Another Chance
"You're a danged fool." Matt Dillon could hear Doc's long
ago words as clearly as if the old man were standing beside him on Front
Street.
"Maybe you're right, Doc," he thought to himself as he looked
up at the window of the Dodge House. Even from that distance, the
flickering gaslight clearly illuminated the tears brimming in Kitty
Russell's beautiful sapphire eyes.
Twelve years had passed since they had been together, twelve
years since he had touched her, held her in his arms.
With a last glance at the window, the former marshal turned and
tiredly walked away, toward the south and out of town. His thoughts
tossed about in his mind as directionless as tumbleweeds across the
darkened Kansas prairie.
She said she never wanted to see me again. But she came back
to Dodge when she heard I'd been stabbed. Yeah, but she said they didn't
expect me to live. Maybe she came back to see me dead. She's laid
down the rules, doesn't want to be friends. Maybe I was a fool not to try
to stop her, but I had no right. I still have no right. Even if she
will talk to me...what is there to say? It's been too long. There's no
chance for us anymore. Maybe there never was. But, she did say she'd
wait...maybe...just maybe.
Not certain if he felt better or worse about the decision he
had made, Matt Dillon slowly retraced his steps back to Front Street. As
he reached the corner, he saw Kitty coming through the front door of the
Dodge House. He stopped at the edge of the boardwalk and watched
her. She was still so beautiful, so graceful as she crossed the street.
Kitty saw him and walked quickly toward the corner where he
still stood, unsure whether to move toward her or not.
"Matt...Matt...I was afraid you had left," she said as she
approached him.
"I wasn't sure you'd still want...things didn't work...what
with Mannon turning up. Kitty, I'm sorry...that's not the way it was
supposed to be," he stammered. "And I'm sorry I wasn't here to
protect you...one more time," he added in a voice so low he might have been
talking to himself.
But Kitty heard and looked up--straight into his uncertain
eyes. "It wasn't your fault, Matt. And it's not important now," she
responded quietly.
He looked at her closely in the lamplight. "It is to me," he
answered softly. "Are you all right? Did he hurt you?"
"He felt compelled to knock me around a bit...for old time's
sake, I suppose, but I'm fine. I'm glad he's dead, Matt, but I hated seeing
you in danger one more time. I guess some things never get any
easier."
An unaccustomed awkward silence fell between them for a minute,
neither certain what to say or do next.
"Kitty..." he began.
"Matt..." she began at the same time. "Go ahead; you first,"
she smiled.
"Kitty, I was wonderin'...can we go some place to talk?"
"Of course; I was hoping to have a chance to talk with you
before I leave."
"When are you leaving?"
"I...I'm not sure," she answered. "Come on; Hannah's
completely remodeled the upstairs of the Long Branch, except for my
old room. For some reason, she left it just the way it was. I've been
staying in it while I'm in town. We can talk there."
As they entered the familiar old room, memories came flooding
back. They stood looking silently at each other for several moments,
each lost in remembrances too sweet, emotions too raw to be spoken.
Finally and reluctantly breaking the silence, Kitty linked her
arm through Matt's and led him toward the settee. "Buy you a drink?" she
asked in what she could only hope was a normal voice.
"Sounds good," he agreed.
Kitty poured two snifters of her favorite Napoleon brandy from
the bottle on the table. "So...how've you been, Cowboy...aside from the
last three weeks?" she asked as she handed one of the glasses to Matt
and sat down beside him on the settee.
"I've been good, Kitty, real good. I fish whenever I want to
and I trap whenever I need to," he said and stopped.
"That's it; that's all?" she asked incredulously. "Twelve
years of your life summed up in two sentences?"
"Well, I haven't exactly kept a daily journal just in case I
ran into you again," he teased.
"As a conversationalist you're still hopeless," she laughed.
"Let's try this...you said you wanted to talk. What's going on in
that slightly graying head of yours?"
"God...you are so beautiful," he blurted, startling them both.
Matt could feel his face turning warm, but figured he might as well
keep going and get it over with. "Kitty, I...unh...I've made a lot of
mistakes over the years, but this one was...the...most costly. I
should have stopped...should have tried to stop you...from leaving. But I
had no right to ask you to stay, to try to keep you here. Not a day has
passed that I haven't thought about you. I dream about you, Kitty,
and I miss you...I've missed you every day...and every night...for twelve
years," he finished softly.
