A/N: Because Jeffrey Dean Morgan is one of us and he didn't like that finale too.
Alicia's stilettos clack rapidly outside the courtroom, as she counts the minutes at her disposal – twenty-four – before the staff meeting. Enough, she thinks, to drop the papers on her desk, skim through the emails and check if she missed any phone call. The view of her desk brimming with folders never ceases to unsettle her. One would think the whole 'guilty until proven innocent' thing would make the job easier for prosecutors, except that it doesn't. She can't really say if she's just getting the newcomer treatment or if that's the side effect of her still cumbersome ex-surname. And it doesn't matter either that the tag on her door reads Alicia Cavanaugh, to get rid of the Florrick's burden is seemingly impossible, especially in the State's Attorney's offices. With a loud snort, she drops the papers on the shorter of the piles and sits down. She's already exhausted and it's barely 11 o'clock.
"Congratulations, I heard you did great today." Geneva's voice calls her attention and she looks up to see the woman peek inside, a half-smile on her lips.
"Thank you," Alicia acknowledges the courtesy.
"See you at the staff meeting in twenty minutes?" Geneva reminds Alicia.
"Sure."
That damn staff meeting. She already knows that the agenda includes the preparations for the upcoming Christmas party and she doesn't want to get stuck with it, especially when she has no intention to attend, for she already accepted the invitation she got from Lucca for that same night at Lockhart/Quinn and she'd rather not let her friend down.
One quick glance at the laptop monitor tells Alicia that checking the emails is not an option anymore, not when the bold number reads fifty and counting, so she leans back comfortably on her chair and picks the phone. Three missed calls and two voicemails. Her eyes skim over Lucca's repeated name. She's considering calling her back immediately when her gaze falls on the third call. Her heart skips a beat upon reading a once familiar name. It shouldn't have that effect on her, not anymore, yet it does. Her heart still throbbing in her chest, she checks her voicemails, as an odd presentment makes her stiffen on her seat. And there it is. A voicemail from Jason. She keeps staring at the phone, conflicted whether to listen to it, to pretend she never got it or keep it for later. Who am I kidding? Her index finger is already sliding on the screen to play it.
'Hey, it's Jason. I'm… I'm gonna be in Chicago for a few days and… I don't know… maybe we could meet. Call me, please.'
He's coming back. Jason is coming back. For a few days, that's what his message says, but that's enough for her mind to relive the last moments before he left and it's not the kind of thoughts she needs to delve into right now. She was ready to leave with him, to drop everything, pack up and go without the slightest idea of the destination because the where didn't matter. That was how much in love she was with him. She should have intuited it wasn't gonna happen, right from the start, when he made clear he cherished his freedom. Instead, blinded by her feelings, she fought tooth and nail to settle every pending issue, starting from her marriage, confident she would be tasting that same freedom. She couldn't have been any more wrong and the feeling still hurts today. And it doesn't matter how many times she repeated it was the right decision to remain in Chicago and let him go. She missed him for a long while and, truth be told, she still does at times. She had no idea of how deep he had dug into her soul until he was gone.
What am I supposed to do?
It's just a few days, maybe he won't call again, maybe it was just out of mere politeness, maybe they won't cross paths anyway. Is that what she wants though? To simply ignore him? As horrible as it may be, that's exactly what she does. At least outwardly, because inside her head is already dragged into a no-way-out loop of memories blending with flashes of a possible reunion. What would they say? What would she do? She's suddenly thrown back to one of the few memories of them that most wounded her and it's like a déjà-vu.
'She's an old friend from New York City I hadn't seen in a while.'
She doesn't want to be the 'old friend from Chicago he hadn't seen in a while'. She's not an old friend, or so she wants to think. And now there's this undesirable image of him moving on with someone else which upsets her in a fierce and unexpected way.
The loud ringing of her office phone startles her. With her heart in her throat, she checks the wristwatch before answering and realizes she's running late for the meeting.
