The Unfailing Always

Pa had left my window open and I was cold. I could tell it was nighttime by the temperature drop and the cool wind that was blowing through my window was becoming excessively annoying, but I was afraid to get up. I had thought about calling Adam in here to close it, but I knew that this was something I had to do. I had been blind for a week now and this would be my first time to get up. I felt like a kid again, terrified of the evil thing under my bed, but this time, the evilness was caused by my physical state. It was an odd feeling, like that if I didn't get up and close the window then I would never get out of this bed again; a horrible feeling. I almost felt sick... and the only thing I could keep telling my self was not to be such a baby.

I sat up in the bed. Sore in the ribs, but there was no lightning strike of pain and my breathing felt pretty good. My hand searched for the covers and with a light flick of my wrist I practically flung them, not only off me, but across the room. What liberation. I groaned inwardly, trying to mentally remember the exactness of my room. Sweating, I stood on legs that reminded me of Hop-Sing's pudding, and placed my hands in front of me. I could feel myself drawing closer to the window, the cold was engulfing me, I knew I was almost there and if someone hadn't have left their chair in the middle of the room I would have been fine. Everything I run into I hit hard, no matter how cautious I am and tonight seemed to be no exception. The chair just about broke my toe, which I could have lived with, but the breaking of glass completely, startled me and signaled the entire house. The shattering was awful. Noises seem much loader when you're blind; your intact senses sharpen immensely. I only had a few seconds before Pa burst into the room.

I didn't wait for him to ask, I just replied, "I'm fine Pa," I sighed and tried to imagine where my bed was, but by now I was completely disoriented of direction.

"What we're you doing at this hour, going for a mid-night ride?" Adam's sarcasm struck me funny, he hadn't joked with me like that since the accident.

"Well I-" Everyone has to interrupt, I hate that.

"Joseph, I'll lead you to your bed," I could feel Pa take my arm in his hand.

At that very moment I knew I had to close the window, I couldn't go back to bed until I had completed my task. Pulling my arm from my father's grasp I turned toward the coldness. Cold feels dark. It's hard to describe, but it really feels like the tangibility of darkness. You realize so many things when one thing is gone. Odd how life plays with you like that.

"Pa let me close the window," I sounded so flat, but no emotion was required, I just wanted, to close the window. The simplest task had become climbing Mt. Everest to me. Not that it was as hard as climbing a mountain, but that it was as important.

"I'll close it for yah Joe. You just go back to sleep," Hoss's footsteps neared the window.

"No! No, I am going to close the window. I'll be fine. Please let me close it." I was begging them. I know my family thought they were helping me by closing the window, but I needed this more than anything.

"Joseph there is no need to yell, we can close the window, now let me lead you to your bed." Why does Pa have to be so adamant?

I gave a disgusted look and almost resigned to the family's wish, but then I felt the dark wind blow in and twist its icy fingers around me and I knew what I knew and I knew that I had to close that window, "Pa let go of me. I don't want you to help me. I'll close the window."

"For heaven sakes son-" Adam interrupted him, I love it when people interrupt.

"Let him close the window Pa. Please just let him." Pa will listen to Adam.

I smiled at my older brother, thanking him. I knew he realized what this meant to me. I knew that he somehow was watching me and all the time grasping how I felt. Adam could see into someone's soul like no one else could. He sees so much.

I smiled a broad smile, now aware of the chair, I walked around it, took hold of the window like a hero who had just pulled the sword out of the stone, and slammed the window shut. The darkness was cut off; the chilling wind no longer to torment me in my sleep. I was content; I had just placed my mark on the very tip of Mt. Everest.

I could feel my family hold their breaths, they were worried I'd trip, hurt my ribs, crack my head, and stub a toe. What Hoss and Pa didn't realize that a bump on the head would only put a dint in my mood right then, I had just made a skyscraper and its architecture was of the best Design. Adam understood how this simple task, even for a blind man, became one of the most important things I've done.

