Change of Heart
Hoss smiled at Adam, eyes gleaming with pride, "Joe's jus' about the best bronc-buster there ever was eh Adam?"
Adam nodded his head and watched as his brother balanced the storming animal. He saw each hoof pound into the earth, spraying dust into fountain formation and watched it fall, only to bounce back to life once again. He felt the whirlwind of dust and heat that flew from the corral and the tremors that erratically danced to the tune of horse feet. The gray mount slowly died down until it paced around the ring, its feet still slightly prancing with the excitement before. Yes, his brother was good, very good.
"Good run of it Joe! She calmed down real quick like, didn't she Adam?" Hoss looked at his older brother and laughed, "Didn't she?"
Adam glanced up from his boots and smiled, "She sure did Hoss. Good job Joe." Joe smiled wearily and patted the newly broke horse on the neck, "Well the horse helped a little, I didn't do much except hang on."
Joe brushed the dirt from his tan pants and prepared to mount the next mare when Adam's hand stopped him, "Let me go at him this time, I'll show you and Hoss how it's done." Adam smiled triumphantly.
"Do you really think I need you to show me how to ride a horse?" Joe shoved Adam's hand from his shoulder and angrily mounted the animal. Joe Cartwright was the pro, he never needed to be shown how to do things, this was his expertise.
"Joe I was only joking…" Adam sighed and walked out of the corral slamming the gate behind him. He stood at the far post and watched his brother, almost completely hidden from view by a tree whose branches sank lazily to the ground.
The horse was crazy. Its black mane skipped in the wind as it spun around the corral. The animal snorted, its anger pouring through its flaring nostrils. All the while Joe clung to the mare as she twisted her back, the young man's hands deeply woven in the leather rope. But the unexpected is to be expected and Joe could no longer hold onto his mount. He yelped and fell from the animals back and rolled across the golden earth, the tracks of aroused dust clearly displayed on his green jacket. He stood and slowly walked towards the gate, as the tired beast trotted at the far end.
"Little Joe you alright?" Hoss brushed the remnants of the struggle off of Joe's clothing; the younger man winced.
"I'm fine." Joe shrugged off Hoss's hand and limped towards where Adam was standing, "Are you happy Adam?"
Adam stared at him and grabbed his arm, "Are you hurt?" Adam's eyes scanned his brother's body searching for any signs of weakness; he saw pain glimmering in the eighteen-year-olds glossy green eyes, "Joe I asked you a question."
"No. Leave me alone. Why don't you go break the stupid animal?" Joe marched towards Cochise and mounted his horse, his right hand placed firmly against his ribs. He moaned as he pulled his right leg over the saddle. Adam looked up.
"Where are you hurt?" Joe didn't respond and tried to pull the horse's reigns from Adam's grasp, "Joe I'm serious."
Joe glared at his brother. Adam thought he was better than him. Adam thought he knew everything. Adam thought he could break that bronc. Well give it to him. "So am I brother."
Adam cursed under his breath as he watched his brother ride off. He watched as the boy he had played and laughed with ride over the hills, his wild hair falling with the rhythmic strides of the horse. He watched his brother leave him in anger because of a foolish remark he had made the moment before. He felt Hoss's presence at his side and his hand firmly pressed against his shoulder.
"He'll come around Adam. I know yah didn't mean it, just sometimes he doesn't see some things the same way you and I do. He's always competing, trying to make his mark on things… He'll come around, you'll see." Hoss walked away and mounted Chubb, chasing after an angry brother and leaving a distressed one behind.
------------
Ben Cartwright stood as Doc Martin slowly walked down the wooden steps, closing his medical bag. Looking up he saw the anxious father and smiled.
"He'll be fine Ben, one cracked rib and a couple of bruises. I wouldn't make him do any heavy work for the next week and make sure he stays in bed the rest of today," Ben smiled wearily, and wiped a work worn hand across his tired face, "Ben, don't worry about him, he'll bounce back." The silver haired man nodded.
"Sometimes I wonder about that youngest son of mine, but somehow he always turns out alright. I think he always will too." Ben laughed and led the doctor to the door. The too older friends shook hands, a signature of their friendship, and within a moment Ben was left alone.
The father of the ponderosa, the sturdy, the foundation, sank easily into his red chair and relaxed into the soft cushion. He sighed and leaned his head back lost in thought. He remembered his boys as children and always thought of how Joseph was the one to come back to him crying of a scraped knee, or a bruised cheek. The boy was determined to kill himself. Ben smiled and predictably rose from his seat and walked to his son, to sit with him. Peaking through his son's door he smiled at the form that lay on the bed. His boy, his man, lay sleeping, sprawled across the bed, one arm dangling on the cliff of the covers lifelessly. He sat on the bed and waited.
"Hi Pa."
The noise startled him, "How do you feel?"
"Fine." Joe snuggled under the covers, grasping for warmth against the cool autumn air.
