She wouldn't look at him and he realized quickly she was probably, no, she was definitely angry that he'd simply chosen to show up after having asked him numerous times just to give her time. He stood before her, hands opening and closing in his normal nervous pattern, something she noticed he did often when dealing with herself.
"What do you want from me Grissom?" she was back to calling him by his last name, not even the decency of calling him Gil and he felt his heart drop just that much more.
"I want to know when you're coming home!" Not a question, a simple statement that said so much. Gil Grissom was not one to beg. "I want to know IF you're coming home!" This time he was going completely against the grain "If you want me to beg Sara, I'm begging...please, just tell me if and when you're coming home...all I'm asking for is some honesty here" tears filled his eyes as he stood there, in a position that Gil Grissom never in all his years imagined himself to be.
"And I told you I didn't know when, I told you I needed time..." she was about to say more as his hands reached up and unzipped his jacket which slowly fell to the floor.
"What are you doing?" she stared at him unable to read his eyes.
"I want you to look at me Sara!" He spoke softly, no inflection in his voice what so ever.
"I am looking at you, I have been looking at you for all these years, you just apparently never noticed!" her voice took on a hard edge as she wondered where this was going. The next thing she knew, he was unbuttoning the blue shirt he had on, one of her favorites if memory served her correctly. "Gil don't do this..!" she watched as he slowly worked the buttons, his fingers trembling as he finally finished and slipped out of the silky material. He slowly slipped the undershirt over his head and dropped that in the growing pile of clothing at his feet.
"No, I want you to not only look at me Sara...I want you to see me!" he worked at the belt around his waist and that along with his pants were quickly discarded as well leaving him standing there in his boxers. As his fingers reached for the waistband, he heard her take a deep breath as if she were preparing to say something. "I know you've looked at me Sara, but this time, I want you to really see..." he stripped down to nothing but the skin that he was no longer comfortable in.
"Stop this Gil, stop it right now!" she jumped up from the sofa where she'd been sitting. "I don't know what exactly you're trying to do here but stop it already, I told you I needed time, I thought you understood!" she paced but wouldn't make eye contact with him. "What the hell possessed you to drive all the way to San Francisco anyway?" she was shouting now and Gil flinched with each word.
"It's all I have left Sara,this is all I have left to offer you, it's all I have left of me... I once told you...my greatest fear was loving and losing you.." the tears welled in his cerulean orbs. "You told me that would never happen...and...I believed you. I told you, my deepest, darkest secret was that you'd love me, leave me and it would destroy me..." she stopped and looked into his eyes, the glint in her brown eyes flashed something that broke him even more.
"You're fine Grissom...you'll survive, you're a survivor!" she tossed words she'd heard after her rescue never stopping to realize, they were words he had NEVER used. He'd always told her they'd get through it...together, that they'd face any demons...together! Not once did he even think of telling her she was a survivor or that she'd be fine, fine was a word he'd heard for years from her own mouth whenever she wanted to avoid talking about something bothering her, it had become her fall back, "I'm fine!" was something that told everyone that knew Sara she was anything but.
He continued to stand there, arms at his side, palms up, he never made a move with the exception of tracking her movement around the room. She paced, like a caged tigress looking for an out. He had come, hoping to finally get an answer, to put pieces of his own life back together and instead, he stood, laid bared to her eyes and she paced around him as if she was trapped. "I'm nothing without you.." the merest whisper passed his lips "I just wanted you to see, you succeeded Sara, you alone did what no one else was ever able to do..."
She stood there, mouth agape as she watched probably the strongest man she knew crumble before her.
"You broke down my walls, ones that I spent years carefully constructing brick by brick. You chipped away until I let you inside...and now, just like I feared, I'm nothing!" he slowly reached down, picked up his shorts and slid them back followed by his pants, belt and the rest of the clothes, in the exact opposite order in which he had stripped himself bare. "My greatest fear was to be known" he remembered Heather had told him that and he's winced then like he did now as he stated the simplest fact. "I let you know me...and now, I have nothing...Thank you Sara, for letting me love you while I could.." he slipped into his jacket, zipped it to the collar and walked toward the door. "I won't bother you again, I see now that I'm not what you want..." she made a move as if to say something but his raised hand stopped her. "I hope you find what...or...who you're looking for, I wish you happiness and peace..." the tears started before he could contain them and he simply opened the door with one last look then slipped away.
