Diary of Sir Arthur Hellsing
Short Summary: . pre-Dawn.As said it´s written in the form of a diary. Means: ellipses.And things alike.
Sir Hellsing has to deal with the „normal" problems of Hellsing, a 13 year old butler, a vampire shaped like a little girl and the daily mayhem within Hellsing. Luckily there is his buddy Shelby Penwood, Chief of the Royal Navy. And Whiskey. Un-luckily for him there is Sir Islands.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Hellsing; it belongs to Kouta Hirano and Young King Ours. Any of the characters displayed (except of my own ) belong to Hellsing only. Any other places/ people/ events are either referring to real ones (see Buckingham Palace for example) or were made up by me. I do not mean to offend anyone, this is just for fun.. I don´t have anything against the British, the monarchy or our good friend alcohol. Please excuse some ooc-ness if discovered. Since this is only a translation of an already existing fic in german ( Das Tagebuch des Sir Arthur Hellsing) I would bid you to forgive me some rhetoric styles, translation difficulties and resulting strangeness. Since I´m the very author of the fic (please don´t sue me) I´m just trying to „broadcast" my works to a larger audience.( please don´t sue me for that either) And ..yes, I´m German, means: English´s not my first language so if you find any mistakes in grammar, spelling, ... or-what-so-ever, either ignore it or mail me constructive critics. And, to say it with the words with Monty Python´s Holy Grail:
GET ON WITH IT!
28. September
Finally managed to restore our basement; quite a miracle after the last explosion. One big hail to our rock-foundations. Just inaugurating our black-magic-lab. Alchemist what-so-ever (Forgot his name. Again) requests a procedure to improve our banning-cursing-control-thingy. I don´t mind. Alucard not been happy about that, but is in a bad mood anyway. Pissed Walter off and got chased around the whole house. Lost his left underarm. Memo to myself: Avoid Alucard today. Walter´s still furious, that kid is scarying me. Memo to myself: Avoid Walter, too. Celebrated the inauguration with sparkling wine. 2 bottles. Not taking part into the experiment today, being rather occupied with the decomposing of alcohol.
29. September, Monday
Black-Magic-Experiment totally screwed. Alucard looks like a little girl now. And resulting is pissed off really bad. Memo: Check the equipment in the bomb-shelter. Walter laughed his head off. For 14 ½ minutes. (In a row.)
Then he cooled down. Offered to braid Alucard´s hair. I´ve never seen the boy running so fast in my entire life. Whiskey: I choked on it. In the evening Alucard had braids though. With little pink ribbons.
30. September, Tuesday
Once again pretty stormy weather today. Sergerant Mills slipped on the stairs, a nice thigh break-through. Whiskeys being dry today, stupid irony. Memo to myself: Beat up the cook. Supper tasted today like my tennis-shoe. Apropos, I lost mine. In my library. Memo: Have Walter clean up the library. Just regocnising that I´ve forgotten to close the window in my working suite. The indish monsuun is a shit against my persian carpet. Memo: Tell Walter to get new buckets, we´ve run out. Nothing more happened.
01. October, Wednesday I guess
Beat up the cook, was fun. Working suite still submerged, forgot to close the window yesterday. I know, my fault. Send Alucard with a Get-Well-Soon-Card to Mills in hospital (forced the team to sign it). Mills is now in a comatic stadium. Was I supposed to notice something when I saw the giant paw-tracks in my garden? Probably, but it´s too late now. Memo: Fire the gardener, all my plants are screwed. Been yelling on Alucard since (just to mention he´s still in pre-puberterian state) He and Walter are inseparable now. Walter just gave me the daily paper-things to sign. I really should start to read them now, I got an abonnement for the cosmopolitan now. Unable to cancel it. Damn! Memo: Beat the crap out of Walter and Alucard. Whiskey today excellent. Memo: Beat up the cook, it seems to have success.
03. October... ? idunno
Woke up 2 pm with a meeeeeeean hangover. In my bath-tub.Memo: Go out with Islands more often.Yesterday seems to be, ... well gone, doesn´t matter. Walter has cleaned up the library, Alucard´s beaten up the cook, I´m having Filét Mignon today and the cosmo is not that bad after all. Especially the pictures... Whiskey seems...thick. Memo: Visit the doc. Walter has made himself quite homely at the basement. Never mind.