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
/ / /
The doors ding open on the fifteenth floor. It's the second time Alicia visits the Lockhart/Quinn offices and none of the two for work. As she walks past the reception, she can't help noticing how the décor is nothing like LG used to be and the memory never fails to sadden her with melancholy. Every little detail though seeps a very feminine elegance and sobriety and she has no doubt there's a lot of Diane in it. Unlike her first visit, this time there are wreaths hanging on the walls and a bright Christmas tree to welcome the guests.
She has barely crossed the entrance when she recognizes Lucca's loud laughter amidst the soft music and chit-chat and it's enough to restore the smile on her lips. She's taken a tad aback though by the enormous amount of guests. She was expecting a lot less people although, on second thought, it makes sense for them to celebrate their first Christmas with a bang.
"Alicia! You made it!" Lucca greets her with tipsy enthusiasm that Alicia returns with a warm hug.
"I wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world." And it's the truth. "Who are all these people, though?"
"I swear I have no idea about a good half of them," Lucca whispers, "but I know for sure there's a journalist blended in somewhere to write an article about our firm. So if you don't want to make tomorrow's news, don't dance on the tables," she jokes.
"Wow. I'll try not to."
"I…" Lucca's eyes turn serious, almost concerned, as if she suddenly remembers something. "I need to warn you about something though."
Their chat gets interrupted abruptly when a young woman - Alicia recognizes her as one of the new associates - requires Lucca's attention. Warn me about what? Without her friend by her side, she suddenly feels like a fish out of water. So she does the one thing she does best when uncomfortable; she jumps on the champagne. Standing in a corner, she peeps around, searching for any familiar face, until she spots Diane in the crowd. Her former partner is deep into conversing, hand in hand with her husband. To see them together always has the same effect on her; a mix of slight jealousy and self-pity for something she seems incapable to achieve. She should talk to them, at least make her presence known and say hello, something that's easier said than done in this horde. With a pinch of bitterness, she recalls how long it took for Diane to move past their old rift, to understand her reasons. At that time, she truly saw no other choice. But today it's Christmas, it all happened a long time ago, so she shakes the memory away and walk up to them.
A couple of steps. That's all she takes before catching an oblique glimpse of the person who's talking to the pair. She petrifies upon seeing Jason standing only a few feet from her. His beard and hair are shorter, his tattoos hidden under a nice suit, something definitely unlike him. Lucca told her he was already in town but she didn't expect to find him there. That's what she wanted to warn her about? That he was there, too?
"Alicia, I'm happy to see you came." Diane's polite words wake her up from her trance.
"Diane, Kurt," she greets both, "thanks for the invitation." Well, technically it was Lucca who invited her. The conversation is reduced to the strict necessary. Not that she's surprised; the amount of guests is ridiculously huge and the whole night probably won't be enough to greet all of them, not to mention, despite the ironing out, there's still a slight uneasiness. As they move to the next guests, she's almost relieved. Almost. It lasts the time to realize she and Jason are left alone.
"Hey," she struggles to find the voice.
"Hey." Hands in his pockets, Jason looks equally uneasy.
Nevertheless, there's something pleasurable, undeniably loving, in the way their glittering eyes drink in the still familiar features, in the way their lips model in cautious smiles, baring every ounce of the feelings they once shared. Alicia stares down at the flute in her hands, suddenly pensive. "It's been a while."
Jason looks down and away. "It has," Jason agrees, as he looks down briefly, then away, maybe to hide the light sense of guilt? "How are you?"
"I'm fine," Alicia nods, more decidedly than she should, making it look like a lie when it's actually not, because she's indeed fine. "You?"
"I'm fine too."
There are so many questions she wants, yet fears to ask him, and judging by his enquiring gaze Jason is probably in her same place. The tension between them screams louder than the background Christmas music. She's supposed to be over him, they are both supposed to be over each other. They clearly haven't allowed for fate to bring them in front of each other again.
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," she voices her surprise.
"Last minute invitation from Diane. I couldn't say no," he explains. "You look beautiful by the way."
