This oneshot was based off the prompt that came from the Title Prompt Exchange. Look it up to learn more about it (and possibly join the next exchange, if you're so inclined!) I didn't do the bonus challenge this time...because I actually forgot to look for it before I wrote this. Enjoy the story!
In the dark gloominess of night, a shadow lurked...
Eyes, burning with malice and anger, glared from underneath a bush as two elves walked past.
"Absolutely not," one was saying. "I swear, Glorfindel, if you so much as sprinkle it on me, I will personally rip your head from your shoulders and feed it to my pet warg."
"You have a pet warg?" said the other. "Why am I not surprised?"
"Because your brain, though it barely exists, is still as large as a pea," the first retorted.
"Don't insult peas!" exclaimed the second, and then their voices faded as they continued down the pathway.
The eyes, still glaring, vanished for a moment, and then a figure stepped from the bushes, scowling after the pair that was vanishing into the distance.
"I will...have my revenge," the shadowed figure snarled, brushing pink glitter from cloaked shoulders and studiously avoiding the trail of glitter that was in the exact path the second elf had walked.
Bouncing cheerfully toward his next unsuspecting victim, Glorfindel – with glitter falling at every step he made – was utterly shocked when a heavy black object flew toward his head.
He was unconscious the next moment.
"This is terrible!" gasped Galdor, the up and coming reporter of the Mithlond Current News. He held a fuzzy microphone, staring in blank horror as the camera trained on him. Glitter almost completely covered him, blinding anyone who actually watched the news channel.
"What's terrible," said the bored cameraman, who was obviously being forced to ask questions as though he was the interviewer.
"The great Sadness Slayer has vanished!" Galdor cried.
"Oh no," the cameraman said in utter boredom.
Galdor fanned himself and took a few (about fifty) deep, calming breaths. "After being seen late at the Great Kool-aid Party, thrown by King Thranduil himself," he started in a mysterious, reportery voice, "the amazing Sadness Slayer Glorfindel mysteriously vanished between the 1st tree and the 2nd tree! The last person to have seen him was Prince Legolas! Do you have anything to say about this, your Majesty?"
The camera moved to the blond-haired Prince, currently suntanning himself with faithful guards fighting off the adoring fans. He was, of course, wearing thick winter clothes and battle armour, since his father wouldn't let him outside without some protection from the horrible sun.
"What was that?" said Legolas, lowering his sunglasses. Random fangirls swooned.
"Do you have anything to say about the mysterious disappearance of the Sadness Slayer?"
"Huh? Eh. Don't really care."
Legolas' popularity rating suddenly plummeted.
"Oooh," said Galdor. "Looks like the Sadness Slayer was a little more popular than the Prince thought!"
Legolas rolled his eyes, flipped his hair, and sank back into his sunchair, pushing his sunglasses back up dramatically. The fangirls swooned again. They didn't care about his popularity rating, since they were all his true love.
The camera went back to Galdor, and he stared into it meaningfully. "If you've seen or heard from the Sadness Slayer since his disappearance, let us know! We're offering 64,000 pieces of glitter for any information regarding his mysterious vanishment!"
"Isn't it weird that that's actually a word," said the bored cameraman.
"Shut up," Galdor said, smiling at the camera.
"This is actually bad," mused King Thranduil, tapping his chin fabulously and staring fabulously into his wine glass.
"That Glorfindel is missing?" Galion offered, standing by faithfully.
"What? No, that my glass is empty. Refill it!" Thranduil fabulously threw the cup to Galion and the butler sighed, then vanished.
"Ah," sighed Thranduil fabulously once he had his cup again. He fabulously took a long drink from it, then glanced at Galion. "What were you saying about Glorfindel?"
"The Sadness Slayer has mysteriously vanished," Galion said. "It's all over the news."
"Oh. When?"
"Last night, your Majesty."
"Last night!" exclaimed Thranduil fabulously. "At my party?"
"Indeed, sire," said Galion.
Thranduil gasped fabulously. "My reputation will be ruined! No one will come to my fabulous parties if they hear that people disappear! I mean...well, they do disappear, but not people like...never mind, that's not important! Call forth the detectives!"