Kitty reached for his big, work-roughened hand and threaded her
fingers through his. "I'm not sure it would have made any difference,
Matt. I was so angry with you I'm not sure I would have stayed if you
had begged me to."
"Kitty...that's what I wanted to ask you. I've always
wondered...what did I do that made you so mad? What did I do wrong?"
"Oh, Matt, you didn't do anything wrong! I never intended for
you to think that! I hated you for doing your job and for getting shot
again. I was so afraid you were going to get killed and leave me...I
convinced myself if I left you before that could happen...it, it
wouldn't hurt as much. And so I went away to forget you, to get you
out of my system. I wanted to go where I could meet other men, men who
weren't drovers and sodbusters and buffalo hunters, and I wanted out
of this damned dusty cow town."
"I wanted the bright lights and excitement of the big city.
They don't come much bigger and brighter than New Orleans. And the freight
business my father had started was still there. It was floundering,
so I thought the challenge of getting it going again would keep me busy
for a while. As a business woman, I met a lot of men...prominent men,
rich men, influential men. They were more than willing..."
"Kitty, you don't have to tell me this," Matt interrupted
softly, "we've never needed explanations."
"This time we do, Matt. I have to tell you, and I want to.
The men were more than willing to show me those bright lights, and it was
exciting...for a while. I dated them; I dined with them; I drank
with them and I danced with them. I tried, I honestly tried to love..."
"Kitty..."
She pressed her fingers against his lips. "Please let me
finish, Matt. I tried to love another man, other men, but I couldn't. Not
one man in the entire city of New Orleans could hold a candle to you. Not
one could wipe you out of my mind. And so when the dining and dancing
ended, they took me home and left me at the door. And I went upstairs
to bed alone. There's not been another man since you, Matt."
His penetrating eyes searched hers, and he knew she spoke the
truth. Still watching her intently, he asked, "If you felt like that,
why didn't you come back?"
She smiled a sardonic smile. "Pride mostly, and the freight
business was taking off nicely. So I carved out a comfortable niche
for myself. John Chapman has become my dearest friend and ready escort
for any social events I need to attend. He loves me and wants to marry
me, but he knows that can never happen...and he knows why. I don't have
to pretend with him. He knows I can never love him as more than a dear,
sweet friend who was there for me when I needed someone. He doesn't
pressure me, not only because he's a gentleman, but also because he
likes and respects you. Thanks to him, I've managed to be somewhat
content.
Then Newly sent the telegram saying you and been stabbed and
might not live, and my world started to spin. My head didn't want to
come here, but nothing on God's earth could have kept my heart away."
"That's it; I've said it all, Matt, except that I'm so very,
very sorry...sorry for all the years we've lost."
Matt and Kitty gazed into the clear blue depths of each other's
eyes, apologies silently made and accepted, the long years that had
separated them melting away in the tender warmth of their smiles.
Surprisingly, Matt was the first to break the silence. "It's
kind of strange how it seems so right to be in this room...to be here with
you again after all these years."
"There's a multitude of memories within these four walls,"
Kitty commented, "most of them good. Oh, we had our moments..."
"Yeah...'member the fight we had cause I had to go to Topeka
and couldn't take you to the Ford County Sociable...how you kept yanking
dresses out of your closet and yelling at me that they weren't just
dresses to you..."
Kitty laughed at the memory, "That was definitely one of our
all-time worst fights. Remember the time you came up here in the
middle of the night to get me to help you with that crazy Cara?"
"I still say it was 9:00 in the morning, not exactly the
middle of the night," he shot back.
"Well in those days, that was the middle of the night to me,"
she insisted.
Long ago memories continued to bubble from their newly awakened
senses. Their mood was light and playful and as the teasing banter
continued, their hands touched; his arm slid across her shoulders;
she slapped him playfully on the thigh. Neither was aware that the years
had disappeared and they were becoming young lovers once again.
