No one is sure exactly how it happened. The Kennedy Report claims it was due to a dispersal of antibiotic mutagens into the atmosphere, but its author is first to admit that the hypothesis has a weak foundation. Other sources, such as the Spencer Diaries—now on display at the St. Clarabelle the Cow Memorial Museum—indicate that the mutation was somehow curbed due to an intricate fountain mechanism that restricted its area of effect by being predominantly absorbed by triangle-headed lampshade worshippers. A further theory noted only in a single, bloodied document harvested off the severed, ashy hand of a decomposing contestant from some kind of failed tournament hints at the possible, yet wholly improbable, possibility of space pirates.
Regardless of the details, one thing was indisputably clear: Xion was back and she wasn't a zombie.
Destiny High was on school break while Scruffy mopped the half-eaten corpses out of the classrooms and Coach Heinz practiced volley shots with his son Justy. The second Xion found out about the impromptu vacay, her nonexistent heart went into nonexistent overdrive. It was time to hit the beach with her latest studmuffin! She had already caught his attention as she sauntered by with her cute little sundress that she scavenged off some fashion model that didn't have the foresight to not get gnawed on by a zombified clerk at the gas station.
After flicking off some of the larger bits of dried brain matter from her tantalizing new dress's saucy bosom, she plucked up the courage to sashay back towards the hunky slap of man meat driving her wild with his come-hither looks. He gazed at her from behind the large window adorning the storefront of some mom-and-pop tourist agency. His strong, chiseled jaw and teeny mustache made her shudder with pure delight as she batted her eyes at him.
"Come here often, big boy?" she said with a giggle.
"I guess so...?" said Kairi while she was fawning over a movie poster for Apudin in the adjacent window.
"Um, I wasn't talking to you," said Xion with a haughty harrumph.
"I, like, know?" said Kairi with a smack of her pretty pink bubble gum. She then broke the shopfront window with a garbage can, stole the Apudin poster, and ran away. As if anyone would care. Those Apudin posters were a dime a dozen.
Confused, and slightly horrified if not aroused, Xion refocused her attention on her manmuffin studmeat. "Ahem, so where was I? Oh, yes. Do you happen to have an oxygen tank because you take my breath away..." she swooned at her love in the window.
She couldn't hear him from behind the glass, but luckily she could make out his word bubble. "I got lost on an African safari and you can too! Sign up for a discounted tour of the jungle today and get a free authentic replica gorilla pelt!"
Xion practically melted at the poetic timbre of his voice. Like a ravenous canine or feline or some hybrid of the two, she barged through the doors and grabbed her hunkalicious studmuffin. The cardboard cutout of Clayton immediately snapped in half from the pressure. Sad at his death but unperturbed, Xion got some tape and then hauled the latest love of her life over to the counter where she started looking at touristy things to do with her boyfriend of the week. It was around the time the pasty-faced clerk suggested a love cruise to the Caribbean that Scrooge barged into the door and declared a hostile takeover of the business. It didn't take him long to downsize, and within seconds the love cruise turned into a love caravan. Xion salivated at the enticing thought of being trapped on a cozy little tour bus for two straight weeks with her love cakes, so she instantly signed up.
With bus tickets in hand and a cozy fake fur mane on her cute little sundress, Xion dragged the beaten-up, taped-up cardboard studmuffin out the door and followed the map to the bus depot. Which turned out to be DiZ's Universal Serial Bus Emporium.
"Step right this way," said DiZ after taking Xion's tickets.
"What kind of bus depot is this?" Xion scoffed as she dragged her dreamboat across the floor. She needed to make a run for the best seats and turn them into a cozy little love nest but she couldn't find the bus. The room she entered had just one chair that looked like it had been ripped out of a dentist's office.
"A Universal Serial Bus one," said DiZ. "Now if you'll just take a seat, we can get started."
"Started on what?" Xion's pupils suddenly turned into little hearts. "Oh em gee, you mean get started on our honeymoon? But we're not even married yet, you old perv! ...But we could be. Are you ordained?"
DiZ coughed into his fist to clear his throat. "No, young lady. I was referring to the transfer process."
"You didn't answer the most important question, geezer! You're not one of those disgraced bishops are you?"
"Excuse me...?"
"You're in hot water, you know. So I expect a severely discounted rate. And if you make it free, I'll even let you have a peek and a squeeze, if you know what I mean," Xion said as she showed off her provocative little sundress, dried blood clots and all. "Heh, I can see I made you all red in the face, you perverted old man. Shame, shame. But I'm oddly open to it. How about we make this an even steamier caravan of love?"