Don't do it. Don't compliment me. Don't stare at me with those eyes. Instinctively she looks down at the sequin lace smoky sheath dress she chose to wear. With no regrets. "Thank you. You too. And nice suit," she compliments him with a smirk that doesn't hide a pinch of teasing.
"I had to yield to the etiquette."
"And yet no necktie."
"I'm a rebel." With a broad grin, Jason reminds Alicia of something she knows very well, causing her to chuckle. He still has that effect on her. He still makes her laugh like nobody did in a long time.
When someone walks past them, accidentally brushing Alicia, she almost spills her champagne. She needs some fresh air, it's all she can think, she can feel her cheeks burn and maybe it's Jason's presence, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe this room is way too crowded.
Jason seems to hesitate. "I was… I was… there's too much fuss in here and I don't really like parties, so… I was thinking, I need some fresh air, maybe you want to join me."
It's what she wants but she doesn't want at the same time. "Why not?" she accepts with a smile.
She grabs her coat from the hanger and put it on as they take the elevator to the rooftop. The view from there is not the same as from the LG building but it's still nice, and the chilling air is an instant relief.
"So, I've heard you live in Pittsburgh now," she breaks the ice with the only piece of information she has about his current life.
Jason raises a brow, surprised? Maybe just a little bit. "Lucca?"
Alicia's smile reveals her source. She knows they're still in touch, she's quite sure they met during a stop Lucca made there during a business trip, even if she never confirmed or denied it. The benefit of friendship is that you have in proportion less chances of screwing it.
With a half-smile, Jason nods faintly, then looks away.
She could have been living there with him. Instead... Her gaze lost into the Chicago skyline, she shrugs away the memory of the last days before his departure.
"And I've heard you changed career," he keeps the tentative conversation alive.
How does he even know? Probably from her same source, she assumes with a smile. "Yes, there's a prosecutor in front of you."
"From defending innocents to locking criminals behind the bars. I think it suits you," he states with a nod.
Alicia stares at him for a moment, pondering if he's serious or just poking some fun at her. There's definitely some amusement in his eyes, but of the genuine kind. "What makes you think it?"
"It feeds the snake in you."
Alicia gapes, not sure how to take it at first, then punches his arm lightly. "It can be fun," she admits.
"I'd sure love to see you in action."
"You are welcome to see me in action any time." Oh my God, did I really say that?
The sudden realization they're flirting, even just mildly, makes her clam up and fall silent for a moment. She casts him a sidelong glance and finds him seemingly lost into his own thoughts.
"How long are you staying?" she asks him. She remembers his voicemail, she remembers he mentioned a few days, and for what she knows he might as well be leaving tomorrow.
"A couple of weeks, maybe more. Doing a favor to a friend."
Oh, she nods to herself, it's definitely more than expected, but trifling at the same time. She shouldn't really want him to stay longer, should she? She has no idea what to say whatsoever; that she's happy he's back? happy they could meet, thus paving the way for more? But to what end? No.
"I… Alicia…" Jason's faltering voice pulls her back from her musings.
She turns her head to face him and in that moment realizes she still can read his face like an open book. And his eyes give away that he's probably sharing her same conflicts. "Jason, don't," she stops him straightaway.
"Don't what?"
"Don't say anything that might make things more awkward than they already are. It's been months. You moved on. I moved on. We are good. Don't change that," she pleads him with a half-smile.
Jason is about to speak - maybe to object? - when a noise behind their backs makes them both turn around to see a small group of guests approaching. Someone who probably had their same idea.
Alicia heaves an imperceptible sigh. On the surface at least she's relieved that the interruption prevented any kind of deepening. There's something she can't describe though, an underlying feeling, disappointment? blues? a mild annoyance? Maybe it's a bit of all those.
"We should go back to the party," Jason suggests. Whatever he meant to say, the right time has clearly passed.
"We should."
The elevator ride back to the offices is disturbingly quiet, so when the doors open to the reception Alicia can stop holding her breath. She's barely joined back the party when Lucca discreetly comes up beside her.
