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She never would have believed she would end up here. Surrounded by expensive abstract artwork and oversized furniture she feels herself begin to sweat. This isn't new. In fact this was her fifth appointment, but this was something she just could not get used to.
"Please Olivia, sit." Dr. Walker smiled warmly.
Olivia clasped her damp palms together before slowly lowering herself into the large leather chair behind her. Everything was too calm, like the calming before a terrible storm. Part of her wished she never would have come here in the first place.
"So Olivia, how are you feeling?" Dr. Walker always opened with this question. Olivia hated it. It was so vague. Her eyes began to wander around before finally settling on the large bay windows on the other side of the room. Outside it was beginning to sprinkle, little drops of percipitation lightly bounced off the glass. The sky was a deep, ugly gray.
"Olivia? Are you alright?" Her psychiatrist's worry filled voiced snapped Olivia back to reality.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I drifted off for a second." Olivia made an attempt to smile.
"Has that been happening a lot recently?" Ah, here we go. The therapy has begun. It's amazing how everything that slips out of your mouth can be turned into some wonderful insight into your "true emotions". Olivia groaned quietly before speaking.
"I don't know. Sometimes, I guess." Dr. Walker scribbled violently into her notebook. Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She had barely said two sentences! What could she possibly be writing about?
"Do you think this..."zoning out" has affected your ability to perform well at work?"
"No." Olivia hastily answered.
"Okay, okay." Dr. Walker raised her wrinkled hands in a sort of defensive position.
"How's your sleep been?" She looked up over her thick rimmed glasses at the detective.
"Poor. I haven't slept well since the..." Olivia abruptly stopped herself, "it's been poor."
"You were about to say something earlier before you repeated yourself."
"It's was nothing. I stumbled over my own words." Olivia began gnawing on her fingernails, a nasty habit that had recently formed.
"Olivia, I really think we need to talk about what you went through a few months ago..." Olivia cut Dr. Walker off.
"We already did. I told you everything during the first appointment." Outside the rain began to pound on the roof, thunder lightly boomed in the distnace.
"Well yes, you told me about it, but we never addressed how you felt about it."
Olivia looked down at the overly clean floor. She could see her reflection in the wood. She continued biting her nails, not realizing her fingertips were beginning to bleed. Tiny streams of crimson escaped from the pulsating nail beds. She didn't want to talk about that. She didn't want to think about him. She had already told Dr. Walker what had happened, wasn't that enough? Wasn't it enough that she was the only one who truely knew what happened to her that day down to the last disguisting detail? As silly as it was, Olivia really believed that if she just told someone, anyone, about what had happened these "issues" she was having would disappear.
"Olivia?" Her face grew hot. She had zoned out again. Her shirt was beginning to turn a dark shade of blue under her rib cage. She was sweating like a mad woman.
"Sorry." Olivia began to examine her bloody fingers.
"Would you like to wash your hands?"
"No. I'm okay. I don't know where this awful habit has come from." Olivia crossed her arms, hiding her embarressing hands under her armpits. Silence filled the room again.
"So you work sex crimes. That most be tough seeing such brutallity everyday."
"You learn to cope with it. You have to be strong, both when dealing with victims and perps."
"Do you ever talk to anyone about your work?" Dr. Walker began writing in her notebook again.
"Umm, well I talk with my partner about it." Olivia felt slight twinge of happiness at the thought of him. For a moment she was at ease, she felt safe.
"You work with a partner? What is she like?" Dr. Walker seemed to be aware of Olivia's mood change.
"It's a he actually. His name is Elliot Stabler. We've worked together for a little over ten years now."
"Ten years? Wow, that's a long time. Judging by your expression you most be quite fond of this Elliot Stabler." Olivia felt her cheeks grow red.
"He's my best friend. I trust him more than anybody else I know." Olivia released a faint smile.
"Have you talked to him about Sealview?" Any small amount of happiness Olivia was beginning to feel was quickly extinguished. The question seemed to only echo louder and louder in the silence.
"No." Olivia's voice cracked.
"Does he know you were attacked?" Olivia felt tears beginning to form.
"He knows something happened but I never actually talked with him about it." She felt as though she was choking. The room slowly began to revolve around her.
"Olivia, you're looking really pale." Dr. Walker stood up and took a few steps toward her. Olivia's fingers were digging into the soft leather that surrounded her. She couldn't breathe.
"Olivia, Olivia?" The psychiatrist quickly helped Olivia out of the chair and laid her down on the floor. The wood felt cool on her hot back. Sweat began streaming down her face. Black dots began to attack her vision, she was going to lose conciousness. She felt Dr. Walker prop her legs up on the chair she had been sitting in trying to get the blood flow back into her head.
"Olivia, can you say something honey?" The room had finally stopped spinning.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Olivia whispered over and over feeling embarressed and extremely upset. What was happening to her?
"It's okay. You had a panic attack that's all. Lots of people have them. You're going to be okay. Try to stop crying honey. It makes it harder for you to breathe." Dr. Walker held Olivia's wrist in her hand taking her pulse. Olivia lightly banged her head on the floor. After laying down for about five minutes Dr. Walker finally allowed Olivia to sit up.
"How do you feel? Are you alright?"
"Yeah. Fine." Olivia grunted as she quickly stood up. Outside the storm had gotten worse, lightning light up the dark sky. The weather almost seemed angry.
"Olivia, I would like you to try some medication. I think it could really help." Olivia ran her hand through her short brunette hair. Had she really sunk that low?
"Medication is nothing to be ashamed of and it's not permanent. Some people need extra help." Olivia couldn't bring herself to even look at Dr. Walker. She felt so pathetic.
"Please just try it." The psychiatrist grabbed her prescription pad and began her scribbling. She ripped the top page off and handed it to Olivia. She heisitated for a second before finally accepting the small piece of green paper.
"Thanks. I think I better get going. I've already been here five minutes too long." Olivia spoke as she began wallking toward the door.
"I want to see you next week, Olivia." The detective stopped and slowly turned around.
"Okay. I'll call you to set up an appointment, but I've got to go." Olivia's hand had barely touched the door knob before Dr. Walker spoke again.
"Please call me if you begin to feel overwhelmed." Olivia didn't turn around this time. She simply mumbled 'okay' before stepping outside and closing the door.
She stood under the porch and stared at the rain that continued to pour. The wind violently gusted, slightly lifting her shirt and messing up her hair. Olivia began walking up the drive way toward her car allowing the rain to wash over her.
She sat in her car for maybe ten minutes just sobbing, the weather drowning out any noise she was making. She drew her knees up to her chest and buried her head in her legs. She felt wrecked, damaged beyond repair. She wasn't the same Olivia Benson she had once been.
She slowly sat up and put her key in the ignition. The car roared to life and she shifted the car into reverse. Her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket.
Caught a case. Where R U?-Stabler
Olivia sighed as she punched the numbers on her cell phone.
Got a bite to eat. On my way now.-Benson. Send.
She waited a few moments for him to respond.
Food w/o me? I'm hurt:( Drive safely. This weather is nuts! I don't want to have to break in another partner;D-Stabler
Olivia smiled as she shoved the phone back into her pocket and began to make her way back to the precinct. He was the one good thing she still had. Without him...
"I don't know what I'd do without him." Olivia spoke aloud to herself.