A/N: Hello, out there! Yoo-hoo! Is anybody there? Yes? Good. My name is Cassy. Pleasure to meet you. This is mine and Artsysmiles's story, thought up on a caffeine high. I'm sure we both hope you like it.
Disclaimer: Excuse me? Who said anything about OWNING Naruto? We're here to make fun of Naruto. There is a difference, Mona mi.
Dear Sasuke,
So, you're dead. The ANBU found your body near Mizu, somewhere near where you were last spotted, or something. They don't know who killed you yet—some people say it was one of your teammates (probably the Suigetsu guy. Don't jump with joy that I know your teammates' names, though I doubt you'd 'jump for joy' over anything, I found out during the announcement), while others say it was hunter nin going after another one of said teammates. All we know is that the killer wasn't from Leaf.
Naruto is mourning. Can you believe that? He's probably the only person who's sad over your death. Well, maybe Kakashi is too, but he doesn't show it. He's smart like that.
Me? Well, I'm writing letters to a dead guy, aren't I? Tsunade-shishou says that I'm just 'suppressing my feelings' and whatnot. Um…
So, she's ordering me to go to therapy (ACK. I THINK YOU NEED THERAPY MORE THAN I DO, MANIAC VILLAGE-BROTHER HATER.), and writing letters is supposed to 'help' me recover from the shock. What shock? You're DEAD. If anything, this letter writing is making me even CRAZIER.
…Not that I was crazy in the first place. Ahem.
Oh, and did you notice? No -kun! I finally got over you. Applause, please.
Anyway.
Nobody misses you (besides Naruto, and, like I said, Kakashi, and MAYBE ME, I DON'T KNOW YET), and if you thought they would, you were sadly mistaken. In fact, there is a party going on next weekend in honour of the (FINALLY) Death of Uchiha.
(That (FINALLY) thing? That was on the banner. I'd tell you that you are unloved, but I think you already knew that.)
Ino-pig is even going. I doubt you remember her, though. She was the president of the fan club you used to have. (Key words: used to.) You probably remember her better as 'the annoying Yamanaka girl'.
Considering this, I bet you called me 'annoying Haruno girl' when you talked about me in your diary. (A DIARY. I can't believe I wrote that. UCHIHA SASUKE HAS A DIARY. HA.)
I wish you could answer this or something. You'd probably gape at the letter like a fish, or something, because of how I am totally PWNING YOU via letter-form.
(CAN you even gape like a fish? Your expression always seems to be on 'default', so I'm just wondering…)
Okay, so now I am going to bore you to death over the social/love lives of all the people of Konoha (or, rather, the only ones that I care about). Ahem…
Ino-pig is ABSOLUTELY FINE, thank you for asking. After a whole catfight with Temari, Shikamaru finally got the guts to tell her that he was only dating the Sand shinobi to make her jealous. She didn't take it all that well (well, for Ino I supposed she did—screaming at the boy for a full twenty minutes is getting off EASY), but they are now happily steady.
And get this: we now have a Scandalous!Naruto on our hands. You see, on a bet, Hinata finally told Naruto that she had loved him since the Academy (not that you care), and…well…
Let's just say they are in a very serious relationship. It's really sweet, actually. Naruto and Hinata go everywhere together, and they bask in each other's attention. But at night…
I caught them making out once. Ugh. SCARRED FOR LIFE.
You know, maybe I should start using THIS as my own diary. And like, put your name at the top. Bet you'd love THAT. Ha.
Where was I…oh yeah. People and their social lives. Neji and Tenten have this whole sexual tension thing going on. Like, they won't admit it, but you can totally tell the want to screw each other every minute they're together. You can feel it in the air.
(Well…not you; you don't have any hormones to speak of. You don't really count.)
Tsunade-shishou is up to her neck in paperwork (which, as a result, means that Shizune-san and I are up to our necks in paperwork), and Kakashi-sensei has a secret admirer. Can you believe that? I know who it is, and let me tell you, this is TOTALLY out of character for her. (I'm not telling Kaka-sensei yet, though. I like to see him squirm…)
Yamato-senpai (you know, the guy from the Sound base? Not the idiot that looks JUST LIKE YOU, which is just plain freaky, he's Sai, but the other one) is engaged too! With Shizune-senpai. And Sai is still a jackass, sort of like you were. (See? I've already come to terms with you being dead—the whole past tense thing, see?