Sara stood there, hands over her mouth conflicted as to what she should do. She walked to the window and watched him slowly make his way to his rental car. Today, she couldn't tell if it was her imagination but he looked older, worn and now, because of her, he looked broken and the sob that escaped threatened to choke her. "Oh God...what have I done?" she collapsed in a heap on the floor sobbing uncontrollably.
Catherine hadn't been at all surprised that Gil decided to take a leave of absence and go after Sara but she was ill prepared to find out, 10 days later she was now going to be in charge of the second most successful lab in the country.
"What the hell are you talking about Conrad?" she sat straighter in the chair before the Lab Director's desk. "I don't want Grissom's job, he took a short leave to go after Sara that's..." but the paper he slid across the shiny wooden desk stopped any further conversation.
"Did you honestly think I'd punish him for going after her Catherine?" he seemed genuinely stunned. "I mean, I have heard rumors that I've been a heartless bastard but even that would have been low for me." he sat back studying the blond before him.
"When did he do this?" she picked up the letter:
It is with great reluctance that I find myself writing this letter to you Conrad, I have not informed my team of my decision and apologize first and foremost for putting this on your shoulders but I have found I am unable to return to my job as Supervisor of Grave. Please inform Catherine of my decision to give up my position with the Las Vegas Crime Lab. I know our relationship has been strained over the years but it is with sadness that I am including my formal resignation from the job. Please tell my team it was an honor and a privilege to work with each and every one of them. I'm proud of the job they've done, the job they continue to do everyday and I apologize for taking the cowards way out. Please tell Warrick Brown that I kept my word...he'll understand. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work with such a fine organization.
Sincerely,
Gil Grissom
"Maybe he just needed a break?" Catherine knew that over the past few months, actually...since the day Sara left, Gil had been on a downward spiral and nothing she or the rest of the team, including Jim Brass had done was enough to bring the old Grissom back. "Maybe he just doesn't want to be the supervisor?" she asked with a hopeful air.
"I sent Brass over to his place to try to talk some sense into him"
"He went to San Francisco on Monday to see Sara..." she wanted him so not to say what she knew was coming...
"Apparently, he came back, cleared out his place and left...Brass is trying to track him down as we speak, I don't think he's in any condition ... emotionally to make any decisions right now" Conrad laid all his cards on the table "I'm not putting this through because of it..." he held up the letter "But Catherine, you need to find him, find out what the hell happened and get him back here, I can only help out as long as this stays between us.."
"Conrad, you have to let me tell the rest of the team, only the immediate team...they might be able to help get him back!" Ecklie sat, hands crossed as he contemplated her request.
"Only as far as Sanders and Archie, if this gets out, I'm afraid I won't be able to save his job Willows" he nodded and Catherine knew she was being dismissed. "As far as you know, Grissom is still on a leave of absence, I don't care if you tell the rest of the lab he's off teaching somewhere in outer Mongolia just let me know what you decide."
Catherine stood up and straightened her sweater. "I don't know why you're doing this Conrad but thank you.." she smiled and left the office leaving Conrad to ponder that very question.
Brass was on to his fourteenth phone call, he didn't know where his friend had disappeared and he'd put out an APB on his car. He'd called in favors in just about every county between Henderson and San Francisco. Finally he decided to use the one phone number he'd hesitated to call. She answered on the second ring.
"Sidle!" she sounded tired and Brass wondered at the wiseness of contacting her.
"Cookie, it's Brass..." he heard something in her breathing, a hitch, something there.
"Hey, Jim...how are you?" she managed to regroup rather quickly.
"I've been better...you?" She didn't answer immediately and he thought again that this might not have been the best idea he'd had so far.
"Been better myself, what can I do for you?" Somehow she knew before he even stated the reason for his call.
"Have you seen Gil Sara?" he heard the sound again, an intake of breath, a sob...
"He was here on Monday, have you checked the lab?" she figured that once he walked away, Gil would return to the only safe place he knew.
"Yeah...about that" Brass tapped his pen nervously, "I ... well, Gil left the lab Cookie..." He doodled a smiley face on his desk top calendar and the with the stroke of a pen, crossed the smile off the little face staring up at him.
"He left...?" she sounded genuinely puzzled.
"Yeah, Catherine told me he took a leave of absence to go out to California and see you..." he drew a hangman's noose around the stick neck of the smiley face. "So he was there?" Brass was treading lightly.
"Yeah...he came... here...but...but he left..."
"Alone I guess!" Brass swallowed hard knowing how difficult it must have been for Gil to swallow his pride, pack up his things and drive all the way out to try to get back the love of his life, only to find out from said 'love' that he'd obviously failed.
