Harry Potter and the 'Hogwart's School of Modern Art'

This story is somewhat of a crackfic, somewhat of a loose parody of art school in general, presented a s small snippets, and somewhat just for the hell of it. A bunch of oneshots/one liners

"You told me they were no good bohemians who got wasted and died in a car crash!

"James and Lily die in car crash? Of course not! They weren't even bohemians either, they were in Gryfindor not Hufflepuff!"

Hagid's face darkened. "He who is untitled got them. Destroyed their careers, first, and then killed them in the end."

"I will not pay for some cracked up old pothead to teach him to-to, to draw naked older women!"

"Oh shut up Dursley, yeh great prude. They don't even get to draw figures till second year, much less nudes till fourth!" Hagrid paused for a moment "And besides, there's nothing wrong with that, figure drawin' being an essential part of a liberal arts education."

Vernon Dursley's jowls quivered, as he stared, repulsed.

Harry grinned. He could draw people if he wanted to now, without needing to hide his sketchbook!

Hagrid paused. "Well, your parents, they were Gryfindors. Lily was more of an Abstract Expressionist, James a bit more for pop art, but both very outgoing, like most of Gryfindor. The Ravenclaws, they like the more cerebral approach, minimalism and conceptual art and such – some of them do a bit of some stranger performances, mind. Hufflepuff, they take anyone, though as I mentioned before, they do tend to attract any of the bohemian crowd. And Slytheryn...well, you don't want to go there. That's the angst and emo style(1), there. Bunch of posers if you ask me."

1. I am aware that there is no 'angst' school of art (except possibly on DeviantArt), and that I'm terribly mangling the others around to fit the Harry Potter Universe. Either my art history proff would laugh, or have an apologetic fit.

"And now for the sorting ceremony. Each of you will come up, and take an object from the hat. Please hold onto it for now."

Once each student had something in their hands, McGonagall continued, "These objects correspond with the label on your studio space – you will have to share with two other students. It will also serve as the basis of your stillife work for this year. Each class, when working from a still life, be that in drawing, painting or sculpture, you will use your objects for the image.

Harry looked down at his piece of driftwood, wrapped with twine. That didn't sound so bad, did it? They were actually giving him something to draw, that sounded rather nice to him, although he kept hearing muttering in the back about 'all year'? And 'she can't be serious, we'd go nuts with the same thing all year!'

The class of Gryfindors and Slytherins looked around the printmaking studio, filled with the smells of chemicals and the stacks of planchests and other, odder equipment. Where was the professor? Harry looked around slowly, wrinkling his nose slightly. It smelled...interesting. Like the turpentine he'd found in the garage one time to clean some brushes he'd saved from the bin.

The door opened with a bang, and Professor Snape strode in, his long apron fluttering dramatically as he turned and stood in the centre of the room.

"There will be no foolish paint splattering or throwing clay in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is printmaking. However, for those select few who possess the predisposition, I can teach you how to print plates, and shoot screens. I can tell you how to carve, engrave, tease a drawing from a stone, and even etch the most delicate of aquatints. Then again, maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts in possession of abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention!"

Snape paused, sneering "Mr. Potter. Our new celebrity."

"Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered rosin to a litho stone? You don't know? Well, let's try again. What type of paper would you use, Mr. Potter, if I asked you to print a Japanese woodblock?...And what is the difference between Edinburgh etch and ferric chloride?"

Harry shook his head, bewildered.

"...Pity. Clearly, fame isn't everything, is it, Mr. Potter?"

Madam Hooch looked at the line of student on the grass lined up besides their easels. "Welcome to your first painting lesson. Well, what are you waiting for? Everyone step up to the easel. Come on now, hurry up. Look up, we're going to be drawing the castle; I hope you all mixed that paint last night."

Students looked at each other, and quickly picked up their pallets, listening to Madam Hooch continue to give instructions, and correct their stretched canvas techniques. "No, I can see you'e been doing this wrong for years, look at the way it sags in the middle like that, that's far too loose!"

Ron snickered – the look on Malfoy's face was sour, and he pointed that out to Harry. They watched as Neville kept nervously adjusting the settings on the easel, and then blinked as he twisted the wingnut over a bit too far – and the heavy canvas snapped down on his fingers, and then dropped on his foot. Something fell out of Neville's pocket as he overbalanced with an "ouch!" bringing Madam Hooch over at once.

She poked at his foot, and frowned. "I think you've broken a few toes here. Can you bend that? No? Lets get you to the infirmary. The rest of you, keep painting, but nothing else just that!"

It took less than a minute after she had disappeared for the paint flinging to begin.

A list of theoretical subjects offered:

Drawing/ Charms

sculpture / Transfiguration

painting / flying

printmaking / Potions

photography / Defence against the dark arts

performance / divination

installation, / herbology

papermaking / care of magical creatures

art history / History of Magic

Curatorial studies / Ancient Runes

Conceptual art / Arithramcy

film / astronomy

special projects / muggle studies

As said – a oneshot crack piece that I recently found on my hard drive. I think it was written 5 years ago, at least three – I think there are similar ideas of hogwart's as an art school out there now, but wasn't at the time. Thought it was funny, hope you share the sentiment, so thought I'd post it.