"I'm sorry, I had no time to warn you," Lucca apologizes handing out a flute of champagne as a peace offering.
The gesture makes her chuckle. "Lucca, it's okay. We are adults."
"Have you talked?"
There starts the inquisition... "A bit."
"And…. ?" A raised brow and the flute to her lips, it's hard to say if Lucca is curious, intrigued or simply concerned.
"And… nothing." Alicia rolls her eyes and smiles. "He leaves again in a couple of weeks. There's no and, Lucca."
/ / /
"The court is adjourned. We'll meet back in three days," judge Cuesta declares, closing the session.
Alicia gathers her papers, as her mind quickly recaps the next tasks. Unless anything unexpected turns up, for once she should be able to have a quiet night. Maybe Lucca is still up for those drinks… But as she turns to leave court, she freezes. Standing at the bottom of the room there's Jason, leaning against the wall with a subtle smirk on his lips. She's surprised to see him, albeit in a good way. With head held high, she returns the smile and walks up to him. "You… came…" She points out the obvious, for he's standing right in front of her. Leather jacket, a pair of dark blue jeans, he's back being himself.
"You… asked me to," he reminds her, not moving from his stance.
She did, and it still embarrasses her in a way. She didn't expect him to really come though, let alone with that smile on his lips, especially after the small speech she gave him at the party. "So?" She asks, eager for his reaction to her explosive trial session.
Jason nods and further nears her, till he's only a couple of steps from her. His glistening eyes show all his appreciation. "You kicked some asses."
She could answer in a million different ways but words fail her under his stare and she offers an amused smile.
With a swift look at her wristwatch she does a quick math of the time she has before the next appointment. It's well past noon, and the session should have ended a good half hour ago, but it's still enough for a decent break. "I… I have some time before a meeting. Maybe you wanna join me for lunch?"
It seems like a good idea, it's just a lunch after all, until she sees his smile fade and his eyes fill with apology.
"Actually I… I have to meet someone in Forest Park in one hour," he explains, and there's no doubt that he really regret having to decline, it's all there in his hangdog gaze.
"Oh. Okay." Maybe it's better this way, after all, even if in this exact moment she'd gladly die. With a soft smile, she hides the mild disappointment and looks away, searching around for a good excuse to say goodbye and disappear as fast as she can.
"For work," Jason hastens to add.
"You don't have to explain. Really," she waves off his explanation with a raised hand.
"I only wanted to drop by, say hello," he tries to justify himself.
"And I'm happy you dropped by to say hello."
When he turns to leave, Alicia looks down for a moment, mentally kicking herself. God, what was she thinking? Inviting him over for lunch? So much for keeping the distance. Rolling her eyes at her own stupidity, she moves to leave, only a few steps before realizing that Jason is still there, right outside the door.
He opens his mouth to speak, hesitates at first, before finding the words. "Maybe we could have dinner, or drinks instead?"
Alicia ponders his offer quickly. She's not sure whether he's asking out of real desire or just so she won't feel like a complete fool. In doubt, she hunches her shoulders in apology. "I already have a previous engagement," she lies, "maybe another time."
He nods and smiles, probably not buying it, but doesn't persist. "Okay."
/ / /
The television is broadcasting "It happened one night." Alicia's eyes are on the screen but her mind is elsewhere. Bored and distracted, she huddles up and starts flicking through the channels, searching for anything to take her out of the comatose state that got hold of her tonight. She got used to being alone, she doesn't always like it, but she got used to it over the past months. Moving to a new apartment turned out to be the best thing she could do for herself. A fresh start, no weighty memories, yes, she usually likes how it feels. Tonight it's just different, for reasons she willfully tries to ignore. And when her furious surfing lands her on a documentary about lions, she plops her head on her knees in resignation. She peeps at her phone for a long while, conflicted whether to make that call or not. After how it went that morning, she probably shouldn't. And don't forget you are supposed to be on some imaginary appointment, that's what you said, remember? Previous engagement.