"I wasn't ready ... he showed up..." she started to cry at the thought of Gil standing naked before her, broken... "He ... I... we, Oh God Brass, I'm so sorry, I let him walk away... thinking that I didn't love him!" she bawled into the handset.
"Do you Sara? Do you love him?" Brass seemed to be the only other person with balls enough to lay his cards on the table.
"I do...I'm just so confused, I thought I was coming here to bury ghosts from my past, I asked him for the time to do that, I just never expected him to show up at my door..."
"What exactly happened Sara?" Brass finished the stick figure on the paper, complete with a mini gallows from which the smiley face now hung., eyes crossed off like those of a dead man.
"He came here...he said he wanted me to see him..." she whispered in between heaving sobs. "He stripped bare, right here in my living room ...and told me..." she cried harder..
"What did he say Sara?"
"He said I'd succeeded...in...Brass, I've destroyed the only man I've ever loved!" she could barely catch her breath between the sobs that wracked her body. "He said he was nothing without me, that his greatest fear..."
"Was being known!" Brass added, remembering how Heather had once stated that Grissom was afraid because she 'knew him' it was a conversation he'd had with her that until now, no one else knew about. "You know Sara, he let you in even though he knew this was what could come to pass." he tried to be gentle but this was his best friend they were discussing.
"I know Jim, I know...God I never meant to..."
"He told me you once promised him that you'd never hurt him" he sat back in the chair "I know he hurt you plenty in the past Sara but the last two years, he did everything he could to make it up to you" she was shocked that Brass knew how long they'd been together. "He was the happiest I ever remember seeing him, except for the time he returned from San Francisco and a certain Forensic Academy Conference." the smile in Jim's voice was evident. "Did he say anything else before he left Sara? Anything that might give us a hint of where he'd go?"
"He really left Jim?"
"He faxed in his letter of resignation, Conrad's holding off on it hoping he'll change his mind so I went to your house to see if I could talk some sense into him, the place is empty."
"Empty? Empty as in...?" she bit her lip nervously.
"Nothing Sara, not a lamp, not a stitch of furniture, empty..." he remembered the sadness he felt knowing that Gil would have had the place completely packed up and if his gut instinct was right, probably put everything in storage.
"Well at least he took Hank with him..." she muttered. "He did take Hank right?" she heard Jim take a breath.
"Ah...no, he gave him to the neighbor lady, told her if she decided she couldn't keep him, he'd understand and left a letter for Greg...asking if he would consider giving him a home until you decided if you wanted him or not..." Jim drew a tie on the dead smiley face. "That's the last contact anyone has had from him, I have friends in the department looking for him but so far, nothing, none of the Universities have heard from him..it's like he dropped off the planet!" he scratched out his doodles and began drawing blocks.
"He loved that dog Jim..." she sobbed, sitting on the bed and holding herself tightly.
"He loved you too Cookie, look where that got him!" Jim couldn't suppress the lilt of anger that tinged his words. "Guess wherever he is, he needed to be alone..."
"Jim...please, do whatever you have to but ffffind him ffffor mmmmme?" she stuttered. "I know Jim, I don't deserve your help but please...find him for me." The phone disconnected and Sara wasn't sure what Jim's decision would be, if he found Gil would he bother to tell her or would the team, realizing that Gil had fallen apart after her departure, close ranks and keep her out. She decided to take a chance and dialed Catherine's number.. The phone rang four or five times before it went to voice mail, feeling stupid she decided against leaving a message and proceeded to try Nick or Warrick's phone as well, pretty much getting the same thing. She thought it odd that they were not answering their phones at the same time and as a last ditch effort she contacted Greg.
"Hey Sara!" He at least sounded enthusiastic "How's it going?" Greg had been angry at Grissom since the day he'd informed the team of her departure. He had thoroughly convinced himself that if Gil had gotten off his ass and gone after her, she'd be once again working side by side with her team and everything would be okay. Sara of course hadn't known the difficult time that Greg had been giving Grissom as of late, snide comments, dirty looks and a definite 'kiss my ass' attitude that at any other time would have gotten him either written up or reprimanded. Gil has simply taken it in stride figuring that at some point and time, he and Greg would have to talk.
"Greg, has anyone seen or heard from Gil?" she cut right to the chase.
"You're kidding right?" he sounded incredulous. "No Sara, apparently Mr. Reliable did a cut and run leaving the whole lab up for grabs!" the venom that poured from his mouth took Sara by surprise. "Not surprising, he couldn't manage to hang on to the best thing in his life and now he dumps on us...man did I have him figured wrong...I'm telling you..."
