Dramatis Personae (who them there folks are)
- Narrator- that there guy talkin'
- Hercules Gump- our dim-witted hero
- Joe-Bob Theseus- his best friend... somewhat of a hero also
- Bartender- Ain't it obvious?
- Bubba Eurystheus- mayor of the next town in the middle of nowhere, and cousin of Herc... but who isn't?
- Oracle- knows just 'bout ever'thing
- Ioalus- nephew, and likely cousin, of Herc
- Atlas- guy who keeps the sky from fallin' on us... right useful
- Athena- right helpful... and a real goddess at that
- Hippolyta- Queen of the Amazons... also, a supermodel by redneck standards
- Jimbo Hades- Ruler of the Underworld... 'bout as hot there as El Paso in Springtime... not bad
Hercules Gump
Scene 1
Hercules-The name is
Hercules...
Hercules-...Hercules Gump.
Narrator-Our story begins in Thebes...
Narrator-...Georgia.
Narrator-A extraordinarily strong (but not very bright) child
is playing near his house.
Narrator- Hera, queen of the gods, detests him because Zeus,
her husband, fathered Hercules. So, she sends a snake to kill
him.
(hissing sounds, then a very dead snake)
Hercules- Ooh! Look at the little squiggly thing. Oops! It
died.
Scene 2
Narrator- Once again, Hera tries
to destroy young Hercules's life.
Hercules-Die! Die! Die! (ad lib insanity)
Hercules- What have I done? I killed them! And I was just talking
to them, and then...I need a drink.
(enter bar)
Hercules-Hit me again.
Bartender- You've already had 25. Are you trying to kill
yourself?
Hercules- Wouldn't mind it.
Bartender- Then before you go to Tartarus, pay your tab.
Hercules- Here. Charge it.
Bartender- Hey! Isn't that Joe-Bob Theseus?
Hercules-Joe-Bob! Over here.
Theseus- Gimme a Dos Equis.
Bartender- Sure thing.
Theseus-Something wrong, Herc? You usually only drink 15 when
you're here.
Hercules-(sarcastically) No, nothing's wrong...just killed my
family...I think.
Theseus- You think? Even someone as slow-witted as you should
be able to figure that one out.
Hercules-Yeah...One minute I was talking to them and the next,
I had my 10 gauge in my hands and there was blood everywhere.
Theseus- You must've gone insane for a second. By the way,
who were your folks?
Hercules- Zeus and Alcmena.
Bartender- (suddenly interested) Zeus? You really are a
redneck, aren't you?
Theseus-(ignoring bartender) Possibly Hera, out of jealousy
tried to do that. She gets kinda touchy at times.
Hercules- KINDA!?! You call that KINDA? Joe-Bob, what can I
do, kill myself?
Theseus- Nope. Can't do that. Hero handbook, page 45,
paragraph 3, subsection 4 says that would be the easy way out. As a
hero, you can't do that. However, I can find some answers. Go to
Delphi, Tennessee... there's an oracle there.
Hercules- What can I do to get
this off my mind?
Oracle- Go to your cousin, Bubba Eurystheus, and he will tell
you.
(enter the "court" of Mayor
Bubba)
Bubba- What can I do for yall?
Theseus- Herc here has a problem.
Bubba- What is it?
Hercules-That there oracle told me to ask you how to clear my
mind.
Bubba- Well, there are about 12 major things that need doin'
that nobody's gotten around to. (aside) If he gets 'em done, my name
ain't Bubba Eurystheus.
Hercules-Well, what's first?
Bubba- Well, first you need to
kill a big old lion out yonder in Nemea.
Hercules- I'll leave as soon as I get my shotgun and
pickup.
Theseus- Good luck, Hercules You're gonna need it.
(enter lion) (shoots It & nothing happens)
Hercules- Dang! This here shotgun ain't gonna hurt it. Just
gotta strangle that oversized cat.
(yowling sounds, kills lion)
Here, Bubba. You coulda done that on your own. What's next?
