, I'll still be worrying about you. And I'll still be in love with you"
She moved forward and delicately pressed her lips to Alice's.
She could only imagine how she was feeling.
Alice had faced the death of most of the people she knew with a straight face. Holding back the tears when Reimu died, giving off condolences when Sanae followed suit, consoling Remilia when Sakuya had tumbled in the lake and drowned. Keeping silent when Yuuka disappeared, placing flowers upon her grave.
And then…she had to say goodbye to her, after all those years together.
They had seen the other grow in power and wisdom. Shared happiness and pain. Taken care of each other whenever they were sick or injured. Every important moment, Alice had been there.
Her now thin and creaky arms managed to set themselves around the Puppeteer's neck as she added more pressure to the kiss, trying her best to convey all the love and grief of her heart.
I love you
I love you
Alice, I love you
Please know that
They separated and Marisa dried Alice's tears with her thumb. She looked the same way she did when she had confessed: flawless features and eyes glimmering with tears. But those had been tears of joy, she thought bitterly.
"I thought you wanted to be immortal"- said the Doll Maker accusingly, resting her head on the black-white's shoulder
"I did"- Marisa chuckled- "When I was young and reckless"
"You could've been immortal. And we could've been together forever"- mumbled Alice angrily
"No, Alice"- replied the Magician patting her back- "You're not immortal. You're a youkai. And while you'll continue to live for centuries after I…leave, some way or another we would've been separated. And…even though you can't understand it, my humanity is dear to me. I can't give that up"
"Not even for me?"- asked the Puppeteer looking at her
Marisa seemed caught by surprise but then she smiled softly and shook her head
"I'd do anything for you, Alice. But what would I win by giving myself up? I am a human. Tell me, would you have loved me even if I weren't myself? All of me has been shaped by my mortality. There's no 'immortal' me. Just…human me. And you fell in love with me…human me"
"Don't remind me that…"- spat Alice
"It's the truth. And you can't escape it. But don't let it defeat you. We'll see each other again! Think of this…whatever I have left, we can spend it together"- said the black-white, putting her bony hands on her shoulders- "When I die…the last thing I want to see is you. So please stay…until I fly away"
"It's easy for you to say" - pleaded the Puppeteer taking Marisa's hands in hers - "you're the one who gets to enjoy every last minute! But me…I have to stay here! All there's left for me is agony. As long as there's magic inside me, I won't die and I'll have to bear this…existence without you!"
The Ordinary Magician looked into her partner's eyes and sighed, unable to continue the conversation. It was pointless. Why couldn't they try to create happy memories while they could? Alice was right, she didn't have much left. She knew her own body and its legendary vitality was slipping through her fingers like sand. The only thing that kept her going was her will. She couldn't leave without knowing that the Doll Maker would be fine…
She needed to make every second count…Time was already stretching its arms hoping to claim her life.
"Just a little more"- thought Marisa making her way upstairs under Alice's apprehensive stare.
The Puppeteer had her fingers ready to control an army of dolls in case she needed help but she liked to do things on her own. Even though she was now Granny Kirisame she still had her pride. At least she would make the effort.
Once she had managed to go up without tripping she turned and beckoned for Alice. The Doll Maker sighed, glad that Marisa hadn't hurt herself and gracefully followed her to their bedroom.
Alice looked around and nostalgia filled her.
The room had not changed in all those years.
It was the same room that Marisa had happily claimed as the new master (sparking) bedroom when she moved in, right after her twentieth birthday. The whimsically organized place that mixed her refined boudoir and chair with the black-white's rustic bookshelf and desk. Books were scattered all over since both of them were avid readers and researchers. The double bed was neatly made and the light pink covers and white pillows contrasted nicely against the dark wood of the headboard.
She walked towards the window, gently tugging the fabric of the curtains as she passed by. She couldn't look at the cream-colored walls anymore. They were decorated with photos and portraits, turning them into a painful reminder of all the friends that had already left her. Too many memories to handle.
Alice glanced at the darkening sky and the first stars that appeared. Soon, it would be the Magician's bedtime. For the grunts that came from Marisa, it was safe to say that said Magician was aware of it too. As she grew older, her need for sleep grew and now she couldn't stay awake past nine pm. Neither could she change into her pajamas without help, so with a strained smile, the Puppeteer complied, putting all the care in the world into taking the black robes off her partner and buttoning the white silk nightgown she used.
Marisa got under the covers and patted the spot beside her.
Alice turned off the lights and joined her, giving her back to Marisa. The black-white put her arm around her waist and snuggled her, breathing in her scent.
"Are you still mad at me, Ali?"- whispered the Magician
"I will never forgive you, Marisa"- murmured the Puppeteer intertwining her fingers with the black-white's
"You've always looked beautiful under the moonlight"- commented Marisa admiring how the silvery light of the moon casted shadows on her lover-"Alice, do you remember the first night we slept together?"
"It was after the Imperishable Night incident"- answered the Doll Maker- "You said you were too lazy to fly back to your own place so I let you stay with me…we shared this bed…"
"Under the moonlight, just like now"- finished the Magician smiling against Alice's neck- "happiest night of my short life"
"Why are you bringing this up?"- spat Alice, her fingers tightening around Marisa's- "Wasn't this afternoon enough for you?"