"Stop Greg, stop it right now!" she hissed into the line making him hold it away from his ear..
"Sara for God sake, you can't tell me after what he did to make you leave..."
"He didn't do anything Greg, I left on my own, he didn't even know I was leaving!" she shouted.
"What?" Greg sounded shocked, genuinely surprised by this admission. "He didn't drive you away?"
"No...after I talked to you in the locker room that day, and that whole mess with Hannah...I couldn't do it anymore Greg, I couldn't face death day in and day out..." she sobbed. "I kissed him in the lab...in front of David..." she wiped away the tears streaming from her eyes. "I never knew...I walked away Greg, from you guys...from my job, from the only man I've ever loved...I walked away" she broke and all Greg could do was to sit and listen to his best friend cry.
"Sara...Gil left the lab...he emailed Ecklie his resignation...no one has heard from him since." he felt like an ass.
"He came here Greg...to see if I was coming home, he begged me, Grissom...begged me and I let him walk away thinking I didn't love him." the words poured forth and Greg's heart broke.
"Sara...do you love him?" he had to know, he loved her himself and wanted the answer that had eluded him all the years he'd known her. "Do you really truly love him?" he heard her sob again.
"I do love him Greg, with all my heart...I just didn't think I was ready to come home...I thought...I came here to bury my past..." she wondered how much of her past they might be aware of. "I didn't have the greatest childhood Greg, I came home..."
"Grissom said you were in San Francisco visiting your Mom, I thought he was full of shit.." he still did not having any other info to go on.
"I did, I am...there's so much about me you don't know...only Griss knew...but he was telling you the truth, my Mom got out of prison, I hadn't seen her since..." she paused and then dove right in figuring she needed a friend now... "My Mother killed my father protecting me...I haven't seen her since I was a kid and when she got paroled...well, I came to see her, mend some fences, bury some ghosts..." she was sobbing again just less frequently.
Greg was stunned, Sara's Mother had killed her Father, protecting her from what? Apparently her Father from the sounds of it, he wasn't going to pry...but he sure and hell was going to be a better friend to her. "Did you manage to accomplish any of that?" he sounded genuinely concerned for her.
"Some, I met my Mother, we're finally getting along...I realize now that instead of seeing her as a weak person that let my Father beat her, that she took them so he wouldn't touch me...until...well, that's another story for another time Greg" she wiped her nose and straightened up. "Now I need to find Gil, I need to...I need Grissom!" she wailed into the phone, finally at wits end.
"I know Brass has an APB out on him, from here to California but I haven't heard anything. Sara ... Conrad is keeping his resignation under wraps for now, he said he didn't think that Grissom is emotionally stable enough to make such a decision." he repeated what Catherine had told the team when she'd informed them of their supervisor's exit.
"He's probably not too far off Greg and I didn't help matters" she sighed "If you hear anything would you call me?' she gave him the number and the address where she was staying. He assured her he would, wished her well and told her in no uncertain terms that he hoped she would come home soon then they hung up. Sara immediately started to pack up her things. She was going home or, she hoped she was because she didn't know if the condo was still theirs, if her keys would fit in the door and she needed to make several calls to find out where all their furniture had been sent. It took awhile but she finally located the storage facility and explained that she had been out of town, her husband had been called away and he had put the furniture in storage thinking that she might now be able to move back in time...luckily the woman on the phone bought it along with the story that she'd missed him and he probably had the only keys...
The next phone call was to her Mother telling her it was time for her to return home and straighten her life out there and in time, she'd be back. Laura Sidle, grateful for the time she had with her daughter wished her well and told her that in the future, she'd like the opportunity to meet the man that had captured Sara's heart. She contacted the apartment manager, handed over her keys and took what little possessions she had gathered, loaded them up in her car and was on the road a day later.
"Las Vegas, here I come" she smiled sadly hoping that when she got there, she'd be able to undo the mess she'd made of the life she'd left behind.
--She pulled into her old spot in the LVPD/CSI parking lot then thought better of it being only a visitor now, she quickly swapped places, locked her car and headed into the building. The first person she saw was Judy behind the reception desk who waved frantically at her with the biggest smile she'd ever seen.