But as her mind is still debating the good sense of such a decision, her fingers are already typing. 'Still up for those drinks?'
And, to her immense relief, the answer is not long in coming. 'Always.'
She knows it's a horrible idea. She knows herself enough to know there's only one way that a night of drinks with him can end in. Still, she changes quickly into a nice black and white dress, gearing up for whatever this night will or won't bring, ready to regret it the next morning.
The place of the meeting is familiar, it takes a moment for memories to resurface but eventually she remembers being here before with Lucca. The good old times of the three of them against the world. She kind of still misses the freedom and naïveté of those days, the days when, no matter what, there was always a reason to laugh or celebrate, in spite of the catastrophe that was their financial state. They made a great team. She spots Jason sitting at the bar, already waiting for her, and suddenly regrets not having asked Lucca to join them. It was the perfect occasion for a nice get-together. Not to mention, Lucca would have prevented her from doing anything deplorable.
The conversation struggles to take off. She shouldn't be surprised, the bitterness for how it ended between them is all still there, and there is so much more that shall probably be left unsaid. They both made their choices, right or wrong, and accounted for them, so dredging up the past now would be simply pointless. It's when the nicely tart mixture of rum, mint and lime juice kicks in that the atmosphere seems to become less taut. She's far from being drunk, not with just one drink, yet finds herself smiling and laughing with unusual ease. Maybe that's the effect he always had on her. Is this how she used to feel with him? Light? Happy? Only when Jason's gaze becomes suddenly meaningful, does she notice her hand is resting on his arm. She could move it away, it would be so simple, back to her place like nothing ever happened, ordering another drink, or even better call it a day, except that her body refuses to obey. And when his lips get closer, exasperatingly slow, she has no idea who of them moved first to close the distance.
In a moment of unblushing audacity, her lips find his ear, suggesting under her breath the one thing they're both longing for.
When a couple of hours later she locks herself back into the quiet of her apartment it's well past midnight. She should be exhausted. Her body is exhausted indeed, begging for a good night of sleep – or at least for the few hours it's granted until the damn alarm clock goes off, – her legs are still weak and everything around her spins lightly, but her mind can't stop replaying and deconstructing the events of the day. As she takes off the dress for the second time that night, flashes of her physical rekindling with Jason keep rolling before her eyes. Who is she kidding? When she told him they moved on, she was subconsciously lying. She thought it was just her, but after tonight, all her certainties started to vacillate. He still has feelings of whatever nature for her; the way he made love to her, avid, yet with familiar tenderness, can't be misread.
She's never been so conflicted in her life.
She should call Lucca, talk to her, even if it's late she knows her friend would listen, but she quickly rethinks it. She's too tired for a lecture, emotionally too agitated to take any discouragement – or even its opposite. As she lie down to try and sleep, she repeats herself to infinity the words Lucca told her, almost one year ago. Have fun until it lasts. It's only a couple of weeks, Jason will leave just as he came, this time there are no expectations whatsoever, so you can't get burned.
/ / /
It's not of her, it's not who she is, that's what Alicia told Lucca last time she found herself with the same struggle. As she sits at her desk in a rare moment of quiet, her mind is allowed to fall out of touch with the reality of her surroundings. She can't do it again, she promises herself not to do it again. She's resolute not to let anything between her and Jason get deeper than it already got. It was a sizzling encounter, she can't deny it, and whatever was there when he left the first time is undoubtedly still there, but it has to remain that. Head hidden in her hands, she heaves a frustrated sigh. Stop it, Alicia. You have work to do. Lost in her inner fights, she halts when the single blip of her phone alerts her of an incoming text. Jason. 'We should talk about last night.'
They should talk about it, or maybe they shouldn't. In this moment she can't think straight, so the best option seems to not answer at all. Instead, she speed dials Lucca's number, counting on her listening ear. She doesn't even have to tell her what it's all about, within minutes they're both sitting in her kitchen, drinks in hand.
