These are pretty rambling but having read my diary entries from the university years recently I know how stupid I sounded at times. These, I hope, reflect those times when we have no idea what we are writing, but we just need to write something so we don't ever forget what we were thinking and feeling at the time. I couldn't make up my mind whether to publish them or not but I thought oh well what's the worst that can happen.
Thoughts from Ianto's diary
So happy, so sad, so confused, so WOW!!
Four diary entries of Ianto Jones, Torchwood
So happy
He's alive. I thought this time he might have died but he's alive and I can hardly believe that I'm writing this, but he kissed me in front of everyone and held me close. I didn't care who saw; they all know anyway, so what does it matter. Of course it matters. But does this mean we don't have to hide any more? The feelings going through me are so hard to explain even here. I don't think I could explain it to anyone else. I didn't want him to ever let me go again, but he's Captain Jack Harkness and he has to be the leader. He had to forgive us all, and mostly Owen, for what we did. I did feel a pang of jealousy as he kissed Owen but I know there's nothing between them.
Jack's alive and he kissed me, me, Ianto Jones. I just have to keep saying that to myself and writing it, so I really believe it happened. I'm so excited and totally ecstatic. I can hardly think but I need to write this down before I forget how I feel. I'm probably making no sense at all. I could take on the world. I could sing and dance across the Hub. He does love me and he does need me.
I have been so angry with Gwen, as she sat next to him all the time; I was shut out and unimportant, when I was the one he was with not her. All I could do was bury my senses in his coat and taste the pheromones left on it. I'll have to put it back now as I've been sleeping with it. Better not let him know that, as he'll probably laugh.
Must get back to him; I don't want to ever be parted from him again. It all begins here and now for us. I feel like a teenager as I write the next words.
IANTO JONES LOVES JACK HARKNESS TRUE!!!!
So sad
I can't believe I wrote that just thirty minutes ago. He's gone. I got him some coffee and took it to his office where he said he'd be and he wasn't there. We searched everywhere for him and then Gwen noticed that the hand was gone; that strange hand that he kept in the jar. Tosh turned on the CCTV camera and then we saw him running across the Plass, coat billowing behind him as he ran for his life towards what looked like a blue police box. As it disappeared he threw himself at it and disappeared himself. I thought he loved me. I thought this was real. I thought this was the start of something and now it seems that it was just the interval, and we were all just here to keep Jack amused, before the true love of his life reappeared. How I hate that man, the Doctor, his Doctor, the man he really loves. I should have realised that we were all just to fill in the gap until he came back. He's waited over a hundred years for this moment.
Thirty minutes ago I thought my life was just about to begin and now, now I feel like it's over. What do I do without him? What do we do without him? How could he just go without saying anything? Gwen is crying. Tosh is silent and Owen is swearing. Me, I don't know what to do. My life was about to change but now I have no idea what to do except sit here, cry and wonder whether he'll ever come back to me or to us.
So confused
Jack's back and I've no idea how to feel about it. I'm so angry with him but I've missed him so much. What do I say to him? Haven't had any chance to talk yet. He just appeared while we were after a blowfish. All he said was, 'hi kids did you miss me,' and we're supposed to go back to normal. He said he came back for me before he mentioned the others. Did he mean it?
Before we could speak alone about what he said this so called Captain John Hart appears and says something about Time Agents. In the bar it was obvious that there had been something between them. I know nothing of his past. I've always been too afraid to pry, to afraid that he'll tell me everything which I'm not ready for, or nothing and send me away. Now it seems that we have to help him. Jack wants us to help him. Will he go off with this one too like the Doctor? Am I not just second best but third best or if John stays will I have nothing at all and just have to watch them together from the sidelines; though the way he looks at me makes me wonder if he wants us both.
I couldn't stay then. Does Jack even care how I feel? I have nothing but endless questions in my head.
Gwen's sending Jack and I out together to search for one of these things. Will we get to talk then? I am so confused about things. The only thing I truly know and understand is that I still love him and I want to believe that he came back for me, just for me.
Quick update – more on what happened with Captain John later. Anyway Jack asked me out on a date – a proper date. I said yes as long as it wasn't in an office. Seems he has a thing for offices! Perhaps he did come back for me after all.
So WOW!!!!!!!
Just a quick entry. It's the morning after the night before. He took me to a hotel. He wined and dined me; the penthouse suite no less. As dates go that may be the most amazing night I've ever had. I'm lost; I'm his no matter what happens and I always will be.
We're preparing for Tommy now. I can hear him calling for coffee; some things never change but for me everything has ……….
TO BE CONTINUED?
PS If you want to know what the date was like read my story - The Date