I laid my head upon my pillow, thanking God I could close a window. I heard Hoss say good night and leave, Adam had not moved from the doorway, I could tell…that is unless he's learned how to fly, which I wouldn't be surprised with him.

"Night Pa."

"Good night Joe. I'll clean up the pitcher in the morning, it's too late tonight."

I nodded my head and followed Pa's footsteps to his room; with the closing of the door they were gone.

"You still there Adam?" I knew he was, but I don't think he knew that I knew.

"Yeah kid. Next time if you ever feel the need to close a window, call me in and I'll clear you a path." Adam was smiling, his voice, which most would see as hidden, really gave away his feelings.

I heard a slow step being taken into the hallway and stop, "Hey Adam?"

"Yeah?" The floorboards shifted as he faced me.

"You'll always be there right?"

"Of course."

"And Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for understanding."

"Always." Adam's feet glided on the floor, I barely heard him, maybe he was learning to fly, his door shutting was the only indication I had that he'd made it to his room.

I lay for a long time that night just thinking; thinking about my family, about Cochise, and that new girl in Virginia City…Mary something, really thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. I thought that maybe being blind wouldn't be so bad. Maybe being blind will show me more things than I've seen in my entire life.

I could smell breakfast. I had already made the decision last night to join my family at the table. At least there wouldn't be chairs balancing on the stair. First things first Joe, get dressed. Sitting up in bed I placed my feet on the wooden floor and stood, not as scary as last night, but still frightful. I held onto the post of my bed while I reached into the dresser. Hoping that my clothes matched at least decently, I slid into them with ease and pulled open my door. The creaking I thought would have alerted the family, but then again, I could hear things much better than them now. I stood frozen searching for any sounds to indicate they had heard me. The only sound was their voices rising from the breakfast table. I had never been one to be partial towards eavesdropping, but when I heard my name it was all I could do to keep from listening.

"It scared me so bad last night Pa when Joe's vase broke. I dun know why, it jest did." Hoss was such a worry wart.

"Scared me too Hoss." Pa is too; my whole family is a bunch of worry warts.

"I thought it was good for him." Well at least Adam isn't.

"How can you say that? He nearly broke his neck Adam. Next time he'll try to walk down the stairs and join us for supper." Pa's already guessed my next move… good thing he thinks its dinner and not breakfast.

I heard a chair slide back on the wood floor as someone stood, "For crying out loud Pa, he needs to come down for supper. He's not lame or stupid and he's maybe not even blind... Sometimes I just wish you would listen to him. He's begging us to let him get out and he's going to do it with or without our help."

I paused at the foot of the steps, barely hidden by the corner of the wall. I was breathing rapidly; did Adam really know me that well? I took a step out from behind the wall and then pulled myself back in.

"You need to get down there before they finish breakfast Joe." I was talking to myself again… sometimes I wonder…

I was ready now, I grasped the railing of the stair and took my first step. It creaked loudly and this time I heard each head in the house shift towards the stairs.

"Morning Pa, Hoss, Adam. Feels like a nice day today so I thought I'd join you all for breakfast." That's right Joe, keep it real light hearted.

"Joseph! What-" I stopped Pa in mid-sentence, I didn't want to listen to it this morning, I just wanted to have breakfast with my family.

"Pa, look at that, I'm already down the steps, now I'm not too sure that I'll make it around the coffee table without bumping into it, but a bruised shin never hurt anyone." I smiled, maybe I will make it to the table after all, "Hop Sing?"

"Hop Sing make Joe breakfast. Joe sit down in seat now." Good 'ole Hop Sing, he's the only one that stays the same in this house.

I heard Hoss sit down in his seat, "Well let's eat I'm starved."

I made it to the table without incident. I'm sure Pa looked a sight, his mouth gaping, staring openly at me… he always said it was rude to stare. I could imagine him just as if I were seeing him, it was like a picture, crystal clear but perfectly still.

