Honestly, what is the point anymore. I have obviously ruined my life. It is tarnished, broken into a trillion tiny pieces, and completely out of my control. I was such a dumb human.
Granted, Edward was definitely man-candy when we were both at the small-town high school in Forks, mysterious and beautifully handsome, but after spending so much time with him, I've realized I've made the biggest mistake of my entire life.
I don't (can't) remember much about my human life. Sometimes, I'll get glimpses into the past if I see something that reminds me of an event or encounter. Usually they come randomly, and unexpectedly.
Mostly I can put together that, Edward left me after a few months together, then I went after him and brought him back (dumb, dumb, dumb). Also that even as a human I was a vampire target, including to James, Victoria, The Vorturi… right, when I was saving Edward (stupid, stupid, stupid).
It's not that I regret saving Edward, just...I should've known when to move on.
Charlie was my father's name, Renee was my mother's, and…there was a stepfather, but I forget his name.
And…and then there's Jacob.
Jacob, my sunshine, my happiness, the only person who could pull me out of a funk, and the one thing that gave me a reason to smile while my heart was breaking, or mending. Or both.
It's almost sad, because pretty much my whole memory is full of anything that had to do with Edward and Jacob. Choosing, fighting, and now I have realized I have lost dramatically.
There are really no words to describe how it feels to have your daughter given the man you should have for yourself.
And at one point that man had told your daughter how he and her mother loved each other passionately, telling tales of romantic nights and playful acts of kindness.
Seeing his eyes light up as he re-lives these experiences in his mind.
Seeing your husband tense and stiffen, then walk out of the room furious.
Seeing your daughter in awe and jealousy, and look over to look at you in such a confused way.
Seeing him glance over at you sadly, and your heart tangling in the most painful ways. You want him now, but you feel it's too late. It feels like you can't handle it anymore.
Each day is dark torture now. I started shielded my thoughts from Edward a while ago. Now I get concerned looks and worried expressions. I try, so very hard, to cover my feelings along with my mind, but they just slip sometimes. You know?
Renesme doesn't deserve Jacob. She doesn't even love him. I do. She does not believe in "imprinting" and finds it not anything comparable to true love.
Sometimes I tell myself "Maybe it's not too late, maybe she'll dump him." But I curse myself for thinking that way. Fate has set out the stones, that I must follow for the rest of my life. But I know there will always be a part of me that wants Jacob, not Edward. I am such a selfish person, and I have no one to blame but myself. Well, that's not what the way I like to think.
Maybe one day, I'll be able to blame it on someone or something else, to ease all this pain I hold inside.