…Yeah, whatever.)
Um, so wherever you are right now, I'm sure you're with a bunch of people. Like your family? I can't believe I'm writing this, but I'd be very happy if you and your family were finally reunited. (Bad Sakura. Too corny. Sasuke no likey, I'm sure.) If you see Hokage-sama, tell him I said hi! Oh, and if Orochimaru is there, punch him for me. If you see Jiraiya, yell 'PERVERT!' like a little girl.
(That whole paragraph up there? That was to LAUGH at you and your misfortune. HA.)
Ugh. My hand is cramping. Goodbye forever, bastard. (THE BASTARD. You totally deserved the title.)
LOVE (because you are never going to read this and I CAN),
Sakura
Sakura,
Glad to see you finally built your bridge and got over it. Although I must say, it did take you awhile. I mean, I was gone for about four years. And what were you doing? Training to impress me when I got back? I wish I could tell you who killed me – I can't, since you have so kindly pointed out that I am DEAD – but I was jumped from behind. In case you didn't know, that was SARCASM. (Suigetsu, eh? He was probably jealous of all the times people complimented my sexiness while he just got the cold shoulder. And like it's so surprising you knew his name; I know your teammates' names! Like, Soi, and…SixSix. See? It's not that hard.) I am most wanted in Leaf, you know. So I find it hard to believe that the killer wasn't from there.
Of course the dobe's mourning! His whole reason for getting strong enough to be Hokage is gone! And if someone as awesome as me died I'd be upset, too. Kakashi lives, eats, and breaths porn. I find 'smartness' to be evading him at times. Just buy him a box of Icha Icha Paradise; he'll be ok.
That'll go on your 'Stupid Things I've Done' list. Right next to fawning over a traitor. I find it strange that she thinks YOU'RE suppressing your feelings. You were the queen of emotion, after all. I think you need therapy, too (I HAD EVERY REASON TO HATE ITACHI! I do NOT need therapy.), and this is making you seem slightly off, if you get what I'm saying.
Yes, because stalking someone is so NOT crazy. Pfft.
Like I said before, glad to see you finally built your bridge – pause…wait for it… and got over it.
Nobody? I'm a thinking you spelled everybody wrong. (You know you miss being able to stare at this.) You must have been half asleep when writing this; it looks like you spelled 'everyone's really happy you're gone Sasuke'.
(You wound me to the quick, senor.)
Ino-pig…? Oh, wait, annoying Yamanaka girl! I remember her! …Ew. (It DISBANDED?! Does Itachi still have his? What about the Hyuuga? Or should I say Hyuugay…hehehe.)
Ah, annoying Haruno girl…back before I knew where all my underwear was disappearing to. Being stalked is a lot more fun when you don't know the person. But, yeah. (It was not a diary. It was my personal and private journal. …Crap.)
Uchiha's do not gape. We open our mouths and sound doesn't escape, but we. Do. Not. Gape. (My expression isn't on 'default'. It's on 'cool and aloof', or whatever you call it now.)
It's like, all the love and adoration was a lie. Otherwise you never would've brought up this crap.
I didn't ask, but, since you are OVER me, you wouldn't care. Catfights are stupid, unless they're being fought over me. (Screaming at him is getting off easy? Obviously you have no idea what Orochimaru's torture was like.)
How does that make Naruto scandalous? Wouldn't Hinata be the scandalous one, or are you saying that to get me riled up? (Because if so, then it's totally working.)
Serious, eh? You mean like 'Sweet in public' and in 'going at it like a couple of baby monkeys' in private? Because that doesn't seem to be Hinata's ninja way…it always seemed to be more of a 'faint whenever Naruto shows up' thing.
If you do that, I will lock you in a room with Jiraiya when he's happy. Keep that in mind.
Ah, UST . (Always fun if the feeling is reciprocated. So, has their UST been resolved yet? Like Naruto and Hinata's? Or are they just finding each other together in broom closets? Hyuugay…I didn't know you had it in you.
(I do too have hormones. As soon as Itachi was gone I was gonna be knocking up you girls like a rabbit! People would pay big money to see that, too.)
Good for her (HA! Hokage's pet!) and who would like and/or admire that pervert? Is it Anko? Because I always thought she'd be good for him, whoop his butt into shape. Or is it KURENAI?! Oh, she's with team 8's dead sensei, isn't she. (Good. Get back at him for the bell test that we all failed.)