"Ah...which ones?" Galion said.
"The, er...the ones from Lothlorilerlien," Thranduil said fabulously and vaguely.
"Lothlorien?"
"Yes. Those. The brothers."
"What about the new detectives? The Mysterious Horse Detectives?"
"Mysterious, eh?" Thranduil pondered fabulously. "Never heard of them. All right! Hire both of the teams! Two is better than one, right?"
"Um...sure," Galion agreed. "If you say so."
"I do say so," Thranduil snarked fabulously. "I'm the King, everything I say is perfect and right in every way."
Haldir, Orophin, and Rumil glared balefully at their competition. Rather, Haldir and Rumil glared balefully at their competition – Orophin was fiddling with stalks of grass and mumbling about wheat prices in Harlond, or something like that.
The Detectives' competition stared courageously back.
"I can't believe we're going to work with horses," Rumil finally said.
Asfaloth snorted. "I can't believe we're going to work with elves. This is ridiculous."
"You said it," said Shadow Facts, eyeing the trio with more than mild suspicion.
"Talking horses," Haldir muttered. "Why not?"
Shadow Facts shoved his head up next to Haldir's suddenly startled face. "Got something to say, chump?"
Haldir sneezed.
Rumil was glaring at Asfaloth. "This whole mess could've been averted if you'd just stuck with Glorfindel instead of running around playing horse detectives."
"One," said Asfaloth, "I don't like glitter, especially not on my magnificent white coat. Two, I was not running. I never run. I walk."
"Do you have a problem?" Shadow Facts said threateningly to Rumil.
"Multiple problems, actually. One is you."
Shadow Facts turned to present his hindquarters, then kicked Rumil across the yard.
He landed on top of Legolas, squishing the still-sunbathing Prince.
Legolas' shriek awoke the 'slumbering' fangirls, and the huge group slowly rose, regarding Rumil with a look that could only be described as predatory.
Rumil screamed and ran.
Galion observed them safely from the window. "I don't think this is going to work," he mused.
"What's not going to work?" roared Thranduil fabulously from the throne.
"The –" started Galion, but Thranduil fabulously interrupted him.
"Well, make it work! Or...I'll fire you!" he added fabulously after a moment.
Galion, making sure his back was to the King, rolled his eyes and left. Once in the (relative) safety of the kitchens, where the King never ventured, he went into the massive pantry and pulled out his phone. He dialed a number and pressed 'Call.'
"This is not good," muttered Elrond, far away in Imladris. "This is not good at all."
"What's not good?" Erestor asked absent-mindedly, straightening an askew picture on the wall as he and Elrond went down the corridor.
"The Sadness Slayer is missing!" Elrond exclaimed. "Have you not been reading the news? Or watching it?"
"Newscasters are all liars," said Erestor.
"In your opinion?"
"No, that's a fact." Erestor stopped and stared. "Wait, did you just say Glorfindel was missing?"
"What did I just say?"
"You mean you weren't paying attention either?" Erestor clapped his hands as the realization hit him. "Oh, happy day! The horrible hugger is gone! I can –"
"But I thought you were best friends," Elrond interrupted rudely.
"Oh. I...guess so. Sometimes. More like best frenemies. Why?"
"Aren't you going to help look for him?"
Erestor laughed. "No! What would make you think that?"
"Well, he's your best –"
Erestor danced away merrily. He punched a few people in the halls, just for good measure, then on his way to proclaiming his joy to the world, found a mysterious dark cottage with a mysterious cloaked stranger inside.
Glorfindel was tied up and gagged in the corner, unconscious.
Erestor punched the mysterious cloaked stranger. "You've made me so happy!" he exclaimed.
The mysterious cloaked stranger, sprawled on the floor in surprise, coughed up blood. "Er...good, I guess?"
"It's not good, it's wonderful!" Erestor danced away again. Just before he was about to proclaim his joy to the world, his phone rang.