04. October ...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhh
Been at the doc´s. Memo: Have Alucard scare the hell out of the doc. Feelin quite crappy, must have eaten two graters in my sleep. Cook terminated today. Don´t understand, food was fine last days. Forced Walter to cook. Wasn´t too bad after all, I just happened to find Alucard´s middle finger in my soup. Memo: Buy a new set of knives and forbid Alucard by all he worships never to put a foot into the kitchen again. Whiskey was alright (after those soup)
05.October Friday or kinda off...
Came back to my senses around half past twelve. In my closet. In lady´s underwear. Memo: Forget Islands, Penwood´s my new boozing-buddy. Seem to have annoyed Alucard and/or Walter. All my suits are ruined, we got soap instead of tooth-paste and all we´ve got is alcohol FREE! Beer. I didn´t know something horrible even existed. By the way, Lieutenant Ford is having a before-wedding party at Hellsing´s. Poltern at Hellsing´s..oh great! (author speaks: „polterabend" is a german tradition. A couple of days before a wedding a bunch of family members, friends, acquaintances and people alike come to the future home of the future married, having a party and whack lots of china on the floor and the bride and the groom have to clean it up. Summary: go to a party, free alcohol, wreck dishes and let someone other clean up the mess you created. Mulitply that by the number of guests and you have the hell of a party.) I didn´t know he was engaged.. I didn´t know he had a girlfriend...quite suprising, I guess. I found two toes in my pudding.Whiskey gross... I found dog hair at the bottom of the bottle. Goin´pukin´. Just found out that it´s NOT funny being locked up at the toilet, fire alarms is yelling, you smell smoke and someone is singin´the Guy- Fawkes-Song. I begged Walter to forgive me, promised him a blanco-cheque for his new room and even promised Alucard to screw up the alchemist who´s responsible for that bloody experiment. Found out he did already. Made Ford cleanin´it up. Ordered Dinner from the chinese´s place. Yummy.
06. October, Tuesday..perhaps?
Was having dinner vegetarian-style. Satisfiyng. Alucard requested a new weapon, the tommy gun is just too much space-taking. Granted him to get an equal one. When it´s invented. Which I doubt to happen during my lifetime. Sergeant Mills woke up from coma, send Walter this time with a card. Should I have noticed that this „Walter" was having fangs and red eyes? Well..who cares now. Mills went on vacation. On Hawaii. Walter explained Alucard that that´s an island. Surrounded by water. Flowing water. Alucard´s been quite irritated whole day long. Gave him the chemistry-set the alchemist cough forgot . My aunt Rosie had birthday yesterday. Pretended to have the Plague. Grand-Uncle Willy´s birthday is next month, planning to be suprisingly ill that day. Penwood in important Navy-Meeting today. Damn it!
07. October
Which fucking idiot gave Aluvard a fucking chemistry-set! Got the hell of a crater in my entrance hall. Can spit on people´s heads from my music suite. Which I exactly did all day long. Forbid Alucard to ever approach explosive chemicals again. Then he looked at me. And I´m off boozing with Islands. Somehow landed on a ship in the middle of the themse. Swam to coast. Noticed at home that I left Islands behind. Who cares anyway?
08. October
Send Alucard to get a haircut. Know now what that „explosive" on spray cans means. Told Walter he should stop smoking in my working suite. He answered if I´d ever to work in here he´ll think over it. Bein´worried, that kid is spending way too much time with Alucard. Am I wrong or is he wearing kajal last days? Just received the bill from the hairdresser, now goin´ roar with Alucard.
Wasn´t able to find Alucard, this guy can walk thorugh solid walls after all. Whiskey run out, had three rage attacks, then was having kognac. We´re now run out of that too. I´m seeing everything four times at the same time now.
09. October
Just back from big operation. No casulties except my dignity. Memo to myself: If Alucard does that ever again I´ll send him to the vatican. In pink bra and thong. And let him dance the cán-cán right before the pope. And if Walter mentions that story ever again, he´s accompaining Alucard. In black varnish boots. With soooooooo big soles attached to them. Goin´get reeeeeeeeally drunk now. Where´s Penwood when you need him?
Shelby-boy and I were just that close to get rolled over by a tank. Nothing further happened.
