So, in a Discord server I'm in with some other authors and readers, the topic of smut fics came up. I only have one thus far, and the convo made me want to write another. So this became a thing. Problem is, after I started writing it I got a little (a lot) subverted (completely and utterly changed the story and tone in every possible way), and so now, while still a lemon, it is very, VERY much darker than what you'd expect. Depression, death, less-than-great actions made by our favorite pairing, etc. So, only read this if you think you can handle it, and if what occurs won't make you hate me for having BBRae do something so... questionable. I'd prefer in general that people not hate me. For those who continue, sorry if this isn't to your liking, but if it is you're welcome
Also, shoutout to Taygon55 for beta reading. Y'all should check him out, great writer with a fic with some awesome things in store
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans
.: To Find Comfort :.
The sky was a glamorous meld of purples, oranges, yellows, reds, and a thousand other colors all bleeding together in a breathtaking announcement of the sun's departure. It was just reaching the surface of the bay on its descent, the magnificent artistry above, of which the great heavenly body was the creator, reflected back on the water below. The sun's only company was the occasional white strands of a cloud drifting lazily across the sky. The various colors created by the sunset blending into their soft curls and wisps to form entirely new ones, rich and lively hues mixed in and around each other throughout each individual cloud. Even the air itself seemed to breath of contentment, peace, and beauty. Everything was colorful, vibrant, alive.
So unlike the blue-clad girl as she flew slowly over the streets and buildings below. To her, the world about her may as well been muted, washed away to bleak blacks and whites, without a breath of life or love to it. Because she knew that the beautiful aesthetic was nothing more than a deceit. A curtain, obscuring a meaningless, desolate, and uncaring world that they all were subject to.
She didn't even acknowledge or register her surroundings as she continued on her way. Her hollow eyes were fixed, gazing straight ahead at some unattainable nothing, all else unnoticed and uncared for. Her face was set and strained, body as numbed as her heart was to the world about her. Her mind too, was stagnant, detached, as though it were rebelling against remaining in such a grim, unendurable place for any longer. And for the first time, Raven decided she couldn't blame it.
Finally, a large tower shaped like the letter T rose up before her as below, water took the place of land. This brought her mind back to herself enough to reflect. Normally the dark girl would have teleported directly to her destination, but she currently didn't have faith in her own abilities to do so, just as she couldn't trust her legs to support her body to walk there.
Of course, these thoughts were pushed aside just as fast as they entered her head, that awful emptiness that she welcomed with open arms forcing its way back almost instantly, returning her mind to a wonderful, terrible nothing.
Eventually, Raven reached the tower, and phased directly through its glass walls into a room that she didn't care enough to identify. As soon as she had done so, her feet touched the ground and she collapsed to the wall behind, unable to find the will to remain upright. Her body slid down the wall slowly, though she hardly noticed herself. She remained as so, surrounded by silence and alone for a time that she didn't bother to keep track of, mind remaining stubbornly empty as to not replay the moments that had just happened earlier.
Until, as she sat against the wall behind her and leaning listlessly to the side, a loud crashing sound caught her attention. She had thought herself alone in the Tower, but as the noises continued even more intensely Raven realized that was no longer the case. She stood up mechanically, not sure why she was even doing so as her feet began to move, heading towards the stairs ahead. She paused after only a handful of steps, and instead took flight again, ascending straight through the ceiling, and the ceiling above that, and the next, until she was level with the sounds. Her mind automatically focused itself, a result of year after year of practice and discipline, and she identified the room the crashes and bangs were coming from. The plate beside the blank metal door read 'Beast Boy'.
After it slid aside, Raven trudged slowly into the room, stopped inside the doorway to take in the wreckage that had once been someone's home. Bookcases and desks were overturned, their contents strewn about the floor in various forms of disarray. The bunk bed had been broken into pieces and thrown against a wall. Shattered glass from several broken lights on the ceiling was scattered about haphazardly. A yell from the center of the room finally brought her attention to the culprit just as Beast Boy picked up a chair and, with his bare hands, cracked it in two before hurling them at a wall. He had been screaming the whole time, she noticed dispassionately, voice hoarse and raw with emotion.