Who? Oh, him. (Puh-leaze! He looks nothing like me! Sasuke: gorgeous. Soi: cheap imitation. Serves that Soi right for trying to be me. Hmph!) So, him and the jumpy medic? …I…guess I can see that. …We all know I'm lying there, right? (You could stop mentioning that I'm dead; I'm pretty sure EVERYONE knows now.)
That's very nice of you. (Sasuke like. Sasuke likey a lot. …Wait, corny? Never mind!) No, done that, and do it yourself! I don't need Jiraiya thinking I think about him! …Damn.
(That response? That was me humoring you. And it was sarcastic. As in SARCASM.)
My hand won't cramp. I'm dead. See you around, freaky-stalker-girl. (You deserve this title, too.)
UN-LOVE (Because anything you can do I can do better),
Sasuke
a.k.a. Itachi's Killer, Sexy Uchiha, The Bastard, and Bob. (That last one was Naruto's.)
Sasuke(?),
HOW THE HELL ARE YOU REPLYING TO THIS? IS THIS SOME SORT OF JOKE? BECAUSE THIS IS SO NOT COOL MAN! SO NOT COOL!!
Okay, whoever you are, I'm going to humor you by actually replying to this. (How did this happen? I mean, I left it on my dresser in my room. And when I come back from work, there's this! What. The. Hell.)
Building bridges? I don't do that. I BURN them. And any unfortunate avengers that may be on it. I was totally over you, by the way. Like, the moment you left. I've dated tons of guys! (You missed my birthdays, by the way. You owe me money. A lot of money.)
And I train because I WANT to. Not to impress you. Just so I can break mountains with my little finger. (Loser. How did you get snuck up on? I thought that Karin girl was a super impressive tracker whore, or something. Not that I'm jealous of her, or anything. I'm wondering how she stood you.)
And that whole thing about being sexier than Suigetsu just PROVED that you are not Sasuke Uchiha. He doesn't speak like that, IMPOSTER. (And I saw his pictures. He totally turned me on.) And the teammates names are SAI and…SixSix.
WHATEVER.
That, you arrogant blowhard, is probably why you're dead. Naruto is mourning because HE WAS YOUR FRIEND. Not because you were the reason he wanted to be Hokage. (He wanted that a long time ago. Sorry, you come in second place in EVERYBODY'S dictionary.
…Okay, that's true. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE WON'T MISS YOU. Sort of. Like I said, I don't know. (And of course he's SMART, retard. He was an ANBU member, remember? The famous Copy Ninja! He has to be smart!)
Screw you, Sasuke. I was twelve. (AND THIS IS REQUIRED, OR I CAN'T GO ON MISSIONS AND BLOW STUFF UP ANYMORE.) You have no right to judge that time, asshole. AND I DO NOT NEED THERAPY!! Loser. (Itachi was awesome. Even though I only met him, like, once, I saw that. You are crazy, AND YOU KILLED YOUR TOTALLY AWESOME BROTHER.)
I was NOT stalking you. I just happen to like the route you take to get me home after missions.
Fuck you.
Stupid, arrogant ass. NO, I MEANT NOBODY. And Hyuugay? (I'm telling him about that, you know. So he can help me find out who the hell you are.) He INSTIGATED that party. Do you know how hard it is for him to even ATTEND parties? Lee and Tenten literally dragged him to the New Year's Bash last year, and even then all he did was sit in the corner and pout…I mean, meditate. (Yeah, right.)
(DID YOU JUST CALL ME A GUY!! I knew you were gay!)
Yes, Ino. (Of course it disbanded. And yes, to both counts. In fact, I'm the Veep in both. I should know.)
I DID NOT DO THAT. I AM NO UNDERWEAR STEALER. (I just bought them off of e-bay. I don't know who sold them, though. I think it was Ami.) (HA. HA. HA.)
Yeah, sure. Keep telling yourself that, beeyotch. (IT SO TOTALLY IS. LIKE, YOU NEVER SHOWED EXPRESSION. EVER. EVEN WHEN NARUTO FELL OFF OF THAT CLIFF AND EVERYBODY LAUGHED, YOU JUST LOOKED LIKE YOU WANTED TO GET OUT OF THERE SOON. 'Cool and aloof'? Okay, now I KNOW that you aren't Sasuke.)
