A/N: This is my comic relief while I work on my original story for fictionpress. It'll be updated sporadically and possible turn your brain to mush! Can I get three cheers for mindless crack about Mary-Sue's, Trolls, Flames, Light, L and seduction of panda bears? No? How about one cheer? No? Damn.

DON'T TAKE OFFENCE TO ANYTHING I SAY, OKAY!

Seriously, don't go further if you have a stick up your ass.

You've been warned.

Chapter One...

Every once in awhile inspiration hits you like a slap in the face. More often young writers find themselves slamming their inexperienced heads against their keyboards in lack of ideas. Bessie, a troll of only eleven years old who really shouldn't even be writing fan fiction yet, was doing just that as she sat at her old fashioned computer monitor in her unicorn themed room decorated with things of the bright pink and totally obnoxious variety. Much to her chagrin, slamming her head against the lettered keys did nothing but give her a large purple bruise on her abnormally large forehead.

It was way past her bed time of nine o' clock but she found herself having trouble sleeping. The young writer had finished her first story earlier that day and received over one hundred reviews! Sure, most of them were flames that depicted violent ways that the reader planned on murdering her with their bare hands or slitting her throat with a dagger but that wasn't the point. One hundred reviews was a lot! Bessie now felt like she had an unreachable standard that she had to live up to with her unique and totally unrealistic writing. No one really wanted her to live up to these standards since her writing made peoples eyes practically burn at its terribleness but that went unnoticed by the troll of a girl.

She needed to write something really awesome! She was going to prove all those stupid flamers wrong! How dare they call her wonderful original character a Mary-Sue! Ebony Sapphire Emeralds Potter Cullen a Sue? She had so much character depth! Ebony was the new exchange student at Hogwarts where Draco, Snape and all the other not as important male characters fell for her. She ultimately chooses Draco because he's every girls dream with his constant tears and petty insults! Then they go on an adventure and discover Ebony's super dark past and it turns out that she's Edward Cullen and Voldemort's child even though that's physically impossible and they don't belong in the same fantasy realm. She's also Harry's sister, Hermione's long lost twin, and is somehow distantly related to every other character in the whole entire series. In the dramatic closing chapter Voldemort tries to kill Draco for taking away his baby girl that he never really cared about until now but then Ebony jumps in front of the killing curse to save her beloved. So noble! So beautiful! So intelligent! What a great story!

But Harry Potter got boring. After awhile a world of magic with an endless supply of attractive guys loses its appeal. Bessie already incorporated Twilight into her Harry Potter fan fiction so that was out. She had no interest in Naruto because she quit watching it after the first episode. All other fandoms were totally stupid! Well, all except one...

Bessie scoffed at her foolishness. Yeah, like she would be able to pull off a good Death Note fan fiction! She was the best writer to ever walk the earth, not a miracle worker! She gained her unhealthy obsession with the famous anime over a year ago from watching it on her computer what her parents weren't home. It wasn't really an appropriate show for a girl her age with the controversial areas it touches on but it's not like that's ever stopped her before! She was very mature! Her pet unicorn who totally wasn't imaginary told her every night when it came and pooped rainbows in her cats litter box.

Bessie was totally in love with L Lawliet and read every fan fiction she could find about him. Well, every fan fiction that didn't involve slash. Slash was totally disgusting! Two boys together? Yucky! But she totally wasn't homophobic and that had nothing to do with the fact that she didn't know what that word meant.

The best writer of all time also had a secret obsession with Light. He was such a bad boy! Any man who can ruthlessly kill criminals and still look gorgeous doing it was okay in her book! It wasn't like she would tell anyone about it thought. One reason was no one she knew watched Death Note but the other reason was she was suppose to hate him. It was, like, a rule.

Bessie sighed as she pressed the glowing orange button thus turning off her computer monitor. If only she had the ability to write an L fiction or better yet she could write some sort of love triangle with her original character being romantically interested in both the bad guy and the good one. Such drama! Such romance! Such angst!

With a frown on her face Bessie switched off the lights, crawled into her bed and under the pink comforter and went to sleep.

