The harrowing last cries of soldiers as they were devoured intermingled with the angry voices from the street; a perpetual reminder of the blood that was on his hands. And damned be Erwin if he couldn't recall every single death rattle. Every accusation that followed. Was it worth it? He didn't know. At this point, failure was how he made his livelihood. The thought sunk into him deep, like a nail in a coffin. If it wasn't so hard to scrape by within the walls, he might have turned away his pay check without a second thought… as it was, he couldn't do even that small gesture to display his grief to the broken families he had left behind. It was useless. He was useless! Damn the life each one of them lead! He reached his office, and shut the door behind him firmly, taking a key from his pocket and locking it.
The scream that followed next wrenched itself right from his gut, and left him winded as he brought his fists down upon his desk. Wood groaned beneath the force, some papers scattered and floated to the floor. Pathetic. Self hatred boiled inside of him, building up behind his eyes like a migraine. He brought his fist down again, this time into the side of his head before he could think the better of it. The unfiltered strength of it made him lose his balance and fall to his knees, head spinning. Briefly, he wondered if he had given himself a concussion, before stubbornly deciding he didn't care and sweeping an arm across his desk to bring all his belongings, all the papers, all the accounts of those who had been killed, down with him.
For a moment, he lost himself, vision slowing as the files of those whom the Survey Corp. had lost the last exhibition floated past his eyes.
Erwin wondered just how many more names would join the ones on his desk after the deceased from today were accounted for.
It wasn't until dark stains appeared on the loose papers at his knees that he realised he was crying. As if he had the right to… he had made his decisions fully aware that there would be carnage. That perhaps more would die than those who lived. And not one, not one soldier would escape unscathed, the memories of those who were torn apart right in front of them forever burned into their consciousness. Indeed, they would never be the same again.
Erwin hit his hands against the floor, then rose up, loitering in a trance for just a second, before he threw a punch at the wall. It cracked open his knuckles, bringing blood and a dull stinging pain. Leaving no time for thought, he repeated the action again, and again, the knuckles on his right hand growing more bloody, purple and black bruises staining his skin.
It was disgusting: that he could still cry, that he could still pity himself after he had voluntarily turned himself into a monster of humanity. Even more so that despite everything, Erwin himself was still alive. Why did he deserve to see another day more than the men and women lost today?
His arms ran out of strength, bloodied, battered, and utterly exhausted. Laying his forehead on and curling his fists against the wall, he struggled to recover his breath, uncontrollable, unwanted tears wetting his cheeks.
"…pathetic." He said softly.
His senses sharpened at the sound of his door being unlocked. It swung open lazily, and Erwin knew exactly who it was without even needing to raise his face. The only other person who had a key to his office besides him. Levi.
The captain entered, then coolly leant back on the door, clicking it back shut. "Hey. You done having your temper tantrum yet?"
As much as Erwin usually appreciated the straight forwardness of his subordinates tone, in this moment, he wanted nothing more than to deck the man across the floor.
"Is there something you needed, Levi?" He bit out, attempting to fold down his voice, make it proper, even, steady. Instead it came out rough and worn, like nails against a blackboard.
The commander could sense the sharp twitch of the captains brow as he went on in his monotonous drawl, "No, not really. I just came to make sure you didn't kill yourself out of stupidity."
This time Erwin couldn't hold back the snarl in his voice. "I could quite easily have you court marshalled for speaking to me that way."
"Tch. So, you're threatening me now?"
And so went his last straw of patience, punctuated with another attack on the wall. "If you have no business with me I suggest you get the hell out of my office!"
Levi stared at him in mildly stunned silence, which gave Erwin some brief satisfaction at least.
"Have you finally lost it?" Levi eventually broke through he tension, striding across the room and seizing him by his collar.
"You could break every bone in your body- hell, you could even kill yourself if you wanted- but it wouldn't bring back the brave soldiers we've lost."
A dangerous glint appeared in his eyes that Erwin knew all too well, "We don't follow you for your humanity, Erwin, we follow you 'cause you get shit done. So are you done with this pity party, or are we all going to become Titan chow? I suggest you tell me now, and just a heads up, if I don't like what I hear, I'm gonna have to beat the sense back into you."
Oh, Levi. His rough, blunt edges usually brought Erwin out of any funk, but it just wasn't his day.
Levi looked like he was prepared for anything from a violent assault to another threat of being shot, but what he apparently wasn't prepared for was for his commander to break down into hysterical tears.
Levi released his grip on the former's shirt and slowly stepped back, watching him with utter bewilderment as Erwin sank to his knees and buried his face in his hands.
"…The Hell…?"
"Is this worth it, Levi? Tell me, is losing your humanity honestly worth whatever is beyond these walls?"
The captain made no response, but did not take his eyes from the pitiful mess on the floor.
"Because I have no idea- knowingly leading men to their death- can that be justified? Or are we just monsters without purpose?" Erwin could barely breathe, and was close to screaming, mindlessly vomiting out whatever came into his head.
"And what if I was stupid enough to kill myself? Would that really be so wrong, would it-"
"Erwin." Levi crouched down to meet him on his level. He closed his eyes, and sighed like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, which, Erwin supposed, it was. When he opened them again, the commander's breath caught in his throat at the softness he found there. "You're not a monster. You're just a stupid old man."
Despite himself, Erwin laughed. Such a way with words, as always.
"No one's making the sons of bitches sign up, they did that voluntarily. All you're doing is giving them hope, a chance to live. Face it, before that formation you came up with, it was just population control. Now they have a reason to lay down their lives, and you're that reason. You're leading them someplace they can't even see." Levi thought for a moment, then muttered looking almost… embarrassed? "That's why I agreed to stay with the Survey Corp. You're the reason I can say I don't have any regrets. So whatever idiot thoughts you've got in that head of yours, hand them their redundancy notice."
Erwin drew in a deep breath, then laughed so hard he almost choked.
Levi clicked his tongue. "You're on a weird ass trip today. Care to tell me what's so funny?"
Instead of giving an answer, the commander leant forward and wrapped his arms around the captains waist, burying his face in his lap. "Thank you, Levi."
"Wh… whatever."
Erwin felt him gasp, then felt the light touch of arms around his shoulders, and smiled.
"You can thank me by not dying."
"The same to you." The commander sighed, standing up. Levi followed suite, and the two exchanged glances.
Then followed a sight that made Erwin wonder whether he really was going off the deep end; Levi smiled.
"So, if you're done, we've got a dinner to see to."