10. October
Today´s polterabend for Lt. Ford.Seen his fiancée. Understand now why he´s rather having party with soldiers and ballistic experts than with the family.I smashed mother´s best china. Never mind. Didn´t know Ford could dance samba. Didn´t know either that my secretary was taking go-go lessons. Send Alucard and Walter to bed, that´s not quite suitable for kids. Noticed later that red ..stuff was leaking of the walls. Bad. And that we have to get the drinks by themselves. Worse. Was funny anyway. Whiskey was like ..bile. Still thursty. Forced Islands to come over with a few more drinks. And then kept him from leaving.
11. October
Having still party. Or again. We forgot we did already. Memo: Never drink alcohol out of strange black bottles with signs on it in a language you don´t kow. Force Islands to do that. Been seein´purple pixies at every corner. Annoying. Wanted to go to bed. Noticed that the infernal duo (a.k.a. Walter and Alucard) were having a private party last night. My pillow is soaked with alcoholic substances. There are bottles all over, under and in my mattress. And they both were drunken till the edge. Alucard explained I hadn´t said which bed. Forced him to clean the mess up. And Walter to drive the guests home. Maybe it wasn´t the best idea to send a 13 year old in a rolls royce to drive all over London to get a bunch of drunken idiots into their beds. Memo: Buy myself a motorcycle. Been looking at the leftovers from the party. Memo: Never, never-ever-ever let Alucard alone with a broom and a dustpan. Whiskey disgusting, found pieces of the party in it.
13. October
Everything´s coming to normal. Step by step. Still more than the half of the staff is signed ill. Inclusive myself.
Islands came to mock over my behaving. Puked in front of his feet and lost concious. Devil alcohol. Walter´s spending really too much time with Alucard. A boy at his age should be having other friends than a bloody vampire. Then remembered that other boys are not member of Hellsing Organisation,not my butler, not called „Angel of Death" and certainly not able to slice vampires into discs. Never mind. Besides, he´s signed ill, too. Gonna visit him, never did since .. I don´t remember. Got lost in the basement, saw the fattest spider in my life and fought with some rats. Walter´s still suffering from the private party. Been lookin´at his room. Walls all black, books of Poe and Stoker..and the fact that only one wall is seperating him from Alucard (though it´s several feet thick and out of massive rocks) is making me quite worried. Memo: Get the poor boy some crucifixes and holy water. Didn´t touch the whiskey today, still over 3,5 promilles.
14. October
A brass band must have been in my head for last night. Booya. Walter and Alucard are now gambling who´s better at „Scarying-the hell-out-of-hellsing-soldiers". I personally would have favoured Alucard. And would have lost. Wonder where Walter got all those sceletons. And don´t want to know really. End of story: 3 heart attacks, 4 crying mercenaries and 2 laughing-themselves-to-death teenagers. Told the two to annoy anyone else. Regretted that heavily. Veeeeeeery heavily. Now sleepin´with loaded pistol under my pillow. Whiskey shallow.
15. October
Alucard and Walter still gambling. Told them to stop when Walter had to attend work in a french maid´s outfit. Soldiers recovered fine, just some nervous twitches left. Islands been around today. Looked at Walter in a strange way. Alucard beat the crap out of him. Atta boy. Gone drinkin´again with Shelby-boy. Dragging Islands with us.
Woke up in Cambridge. With Shelby-boy. Without Islands. Joined Greenpeace. With Shelby-boy. Without Islands. No whiskey at Greenpeace, vegetable alcohol. (whisper vodka) The world is spinning around way too fast. And in the false direction.
16. October
Sunny day, great weather. And I´m locked up here inside with the work of two weeks to go through. Been able to see Alucard and Walter from my window. Fuck those days off. And that I´m already through with mine. The two were driving around on my harley in the frontyard. Not quite fond of that. Alucard insisted on steering. Getting worried. Almost rolled over Ford. I love those two! Then they were playing soccer in the garden. Wonder were they got the ball, this is a military organistaion for killing vampires after all. Suddenly noticed that Alucard was some kind of short and that the „ball" had a face and let a bloody trail behind itself. Started yellin´at those, then opened the window and kept on yellin´for 10 minutes. Then Islands walked in. Yelled at him instead. Whiskey: cracked the glass in my fist. Despite shattered glass and blodd on my tongue still enjoyable.
