"Don't worry about us, Coulson."
"We'll be back before you know it!"
He could still hear Natasha and Clint's voices ringing in his ear, those final words the hung around his shoulder's like chains binding him to misery. He could remember so much about them, and yet so little when trying to keep them alive in his mind.
Phil never expected to feel heartbreak such as that when informed of their demise.
It was an ambush by mutants, Fury said. Damn near ripped them to pieces. if Clint and Tasha weren't so good at what they did they would have been in worse shape than when found. Phil wanted to shout that they were in bad shape and should never had been sent out without back up.
Shouldn't have been sent out without him.
Three months afterwards, two new agents were assigned under his care. He was to train them, watch them, and ultimately raise them to meet whatever grizzly end S.H.I.E.L.D decided to offer. Their names were Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons, and upon meeting them Phil nearly turned them away.
It wasn't because they were incapable of learning, not because they were rowdy and disobedient. There wasn't anything bad about these kids. They were the most lovely pair Phil had met since. . .
When meeting them it was like going back in time before the incident. Leo was shy and rambled when he was nervous, and Jemma was so bubbly and sweet that she could give anyone a cavity. But when pairing them together they were like bickering children that somehow fit perfectly together. They loved each other. That was what Phil remembered the most; they had so much love to give it practically oozed out of their smiles.
The first time they snuck coffee and donuts into his office he nearly cried. It had been three, long, agonizing months since anyone snuck fresh coffee and donuts into his office. For a moment he expected to be purple and red drawings on the cup that included two hearts: one with an arrow through it and the other with a bullet hole. He took that one home and left it in the cupboard the day after.
The little drawings came around a month later when Leo and Jemma were bored of giving him a plain ol' coffee cup. Phil's heart warmed at the sight of a small robot and a tree with roots going along the mug. Circuits and veins and such things were all over his new mug, and Phil loved it.
As the months progressed things got back into a steady groove. Leo and Jemma were a God send, as if God knew Phil needed two kids to keep in check around the organization. And he treated them as such, like his own children that he loved more than life itselt. In face, he loved them just as much as he loved. . . A much as he loved another pair of kids he once knew.
Just as they were similar to those pair of kids, they would continue to be like them to a fault.
He couldn't stop them from going out on a mission Fury assigned. No matter how much he begged and bribed, they would not budge. They didn't understand his desperation to keep them safe. He never told them about what happened last time.
"Don't worry about us, Phil!"
"We'll be home before you know it."
Phil remembered their faces. The love oozing from their bright smiles and the hope and life still lit up in their eyes. He remembered the last words they said to him right before boarding the aircraft that would take them away.
"We love you! See you soon!"
And then that aircraft took away the last two things in the world that Agent Phil Coulson cared about. It took them away from him and into a meat grinder.
It was an ambush, Fury had told him. There was nothing that could have been done and he was sorry. Phil had stood up from his seat and walked away. He took his coffee mug and left, and did not return until the funeral.
Both of their funerals were on the same day, same time, and right next to each other. Nobody could keep them apart, Phil wouldn't allow it. Just like how he wouldn't allow them to be apart. Best friends that die together, stay together. Coincidentally, they were positioned right next to the other two kids he loved so much.
He stood at their gravestones for hours. As the sun began to set he lost control of his emotions and broke down sobbing. His shoulder shook violently and he had a hard time breathing properly. He clenched his hands at his sides, his head down and just cried.
"I'm so sorry. You trusted me, and I failed you. Both of you," Phil turned his gaze unto the two graves to his right, his eyes blurry with tears. "It was supposed to be different this time. This time, I was supposed to keep them safe. This time, I wasn't going to let them die. This time, I could redeem myself for failing last time. Clint, Natasha. . . I'm so sorry."
Phil slowly walked forward and touched the two cool gravestones with his shaking index fingers. "I hope you can forgive a foolish man for thinking things could be different. I love you all."
And with that, Phil Coulson fell to his knees and cried.