"Because I love you, Alice Margatroid. I have loved you most of my life. And because of that love I can't go in peace until I know you'll be alright. I'm bringing that up because we were happy then, weren't we? We've had more joy together than the old hags at Eientei have ever experienced. Turn and look at me"
The Puppeteer sighed and turned around, her blue eyes glimmering with emotion.
"Alice, don't forget to live. Don't forget the person I fell in love with"- pleaded Marisa, suddenly tearing up- "I'm sorry for being selfish and causing you so much affliction…I'm sorry…"- her voice cracked
"Marisa? Marisa what's wrong?"- asked the Doll Maker fearfully
"I'm feeling cold…"- muttered the Magician taking her hands between hers
"Cold…? What…?"- her eyes widened- " I-is it time…?!
Marisa nodded lightly
"It's too soon!"- said Alice attempting to leave the bed- "I'll go get some more blankets and…"
"Don't, Ali"- replied the black-white her voice low and raspy- "It's ok"
"But it's too soon!"- retorted the Puppeteer desperately kneeling in the mattress near the Magician- "You can't…!"
"I'm a ninety year old woman, of course I can"- tried to joke Marisa but then teared up again- "So cold…"
"Marisa!"- cried Alice holding her hand again
"Please…don't let go…"- whispered Marisa her eyes starting to close
"I won't!"- sobbed the Puppeteer- "I'd never…"
"I love you…"- murmured the black-white- "Don't run, don't hide, Alice. Live"
"I don't know how!"- yelled Alice- "Marisa don't leave me…!"
"I'll always be by your side"- smiled the Magician
And with those last words her eyes closed.
Alice just stayed there dumbstruck.
Hoping that, somehow, Marisa would open her eyes.
But she didn't.
They were closed forever.
The hand that she was holding was colder than ice and she knew that if she let go, it would fall limply on her lap.
She stared and stared at Marisa's body.
No, she corrected herself shaking her head, it was already Marisa's corpse.
How could it be, she wondered bitterly, that something so terrible could happen so simply.
Marisa's life was bright and intense and her presence could fill a room. Marisa, to her, was a giant.
She couldn't understand how someone so great could die like that…
It was then that she noticed that something was coming off from Marisa in the form of little particles of light.
Soon enough, the little lights had formed a translucent Marisa. But not as she had died but rather how she had looked when she was young. The wrinkles had disappeared and she could finally stand tall. She grinned.
"Hey Alice"
"Hello, Marisa"- said the Puppeteer drying some of her tears with her free hand
"You didn't let go"- smiled the Magician pointing to her old self
"I told you I wouldn't"- replied the Doll Maker looking down at the old woman whose hand she was holding
"Come with me, Ali. There's something I wanna show you"
Saying that the spirit Marisa walked towards the window and opened it, leaping into the night sky.
"Come, we don't have much time!"- she urged Alice
Alice nodded and with a last glance she walked to the window and flew were Marisa was floating, waiting for her.
"Where are we going?"- asked the Puppeteer flying beside her
"You'll see"
Alice smiled a little.
Even if it was for just a few more minutes, she could fly with Marisa again.
They soared through Gensokyo's night sky, admiring the scenery.
The first time they had flown at night like that was when Eirin had hidden the moon, years and years ago.
At that time, she didn't think of it as anything special despite the erratic beat of her heart. Marisa was just her neighbor she kept telling herself. And they were on a mission. But seeing how the world passed them by as they flew, being near her, she couldn't help but to feel happy.
And after that night, they had decided they would do it again.
And again.
The black-white turned to look at her and grinned.
Gensokyo at night was truly breathtaking. The natural landscapes, the sleeping Human Village, the calm Misty Lake and the regal Scarlet Devil Mansion. The looming shadows of the mountains and the dark humming of the trees.
Marisa was leading her through all the places they had loved, reminding her of all the adventures and little moments they had shared.
It was like touring through the life they had together.
And Alice laughed when they were passing through the spot in the woods where they had fought during the Saigyou Ayakashi incident. And she had cried when they passed over the now desert Hakurei Shrine and the place were Marisa had confessed to her. And stayed silent as they flew over the Mound of the Nameless, realizing their journey was reaching its end.
Marisa descended on the riverside of the Sanzu and Alice followed suit.
"We should say goodbye in a proper way now"- started Marisa looking embarrassed
"Proper?"- chuckled Alice- "Are you sorry you cried?"
"N-no! It's not that…"- mumbled the black-white- "It's just that…you know…"
"What?"
Marisa leaned to her and kissed her softly, sending chills down her spine.
"I really wanted to kiss you goodbye"- smiled Marisa before turning towards the river, where a boat was approaching
"Goodbye then…"- waved Alice seeing her lover ride on the shinigami's boat
"I love you!"- shouted Marisa as the boat continued navigating, taking her further and further
"I love you too…"- whispered Alice watching the little ferry disappearing into the mist
All I have left now is memories
To cherish
To honor
A life that was forever changed
…Because for a brief moment…
…She was there…