"Miss Sidle, how are you?" she quickly put down the phone and leaned over the counter "God it's good to see you, Dr. Grissom's not here, I guess he took a leave of absence or something...gosh he's gonna be so mad he missed you...unless you're here for him...which isn't good because of course" her hands flew about her head like she was about to take off. "like I said he's not here but I could try to page him for you...you're here, are you here to stay?" Sara was having a hell of a time keeping up with the conversation so she simply stood there smiling at the young woman.
"I know he's not here Judy, I came to talk to the rest of the team and see if Conrad Ecklie was available.." she waited thinking that perhaps Judy would hand her a visitor sticker but she simply picked up the phone.
"Mr. Ecklie, you have a visitor, yes, Miss Sidle...yes Sara she's here if ... okay I'll send her in, thank you Sir!" she hung up and smiled then waved Sara in the direction of the Director's office. Conrad was standing in the hallway when she walked down the corridor and the smile on his face made it impossible for her to read him.
"Sara" he extended his hand to her. "Good to see you, you're looking rested..." he gently guided her into his office, closed the door and motioned for her to take a seat. "I'm assuming that you heard about Gil?" she nodded looking quite guilty.
"I'm afraid I might have had a hand in that Conrad" she placed her purse beside the chair and leaned back not quite knowing where to begin.
"I take it he found you in California?" She nodded. "Didn't go well?" She shook her head, she wasn't sure how much she wanted him delving into their personal lives but then remembered that Greg said Conrad was actually holding off on putting Grissom's resignation through.
"He wanted answers to if and when I might be coming home" she pulled a tissue from her purse afraid of the water works that were threatening again.
"And you weren't ready to come back?" he reclined slightly as the leather of his chair squeaked in annoyance.
"I guess him just showing up, out of the blue took me by surprise...I didn't give him an answer and..."
"He walked away totally confused!" Conrad finished for her understanding the situation a lot more than she could ever believe. "You know Miss Sidle" he smile... "You left me short handed when you walked away!" his tone was not accusatory in the least and Sara had to wonder what he was getting at. "And now, it would seem that I'm even shorter handed then before" he templed his fingers under his chin. "So, I have to ask you, what do you think you can personally do about this little dilemma?" he was genuinely smiling now.
"Well...I seriously doubt that anyone would be to happy about me just waltzing in and out of here on a whim" she decided to play along wondering if she was ready to return to a job that had so dearly cost her so much.
"Well anyone but me" he laughed. "I understand the job getting to you Sara honestly I do and I knew when Gil took his leave last year that it was getting to him as well, we both know" he tipped his hands "both of you are cut from the same cloth."
"What shift would you need me for?" she was praying that he would not request her to come back to Days or Swing.
"Well, since I'm shortest on Grave and since you have such a working knowledge of how Gil likes things handled, I guess I would have to insist" he grinned "that you take a position on Grave" she looked up stunned that he seemed to read her mind. "But I want you to start off slow, no solo cases just for the time being..."
"Unless the team is extremely stretched." she wasn't asking, it was only fair that she be allowed to pull her fair share.
"Exactly, but you'll have to answer to Catherine, I know you and she have had your difference but..." as if on cue, Catherine appeared outside of Ecklie's office and he motioned her in.
"Sara!" Catherine's open armed welcome told Conrad all he needed to know. "Please tell me you're back to stay?" She closed the door behind her and looked from Sara to Ecklie.
"She is, she'll be immediately assigned to Grave under your command if that's okay with you Catherine?" the redhead smiled and nodded enthusiastically.
"No solos unless we're tapped out." They both agreed. "Pending Gil's return and his decision if he wants to remain as Supervisor of Grave Catherine you'll remain Shift supervisor for the interim. Catherine sat down and took Sara's hand.
"Welcome back...where are you staying?" Conrad looked up at Catherine.
"I managed to finagle my way around the storage company, I'll need to get some movers to get our furniture back in if Gil hasn't put the house up for sale or anything." Conrad hadn't known about this information. "I don't know if he changed the locks, if he hasn't my keys might still work I'll need to get some of my stuff tucked away before I start tonight..." she knew it was going to be a mad dash to get situated again.
"Well, it's been quiet so far, Conrad how would you feel about us helping her out for awhile, we'll stay on standby, there's nothing in the lab pending right now that Hodges can't manage himself but we might be able to get Sara settled faster then her having to wait for movers. I know I'm asking a huge favor with us being on the clock..." He held up his hand.
"Welcome back Sara" he waved them out of his office after actually giving her a hug that threw her for a loop. "I just hope I can say the same to Gil shortly" he felt her tense up and stepped away from her. "We'll find him Sara, we have the resources to do it...we'll find him."