The love and adoration was there. I just grew up.
Yes, yes and yes. Oh, and by the way, a rooster called. He wants his ass back.
Catfights are scary if you're in them. And they were NEVER fought over you, no matter how much you (didn't) want it. (Seriously, you are making it so OBVIOUS you aren't Sasuke, it's not funny anymore.
…But because this is fun, I shall continue.)
Orochimaru has nothing on Ino, Sasuke. NOTHING. You were the object of her affections when you lived here—you don't know how awful she gets if you try to steal ONE BITE OF SOME TOTALLY DELICIOUS ICE CREAM THAT SHE WOULD NOT SHARE. Imagine what would happen if she found out you dated someone to make her jealous. You wouldn't survive.
(Plus, I'm sure Orochimaru went easy on you. At least, outside of the bedroom. Did it get a little hot in here?)
NARUTO IS TOTALLY THE SCANDALOUS ONE, DE-FLOWERING POOR HINA-CHAN. (Yet more proof you aren't who you say you are.)
Pah. Ghosts don't scare ME.
Not really—they don't really DO anything (not that I'm aware of, anyway), except for the occasional lusty look or two.
(This cannot be happening. Like you were going to screw ME. I bet Karin would have died of delight, by the way.)
Shut up, Tsunade-shishou is scary when she's angry. Anko? Who? I do not know who you are speaking of BECAUSE ANKO DID NOT DO IT, AND IF YOU EVER WRITE TO KAKASHI AND SAY SHE DID, I WILL COME INTO THE AFTERLIFE MYSELF AND DE-BALL YOU. And Kurenai? No way. She's still totally in love with Asuma. (How is he, by the way? Death doing good for him?) The bell test that YOU failed, anyway. Naruto and I retook it and ACED IT. WITH ICHA-ICHA.
SAI is actually giving you a run for your money. Temari has been flirting with him lately, and Ino senses a fan club beginning to form. And, he's an artist. Total plus. (I may date him, actually. Just to see how things go.)
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT BEING NICE. ME NO NICE TO BASTARD. (Corny is awful. I hate corny. Oh, and tell your mother that she still owes me that Bunsen Burner. She'll know what I'm talking about.) And you BETTER say hi to Sarutobi-sama! He freaking PWNED everybody, and if it wasn't for him, Orochimaru would have made you his that much sooner! And thanks for punching the snake freak. He creeped me out. (I'm ignoring the last part, because I am obviously MORE MATURE than you.)
(Hardly. You're awful at sarcasm. Even more evidence to get a restraining order on you, loser.)
Lucky. And freaky-stalker-girl does not become me. I shall be known as the Princess of Awesomeness from now on.
Love (YOU QUOTED 'ANNIE GET YOUR GUN'. YOU QUOTED A SONG FROM 'ANNIE GET YOUR GUN!),
Sakura-hime
Sakura,
Well, first I picked up a pen and paper. THEN, I wrote 'Sakura.' Is it becoming clear to you now?
Psh! You just wanted to write to me again, sexiness and all.
How the hell is Naruto able to eat and not get fat? I guess this is one of those mysteries in life…
Unfortunate avengers? Like who? I only know of the extremely successful Sasuke-looking ones. (Why would I give YOU money? Go ask one of the many 'boys' you dated for some.)
And so that way you could sneak up and stare at my ass. TRUST ME, you know you want to. (Well, I was thinking about how good my life had been, when – BAM! I was here! …Seriously, do you obviously think I'd be that stupid? I was sleeping. A LOT. Duh!) Whatever. Sai. Psh. It sounds like your tired or something. And I knew SixSix was right. Just proving my genius. Again.
Pfft.
I am dead because everyone didn't want me overshadowing them with my awesomeness. I'm sorry that you're so jealous. Fine. You get a point for that one. But I definitely come in first in the traitorous category. Itachi can't beat me there!
Again, my own genius astounds me. And by astounds me, I mean I knew you'd see it my way. He probably does miss me, because aside from going rogue, I was, like, a mini Kakashi. (Tsunade's famous, too. For being the Legendary Sucker. And other things. But Legendary Sucker? And Jiraiya's famous for porn; the Toad Sage thing is just a cover up, trust me. You don't have to be great to be famous. Like Paris Hilton.)
