The Foxy Duck of St. Canard
This is a story all about how
Life turned and flipped upside down
And it'll only take a minute, it's not too hard
To tell you how I got in peril in the city of St. Canard
Chapter 1
This is my story about the time I met Darkwing Duck! I will warn you that this story has some—well—colorful language. So prudes need not apply. Ok, are the prudes gone? ¡Bueno! Where should I begin—Oh yeah….
Some time ago, I was visiting my relatives in St. Canard. I was in my uncle's home—well you know—chillin'. I was staying in a second story room in the front of the house. That particular afternoon, I drank ginger beer and skimmed through some catalogs. After awhile, I got kind of bored so I went to the window to look outside. Ay, it was a glorious sunny day. I happened to look to the front yard and guess what I spotted. A litterbug! Some fool just finished off a candy bar and had the nerve to drop the wrapper on my uncle's prized lawn. To make matters worse he was standing in the middle of the yard, when there was clearly a sign stating: Keep off the Grass.
I opened the window and yelled outside, "Hey you!"
He looked up at me and gestured like 'you talking to me?'
"Yeah you! Pick up your trash and get off the lawn!" I hollered.
The riffraff had the nerve to defiantly fold his arms. Let me tell you, this riffraff was different from your usual garden variety riffraff. This drake had on some wild stylish threads. Let me describe it to you; red wide brimmed fedora with a black band, red turtleneck shirt, yellow double breasted jacket with four large black buttons on the front of the jacket and two small black buttons on each cuff, a black CAPE with a dark red lining and the wildest part of all—a black MASK! Yes, I believed he was a pimp. I thought who else would dress so damn eccentric!
"Get off the lawn, you illiterate pimp!" I yelled out the window.
The pimp yelled back, "You can't talk to me like that!"
"I just did! GET—OFF—THE—LAWN!!!" I bellowed.
"I'll get you bitch!" He shook his fist.
"Watch your language ignorant bastard! I'm a coatimundi!" I gave the pimp the raspberry.
The duck jumped up startled at my insolence. I guessed he was so used to nobody in his stable giving him lip. He ran off and I huffed at his stupidity. I closed the window and turned to get a snack when I heard a loud THUMP! I turned to the window and saw that the pimp duck had smacked straight into the window. He slowly slid down the window and fell unto the yard. I disgustedly looked at the window. That fool got my uncle's window all smeared up. I glared out the window and saw a pole with the fool in a heap. I guessed he tried to pole vault into the window. I opened the window and shook my head in pity for the fool. He sprang up and ran off somewhere. I looked around figuring that he would be back and I was right. He was clutching a ladder and quickly set it up to my window. He frantically climbed the ladder and was greeted by a barred window gate to the bill. I mentally thanked my uncle for burglar proofing his home. It's a shame St. Canard was so crime ridden.
The pimp and the ladder plummeted to the street below. Of course, Pimp duck wouldn't give up so easily. He was quickly back up on the ladder and shaking the bars on my window.
I yelled, "Give it up you crazy pimp! I'm calling the cops!"
He growled, "Go ahead! The police in this city are worthless! We'll be in a retirement home before they come!"
I speed dialed the police on my cell phone, went through a very long automated voice answering system and then was put on hold. I yelled out all kinds of obscenities that I'm too ladylike to repeat.
Pimp duck chortled, "Told you so! You're on your own." He reached through the bars and grabbed my jade dress. "Now let me teach you a lesson!" he snarled.
"Get off of me you weird wicked wrongdoer!" I hollered.
He momentarily stopped, gave me a strange look then went back to trying to drag me towards him.
I shrieked, "¡¡Dios mío!!" and luckily struggled out of my dress. When I got free I was so horrified. "PLUCK YOU!!!" I screeched.
He looked me up and down, and then leered. "Is that an offer, puta?"
Enraged, I hit him on the head with the phone as hard as I could. He was dazed and once again he fell backwards unto the pavement.
I opened the bars, shook my fist at pimp duck and screamed, "That's the only blow to the head you'll ever get from me!!"
He jumped up and I threw a bucket of ice-cold water onto him.
As he shook himself off of the water, I yelled, "I know why you're so mean and nasty! You been without you sorry pimp!"
He looked up perplexed. "Without what, Taco Bella?"
"You know! You don't have a woman, I bet!"
He narrowed his eyes and pouted.
"HA! See if you had a woman, Mr. Mack Daddy; you wouldn't be wasting time trying to get your grubby hands on my honey pot. You be too busy getting some sweet stuff elsewhere!"
He clenched his fists and his face contorted into a scowl. He then muttered obscenities and angrily stormed off. I waited for awhile and he didn't return. Thank goodness, I thought but then more losers showed up in the evening.