The two men sat in silence, each studying the other. Ben watched his son determining how "fine" he felt and Joe watched as his father examined him, wondering how much of himself he should show. Ben took in a breath to speak, but was interrupted by the opening of a door downstairs. Ben stood as he heard his older son's stomp their feet at the opening of the living room, their voices drifting through the halls of the Ponderosa home, "I'll be back later, you get some rest."
Ben walked done the steps and met his two sons at the foot of the stairs. Each man's features visibly portraying concern.
"He's fine boys. A cracked rib is all. He'll be sore, but he's fine." Ben placed his hand on Adam's shoulder, "Adam?"
"I'm glad he's okay Pa." Adam walked past his father and slipped quietly to his room, his feet barely resounding off of the pine floor.
"Hoss?" Ben questioned his middle son, the son that was constantly forced to be the rope in tuggle-war with his siblings.
"I don't know what's goin' on with 'em Pa. They just don't see eye to eye is all. They love each other Pa, they're just too busy fighting to show it." Hoss sighed and went into Joe's room, waiting for him to wake again. Ben was left again alone to do the Ponderosa's book keeping, although he never got done with a single line of numbers the rest of the day.
------------
"Pa please, this isn't fair!" Joe slammed his hand on the coffee table and stood to pace the room.
"Joseph, I've had just about enough of this, you are staying home today and that is final!" Ben buckled his gun belt and motioned his older sons to follow him out of the door. Joe stood at the corner of the room, staring angrily at his family.
"I feel fine." He mumbled as he sank into his father's leather chair.
"I want your barn chores done when we get back." Ben exited through the front door along with his sons. Joe listened as three horses stormed out of the barn, each man prepared for a day's work.
"They treat me like a five-year-old." Joe stood angrily and walked outside towards the barn, kicking up dirt, allowing it to spray across his clean pants. Hastily he organized the tack room, shoving each tool into its correct position. Then, it began to rain. Joe listened to the melody of hammering water pallets as they splashed onto the wooden roof. He heard the rolling thunder that seemed to come from with in the belly of the storm. The young man could see the neon flashes of lighting as it streaked across the darkening sky. He remembered when he was young and Adam would sit with him during storms and tell him that God was having a party in heaven. Joe laughed aloud at the thought. It was then that Joe wished he could make thunder in the earth. He wanted to show the world the power he had, the lightening in his fists that he could change things for the good. He wanted to measure up to his brothers, wanted to prove he was a Cartwright. He sighed and lazily placed his horse's reigns on the peg. Tomorrow was going to be like today, he couldn't make the world any different, he was only one man.
Joe nearly dropped his rake when he heard a whinny coming from outside the barn. Peaking through the ancient doors he saw a familiar ranch hand, although he could not place him with a name.
"Howdy Joe, is your Pa home, its real urgent like." The hand pulled his hat from his head, allowing the rain to fall freely on his balding skull.
"No, just me, what's the problem?" Joe stepped out into the rain and held onto the reigns of the hand's horse.
"There's stampeding down at the cattle, a left one or two men up there but we need more men… Tell me where Adam or Ben is and I'll go fetch them." The hand pulled his slicker more tightly around him and blew into his hands.
"There's no need to get Adam, I'll go. I can do this." Joe grabbed his green jacket from a pile of hay where he had left it last and pulled Cochise out of the stall, the hand stood firmly at the door.
"But you're hurt… Jus' the other day I heard about yah breakin' a rib busting some broncs…" The older man grabbed Joe's reigns and pushed the horse backward into the barn.
"Let go of my reigns. I'll handle this, I don't need my family to hold my hand the rest of my life." Joe urged his horse forward, shoving the heavy animal past the man.
The man wiped a dirty hand across his face, "I didn't mean it like that sir… Mr. Cartwright is gonna kill me." The tired hand slammed the barn door shut and looked up into the rain. Sighing he mounted his horse and galloped in search of the rest of the Cartwright family.
------------
Joe heard the beasts before he saw them. The earth shook with their fear and trembled from their pounding hooves. Lightening split the sky and the noise of frightening cows exploded into the air, echoing off the desert hills. Patting his animal's neck, Joe urged his horse forward, commanding Cochise with the taps of his feet. Looking over the hill he saw the cattle and their hunger to run away from the snarls of a fall storm. Two men stood in the back of the stampede, confused and frightened. Joe waved and galloped towards the men.
"Frank," Joe immediately recognized the first hand, "We need to get this under control."
"Yeah I know it Joe. I can see that you're feeling better." Frank nodded at Joe and smiled.
"Yep." Joe placed a hand over his sore rib, "Frank you and Sam ride up along the animals and try to slowly cut them off at the front. I'll ride along the back incase any get turned around."