Annoyed suddenly (who was rude enough to call at such a time of joy?), Erestor yanked the phone out and stared at the Caller ID.
It said 'Annoying Genius Person Who May Or May Not Be Related To You (Check Mother's Bloodlines)'.
No person but one had such a horrifyingly long contact name, and was rude enough to call at such a time of joy.
Erestor sighed and pressed 'Talk', raising the phone to his ear.
"What?"
Elrond stared in surprise as Erestor trudged dejectedly back into Imladris. "What happened?" he asked.
Erestor kicked a rock, which hit the side of the stables, which startled a horse, which knocked over its feed bucket, which made some mice very happy. "I have to help find Glorfindel."
"Why? I thought you were elated that he was gone!"
"I was. Just...I don't want to talk about." Erestor walked depressedly past Elrond and slammed the door to his room.
"Footprints!" Rumil announced triumphantly. "Look!"
Everybody looked, except for Orophin, who was sifting leaves through his hands and wondering out loud how much he might make from selling them in Harad.
"Ha!" Haldir gloated. "We found the first clue!"
Asfaloth stomped a hoof.
"Why the long face?" Rumil taunted.
Shadow Facts glared at him. Rumil's jaw clicked as he shut his mouth, still wary of those massive hooves.
"Anways," Asfaloth said, tossing his majestic white mane. "You aren't the only ones that found a clue. Besides, those footprints are just Glorfindel's and Erestor's."
"Erestor kidnapped Glorfindel!" Haldir gasped.
"Er...no," said Asfaloth, rolling his eyes. "He won't even touch Glorfindel because of the glitter. You're from Lothlorien – you don't know enough about the Imladrian occupants."
"Hpmh," said Rumil. "What was the clue you found?"
Shadow Facts pointed a hoof. "There," he said smugly.
"Uh...that's a tree."
"No, it's a clue!"
"Actually, it's food," said Asfaloth, biting off the juicy leaves and eating them. "So there, we're both happy."
"I'm not happy, I'm hungry," Haldir said.
"You guys are the worst detectives ever!" exclaimed Feren.
"How did you get here?" shrieked Haldir in a shrill voice.
"I walked." Feren sighed. "This is painful to watch. I'm leaving." He walked away.
Asfaloth kept eating his leaves, Shadow Facts began sniffing around for more clues, Rumil followed the footprints, and Haldir lay down to take a nap. If he couldn't cure his hunger, he would cure his tiredness.
Orophin just kept adding figures in his head.
"They're never going to solve this case," Galion groaned, creepily watching them from the trees. "This is ridiculous."
"You said it," Erestor muttered, standing creepily beside him.
Galion frowned. "We need to solve this case, or I'll lose my job. How do we find him?"
Erestor shrugged.
"You're not being very helpful," Galion remonstrated.
"Your face isn't being very helpful," Erestor grumbled.
"Fine, you can just stand there and grump, I'm going to go actually do something." Galion marched away, back stiff.
Erestor shrugged and went down the trail until he found the mysterious dark cottage he had discovered before. Going inside, he found the mysterious cloaked figure standing threateningly over the now-conscious Glorfindel.
"You will regret your actions," threatened the mysterious cloaked figure.
"Hey," said Erestor.
The mysterious cloaked figure shrieked in surprise. "How did you get in here?"
"The...door. Duh."
"No, I mean – it was locked! How did you –"
"Don't be ridiculous," said Erestor. "I can get through any door."
The mysterious cloaked figure stared at him.
"Okay, I punched it down."
The mysteriosu cloaked figure grumbled and turned back to Glorfindel, who was staring at Erestor, wide-eyed.
"Mumble-mumble!" Glorfindel finally managed, bouncing in his seat.
"I'm sorry, I can't understand you," Erestor said, grinning evilly.
Glorfindel slumped and stared at the floor.
"I was just saying that he was going to regret his horrible actions," said the mysterious cloaked figure.
"Do you regret them?" Erestor asked Glorfindel.
Glorfindel glared at both of them.
"I don't think he does," the mysterious cloaked figure said.