"So, how did you two end up in the same place again? Metaphorically speaking of course, keep those details for another moment," Lucca tones down her friend's turmoil.
As if there was an answer for it? "I don't know… it… happened?"
"I left you with 'Oh my god I won't let anything happen'," Lucca parrots her, "and I found you with a text asking to talk about what happened," she pokes fun at Alicia, then sips her drink, keeping an inquisitive eye on her friend.
"Like good old times," Alicia mocks herself.
"Yes, I remember the good old times very well. Even their aftereffects. I'm trying to understand what's different this time." This time there's no lightness in Lucca's tone, and rightly so.
Alicia raises a brow, their old conversations still fresh in her mind. "What happened to 'You can be who you want to be' and 'Just have fun'?"
"You are incapable of it." Lucca's rash bluntness makes Alicia stiffen and cloud in fake offense.
"Wait… I always said it, and you always encouraged me anyway."
"I guess I still didn't know you enough."
"I suddenly feel offended," Alicia plays hurt.
"My question still stands. What's different this time?"
Good question, Alicia observes, a question that sadly seems not to have an answer. She heaves a frustrated sigh, then notices, "I guess that's a question for Jason."
It's already late afternoon when Jason's text becomes a phone call. She should have expected it, shouldn't she? And still, the prospect of discussing what happened the previous night makes her jittery, but when she hears his voice on the other end, all her good intentions collapse like a house of cards.
She offers they meet at her apartment; for some reason, being on home ground calms her nerves down, even if her sweaty hands reveal it's all a façade. What am I doing? She kicks herself as she sets the table for two. She considered cooking the dinner herself, but then changed her mind, sure she would have screwed it, so she ended up buying something precooked instead. It can't be worse than the mini tacos she offered him once, she thinks, as the doorbell rings and she rushes to open the door.
"Hey," she welcomes him with a tense smile that he returns with a softer one.
When she sees him peep around with tasteful curiosity, she remembers it's his first time in her new apartment.
"Nice place," he congratulates her, as he takes off his jacket.
"Thank you." She accepts the compliment and his jacket with a smile then shows him the way to the living room where they both take a seat at a comfortable distance.
"So," Alicia tries to break the ice.
"So."
This preamble is an amusing déjà-vu and Jason must be thinking the same, for they both chuckle at the awkwardness of the situation. Their attempt at a mild conversation gets interrupted abruptly by a beeping that comes from the kitchen. "Oh, it's… it's just the oven… I think dinner is ready," she explains, omitting the part where she actually just heated it. And sitting at the table, with a tasty dinner and the glasses filled with chilled red, everything becomes easier.
"So, how's Pittsburgh?" After satisfying a bit of his curiosity about the current state of her life, Alicia shifts the conversation on him.
"Not bad. Affordable, good food, very peculiar," he supports his brief description with a resolute nod.
"Not yet itchy?" she pokes some fun at him, remembering his words.
Jason chuckles, "Not yet," then looks down, maybe lost in the memory of that day.
'You want to go somewhere else and you want me to go with you, but not now, but at some point when you get itchy about staying in one place? Okay, I… I need to think on this.'
With a smile, she still recalls her surprise back then, when she realized what Jason was suggesting and how her whole life changed after that. Back then, she was equally enthralled and terrified by the idea of leaving everything behind, of untethering herself from Chicago, her family, her routine, her foundations. "I would have come." She barely whispers it, but it's the one thing she's been holding back ever since they met at Diane and Lucca's party.
"I know." Jason's answer is concise but honest.
"Then… why?" She doesn't need to be more specific. He knows perfectly what she's asking.
Jason lays down the fork, then looks away, searching for a reason that maybe he never really had. "Because you would have regretted it."
Bullshit. She takes a deep breath, trying to rein a good twenty years of unsolicited advices on how to live her life. "You know, all my life there's always been people thinking they knew what was better for me. If it wasn't my mother it was Owen. If it wasn't Owen it was Peter or even my own kids to feel the need to tell me what was better for me. And then…" The volume of her voice escalates, word after word, as her frustration quickly prevail. With a deep inhale, she regains composure. "And then there was you. And for a while I really thought you were different."