In a dream...~

Bessie was alone in an empty room. She was sitting on a beige colored couch and blank white walls surrounded her like a cage. She felt claustrophobia begin to set in and was attacked with an onslaught of heavy breathing and sweating. Her mental breakdown was interrupted when the presence of a stunningly beautiful girl.

Long scarlet colored hair with rainbow highlights fell down her back in perfectly straight curls like a river of blood. Her bright eyes were a strange mixture of blue, purple, red, green, yellow and every other color known to man and several known only to monkeys. Her skin was pale like freshly fallen snow with not a single blemish or fault in sight. Adorning her incredibly curvy body that still remained as thin as a twig was a black tank top that revealed her pierced belly button and her butt was covered by acid wash booty shorts that were more like underwear than anything else. Her feet were bare revealing metallic painted toenails that looked freshly manicured, same as her nails that were filed to the perfect length.

"Hello," Her voice was calm and serene. If Bessie would write a fan fiction about this girl she would compare it to a whispering breeze or a flowing stream. Don't ask her how a voice could sound like either of those things because she wasn't sure. It just did. "My name is Cassandra Isabella Topaz Serenity Peace Hope Joyful Wind... but you can call me Cassie!"

Bessie snorted. "What a stupid name!"

Cassie's cool, peaceful demeanor was gone almost as quickly as it came. "Says the girl with a name that belongs to a fucking cow, MOO!"

Bessie's eyes began to water. "Y-You're so mean!"

"Grow a pair you little troll!" Cassie sneered. "I knew it was a bad idea to let him send me here..."

"Him? Who's him?" Bessie asked as she wiped the tears from her boring brown eyes. She felt a pang of envy at the girls beautiful multicolored eyes. It wasn't fair!

"My leader. You see, I am a Mary-Sue. Well, I'm a Mary-Sue in training. My boss leader guy sent me here because apparently I still have too much individuality to become an official Sue. When he get's uncooperative people like me he sends them to the best of the Mary-Sue authors in hopes that they'll mold us into acceptable Sues. It's very complex, I don't expect your tiny troll mind to understand."

"I am not a troll! I don't write Mary-Sue stories! My stories are great!" Bessie said furiously.

"Yeah, okay. Can someone spell denial? Oh, wait, your only eleven. Can you even spell denial? Your going to send your spell checker spiraling into depression because it's so constantly abused. Sound it out with me, honey. D-e-n-i-"

"Just shut up you slutty bitch!" Bessie screeched. Cassie blinked at the troll in surprise. Such language for such a young girl... what was the world coming to?

"... Do you even know what a slut is?" Silence. "Thought so." Cassie smirked.

"It doesn't matter! I know you are one!"

"This... This is true. It's not my fault though! You imagined me this way. Before I came here I was a frumpy blonde with hazel eyes and the body of a ten year old. You created me."

Bessie's nose wrinkled in disgust. "I would never imagine up an original character as ugly as you."

"Who are you calling ugly? Greasy brown hair, gigantic nose, squinty poop colored eyes..." Cassie smiled falsely. "You're gorgeous, honey. Don't ever change."

"Took you long enough to notice." Bessie sniffed prissily, twirling a knotty strand of hair with her sausage link fingers.

"Yeah, you're a real runway model, whatever. Let's cut to the chase! What fandom am I going to?" Cassie asked excitedly, jumping up and down like a teenager girl causing her abnormally large boobs to flail around.

"Can you please put your... humps away?" Bessie awkwardly asked.

"Hey, you imagined me without a bra on. Not my fault the girls weren't given any kind of containment." Cassie grabbed her boobs and smiled fondly down at them. "But that's not the point! Tell me that fandom I'm going to before I eat your face."

"No! Not my face!" Bessie shielded her pimply face and Cassie giggled. "You're going to the Death Note world. That okay with you?"

"Hmm... I guess that won't be so bad. Mello's sexy even if he looks kind of like a girl. Matt's a video game addict but he's probably easy enough to get along with. Even Near is totally adorable but if your paring me off with him you'll probably have to make me a little less bangable. I don't want to scare the poor kid." Cassie continued to ramble on about Death Note characters, every character except the one that she was going to be paired off with.

"An L fan fiction." Cassie's face dropped.

"L? Why L?" Cassie whined.

"How could you not love L? Isn't that, like, illegal?"

