DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own ER, or the characters…
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is just an idea that popped into my head
this afternoon…The first section of this chapter is from Abby's POV, and the
second section is from Luka's POV. I
will post a second chapter dealing with Luka's dreams if I get positive
feedback on this chapter. So, please
r/r, I thrive on feedback!!
NIGHT TERRORS: ABBY
Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep. I lay awake for as long as possible, clasped
in the safety of sleeplessness and Luka's embrace. I am so tired, but I know that once I fall asleep, the dreams may
come.
They are always the same.
I am running, running, running – from or to what, I never know. Until I reach a huge, open field. And there she is, Maggie, standing in front
of me holding a knife. She is laughing
her manic laugh, and suddenly I can't run anymore. I look down and there, at her feet, lies Eric in a pool of blood. So red…And I know that I didn't run fast
enough, that I am too late.
Then I wake, sweaty and panicky and crying silently. It is only at night, in my sleep, that I
cry. I press myself closer against
Luka's sleeping body and he always grabs one of my hands. The first time he did that I thought he was
awake, but this has happened so many times now that I know he is even
comforting me while he sleeps.
If it has been really bad and I've cried out in my sleep, he
wakes up too. He turns and holds me
against his chest and strokes my hair like he would do if I were a little
girl. Touching him – my protector, my
comforter – my heart finally slows down and I fall into a mercifully dreamless
sleep.
Lately, though, I've been having a different dream. Or nightmare, whatever you want to call
it. I am standing in a room full of
children. They are all identical, and
when I look closer I see that they are all miniature Lukas. In my dream, I know that they are the
children that Luka and I may someday have, the children that Luka surely
wants. But something is wrong. Half of these little boys are yelling and
crying angrily, and the other half are laughing hysterically. I am running around, desperately trying to
comfort the sad ones and quiet the others.
I keep looking for Luka to help me, and he appears. But he doesn't try to help. He yells at me instead, something about
making our children bipolar. I am
crying in my dream, and then suddenly the children start shriveling up. They all are laying on the floor in fetal
positions, and Luka is yelling again, this time telling me that I killed our
children.
As with the other dream, I wake up crying. Since this dream is a new one for me, more
often than not I find that my crying has woken Luka. He tries to comfort me, but something in me won't let me be held
by him. I know the message of this
dream: I am not fit to be a mother. I
am not fit to be with Luka, even. He is
so good to me. I put him through so
much and I can hardly believe that he stays with me. He says he loves me, but I know that I don't deserve his
love. So, as much as I long to cling to
Luka, after this dream I cannot.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I watch Abby sleep next to me, her hair plastered to her
sweaty brow. Tonight was a bad night
for her – she had the new nightmare again.
She thinks I don't know the difference between her dreams, but I
do. She told me about the one with her
mother and brother, but she hasn't told me that she's started having a
different one. I know, though. I know that I must play a part in this new
dream, because when she wakes up she won't let me hold her. That scares me. What kind of nightmare must it be? She thinks that I have no clue, but I've guessed a bit from the
garbled phrases she cries out just before she wakes up.
"They can't be sick!"
"I killed them…"
I am afraid that I am partly to blame for this dream because
I have been talking about someday having children again. I know that Abby is afraid that any children
she will have could be bipolar. I also
know about her abortion and her reasons for it. As I watch her sleep, I hate myself for the role I have played in
her nighttime anguish. All I can do is
wait until she falls asleep and then hold her in my arms, vowing never to hurt
her again with my selfish wishes.