Jason takes in her outburst with a brooding silence. For a long moment he just stares at Alicia, brushing his lower lip pensively. Then, he moves a bit his chair and gestures for her to sit on his lap. At first she just looks at him, hesitatingly, unsure of what they are getting themselves into. Again. Then she slowly stands up and follows. She adjusts her weight on his thigh, almost shyly, and to be that close to him makes her whole body quiver. She missed, yet keeps fearing, this kind of proximity with him. When she feels his hand move, then rest on the small of her back, she instinctively brings her right arm around his shoulder.
"I'm not… it was never meant like that. I wasn't deciding what was better for you. I was afraid I'd screw it. I've never been the kind of man who likes being… tied… or need someone or something…. And whether it's a place or a person, it doesn't matter." Jason's eyes give away that this is the most honest he has ever been.
"You like your freedom, Jason, I get it. What I don't understand is why you asked me to go with you if you didn't really mean it," she confronts him.
"But I really meant it."
This conversation is a catch.-22. They're going nowhere. This is going nowhere. They are just going to hurt each other. Because as much as Alicia tries to convince herself it's nothing more than two old friends reuniting, they created too much baggage during the time they've been together. And they're both aware of it.
When the conversation fails to take them anywhere, they yield to the more pacific silence and only let their eyes speak. The distance reduces, inch after inch, until their lips meet, soft, tentative. Her left hand moves unconsciously to his cheek, in a gesture that still seems to come natural despite all the months of separation. And when his hands starts to caress her back, up and down in a slow motion, a soft moan escapes her lips.
Later that night, she's abandoned on his chest, her fingers tracing lazily the contour of his tattoo. Jason is quiet in an unusual way. She knows this has probably a lot to do with the conversation they had during the dinner but she doesn't want to ruin the moment with more questions that wouldn't have an answer anyway. She missed these moments, she missed just lying with him, hands intertwined, doing absolutely nothing but enjoying each other's presence.
"Would you still come? If I asked you?" Jason's long musing seems to have finally found his way into words.
Alicia's hand halts its itinerary. His question comes unexpected and she hopes he can't feel the sudden turmoil of her heart. She's not sure she wants to go there again. She already got burned once by the same invitation. "I don't know… Would you still chicken out if I said yes?"
"I didn't chicken out," Jason groans.
"You said you were afraid to screw it," she reminds him of his own words. "What would be different this time?" She looks up to see him stare briefly at her, then lose his gaze in the ceiling.
"I missed you," he almost whispers, then looks down to meet her bewildered expression.
Alicia reaches up, enough to place a delicate kiss on his lips, then resumes her position, making herself comfortable against his torso. "I missed you too. But it's not enough. Not this time."
"Come with me."
The statement, not a question, but a real demand, takes her off-guard. It's the first time he actually asks her, straight out, no lots on red planets or problems without solutions. And its bluntness scares her a bit. "I need… I need to think about it."
"That's what you said the last time."
"And that's why I have to think about it even more this time." She's not sure if her words make sense to him, but that's how she feels now, treading carefully, cautious like never before.
She feels Jason shift his weight on the mattress, then lift her so she lies on top of him, face to face. Hand on his cheek, she lowers her head to place repeated, soft kisses on his lips. She can tell by the light in his eyes that he really means it.
"I'm gonna ask you again tomorrow. And the next day. Every day, until I have to leave again," he warns her with a subtle grin, as he caresses her back.
"Sounds like you have a plan," she mocks him playfully before kissing him again, more demanding this time.
When she rubs against his body, making herself more comfortable, he closes his eyes for a moment, groaning lightly, then tightens his arms around her. "My only plan is to not lose you again."
"By running me down?"
Their bodies tremble, crossed by the vibrations of their unison chuckle. "Would that work?"
Alicia raises a brow, then looks up in fake pensiveness. "Who knows? Keep trying…"