Bubba- Now kill the Lernian hydra.
Hercules- Piece of cake. Just a six headed monster.
(enter hydra)
(blows head off hydra; 2 grow back)
Dang it! They don't make shotguns like they used to.
Ioalus- Here, Unc. This here fire, it hurts quite a bit.
(roasted Hydra... mmmm, my favorite)
Hercules- Wow! It's hot. Take this, ugly! Hah! Where're your
heads now?!? Oops, this one keeps a-chompin'. Better bury it.
(leave scene to go back to Bubba)
Hey Bubba, what's next, got anything hard?
Bubba- Yeah. I hear Artemis has this mighty fine bambi. It
has some horns worth a lot of money.
Hercules- Oh tay!
(struggling sounds)
Man, this thing won't stay still and mean old Bubba won't let me
use my shotgun.
(more struggling sounds)
Gotcha! Now, ride 'em Bambi!
(captures deer and hauls it back to Bubba in the pickem up
truck)
Bubba- Good! Lots of dinero for me...NONE FOR YOU!!! Now, I
want a lot of bacon, so capture the Euromathus boar.
Hercules-I'm on it.
(exit to a very cold place, wind blowin' and ever'thang...must not
be in the South)
Wow! It's cold up here and my shotgun, old Betsy, died on me
about a year ago.
(runs toward the boar, tackling it)
Here it comes...Bugga, Bugga, Boo! Gotcha now!
Bubba-Wow. You're doin' good. Now clear the Augean stables.
They really stink. Here, have a ham sandwich...you deserve it. You
can use this brand spankin' new Reach toothbrush to do it with.
Hercules- I don't need it. Zeus gave me hands for a
reason.
(at the stables... an idea crosses his dim mind for once)
Hey, ain't there a river near here?
(diverts the river into the stables, cleaning it out)
I knew that those latrine cleaning classes would come in handy
some day.
Now what? Ya know I can't count, so we'd better be almost done with
them twelve.
Bubba-Now, drive some annoyin' birds away from the poor folks
around there. But first, take a shower.
Hercules- But I ain't taken one in years! Them there birds'll
be gone 'fore you can start up yer pickup truck.
(engine noises, his truck ain't in the best a conditions; luckily,
it stalls as he reaches where he's supposed to be)
Glad I got a new shotgun. This'll be just like huntin'
ducks.
Athena-Can I give you a hand, big boy? I'll drive 'em out and
you shoot 'em.
(squaking, birds flapping their wings all over the place; shotgun
shots like you wouldn't believe)
Hercules-Thanks a lot, ma'am. That sure was easy with your
help.
(back to Bubba)
You gotta be runnin' out of ideas, Bubba.
Bubba Just gettin' started, Hercules... Go to Crete
and capture Minos's prize bull.
Hercules- But mah pickup don't go through water! I'm a-gonna
have to take a ship out there, and I get seasick!
(sounds of a quick struggle, and some moo-cow sounds, even though
it's a bull - hey, we're on budget here!)
That was simple...now I gotta get that bull through customs.
(sounds of stamping a passport, and a few threats; Herc shows the
prize catch to Bubba)
Bubba- Now go capture the man-eating mares of Thrace.
Hercules- Well, I'm right glad I got me a new horse trailer...
and a tune-up.
(sounds of an argument and a shot... whinnying, and driving
back... Herc really is rackin' up the miles, though the warranty on
his truck is long overdue)
No problem...just had to kill Diomedes and take his horses.
Bubba-Now go get a belt from some Amazon woman named
Hippolyta.
Hercules- Finally, a girl is involved in this!
(sounds of a pleasant dinner conversation... prob'ly over
barbeque)
Hey there, Hippolyta, mind givin' me that there belt of
yours.
Hippolyta- No problem... why don't you stay awhile?
(ominous sounds, Hera talkin' to Hippolyta's folks)
Hera- Psst! Amazons! He's gonna take your leader!