I sat down next to Adam and Pa and waited for Hop Sing to bring me my plate. I was trying to figure how I was going to eat my meal at the table without spilling my milk or dropping eggs in my lap. It is funny though, because all my life I've come to the table half asleep, with my eyes still closed and ate breakfast, but just because I can't see, the world seems a lot more difficult, even if I've done something a thousand times. I heard the plate plop down in front of me and felt Hop Sing grab my left hand first.

"Fork in left hand," grabbing my right hand he said, "drink in right. No spill drink if hold it all time." And with that the seemingly ancient man left. Hop Sing was priceless.

"Joe," I faced the speaker, "There was a blind teacher at my college in Boston and he always used a clock to figure out where his food was. Listen and I'll teach you."

I almost chocked on my milk, "Adam…"

"No, no listen seriously, it works. Imagine your plate is a clock." I heard Pa and Hoss starting to discuss their plans for today, "Are you listening Joe."

I sighed, "Yeah, yeah, my plate is a clock, proceed Teacher."

"Anyway, your plate is a clock. Your bacon is at three o'clock." I smiled and understood, "Your fried potatoes are at twelve and your eggs are at seven."

"Thanks."

"Sure."

Breakfast was pretty normal after that. Pa even asked me what I thought of building more corrals for horse breaking. I told him that I would build them myself. He said, that He thought that was the perfect job for me once I got back on my feet. I was glad he said that, it made me feel normal again, well about as normal as breakfast was anyway.

Hoss has been standing next to me the whole time we've been here. Not even his shoulder has stopped touching mine. Normally I wouldn't mind, but today I did. It was the first time I'd been away from home in a week and a half and I didn't want a babysitter. I didn't say anything though; I didn't want to hurt his feelings. We were down at the corral watching, well for me it was rather like listening, Adam break the last string of horses for the army. The horses I would be breaking right now. I lifted my foot to stand on the fence rail and practically cracked my head open in the process, must have scared Hoss to death but I made it up there all right, with no help at all. I heard Charlie tell Adam that this was the last horse… maybe they would let me ride Sport back if Adam was sore… he could ride in the wagon… I doubted it, but I was still excited at the prospect and wanted Adam to hurry up. I was lost in thought, which always happens with me when something happens, I'm never paying attention. I heard Adam yell and heard a loud thud. The bronc had bucked him clean off, I could tell by the way he fell. I jumped into the corral. There I stood in the middle of corral with a wild horse and having no idea where Adam was. I could hear Hoss yelling at me to get out; they had Adam…except I didn't know where out was. The horse's hooves pawed at the earth, I felt the dust of the corral fly in my face and heard the animal's snorts in my ears. I'm gonna get pounded by a horse, I just knew it that some how my favorite animal was going to kill me. I just stood there thinking that over and over for about five seconds and then felt Hoss's arm around my body, practically dragging me out of the corral. I had never heard Hoss be so angry in my life.

"What was yah thinking Joe? Where was your head? I can't believe, I just can't believe… You could have died…"

I just nodded my head over and over. There was no answer that could compensate my actions; I was just stupid, "Adam?" I asked in almost a whisper.

"I'm going for Pa Joe; Charlie doesn't think we should move him. Charlie's goin' for the doc. You stay here and take care of him," Hoss's voice softened, "It ain't serious Joe, just worried 'bout his head wound. Take good care of him yah hear?"

I heard, but I didn't know how well I could follow out his orders, "I'll do my best Hoss."

"Good enough for me Shortshanks." And they left me there, with an unconscious Adam. They left a blind man to take care of the hurt. Fools.

I didn't even know where they had laid him. I stood perfectly still, trying to hear my brother's breathing, but the horse was snorting and pawing and the only thing I could concentrate on was that stupid animal, "Be quiet will yah. I'm trying to find my brother if you don't mind." I almost laughed, but this was serious.

