I Never Knew a Finer One
In which we explore what Mr. Bates might have pondered as he rode in the hay cart to the Downton Village Flower Show. A brief one shot.
The cart rolled toward the Village Hall. As it pulled farther away, her form grew smaller in the distance, her head bowed, the brim of her hat concealing her face. Maybe she wouldn't see the heavy rise and fall of his chest with his deepened breath and thundering heart. Maybe he wouldn't see the tears fall that had been forming in her eyes moments before.
Her words had nearly paralyzed him, and in doing so, mercifully saved him from the impetus to break composure and respond — embrace, hold, kiss — to the new permissions she granted with them:
I love you, Mr. Bates.
He would record them permanently in his memory and pray the memory was not a daydream, something he'd only wished she'd say as they walked together behind the group. In some ways, the reality of it was more worrisome: He could manage the unspoken. He could govern his fantasies. However, in one moment, Anna's declaration had changed everything.
Before now, he would have granted she felt something for him, but his reckoning had never gone beyond a fondness, an affection, an attachment. But now …
She loves me.
He wavered between fear and elation. He was his best self with her, but love would demand more. Love requires baring one's whole self. Truths surely would surface. Would she still love him if she knew?
Too old. Too damaged. Too hardened.
Vera.
Perhaps her capacity to love would match — or surpass — that of his to misgive. His Anna. He'd secretly claimed her in the deepest parts of himself long ago. She'd warmed him from the first moment of their meeting and every day since. She challenged him in all the ways he needed that no woman ever had. "I wish you'd just come out with it." He chuckled to himself at her brass. Young and beautiful. Compassionate and clever. Alive.
How can she love me?
Let her love you.
The cart reached its destination. Thank the Lord the ride was time enough to regain his usual calm. Bates lowered himself to stand and waited for Anna to catch up on foot. They entered the hall together, his fingertips grazing her coat near the small of her back to gently, furtively lead her inside, where they joined the others.
Let her love you.
They stood next to each other, her right arm at her side pressed to his left. No matter where — sitting to breakfast or dinner, or here — they always found their natural places beside each other. When the awards were announced, applause filled the hall. They exchanged a brief glance, in which he beseeched her heart to hear his:
I will, my darling. In time.