17. October
Got a postcard from Mills. He´s having a great time o vacation and writes that he wishes the same for us. Was that close to put Alucard and coffin in a plane, but then didn´t do it. Employed a new gardener. At the sight of my lawn he fainted. Maybe I should have let someone take care of the blood there. Ilsands pissed, asking myself why. Didn´t see Alucard today yet. Alright. But...I haven´t seen Walter today either. Wonder if that´s only a coincidence... Unusual that silence, no breaking dishes, no screaming soldiers, no threatful sounds at all, and no Walter chasing Alucard and yelling untellable things at him. Wonder where the boy gets those expressions. Looked at my last speech for our „round table". Not wondering anymore. Gone playin´ scrabble with the team. I won. Of course, guess who´s name is on their paycheques. Whiskey´s pretty nice, goin´to play monopoly with Shelby-boy, Islands and Ford..
Lost against Ford...guess who´s now cleanin´up after Alucard.
18. October
Ford married today. Positive he´s on honeymoon. In Sibiria. Negative I lost my clean-up-man. Don´t care. Islands´s in my bureau, telling me I ignored 2 meetings and 17 memos. That´s wrong. I didn´t ignored that memos. I used them as firelighters for my cigarettes. And then remembered that I don´t smoke at all. Burned the memos anyway. Bein´ around with Shelby-boy again. Woke up at Madame Tussaud´s this time. In the middle of the declaration of independence. Told Walter to pick me up. And bring pants for me with him. And for Shelby-boy. Been scaring school children on excursion in the meantime. Whiskey boring, I shoul beat up the coo... oh. I should hire one first.
19. October
The day started with an explosion. How only did I knew that was having something to do with Alucard? Called him into my office. Listened to his story. Then called Walter and listened to how it really was. All in all. Flour-Dust-Explosion. Memo to myself: Who needs a cook when you don´t have a kitchen anymore? I certainly don´t. Yellin´at Alucard what he was doin´in the kitchen anyway. Then yelled again because I forbade him that anyway. He countered he wasn´t supposed to put a foot in the kitchen, I said never anything about paws. He should get rid of that sarcasm, that´s driving me crazy. Took all of duties off Walter and made him a warden for Alucard 24/7.Seen Alucard smirking after that. Poor boy.
20. October
Islands sucks, I beat him up. Just because I can. Operation today, nothing happened. Doubt that these bloodstains will ever get washed ut of my suit again. Wonder how Alucard does that. Then remembered that he´s Alucard and stopped questioning. New meeting for the „round table" next friday. I just have to know what day it is today... Memo: Let Walter get us a calendar. Been with my workers (restoring kitchen and crater) during lunchtime. Result: Bratwurst tastes great, so does german beer. I´m gonna put that on my food list. When I have a cook. Who I´m going to employ when I got a kitchen... Been in boozing-mood. Hanging around with Shelby-boy and Islands.
Woke up in St. Paul´s Cathedral. Funny. Islands married a guard from Buckingham Palace. Even more funny. I´ve converted to the islam religion. Strange. Shelby-boy´s a buddha-guy now. Really fun. Found the hand of a monkey in my pocket, disgusting. Gave it to alucard so he has something to play with...well..helikes it. Whiskey´s tasting like vanille-pudding now. I overdid it.
21. October
Seen Alucard on sugar rush today. I´m goin´on vacation tomorrow. On a distant, DISTANT island in the carribbean sea. Surrounded my lots and lots of floaty-floating water. Walter promoted to butler. Wasn´t he exactly that before...I don´t wanna think of that. Thinking of Walter, he´s becoming quite a goth last time. Black clothes, black hair, black make-up and he´s 99 percent of his time with an undead person. If he asks me for a coffin now, Alucard´s so fuckin´screwed. If he thinks I didn´t notice that marks on Walter´s neck, he´s sooooooo wrong. Ouch! Just cut mayself with this fucking paper. Why is Alucard staring at me? I´m off. Aloha ohoh or something. Not drinkin´today, gotta catch my plane.