Emotion, Raven realized, that otherwise was undetectable from the green teen. His feelings were completely silent, nonexistent, missing. For the first time since it had happened, the empath stopped to dwell on something. Beast Boy. His complete and utter lack of emotion was unsettling to her, unnatural for the generally upbeat and expressive changeling, and she started forward just as he threw a punch at the nearest wall. The impact an indent in the solid metal around where his hand connected, leaving behind a small bloody smear. He didn't bother acknowledge it before winding back his other arm.
Raven rushed forwards and grabbed her teammate before he could unleash the second blow, wordlessly turning him about to inspect him. He was unkempt, breathing heavily, and nearly shaking from something she could only guess at. Scrapes and bruises covering his hands and lower arms, likely a result of his rampage in the room, and tears were silently falling down his verdant face. This brought Raven's gaze to his eyes, and she was taken aback at the emptiness they held, before realizing he likely saw the same hollow nothing in her own.
Aware of the silence between them, the half demoness took his hands with her own, and a soft blue light began to brighten the room about them. His expression darkened, and this time she felt emotions to accompany it; anger. She knew why, as he had made it very clear over the years that he hated when she healed him, as it merely brought his pain into her own body to weather herself. She healed him anyways.
The silence about them began to become almost oppressive, suffocating as her magic died down, and Beast Boy flexed his hands, a small sigh of relief evidence of the pain he had subjected himself to. The only sound between them, before quiet fell again. Heavy, stifling quiet that she knew shouldn't last, that she should break, as there were things that needed to be said after what had happened. Yet the words would not come forward, instead becoming caught in her throat and choking her further. She couldn't breath as the still bared down on her, dark about them closing in, and weight of the past slowly battering down her consciousness.
"Her name was Liliana." His voice was empty, devoid of his trademark humor and upbeat tone.
Raven started at the words, pulled from the maelstrom of nothingness by the green changeling abruptly. Her eyes met his again just as he continued. "She was twelve."
The words brought back images from what had happened unbidden, and unwanted. Still, she was helpless as she was forced to watch the battle progress once again, her team and herself looking at it as just another easy battle against a D-list villain. Civilians were gathered at what they thought was a safe distance away, the spectacle having become so commonplace that they hardly had any fear at all.
Until Robin landed a kick on the side of their opponents head, and a small armed explosive, hardly the size of a hand grenade, slipped from their opponents hand as the impact sent him reeling. The Titans never even noticed the device, focused and confident as they were in the fight. Just as it slid to a stop in front of a little girl who had ventured closer to her beloved heroes than the rest of the crowd, unaware of the gravity of her situation.
The team continued the battle, unaware of what had happened, until it was far too late. An explosion brought their attention, and that of the villain and surrounding crowd, to a newly formed crater in the street, pieces of debris and shrapnel rocketing outwards, only to be stopped by a dome-shaped shield erected hield by Raven. After she was sure the immediate danger had passed, the dark girl lowered her outstretched hand, allowing the dome to fade from existence just in time to see the last bits of rock and metal fall to the ground.
Raven surveyed the damage dispassionately. Explosions were nothing new, and she had contained the risk, so there should be-
Until her breath caught, vision tunneled, and eyes widened to stare at what lay next to where the device had detonated. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything at all but look, as if doing so would somehow change what lay before her. After a time she couldn't fathom the length of passed, she realized tears were dripping down her face, though she couldn't remember when they had started. She was shaking as she tried to rip her gaze away, the task almost as physically painful as was continuing to look. The world around her was too loud, to the point of deafening silence, and she stopped. Until finally, mercifully, the memories stopped as well.
"I let her die," she murmured, quiet.
Her teammate hardly acknowledged the words, other than to still completely with eyes still fixated on her own, which closed as she stopped to inhale shakily. She knew the changeling understood what she was referring to, and the thought brought him as much pain as it did herself. His pure emerald eyes, usually so bright and friendly, now seemed glazed over and unfocused, only cognizant enough to discern the person in front of him, and nothing else. She was the same.