Frank looked at Joe for a moment and paused before he spoke, "Don't you want to wait for your family Joe? This ain't a three man job…"
"It is now. I can handle this." Joe turned his horse abruptly into the back of the stampede. He watched and prayed as his friends moved skillfully through the heard, trying to gain reign on the crazed animals. Joe felt the vibrations as the beasts as they thundered through the valley; he could feel the hammering of each hoof as it bounced off the desert dust. Turning abruptly to the right, Joe had a better view of his partners. Sam guided his horse easily, nudging his horse with the ease of an expert horseman, while Frank had a harder time of it. Joe was the first to hear Frank's cries as he fell from his animal. He stopped his horse and stared into the herd as the river of cattle barreled forward. Looking up he yelled at Sam, "Get out of there! Sam move out. We're done… it's over." Sam's horse moved from the flow of animals.
Joe pushed his horse forward into the cattle. Looking up at the darkening sky he felt failure. Frank was dead, but he had to try. Joe could hear Sam yelling to him the stampede had ended. Glancing along the valley floor, he saw Franks body. Falling from his horse he reached the man and held his head in his lap. The blood mixed with the mud and the rain continued to fall. No matter the unexpected events the weather and the earth don't change. Joe wiped blood from Franks face and spoke gently to the dead man, "I've failed you, my father, and my name. I made you go out here, you… you…," he paused and gasped for air, "you didn't want to, but I wanted to prove to everyone that I could do this… I'm so sorry." Joe stood and stared into the sky. He let the rain wash the blood from his hands and the sweat from his eyes. He let it fall through his hair and down his back. Today was over. It was done, and there was no erasing time. He cried because he had killed a man, he cried because he had failed. Joe looked down from the sky, and over the hill was Adam. The very same Adam that Joe had always thought was the best, the same Adam as the day before, Adam like the earth, doesn't change. Joe knelt to the ground and pulled his jacket from his back and placed it over the man at his feet. Holding his ribs, Joe walked towards his brother.
"Joe…" Adam placed his hand on his brother's shoulder.
"Adam…it's my fault." Joe crouched on his heels and placed his hands in the mud, "He died because of my pride…" Joe wiped a muddy hand across his tired face and stood again, "He died because I wanted to be better than you."
"No, no Joe. Look at me." Adam looked into his brother's eyes, "You did what anyone would do."
Joe gently pushed his brother hand off of his shoulder and turned towards the dead man, "Leave me here alone for a minute Adam, please."
Adam angrily turned his brother around to face him, his features twisted with concern, "Why, so you can torture yourself over this?"
Joe looked down at the ground and placed his hands in his pockets. He remembered his feelings of a moment before, excitement and pride. He could feel the disgrace flow over him and wash away the pride to simply be left bare in the rain with only humility to cover him. "Please Adam."
Adam turned from him and marched up the muddy slope, passing his father on the way. Ben questioned his oldest son with his eyes, but could only sense frustration flowing from the man's presence. Ben looked at his son, and sighed in pain for his child.
"Joseph." Ben's voice was stern, and flowing with command, "Get on your horse, Hoss will take care of Frank."
Joe glanced up at his father and turned away from him. Grabbing Cochise's reigns he sharply slapped the horse on the rump, sending it towards the opening of the valley, it's hooves splashing in the blood red mud.
"I will take care of him, since I failed to do so before." Joe gently took Frank's bedroll from his saddle and tied it around the body.
"Son, come over to me." Ben's voice softened as he took Joe's hands and pulled him away from his task, "There is no shame in accidents. This is not your fault."
Joe pulled free from his father's grasp, "Yes, yes it is! I asked him to do this, even when he disagreed with it. I told him to! I murdered him because of a stupid pride." Joe leaned heavily against Franks mount, "I wanted to show you and Adam and Hoss I was good for something… I wanted to make my life worth something to someone…"
"Joseph, listen to me. Life in itself is the blink of an eye to eternity. Man only exists for a second before he is swept away. Under those circumstances life would be pointless, but it's not. I learned that the blink of the eye is nothing, but the eye that blinks, that is something and the length of one man's life means nothing, but the person who lives that life, that is something. Joseph you will do something with your life. Do not look at your brothers, you are your own. I know that you will fill the world with quality that is immeasurable, even though the quantity of your life may be insignificant. You are young, yes, but you can still do great things. Son, look at me please," Joe looked up, his features softened, "Joseph, there is nothing more that I ask of you than that you do your best to make a contribution to the greater good of this world, and believe me, you've already done so."
"Pa…" Joe leaned into his father's embrace and felt his body shake with exhaustion and the sobs that fell from his lips.
The rain continued. The thunder still proceeded to roll across the hills of the Ponderosa. The lightning illuminated the sky exactly when it was meant to, it did not alter. The world around us does not change; it is the people that change. It is the events that expose someone until they come to the realization that they need to change. The world may turn, but it is the souls that transform the universe.
Joe glanced up from his shoulder and saw Adam watching from the hill above. He smiled a winner's smile, but not the kind that comes from a competition, the kind that comes from the satisfaction of a change of heart.