"AN: So I decide to try my hand at writing and the only thing I seem to have a small idea how to write is a crack fic so hope you enjoy and I do not own Highschool DxD

"As he woke from his sleep and glanced around his current location seeing what looked to be the unholy love child between a dildo, fleshlight and a sword with Shemhazai standing over him and no memory of the previous day. Kokabiel Cadre level fallen of the Grigori institute could only think.

"Why am I wearing a kilt and smelling like Doritos, mountain dew and shame?"

"What by the our dead Fathers wrinkled ballsack were you fucking thinking?" Shemhazai bellowed looking ready to make me combust with the power of his glare alone. Although it's still not as bad as when he caught Azazel inviting a dozen transvestites to have an orgy in his office as a birthday surprise.

"Shemhazai i'm gonna be frank with you i have no idea what i did yesterday or how i ended up in this position any chance you could help me jog my memory?"

"Ohhh of course i can." His voice so sweet and promising nothing but a painful death "first how about the fact that you instigated a fucking Underworld wide orgy with Hades grim reapers as a distraction and took Samael from Cocytus."

"Hold up i'm remembering something and oh." I whispered as my memory of dressing the dragon eater in drag as a giant female dragon comes rushing back to me and more importantly why i did it and everything that i did afterwards.

"Yes oh now would you kindly explain why the Great Red is dead because of as eloquently as i can put it dick poisoning?" He gritted through his teeth looking about ready to have a stroke at any second from his rage.

"Alright well you see on my crazy night out i happened to run into the ouroboros dragon itself and wouldn't you know they asked me to help them get their home back. Now in my inebriated state i came up with a foolproof plan to poison the one weakness in any male in this case his giant throbbing dragon cock." I explained my actions which caused the death of the strongest being in the world.

"So I dressed Samael up as a very attractive female dragon if i do say so myself and had Ophis help me power up an aphrodisiac to create the most lust inducing drug in the history of the world. Where after being affected and seeing the giant female dragon went full speed balls deep and shortly afterwards died of as you say dick poisoning. but hey atleast he was able to finish next thing you know i'm asking for payment in the form of a dildo sword with a fleshlight handle." i finished sharing my dealings with the infinite dragon god to him.

"I see and what about after that where you appeared on the roof of the vatican wearing nothing but a kilt and a wedding ring with your new weapon in hand. Where you proceeded to pleasure yourself with the handle and yelled out to look in awe and see why i was named Cockabiel. With your ten wings decorated with doritos, cans of mountain dew and fidget spinners and yelling out 420BLAZEIT at the moment of your climax?" Shemhazai finished his voice now more glacial than i have ever heard it before.

"Well that's easy i got the ring and kilt in Vegas where I hypnotized a priest to marry me to my new sword and the vatican was our honeymoon."

"I understand now how in the seven circles of hell can you explain your actions yesterday?" he demanded and in the end i only had one response.

"Hah Magical Cocaine's a hell of a drug.