Always Alone

Jiraiya waited for Kakashi at Ichiraku's after Sakumo's funeral. He didn't usually go in for trendy places, but he'd heard this one had good ramen, and he felt like being distracted. He mentally rehearsed what he was going to say to Kakashi in his mind. That kid's so freaking touchy, he thought.

Kakashi sat down across from him, and Jiraiya could sense his aggravation. Somehow Kakashi managed to make his emotions understood through the mask. Well, at least he has some emotions, Jiraiya thought. He'd been wondering since the funeral. Kakashi had stood and watched his father's burial in the civilian cemetery with no look of grief, simply a blank face.

"I went ahead and ordered," Jiraiya said. "You still like the BBQ pork ramen, right?" He was hoping to remind Kakashi that there was a time he'd been happy. He used to go with Kakashi and Sakumo for ramen before the old place burned down, and he remembered the brat eating two large bowls of ramen, getting sleepy on the way home, and Sakumo carrying him while he chatted with Jiraiya.

Now he looked at the "kid", really a young adult. He was the youngest Jounin ever. They'd actually had to make special uniforms for him, and child sized weapons. Jiraiya wondered if it had been wise to promote him so early. He was so talented though, and Konoha was at war. Sacrifices had to be made. Jiraiya just hoped they hadn't lost Kakashi completely.

"What's this about?" Kakashi asked, ignoring Jiraiya's question. Even though his face showed his displeasure he maintained a respectful tone. He always follows the rules, Jiraiya thought. Especially when he shouldn't.

"We need to talk," Jiraiya said. "I'm worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me," Kakashi said. "I'm fine. It's better he's dead, all things considered."

"You fucking ungrateful brat!" Jiraiya thought. He maintained a calm demeanor though. He's just a kid, he thought. Be patient. Don't strangle him.

"I'm your guardian. It's my duty to worry about you. I don't think you really feel that way about him. You loved your father."

Kakashi looked away. Jiraiya followed his gaze and saw him watching a father and son at the ice cream stand across the street. The father handed the boy a cone, and the boy grabbed his father's hand and licked happily at the dripping treat.

"He was a failure, that's all. He was weak."

"He was still your father, and he loved you."

"It didn't do either of us any good, did it? He's dead now and I'm disgraced."

Warning alarms went off in Jiraiya's head. "You're not thinking about following in his footsteps, are you?" His heart beat heavily. He was mad at the brat right now, but he loved him. Kakashi and Sakumo were all the family he had, and now there was just Kakashi.

"No. I'm not weak," Kakashi said. "I'm going to prove it. The name Hatake will be remembered through the elemental nations with fear and respect. Then my father's sin won't be remembered. All he did was redeem himself. I'll redeem the whole Hatake clan."

Suddenly Jiraiya couldn't see just the sullen teen across the table. He was strongly reminded of the time he'd found Kakashi crying in his room because Pakun was sick. He'd just been six, and the look on the boys face had stuck with Jiraiya since then. He knew that whatever Kakashi was saying, he must feel just as lost and soul-sick now.

"You poor kid," he said. As soon as the words came out of his mouth he wished he could retract them. It was probably the exactly wrong way to deal with the stubbornly independent boy.

The look on Kakashi's face changed. He looked surprised for just a second, and then an emotionless mask covered his eyes, the protection of all ninjas.

"Noni?" He asked.

I already started this. I might as well keep going. "I didn't mean to say that out loud. Let's forget about your father for a moment and talk about you."

"I told you, I'm fine. There's nothing we need to talk about." Irritation was finally seeping into Kakashi's voice.

"Ok, so you're fine. Then tell me why your fist is clenched so hard your knuckles are white."

Kakashi unclenched his hand and put it under the table.

"I'm stressed. That's natural right now. It doesn't mean anything."

Jiraiya saw he wasn't getting though to him. Perhaps another time he'd want to open up. "I care about you. When you're ready I'm here to listen, ok?"

Kakashi nodded. "I understand. I really can't stay though. I have a mission to prepare for." He left before their food was even served. Jiraiya toyed with his lunch, but took most of it home with him, along with the uneaten lunch he'd ordered for Kakashi.