"And there was the night you fell asleep after dinner and kind
of thwarted my plans for the evening. I was pretty mad at you that time,
too. And remember when Doc let you stay up here so I could take care
of you after Mace Gore tore up Dodge...and you. I loved that...the part
about taking care of you, I mean."
"We had a lot of wonderful years, Kitty, or at least I did. I
always thought you enjoyed them, too," Matt remarked thoughtfully.
Then excitedly, "Hey, think way back...'member the night I asked you to be
my girl?"
"Of course I remember, Matt; a girl's not likely to forget
something like that." Kitty's light mood shifted suddenly to serious
and she looked steadily into Matt's eyes. "I'm not exactly a girl any
more, but I'm still yours, Cowboy...that is...if you still want me."
Without hesitation, Matt's arm tightened across her shoulders
and his other arm went around her waist as he pulled her into his chest.
He pressed a tender kiss on her lips before dropping his face into the
soft curve of her neck. Drawing a shaky breath, he whispered, "This is
what I've wanted to do ever since I opened my eyes in Doc's old office,
but I was...afraid. I was afraid you'd...push me away. Oh, God, I do want
you, Kitty, like I've never wanted anything before in my life, but are
you sure? The other day you said..."
"Never mind what I said the other day." Kitty's arms reached
around his back in an effort to nestle even closer into his embrace.
"Kiss me, Matt...please...really kiss me."
"With pleasure," he murmured against her lips as he lifted her
across his lap. He bent his head down to hers and covered her mouth
with a warm, slow kiss that quickly gave way to the passion each had
so long been denied. Holding her close, his large, incredibly gentle
hands moved with tantalizing slowness over the thin fabric covering her
breasts and stomach. He worked to relax his breathing. "Kitty," he
began in a voice husky with desire. "Kitty...I've never wanted you
more than I do right now, but I...I need to ask you again...are you
positive you want to do this?"
Kitty stood, taking his hand and pulling him up with her.
Pressing her body tight against his, her hands caressed the hard
length of his thighs. Sliding her hands to his waistband, she reached inside
for his shirttail and answered softly, "Matt, I've spent twelve years
wishing for one more night in your arms. No way am I going to let
this chance pass me by. Trust me; I've never been more positive of
anything in my life."
The sweet, soft flush of total satisfaction lingered on Kitty
Russell's lovely face. Not quite fully awake, she smiled sleepily as
snippets of her dream returned. Warm lips brushed the top of her bare
breast where it peeked from beneath the sheets. Now fully aware that
her "dream" had been very real, she turned and looked straight into
Matt Dillon's smiling blue eyes.
"Mornin' sweetheart," he whispered as he gathered her close into his embrace. His easy use of that old familiar morning ritual brought loving tears to her eyes.They lay motionless and speechless for several long moments, each basking in the love and
heady passion they had just shared.
"I...I don't know quite what to say, Matt," Kitty began almost
shyly.
"Whatever you say, please don't say you're sorry," was Matt's
quiet plea.
"Unh, unh, not a chance. Believe me, 'sorry' is definitely not
one of the words I had in mind. Last night was incredible, Matt. You
were incredible."
He looked at her with that little-boy smile she always found so
irresistible. "You mean not too bad for an old broken-down former
marshal?"
"You, Matt...old, broken-down? Never!"
"Well...I couldn't have done it without you, you know," he
grinned. "You were a real inspiration to me."
They lay quietly, touching, sharing tender kisses, enjoying the
pure pleasure of being together again. As Kitty's slender hands moved
over his broad back, she traced the scars of old wounds...bullets,
knives, an arrow...she knew each one so well, had memorized its
contours and its significance long ago. Leaning away a bit, her hands
continued their exploration over his still muscular chest. Here, too, was
further evidence of his long years as a lawman. Again, her fingers traced
each scar, but stopped to tenderly concentrate on two in particular. One
so near his heart, faded and smooth now...the one that had sent her
away. The other, low on his side, ugly and raw...the one that had brought her
back.
Tears formed again as she realized how much she loved this
man...scars and flaws and all...all that this man meant to her and all
that she had allowed to slip away.
Matt felt the warm tears on his chest. "What's wrong
sweetheart? Are you all right?"