I don't believe I would have ever found him if he hadn't have groaned. I knelt down next to him and placed my hand on his forehead. He was bleeding. "Adam? Hey Adam you waking up? Come on and wake up." I wanted someone to tell me what to do.

Gently I slid his head into my lap and tore piece of my shirt to make a bandage for his head. I hoped my shirt wasn't too dirty. I was surprised when he said my name.

"Hey Joe… Is, is Hoss h-here?" He was shaking.

"They went for Pa, just me and you. You just take it easy k?" Adam take it easy? I was joking myself.

"Mmmm… Do you know where my canteen is? If you don't, don't get up… don't need you wandering around for forever."

"Yeah sure, on Sport right?"

"Yeah." He sighed and I knew he was resting. Too bad I didn't know where Sport was. I stood and tried to imagine where I was. I could hear the horse snorting off to the right, so there was the corral… where is the hitching post… Why I couldn't remember where the darn hitching post was, was beyond me. I stood for at least ten minutes trying to figure where the hitching post was and it was a complete waste of time… until I heard Sport whinny. I had never really liked Sport, but at that moment, I would have married him. I jogged lightly over to him, tripped over a rock, got a bloody nose, but made it safely. Even if I wasn't blind I would have most likely tripped over that rock.

"Hey boy…" I was patting his neck while sliding my groping fingers over the saddle and onto the canteen, "Thanks boy…" I ran over to Adam, tripped over the same rock, but at least wasn't injured this time.

"Hey Adam, I found it." Adam mumbled something and I must have been drowning him with water because he started coughing as soon as I placed the canteen to his lips, "Sorry."

I wanted Pa and Hoss to hurry up. I hated being here alone with my hurt brother's head bleeding in my lap. I hated feeling alone in the darkness. I just keep rubbing his sweaty hair off his forehead over and over… getting blood all over my hand, but I really didn't care. I just kept praying that someone would hurry up. Gosh I just wanted someone there with me… someone that was conscious and I guess God heard me because Adam woke up.

"Hey Joe. How yah doing?" How am I doing? Funny question for someone who's just got his head smashed in by a bronc.

"I'm fine Adam, really." My voice quavered but I quickly recovered it by the time I got to the word "really".

"You sure?" He sounded so tired… why does he always have to be so old. Adam never gets to be young.

"Yeah, I'm positive." Not quite positive, but I was feeling a bit better.

"Good."

Things were going pretty good. Adam was feeling better, I was feeling better, and everyone was happy, even that stupid horse wasn't snorting anymore, but nothing ever seems to stay good anymore. Everything has to go tipsy when I'm around. Pa always did say I was a trouble magnet, and today I think I believed him. It was the cocking of a gun that made me turn around and reach for my gun that wasn't really there. A blind man can't shoot anyway.

"Hello my young friend. You are a Cartwright and is that not a Cartwright at your feet also? I do believe that a certain gray haired Cartwright will pay highly for you." He was heavily accented with a Mexican accent.

I heard Adam groan and I new I had to act quickly, "No, I am a Cartwright yes, but he is just a hired hand." I felt my hands shaking; I wish I could see how many were there.

"Are you blind Amigo? For that clearly is Adam Cartwright is it not?" I sighed, yeah stupid I am blind. I heard several men laugh, three, four of them maybe?

"I'm not permanently blind though." I heard myself mutter, at that they all laughed again.

Several men walked over and I knew then Adam and I were in for a real treat, but not the tasty kind. I swallowed hard several times. Adam yelped.

"He's been hurt, please…" Someone slapped me and my head snapped back, gosh my poor nose.

The man who had been speaking to me first was called Carlos, or at least that was what all is Amigos in crime called him. What a common name. I couldn't catch any other names, my Spanish isn't too good.