He lay on the couch remembering Sakumo and worrying about Kakashi. His grief was mixed with guilt. He'd stayed away from the village too long. Maybe if he'd been in Konoha instead of away on missions he'd have noticed his nephew's depression. He knew the village held his father's failed mission against him, but eventually his prowess as a ninja would have won his position back, if not the respect of his peers. But war was war, and Sakumo was one of the sacrifices required. Jiraiya's heart rebelled at the thought, but his mind knew it to be a sad truth for a ninja.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. It's 2:00 in the morning. Who's even up now? He wondered. Kakashi stood in the rain, drenched, with misery etched on his still child-like face.

"Can I stay here tonight?" he asked. "I can't get it out."

Jiraiya didn't like the look in his eyes. Kakashi looked slightly hysterical; his eyes glazed slightly, his slight form swaying in the storm.

"Sure kid. Come on in."

Kakashi took off his shoes and hung his jacket on a hook. Even now he observes the proprieties, Jiraiya thought.

He sloshed his way to the kitchen and sat at the table. Jiraiya pulled a chair around so that he could sit near Kakashi.

Kakashi kept his eyes on the table. "What couldn't you get out?" Jiraiya asked. Whatever it was had obviously distressed the boy.

"I can't get the blood out of the floor. It's soaked into the wood."

Jiraiya fought the urge to hold the hurting child. Kakashi didn't like being touched. He decided to be logical. Kakashi had always responded to logic.

"It's probably not going to come out," he said. "It's ok. You can throw a rug over the spot."

"But I'll know it's there," Kakashi said.

"Some things don't go away, or get better. All you can do is try to work around them."

Kakashi didn't answer. Jiraiya made some tea. When he brought the cup to the table, he saw Kakashi dozing in his chair.

"C'mon. You need to get some sleep. You know where stuff is around here. Let's get you out of those wet clothes before you get sick."

Kakashi went to bed without arguing, but he didn't sleep again. Jiraiya knew because he could hear muffled sobs from the guest room.

The next day Kakashi said his house smelled, so he'd put out some strong smelling incense and stay with Jiraiya for a few days until the smell went away. After that he said he'd left his homework at Jiraiya's and he might as well just sleep there. Excuses continued for a couple of weeks, until finally he quit trying to explain why he wanted to stay at his uncle's house and just stayed.

Jiraiya couldn't spend much time with him, but Kakashi took care of himself. Jiraiya was angry at the village for their treatment of Kakashi though. People who had been Sakumo's friends didn't exactly shun Kakashi, but they didn't volunteer to help him either. He hated leaving the kid on his own. He would be ok physically, but he wasn't so sure he'd be ok mentally.

He watched as Kakashi grew quieter and more determined to be a strong ninja. He listened with a sinking feeling whenever Kakashi started talking about the importance of following the rules. He didn't hear a dutiful ninja so much as a brittle heart and mind in danger of breaking.

Kakashi closed himself off from Jiraiya. He wasn't rude; he just deflected Jiraiya's questions politely.

The next time they really talked was after Obito died. He returned from the front temporarily to organize strategy, and found a summons from the Fourth. After being briefed on Kakashi's condition he went to the hospital. Kakashi was sitting in the waiting room until someone could check his new eye.

Alone again, Jiraiya thought. Always alone. He sat by Kakashi. "Hey, heard you've had a rough time."

"Obito's dead. He gave me his eye," Kakashi said, pointing at the bandages covering his eye.

"Are you ok?" Jiraiya asked.

"He said my father was a hero. No one's ever said that to me."

"He was right, in a way. I can't accept how Sakumo died, but I understand why he wouldn't let a comrade die. Your father was the most loyal man I ever met."

"I want to be like my father," Kakashi said quietly. "The things that tie us together are more important than rules. Obito taught me that."

Years later, Jiraiya was late to meet Kakashi at that same ramen restaurant. He stopped across the street where the ice cream vendor had been so long ago. He watched Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto joke and tease each other. Kakashi looked happy, finally.

I'm glad the kid finally got some peace, he thought. Better late than never, I guess.

He joined the group, enjoying the new family his nephew had found. Maybe the brat would be ok after all.