"Why couldn't I feel your emotions?" Raven asked. She knew she should address what had happened, try to "work through it and move on", as some would say, but she couldn't find the motivation, or the care, to do so. However, anything was better than allowing that choking silence to return, and this was as good a conversation as any.
Beast Boy seemed to agree, humoring what they both knew was a hopeless attempt to avoid the inevitable. "Mento. He taught me how to suppress my thoughts and emotions from mind readers and empaths." Raven nodded. She had known about his old foster family/team for a couple years now, but this was the first time he had revealed that even since they had met he had the ability to block her abilities.
"Have you done that to me before?" Her tone was still empty, but a slight hint of curiosity had crept in as well, the first sign of emotion either had shown thus far, however small.
A mirthless smile curled his lips. "Every day."
The empath paused, unsure how to respond. In most cases, she would have immediately been concerned, and questioned what he meant, what he was hiding, and so on. But now, she simply couldn't find the care. So, she settled for a mere, "Oh?"
He smirked, and took a deep breath. Almost instantly afterwards, a wave of loneliness, melancholy, and pain hit her so intensely that she braced herself against it physically. The numb disconnect from the world about her was almost welcome this time, as it allowed her somewhat of a respite from the emotions. Several still seconds passed between them as she pushed the newly revealed feelings down, before turning back to her companion.
"You've felt like that this whole time?" The question seemed closer to an accusation as it left her tongue, but she knew he wouldn't be offended by her bluntness. Not now.
"Less so at times," he shrugged noncommittally, before looking back into her eyes, pure green catching her own and holding them captive inside his gaze. "Like when I'm with you."
Her breath caught, and she couldn't move. The room about them began to close in, suffocating her all over again, but this time for a completely different reason as Beast Boy seemed to grow closer before her eyes.
Until she realized that he actually was nearing her, now a mere foot away from where she stood.
The half demon wet her lips. "Why…," she faltered. "Why didn't you say anything?" Finally, finally this time her voice cracked on the question, a tell of the emotions clamoring to be heard that were beginning to overcome her defenses. Hurt that he had hidden so much from her, pain that he had suffered alone, and a want to help.
But along with them came others, related to what had happened, bubbling up like unwanted waste, a tumor she couldn't rid herself of, a curse. She knew that if she allowed them forth, she couldn't handle them, and that any alternative was preferable to that. One look back into Beast Boy's eyes confirmed that he felt the same due to the fault in her voice, if the panic and helplessness growing there were of any indication.
And so, Raven did the only thing she could think of to subvert them. To forget, to delay, to distract. To seek comfort. She surged forward, anchoring herself onto the changeling's body, molding every curve of her own to fit into his, and burying her face in his neck in order to avoid seeing the reaction in his features, biting down, hard.
It seemed she needn't have worried about that his response, however, as he had moved just as she had, arms wrapping about her form to press her even more firmly against his and craning his head to the side to supply her more room.
The feel of his arms around her was uncomfortably familiar, as she had found solace in them countless times before, all the way back since Malchior years ago. But it had never been remotely like this.
No words were spoken, the only sounds between them labored breathing and gasps as he lowered his head to do the same to her, hands running up and down and around anything either could reach, until hers reached the hem of his pants and pulled, hard.
Instantly, Raven found herself pinned between his body and the door she had entered through, his single fang still trailing pleasurable pains about her jaw, neck, and further below. She let out a low moan at the sensation, and pressing back against him with her hips to draw a strangled gasp from his throat against her skin. Their actions were almost animalistic, uncontrolled and mindless. Hurried, almost panicked as he responded in kind, grinding against her savagely in a way that left nothing of what was to come up to her imagination.
Raven gasped, hands clawing at him wherever they could find purchase just as his pressed into her. Finally, she found his waistline once again. Beast Boy released her with a growl, helping to shove his pants and boxer shorts down, and before either could delay any further, or second guess what they were doing, the bottom of her leotard was ripped to the side, her legs were hoisted up to wrap around his waist, and he was buried inside of her body in a single movement, head bowing to down rest on her shoulder as her own fell back under an alien wave of pain and pleasure.
