Innocent

I wasn't always this way. I still remember being the outsider, the girl that everyone loved to talk about. Nobody likes people that are different. As much as I pride myself for not being like them, sometimes, I wish I truly were. Not because I hate who I am, I just wish people would stop judging me for not conforming to their own narrow-minded views. Everyone is so busy trying to "figure me out." It's obnoxious. I don't really know how to tell people that my personality is not a math equation. You don't add up all my past experiences in order to figure out why I am the way that I am. I simply just am. Truthfully, I am not all that different from everyone else. I've simply just learned to accept things the way they are. Sometimes, questioning everything can drive a person insane.

I'm over thinking everything way too much. I only do this when I'm feeling weak or vulnerable. I just want to help her. But I feel like my carefree attitude is only making her crazier. I can't get her words out of my head. "Stop trying to help me. Don't you get it? People don't see the world the way you do. Things will never just be OK." People don't see the world the way I do. I wonder if she really meant people or just herself. I don't know what to do. I've never felt so hopeless before in my life.

These past few months, I learned so much about myself. I never thought one person could hold such an influence over another, but it happened. I fell in love for the first time in my life. It's not as poetic as it is in the movies though. It wasn't love at first site and I only realized I was in love until she was gone, as cliché as it may sound.

Sometimes, I feel a bit obsessive. I have to actively stop my brain from thinking about her. Is that really what love is all about? Obsession. When I take a step back and breathe, I see much more clearly. Love is not a drug and I'm not addicted. In the end, I love her because I want her to be happy. It's truly the one thing that would have made me happy, to see a smile on her face. It's why I think about her so much. She's so lonely and fragile. I can't stop thinking of a new way to try and help her. I just want to save her, but her life is so screwed up I don't know if happiness is even a viable option. Sometimes I wonder if she was put in my path for a reason. Was she a test? Was she there to remind me how wonderful my life is?

Everyone keeps telling me I'm better off. "She's too fragile. Her problems are only going to get in the way of your life." For some reason though, I just don't feel the same way. Fragile or not, my life became instantly better the moment that girl walked right into it.

Confused

I love her. I've realized that much despite my desperation to prove otherwise. I'm scared all the time and I'm not entirely sure what exactly it is that I'm afraid of. She loves me back. She has to. We've been together for what seems like forever at this point. She's put up with all of my bullshit and has never once asked anything from me. Well at least not until she showed up. But, before all that, she had been so perfect and patient. I fell in love with her even more because of it. Why am I still so scared then? I don't think I even know what it feels like to not be so damn afraid all the time.

I don't want to lose her. I can't. Without her, I don't know what I'd do. Probably kill myself. Or not. Ironically, I'm too much of a coward to actually go through the act of "offing" myself. I'm too much of a coward to do anything, really.

But what can I do? If I admit to her what I've been hiding all this time, what I've been so afraid to admit, would it finally all be ok? Would she finally take me back?

Why am I so selfish? How can I ask her, so wonderful and special, to take me back? I've done nothing but drag her down the entire time we were together, always asking her to keep us a secret and making her think that a secret was all we could be. She always wanted more and she had every right to want more. I just can't believe I made her feel guilty for wanting what she wanted. Like what we were doing was a sin. Love is not a sin. It's beautiful, just like she is.

Why can't I just go ahead and say it. I've said it in my head so many times. The truth is that I want what you want. I've always wanted it. I want us to grow old together. I want to wake up every morning with you right next to me. I'll take the boys to Karate class and you take the girls to Cheer practice. I want to fight with you because I want the kids to go to Private school, even though you hate the idea of it. You don't want our kids to be as stuck up as I am. I want to buy you roses every year on our anniversary, even though you say you hate romance. I want it all with you. The fights, the laughs, the tears, the make up sex. Truth is, as long as I have you, everything else will fall right into place.

I don't want to lose you. I can't.

Ordinary

What I wouldn't give to have a day free of complications. As if school wasn't bad enough, I have to somehow make sense of all the bullshit that's been happening.

I love her, but I don't know if she loves me. When I'm with her, it feels so right, but she's hiding. She's always hiding and I'm sick of her hiding. It just makes everything harder and confusing. I just wish I had even the tiniest glimpse into her thoughts. It would put me somewhat at ease. If she didn't care about me, we wouldn't have kept up this sham for so long. Yet, after all this time, she still can't seem to refer to me as anything other than a friend. As if friends do what we do.

Why can't she just spare me and tell me how she truly feels? The more I think about this situation, the more insane I feel. I'm sick of feeling crazy and overanalyzing every part of our relationship. Was that a friendly hug, or were there other implications? And my necklace with a heart? Was it really just a birthday gift, or is this her way of telling me she loves me.

I just want an ordinary relationship. I just want to be able to hold someone's hand at the movies. I want to buy cheesy cards on Valentines Day, and to cook someone one of the 4 meals I even know how to make. Why can't I have an ordinary life with an ordinary relationship? Why do I need all of these complications? What's the point?

I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again, yet somehow I don't seem to get anywhere. I just need to go for a walk and clear my head. Maybe I can call… No. I can't. Every time I call her, I feel like I'm cheating. Can it be cheating when I'm not actually in a relationship? I don't understand why I feel so guilty when I'm with her, it's not like my sexual rendezvous is going to turn into anything more than just sex. I'm single. I can call and hang out with whomever I want. I shouldn't feel guilty about anything. Besides, hanging out with her always makes everything better. She's so good at taking my mind off of all the drama and I actually feel normal when I'm around her. "But normal is so boring. Why would you want to be normal? You're so much cooler than that." I grin every time I think about her calling me boring. She's honestly the first real friend I've ever had. Sure, I've had plenty of "friends" before, but none of them seem to get me the way she does. She's always so sweet and seems to know exactly what to say in order to make me feel better. She never misses a beat honestly. She say's that I'll be ok, but I'm not so sure I ever will be. My "relationship" has never been easy; in fact, the complications seem to just grow exponentially.

"You'll be ok. I promise." God, I hope she's right.