"I don't think he does either," Erestor agreed, then suddenly punched the mysterious cloaked figure in the face. The mysterious cloaked figure flew backwards and hit the wall, falling over and screaming.
Erestor punched the ropes that tied Glorfindel, and they broke. He ripped the gag from Glorfindel's mouth, then punched the Sadness Slayer and dragged him out of the mysterious dark cottage.
"AHHHHHGGGGGHHHH!" screamed the mysterious cloaked figure from behind them.
Erestor paused to punch the cottage and it promptly fell on top of the mysterious cloaked figure.
"I knew you would save me!" Glorfindel exclaimed once they were a few minutes from Imladris. "I never doubted you!"
"You're a dunce," said Erestor, punching him for good measure. He glared at the pink glitter that now covered his hand, then dunked his hand in bleach, fire, then acid.
The glitter went away.
"I shall go tell everyone that the Untraumatizer has saved me!" cried Glorfindel. "They will all love you!"
"NO," said Erestor. "Don't be stupid. No one can know that I saved you. They'd never trust me again. My reputation would be in tatters. I couldn't punch anyone."
"Okay!" said Glorfindel. "We can...oh..." He suddenly began sobbing. "I'm so traumatized! I was kidnapped!"
Erestor sighed, then punched him. Glorfindel sniffed and wiped his broken nose.
"I'm fine now."
"You'd better be."
Orophin tripped over a Sadness Slayer laying on the ground. He mumbled as he stood up again, brushing off his clothes. Then he looked down and his eyes popped. "Haldir!" he shrieked. "Rumil! Look who I found!" Then he promptly passed out.
His older brothers came running, screeching to a stop and staring in shock at the pretending-to-be-unconscious Glorfindel.
Haldir passed out, and Rumil started dancing in glee. "Hahahahaha!" he gloated. "We found him before –"
"Us?" interrupted Shadow Facts.
Rumil shrieked and leaped out of reach of those hooves.
Asfaloth tossed his head smugly. "No, we found him first. We were guarding him."
"Oh, yeah?" challenged Rumil, hiding behind a tree. "Prove it!"
Shadow Facts laughed, though it sounded suspiciously like a whinny. "We don't have to, we just have to get him to Imladris before you do."
"NOOOOO," screamed Rumil, but it was too late. Shadow Facts picked up Glorfindel with his teeth and flung him over Asfaloth's back, and the two galloped away.
Rumil chased them all the way to Imladris.
"Aren't you even going to ask the detectives how they found him?" Galion asked the King. "Where they found him? And where he had been?"
"Who cares?" said Thranduil fabulously and flippantly. "As long as he's fine, no one really cares. He's just going around – oof!"
Glorfindel finished hugging him, then gave Galion a hug and pranced away.
Thranduil cleared his throat fabulously and delicately brushed at the pink glitter all over him. "Going around hugging people, so he'll be fine," he finished fabulously.
Galion frowned and looked out the window again, staring suspiciously at Erestor, who was calmly going to the people Glorfindel had hugged and was punching them in the face before moving to the next person.
"I'm very suspicious," Galion said suspiciously.
"You know, you tend to be suspicious," Thranduil said fabulously behind him. "I bet you'd make a good detective –"
"I was just thinking that!" Galion squealed. "What a fabulous idea!"
Thranduil smirked and fanned himself. "Yes, mine usually are."
"I'm going to go do it! Right now!" Galion dashed away, and Thranduil stared after him in shock.
"No, wait! I didn't mean right now! You can't go! I need wiiiiiiiiine...!"
Through the forest, across the plains and mountains, over a few rivers, deep in the heart of...Hobbiton, a mysteriously cloaked figure threw back the hood of his cloak and glared into the distance.
"I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!" roared Pippin, the Dark Lord of All.
Shameless reference. I am hilarious. (This is, of course, mostly based on the fact that Pip the Dark Lord of Allwas the one who donated the prompt, and somehow it ended up with me. Fate? I think not.)
Glorfindel: Everybody, review! Review this story and I shall hug you!
Erestor: No. Review and I will punch you. You know you want to do it – go ahead!