He grabbed my arm, "Follow me to this horse and you will mount. Your brother is on another horse, so do not plan on taking off, I don't know where a blind man would go any way Amigo, except into the dark eh?" He laughed; just wait until I punch you in the face Amigo.

I mounted on a nervous horse. I hated nervous horses, Sport was a nervous horse, except I was gonna marry Sport so I guess I couldn't hate him… I heard Adam yelp again. I was going to say something, but I didn't figure it would help any except to get me a black eye to go with my broken nose.

The ride wasn't anything to describe. Just dust and heat. I knew we were entering desert country. What was with Mexicans and deserts was beyond me, I just wished I liked deserts as much as they did. Adam must have been dieing. I prayed he'd be all right. The day was relentless, I have never begged for nighttime more than that day than in my entire life, I just wish I had known that night was worse than day. I felt my horse stop.

"It will be dark in an hour, my friends we stop here." I was tugged off my horse and tied to some type of tree that felt rather like a cactus, although I knew it wasn't. Thirst was at first the only thing I thought about and then Adam and then how thirsty Adam must be. Pa was the next to drift into my thoughts and for some reason I thought of Doc Martin. It was then I realized, I hadn't thought about being blind for almost an entire day. I didn't miss my sight for the entire ride up here. I thought that was amazing in itself.

Doc Martin had said that in two weeks he would take my bandages off. Tomorrow would make a week and five days. Maybe I could see right now. If I could I could get Adam out of this. I have never in all my days been able to untie ropes while they were tied to my wrist, but by some granting of God I got them untied. I sat motionless for a moment after my bounds had fallen to the ground. I couldn't tell if anyone saw. I begged God that they didn't. I knew that I had to see to get Adam and I out of this. Slowly I raised my hands towards my face. I could barely breathe as the sweat poured down my temples. I felt sick. Today would be the day that I saw if I was blind or not and I was terrified. This was much more serious that closing a window.

"God please… Please." I felt tears well up in my eyes and through hiccupping sobs I started to pull of the bandages. I don't know why Doc Martin had insisted on putting three layers on, but he did and I felt like it was taking an eternity to discover my fate. I let the bandages float to the ground. I did not open my eyes. Just a few more seconds Joe, You can't wait all night. But I waited another thirty minutes. It was the worst thirty minutes of my life. I would lean forward to puke, and then swallow so I wouldn't. I would place my hand over my face and feel my closed eye lids, trying to force them open. If the snapping of a twig hadn't of startled me I would likely still be running around with closed eyes. My eyes flew open and everything was a blue blur.

"Oh God, thank you… I see blue; blue is my new favorite color." I murmured. I had terrible eyesight. Absolutely awful, I must have been practically blind, but I could see things. I could see the darkness of night and the pale gleam of the moon, well the pale blur of the moon. I sat up and saw a mass moving towards me, staggering as he went. I closed my eyes, and prayed he wouldn't notice anything abnormal. Maybe he was drunk, or maybe he was just stupid because he just went back from where he came. I noticed then that a fire was flickering a few feet away, it's red and yellow really look weird when they're all mixed together in the sight of a person that had rather disoriented eyesight.

"Joe you're still practically blind." I was laughing quietly to myself, I was so happy and nervous at the same time it almost made me sick.

Adam. I had almost forgotten my reasoning behind taking my bandages off. Quickly I stood and tried to locate him, but I knew it would be next to impossible for me to see him in the dark unless he moved. Adam never moves in his sleep, he sleeps like a rock or something dead, but can wake with the slightest sound. I always admired him for that. I blinked several times hoping that the blur would fade into clearer sight, but it didn't. It was then I heard a hoarse whisper. It was Adam. I moved quietly to the next stand of cactuses and leaned over my brother. I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or not, his face was dark and blurry.

"Untie me." I always thought he was a good whisperer and tonight was no exception.

"You okay?" I heard the concern in my voice.

"Yeah. Joe…." He paused and I heard him swallow, "Where is your bandages?"