22.October
Kreat is beautiful.I love the Carribbean. Just where are all the funny inhabitants with their raffia skirts and coconuts? Here are only goats. And I didn´t know that the aigais was in the vicinity of Port Nassau. Feelin´bad right now..how could I leave poor Walter with all this mess behind? Called Shelby-boy to get me back.
Shelby just arrived, talked him into drinking competition with some ouzo. He won. Barely. And off we go!
So strangely we landed in England anyway.Shelby-boy´s a prett good pilot. For nearly 4 promilles. Decided to keep the helicopter, I better not give it back in that shape. Feelin´t the urge to whistl innocently. Hitchhhiking back to headquarter, took me 4 hours. But I´ve only been in one suburb of London.
To my great surprise is the house still standing. And only three windows are smashed. No one even noticed I was gone. Fuck them all. Gone drinkin´with Islands, Shelby-boy´s still pissed because of the helicopter.
Woke up in house of Parliaments. Islands was wearing the wig of that boss there and I had the hat of the queen on my head. I thin we´re in trouble. Tiptoed out through the back door. Forgt Islands. Oops. If someone asks I stand under some side effects of my jetlag. Goin´back to headquarter´s , damn those high heels. And the fucking yellow dress.
23. October
Found out that tights don´t really seem to fit me. Islands neither. Operation today, stayed at home. Wise decision. Alucard decided on the way back that he would find out how to drive an army- truck. With passengers still inside. I got Walter a pay rise – for logic use of his mind in extreme danger situation. He just bolted through the window. I´m gonna need a bunch of plasters for him, for the others it´s a lifetime therapy. I got the plasters, screw the psychologist. Let Alucard swear to never drive a truck again.Never. And if the hell freezes and Jesus Christ is goin´for a lapdance in a nigthgown then still he´s still not to do it. And if I get really drunk and forgot what I just said and allow him to drive a truck, then still not.Goin´hidin´inside my closet, the traffic inspector is coming. Whiskey´s okay, just a bit old. No wonder, it´s from my secret closet-hide-out-emergency-boozing-hide-out. Arranged in 1935.
24. October
Bein´stiff today after hiding for 4 ½ hours inside my closet. Traffic inspector´s really stubborn. Hid another 2 hours under my desk. Luckily for me he´s very shortsighted, too. Feelin´muscles I even didn´t dare to fear I might got them. Alucard´s in an excellent mood today, wonder why. Had a look into Walter´s calendar, Halloween´s next week. Was just on my way to the airport when I received a letter from the Queen. Invitation to a royal ball on All Hallow´s Eve. So long and good night. It says that I´m allowed to come in company, plus a guest also with company. Short considered of dragging Islands in a pink dress all the way, just to see what´ll happen. Reminded me somehow of my last experience in the House of Parliaments. I think I won´t do it. And I guess he´ll be invited, too, so I have to think of something else. My guest is Walter, he has to go around with people that are not dead for quite a while, veterans of all kinds of war or fuckin´alchemists. Well, I dunno if the royal family is any better, but I can´t imagine an alternative right now. Didn´t touch my whiskey today, red gloo in it. Goin´to beat the crap out of Alucard. And walter along. Something tells me he´s not quite innocent referring to that. Namely his knowing smile and the certain look in his eyes.
25. October
Been thraetening the infernal duo to coem to ball with me if they screw anything up this week. And if they´re behaving really stupid I´m choicing their costumes. Say Goldlocks or Cinderella.Or a pink bunny and Little Red Riding Hood. Alucard´s now somehow even paler than usual. Has decided to lock himself up in his coffin to prevent him from doin´anything stupid. And took Walter along. Should that make me think? It should but I don´t mind. Shelby-boy´s cooled off now, it´s goin´to be a smashing night.
Come to my senses in an airplane. Destnation: Rio de Janeiro. Passagiers: Islands, Shelby-Boy, myself, the traffic inspector(?), Shelby again (?) and two mexicans having a siesta. Packings: 2 boxes of sparkling wine, 2 barrels of beer, 3 goats and SHELBY ONCE AGAIN? We didn´t land in Brazil though, we ended up in Leeds. Eternal Damnation to that man who invented maps. Goin´to drink myself into coma.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Thanks to FlareReynolds for my first review, to VamHex for reviewing twice and to Theonlysaya for reviewing and make my story a fav. Love you guys, das Tintenschwert.