"Ugh, anyone but him!" Cassie begged. "He creeps me out, dude! I don't want to be forced into a relationship with a guy who has a freaky foot fetish and looks like a panda! How do you expect me to have sex with a panda? It would be like raping a zoo animal!"

"Rape? Oh! That's a dramatic plot line..."

"NO. Just don't, okay?" Cassie shuddered in fear. Her whole entire fictional life was being put in the hands of an obnoxious and pimply bitch of an eleven year old.

"Fine, don't get your panties in a twist."

Cassie winked, "I'm not wearing panties."

"EW!" Bessie shrieked, flailing her arms wildly.

"So, let's talk about this fan fiction. What's it about?" Cassie asked in interest. This Bessie chick was a very promising troll. There was nothing she couldn't come up with.

"Hmm... I don't know, something original."

"Do you even possess an original bone in your body?"

"Shut up, whore! I'll let you know that my completely original fan fiction received over one hundred reviews!"

"I read it sweetie, not that great."
"Did you review?"

"Yeah, remember that really nasty one that said about jabbing out your eyes with scissors, ripping out all your hair, and slitting your throat at an agonizingly slow pace with a butter knife?" Cassie paused to smile proudly, "That was me."

Bessie frowned, "That gave me nightmares for weeks."

Insert totally mischievous Mary-Sue worthy giggle, "Oops."

"That's it! I'm so gonna have Kira kill you in my story!"

Cassie pretended to shudder, "Oh! I'm so scared! Who could ever possibly save me? Honey bear, I'm a Mary-Sue. I always come back. Maybe it will be as a Mary-Sue in a different fandom or a different story. The readers of fan fiction will never get rid of me. I'm like one of those monsters from a horror movie. I. Can't. Die." As these words left Cassie's mouth, Bessie shivered. She would make a very convincing serial killer. Maybe after her L fan fiction was over she could right another story about Cassie and Beyond Birthday, whoever he is.

"It'll be about you, a normal but incredibly intelligent and gorgeous yet misunderstood girl, getting sucked into the Death Note universe."

"Yeah, that's not over done at all."

Bessie ignored the bitchy Mary-Sue's comment and plowed on,"You'll be the center of a love triangle. Light will want to you to be the goddess of his new world, not that slutty Misa, and L will love you even more than sugar."

Cassie snorted very unattractively causing Bessie to wrinkle her nose in disgust, "Wow, you're just full of unique ideas, aren't you sweetie? There are so many plot holes and you haven't even started the fucking fan fiction yet! Light doesn't do love. He cares about nothing but himself and his new world. He doesn't even want a goddess. He just said that to Misa and Takada so they would do anything he asked them to do. Misa isn't a whore! I'm sick and tired of people saying that! She loved Light, that's all. Whores throw themselves at everyone that has a penis! Just because she dresses in her special Gothic way doesn't automatically make her a bad person! Lastly, L loves sugar! He probably masturbates to that shit! He loves absolutely nothing more then sugar! Mother fucker! This is why I hate you little trolls!"

Cassie was panting from her long rant as her chest rose and fell rapidly. Her fists were clenched at her sides, finger nails digging into the soft skin of her palms. Bessie was, once again, legitly frightened by her so called creation. It was almost like Frankenstein except she was hot. Weird.

"...Don't kill me."

Cassie laughed, "No promises, kitten."

"What's with you and the pet names?"

"Dunno. It's a gift." Cassie shrugged, her eyes twinkling happily.

"More like a curse..."

"Watch it, brace face! Would you prefer mean nicknames? I have a shit load of those as well!" Cassie boasted proudly.

Bessie pursed her chapped lips, "Nah, I think I'm good."

"Thought so. Now, let's get this story over with! You're wasting my valuable time!" Cassie shouted.

Out of the dream...~

Just as soon as Cassie appeared, she was gone. The dream faded away from Bessie and she was awoken from her sleep. Sticky beads of sweat clung to her forehead and she was gasping for air. Not caring about her current health or that she would be going to school in – she glanced at the clock – five hours, she scampered over to her desk. Her finger jabbed the glowing power button thus bringing her technological dinosaur to life. She cracked her knuckles, a grin taking up half of her face. She had a lot of writing to do.