I looked at him and smiled. I looked him in the eyes and I could see his diamond black ones stare straight back at me.

"Oh Joe…" He whispered it as he hugged me tightly. I couldn't breathe for a couple of seconds. Suddenly I felt his body start shaking and I thought it was because he was ill…it wasn't. He was crying.

"Adam don't cry please…everything is gonna be fine…" I was slightly confused, maybe he was in pain.

" My God you can see. My God you can see." I think he repeated it about five times, smiling the whole time and for some reason I was smiling the same goofy smile he was and starting to cry. I don't think at that very moment neither one of us was thinking about the men over at the camp nor that we might never get home alive. We just stared at each other smiling stupidly while crying. Someday I'm gonna tell my kids this story and tell them what a great night it was that Adam and I got kid knapped by a bunch of Mexicans. Adam snapped out of it first.

"We need to have a plan Joe." I really didn't see how Adam was up to anything at the moment, but we did need a plan.

"Can you ride?" I was nervous that he was feeling worse off than he let on.

"Yeah, it was a head wound, with no concussion Joe. I think I'll live. Here, I have an idea." I leaned into Adams voice, gosh he was a good whisperer, I could barely hear him, "See those horses over there?"

I paused, I really couldn't see much of anything… just a blur, I was ready to agree with him though, if Adam says they're over there, then I'm pretty darn sure that they're over there.

"You don't see them do you? How well can you see Joe?" His face was twisted with concern. I can see better than you feel Adam Cartwright.

"It's blurry Adam, I imagine I would see better in the light, but since light wont come for a while now, lets just make due with what we have." I gave him a smart look and he just smiled. Joe's back Adam, you better be smiling.

"Okay well since we both have certain sore spots, let's make sure our plan covers our weakness. Here is how it goes…"

By the time Adam was done telling me the plan I figured he liked hearing his voice pretty good and I figured that I was pretty tired of his frog hoarse whispering. I sat there in the dark waiting for the signal. I shivered. The night was so cold, but I liked it that way. Hoss always said I must have been some type of lizard or something because I never got cold. Well almost never, I was getting right close to being cold. Okay so I was cold.

I almost missed Adam's signal, too busy being cold I guess. Adam yelled. I jumped up from my spot. I ran hard, I couldn't see too well, but that most certainly was not going to stop me or ruin Adam's plan. The patch of horses was in my view and with trembling hands I took two and untied them. Quickly I grabbed the first two canteens that came into view and shook them to see how full they were. Good enough. The camp was empty; Adam had done a great job. He was putting on quite an act; I could hear him yelling from here. Quietly I slipped out with two of their rifles that had been leaning against a cactus. Slipping behind the boulders I gave my signal-a whistle. Adam must have heard because he stopped pretending to be delirious, I could tell because he wasn't yelling anymore. Slowly the men filed back into camp one by one, each too tired to notice the missing contents. I watched with nervousness as one man looked back to where I was supposed to have been sleeping, but the bed roll did its trick in the dark like we had planned.

I was startled when I felt Adam behind me, breathing hard. I must be loosing my amazing sense of hearing already, because I hadn't heard him come up behind me. I nodded at him to tell him everything was ready. He looked at me, and I saw an old man, he looked more serious right then, than he ever had in his life. I wanted to cry for him, but I held back as he spoke.

"Joe before we go, I want you to know, that this is one of the happiest days of my life. It really is… I… I just…" Adam was gonna cry again. I swallowed hard and loved him the ever more for it.

"I know Adam."

He just nodded and we mounted our horses.

We rode for a while not speaking, just feeling comfortable in each others presence. We were out of danger for the moment, everything was fine. Adam was watching me, I always thought it was funny how a person can tell when someone is watching him, but then I've already thought that once in the past two weeks.

"Hey Joe."

"Yeah."

"Thanks for understanding."

"Of course, thanks for being there."

"Always, Joe. Always."