"First of all, those are my bandages. You can't see my face. Second, I have other customers. So if you would please take your seat..."
"What other customers?" Xion looked around and saw no one.
"They're inside the Universal Serial Buses waiting to be transported."
"Again, I don't see any buses. Did all those Vatican scandals turn your brains into mushy piles of goo?" Xion stopped for a second and drooled. For some reason, she had the strangest craving for brains and regretted flicking away the totally ready-made lunch that came free with her cute little sundress.
"Just have a seat, please," DiZ insisted.
While she was dreamily drooling over what she hoped her studmuffin would spoon to her on the beach, her grip on the cardboard Clayton loosened. It slipped from her grasp and fluttered towards the dentist chair, snapping Xion back to reality. "Oh, my dear little yummy-gummy-schmummy studly muffin! You're in a hurry to get aboard the love caravan I see! Hee hee! Well, in that case~!"
Swept away by the throes of nonexistent passion that nonexistently beamed from her nonexistent heart, Xion pranced over to the chair and snuggled up to her man meatloaf by sitting square on the cardboard's face. "Oh, you naughty, naughty man!" she giggled.
DiZ didn't even wait for Xion to be strapped in before he flipped the switch and digitized her. The cardboard, because it wasn't biodegradable or organic, didn't follow suit. All of Xion's data was transmitted into a thumb drive, which was then slipped into an envelope and mailed to the only place Scrooge could get a cheap rate on vacations: the set of That's SO Ricky. But by the time the letter arrived, the show was on hiatus. So the Executive Producer's assistant dumped it in the trash since she wasn't getting paid enough to deal with mail anymore.
After a magical, wondrous journey on a trash barge, Xion's envelope got pecked at by a seagull, dropped into the ocean, used as blackmail by Fox News reporters still scuba diving for dirt on Iago's latest love affair, and swept away by the currents until it landed on the shores of a tiny little island in the middle of nowhere. Turtle found it and brought it inside the funky pink house that was square in the center of the island.
"Hmm? What's that you got there, Turtle?" said Master Roshi, the old hermit that lived in the house. "Hee, hee! Did my new issue of Busty Babes Gone Wild arrive?"
"Uh, no, Master Roshi," said Turtle as he spat the envelope on the floor. "This thing just washed ashore."
"Oh ho! What have we here?" Master Roshi took the envelope and cut it open, allowing the USB stick to fall at his feet. "Well, well! Is this what I think it is?"
"What is it, Master Roshi?"
"Hmm, yes..." The old hermit carefully inspected the thumb drive. "Ho ho! I think we hit the jackpot, Turtle! Hot dog! This has to be a treasure trove!"
"A treasure trove?" Turtle was confused.
"Think of all the hot stuff packed into this little beauty!"
"Hot stuff?"
"What are ya, an idjit? Babes, Turtle! I'm talking babes! On the beach! Skinny bikinis! The whole shebang!"
"Huuuuuuuh...Oh!" Turtle went red in the face. "On that tiny thing?"
"A man could fit a lifetime's worth on this!"
"Gosh, Master Roshi! That's incredible!"
"Yeah, an incredible shame!"
"What do you mean?"
"We need a computer for this thing to work."
"Didn't we have one?" Turtle squinted towards the coffee table where Master Roshi liked to keep his computer and stack of dirty DVDs, but it was conspicuously missing. "Gosh, Master Roshi! What happened to your laptop?"
"I had to pawn it off to pay this year's taxes! All thanks to that terrible tax reform, I didn't get any rebates this year!"
"Golly, and the IRS found you all the way out here?"
Master Roshi folded his arms and scoffed. "All thanks to that new sewage transportation system of theirs, the tax collector popped outta the john just as I was about to take my morning trip!"
"Golly! That sure is persistent!"
"Tell me about it!" Master Roshi stuffed the USB back into the soggy envelope and flushed it down the toilet. "Maybe if I send this to them, they won't tax us next year! Hee hee!"
"One can only hope..."
"Now come on, Turtle! Turn on the tube! The next episode of Snack Mommas is about to start!"
Meanwhile, half across the world on a farm up a hill, Roxas was working hard harvesting Pooh sticks. After all the Pooh sticks were collected, Roxas gave the sack to Roo, who promptly delivered them to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
The end.