A lull followed. Not one of realization or consideration, but merely a still as they each checked if the numb had faded at all, if what they had done had brought any comfort at all. As the silence continued, Raven realized she couldn't even tell if it had herself. And so, not sure what else to do, she lowered her head back, grabbed Beast Boy's hair, and forced his mouth onto hers.
It was their first kiss. It shouldn't have happened in his dark, ruined room, it shouldn't have happened as a mere distraction from their pain, and it definitely shouldn't have happened while he was inside her against the wall. Under most circumstances, Raven would have realized these things, and many more, but as it was she thought nothing of them, instead biting down on his bottom lip and pulling, swallowing his groan before letting out one of her own as he pushed into her further.
After that, they began to move in earnest, quickly degrading into fast, rough, ruts driven almost purely by instinct and a feral need to feel something. Her heels crossed against his back, helping to push him back into her harder with each thrust, and their mouths only parted to let shared moans, growls, and cries slip from one to the other before reconnecting in a dance of clashing teeth and caresing tongues. His hands were holding her up and crushing her body to him tightly to feel every dip and curve she had to offer, her own having anchored on his shoulders. It likely hurt as the nails dug in through his shirt, but judging from his animalistic groan preceding an increase in strength from his thrusts he didn't mind. She grinded back against him as well as she could, everything about the interaction hurried, careless, and carnal.
Raven's back arched as he seemed to reach even deeper inside her body, pressing even further into him if that were possible, stretching her in ways she had never known possible, and bringing her to a peak never reached before, lips finally detaching from the green teen's to stretch her head upwards, mouth hanging open in a drawn out silent cry to the heavens. He joined her as shivers ran through her body uncontrollably, rolling her hips even harder against him to bring him to the same height. He pushed forwards to crush her body between his embrace and the door, pressure increasing as his body shuddered against her own, face falling to rest on her with a sigh, a slow and drawn-out release of breath as he finished seconds after her.
Another quiet fell as soon as he stilled, and slowly lowered her feet to the floor of his room. Gentle this time, so unlike he had been moments earlier. Raven was breathing heavily, trying to calm her racing heart and body. His gaze on her could almost be felt physically piercing into her very body. Steadying herself on shaky legs, she tried, and failed, to meet the changeling's eyes.
The empath shuddered. She didn't know what to think of what had just happened, and didn't want to either. All she could process is that it had diverted her from her thoughts, and she didn't want that to end. Couldn't let that end.
She stilled when his hand brushed against her cheek, before lightly grasping her chin and forcing her to look at him, seeing the same thing in his own eyes.
And so, with a wave of her hand she enveloped them both in darkness, surroundings disappearing and reforming as her own room, next to her bed. Neither spoke a word as they righted each others clothing, Beast Boy pulling up his pants and Raven fixing the bottom of her leotard before shedding her cloak. And then, they silently slipped under the covers of her hooded frame bed, nestling together to try to bring back that fleeting comfort that had been found in each other's arms earlier.
And, while it was a long while before she finally faded into the welcome embrace of sleep that she didn't know how long would last, Raven did think that the soft warmth of the changeling against and around her did bring a semblance of peace, or at the very least solace, from the demons plaguing her consciousness.
And for now, that was as good as it would get.
So, yea. That happened. Again, sorry if you aren't a fan of BBRae doing something so... whatever, but I think it's very reasonable that they would react that way to that situation. Just do anything and everything to distract themselves from the pain and try to find comfort in anything at all, each other included. They already have in the past too, like with Melchior, just not to this extreme. If you disagree or thought I went a bit overboard with the angstyness, I'm always happy to receive legit criticism, and if you don't then a compliment or two (or ten) wouldn't be the worst thing ever either
Also, this will 100% get a second chapter about the day after where things will be addressed and spoke about in a much... healthier way. There is no chance I'd leave y'all (and BBRae) like this for good lol
-Eldritch Sardine