Amazons- Woobie! Woobie! He bad! He die!
Hercules- You know...it's all your fault, Hippie! Now you
have to die! (sounds of dying... oh, fun) You thought you
were cool, but now you're dead!
(now laughing at Bubba somewhat)
Hey Bubba, you almost got me!
Bubba- I will this time. Go take the monster Geryon's
moo-cows.
Hercules- Where's the beef?
Bubba- Erythia, near the end of that there big sea.
(ocean sounds, and only a little projectile vomiting)
Hercules-Whoa, these rocks are always gettin' in my way. (pushes
them up, sounds of the earth movin'... literally) Wow, these rocks
have names on 'em. Looks like "Gibralter" and "Ceuta".
Here are the moo-cows...or Hera. Anyway, let's go. Whatcha gonna do
with em, sell em to McDonalds?
(Bubba is quite agitated, because his evil plot isn't working)
Bubba- Arggh! Next, the golden apples of Hephestus, which Atlas
has.
Hercules-Hmmm...more food... apple pies to go with them
burgers?
(a journey to the end of the earth... Atlas is seen looking very
bored, but scheming to get the earth off his hands, literally)
Hey, Atlas, how 'bout givin' me them there golden apples?
Atlas- Sure...just hold this here world for me for a bit.
(Herc picks up the earth, waitin' for Atlas's return)
Hercules- Okay...just like gettin' my pickup truck outta the
mud.
Atlas- Since you're doin' so well, how 'bout holdin' that
there world for much longer...fooled ya now... ha ha ha.
Hercules- 'Fore you go, why don't you carry it fer a sec so I
can put this here pad on my shoulders, as I'm a-gonna have it here
for awhile.
Atlas- Okay. (Picks the earth back up, Herc runs away w/
apples) Hey, what do you think you're doin'? I thought we had an
agreement...If I didn't have the world on my back, I'd hit you so
hard...
Hercules- Hey, you're stupider than I am.
(counting on his fingers, runs out, uses a toe)
Okay, Bubba, last chance.
Bubba- Now you gotta go to that there Tartarus and get that
big ol' three-headed dog named Cerberus.
Hercules- A mutated mutt? No problem, Bubba. Just gotta
convince old Jimbo Hades to let me.
(enter the reaches of the Underworld, such a pleasant place)
Hey, Jimbo Hades, mind if I take that there Cerberus on in a
fight and take him to Mayor Eurystheus?
Hades- No problem...but you can't use old Betsy to take him
on. And bring him back...mutated guard dogs are tough to find... and
the prices??...don't ask.
Hercules- Here, Cerby...I got a nice steak for you if you come
with me...(Cerby growls)...but hey...if I remember my hog
tyin' lessons back on the ranch...yeah...(yips are heard) you
ain't so tough. (remembers somethin') Oh yeah...Joe-Bob's
stuck in some chair here that makes him forget...better go get
him.
(unties Joe-Bob, returns to the earth)
Here, Bubba. The last one's done. Now I gotta take Cerby
back...
Bubba- I.. uh... okay.
(at the bar again)
Theseus- Thanks for gettin' me away from that there chair of
forgetfulness.
Hercules- Sure thing...what do you mean
slow-witted?!?
Narrator- Hercules Gump went on
to do many hero-type things. And, like any good redneck, he got
married, killed a giant, killed his rivals, went to war, cheated on
his wife, acted stupidly, and nearly died when she tried to give him
a love potion, which happened to be like napalm. But, all things
would not be Jerry Springer for our hero....
Hercules- Yup, that really hurt. So much that I asked them to
burn me to kill me.
However, I got things good. I got to marry Hebe and live in this
here Olympus. Ain't that just great?
A/N - Hey, I was even worse three years ago, when I wrote this... I
know it's a little lacking in interesting action and not too
structured, and you have to have some knowledge of Greek mythology to
get anything out of it, but hey... The things you do for extra
credit...