"No, I'm not all right. This is what I wanted, Matt, and I'm
not one bit sorry, but what happens now; what's next? Matt, I don't know
how to leave you again. I'm not even sure I can."
"I've been thinkin' about that, too. I don't want to spend any
more of my life without you. Come back to the high country with me,
Kitty."
Her hand, now entwined in his thick curls, stopped in mid-
caress. "Matt, do you realize what you just said? Are you serious?"
"Kitty, all I realize is that I love you...I've always loved
you. Even when I was afraid to tell you, that didn't mean you didn't have
my heart. Kitty, let me tell you something. I told you my life's been
good the last twelve years, and that's true. But it's been empty,
too. You're what's been missing. I need you in my life, Kitty...and I want
you there."
"Oh, Matt, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said," she
smiled up at him through her tears. "I've always known you loved me, but
it's still nice to hear it every once in a while."
Matt shifted his position slightly to lay his cheek against
hers and noticed, thanks to the angle of the late morning sun as it
hop-scotched across the room, the purple bruise along her jaw. His
fingers reached out and gently skimmed the swollen skin. "Mannon?" he
asked softly.
"Yeah, but don't worry about it," she replied as she burrowed
her face into his hand.
"But I have to worry about it...and a lot of other things.
Don't you understand, Kitty? It's because of Mannon and others like him
that I've always tried to keep you a secret, separate part of my life.
Even now I can't...I can't promise that you'll be safe. There will always
be men gunnin' for me. And they'll try to use you to get to me. But I
think you'll be safer in the high country than any place else."
"You're kidding, right? Just what would I do in a cabin in the
mountains with bears and wolves and coyotes for neighbors?
Yeah, that sure sounds like my kind of place."
"Well, I'd be there, too, Kitty."
"Matt, I love you; I adore you, but I just don't think the
high country is the place for me. How far is it to civilization? Do you
even have indoor plumbing?"
"Well...no, but I'd try to get it up there for you. And it's
just a two-day ride into Pueblo. There's a general store there now
and..."
"Of course, Pueblo, the booming metropolis of the Rockies!
Matt, do you realize how horrible this sounds to me?"
"I'm sorry, Kitty. I'm only trying to figure out a way to be
with you and to keep you safe."
"I know, and I'm sorry I made fun of your plan, but really,
Matt! Please stop worrying about my safety and start thinking about
us...about our happiness. What about New Orleans? You could go back with me."
"And just what would I do in New Orleans…besides stand out
like a sore thumb, I mean?"
"Well, you could become a riverboat gambler or...you
could...work for me," she offered tentatively.
"Kitty...Kitty," he began, but his throat tightened and he
could go no farther.
"I know, Matt; I know. You'd be as miserable in New Orleans as
I'd be in Colorado," she said with a sob. "It's as if we're not
supposed to be together."
"I'm beginning to think that, Kitty. When I woke up the other
day and saw you here, I had thought...had hoped...but...there's no chance
for..."
Kitty's hand quickly covered his mouth to stop him. "Don't say
it, Matt! Think! There is a way. Where did we meet? Where have we
spent most of our lives?"
"What are you saying, Kitty? That you want to live in Dodge?"
he asked somewhat incredulously. In this 'damned dusty cow town' I
believe was the way you put it."
She laughed, "I know it sounds crazy, but why not? We still
have friends here. We were happy here. I can live here if you can,
Cowboy."
"Well, now, let's see...I still have that property Jake Worth
gave me. I could build a house and barn, put up some fences, get me a
couple good breed horses..."
"Matt...Matt, this can work, can't it?
He turned her in his arms so that each could see the love and
trust reflected in the clear blue depths of the other's eyes.
"It'll work, sweetheart...it'll work just fine," he answered,
as his mouth covered hers with a kiss that promised just that...and so
much more.
The afternoon sun was high overhead when Matt and Kitty walked
out the front door of the Long Branch, heading for Delmonico's.
As they stepped off the boardwalk and into the street, Kitty
said, "Hmmm...smell that air, Matt."
"Somethin' different?" he asked
Kitty tilted her head up to him and smiled. "Dodge
City...home," she answered.
(These last lines are paraphrased from "The Badge," 1970)