I bet you want to, hehe. Yeah, with the mind of a woman twice your age, freak. (You could always go rogue. Hint hint. Nudge nudge. Blowing stuff up ALL THE TIME. And besides, how funny would it be if the Hokage's prized pupil went rogue because a dead person told her to? Crazy, much?) You need therapy. Don't ask me why, but you do. Seriously. Yes, you are loser. (He had purple nails, and long girly hair. That is not awesome. Spiky hair is all the rage with dead people. Even Sarutobi's doing it!)
Yes, because my closet is so on the way to your house. It was 5 miles from your house, stalker!
You wish you could.
Yes, Hyuugay. (You do that. He'll be glad to finally come out of the closet. And I am Sasuke. Do I need to send a picture from ghost town here? …Apparently I do.) Oh, just because I'm not acting emo I'm suddenly not Sasuke, but if Hyuugay acts like a party-animal he's still the same person? Gawd, he's probably the imposter. (Thhpt!)
(Yes, yes I did. And I'm not gay, I'm just stating that YOU, Ms. Man-hands, are not as feminine as you claim to be.)
Oh. (This is cruel and unusual punishment! Itachi killed the clan! That's worse than what I did! And hello! His name's HyuuGAY! How can you be the VP in both of those?! Cruel and unusual!)
I saw pink hair leaving my closet on more than one occasion. Coincidence? I think not. (Sure you did. Ami wouldn't have been able to sneak in so silently; it was so you.) (SHUT UP.)
And you just keep telling yourself that you're over me. (That wasn't funny. He didn't get seriously hurt. Like Itachi always said 'It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious!' He wasn't hurt hurt, y'know?)
I did, too.
Whatevs, whatevs, whatevs, and the carnival called. They want their cotton candy back. TAKE THAT, MAN-BITCH!
That they are. Did you see mine and Naruto's over Orochimaru and Itachi? MEOUCH! That's when your precious Hyuugay almost died. They were fought over me. (If I am remembering correctly 'You like Sasuke, too. Then I guess we're rivals now.' 'I won't lose to you, Ino-pig!' 'Same goes for me!' 'Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun!' What was that then, an obsession with my name?)
(I'm him, accept it and move on.)
He does if you're a guy. I have had many sleepless nights in Sound. –Shudder- You would not want to be me then. Or Kabuto, for that matter. HE had it really bad, submissive freak.
(Not for me. There was a lot of fearful screaming, though. You might want to talk to Kabuto if you want some new moves, y'know.)
Makes sense, what with his pervy ninjustus and everything. Have you seen his new one? YeowZa! (I'm not helping my cause, am I? Whatever, I know who I am.)
Not even…NAKED JIRAIYA GHOSTS?! Because I'm scared of naked Orochimaru ones, personally. But not Itachi! He quakes in fear of MY presence!
Oh. Ask him a question, and casually slip in the mention of a broom closet, and watch his reaction. I want to know what happens. If he chokes and spits out food/water then you have to accept that you're crazy, and talking to a dead guy. If not, then, you have to start up my fan club again.
(I was going to grab the first one I saw (Karin usually walked behind to get a view of my ass – she wasn't going to lucky from back there, at least. …Unless her and Suigetsu were having…relations behind my back.)
Of course she is…wimp. JUST FOR THAT, I SHOULD WRITE TO HIM AND TELL HIM THAT! HAHA! I mean…HN HN! Thought so. They've been exchanging letters as well. (We have letter buddies now! He found out that even if he hadn't been killed, he would've died about a week later from lung cancer. So, I guess he's good.)
Who's Sai? And if his fan club has all of MY minions in it, then there will be hell to pay. Fan girls are what makes me me! But how's Soi doing, anyway? (I don't know how you could date this Sai character. He's probably butt ugly. Go with Soi; he calls you ugly, and has a cheap imitation of my face.)
'Now, Sakura dear, play nice with the handsome boy.' (I did. She said something about buns being burned and Hinata. You wouldn't happen to know what this is about, would you?) He's um…a little…busy. You don't want to know…for once, I mean it. Oh gawd! My (not-so) virgin eyes! He creeped me out in so, SO many ways. Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew EW! (You beat Naruto up over every stupid thing. At least I can reign in my emotions. Bitch.)
(No. I suck at innuendo. Sarcasm is my second language.) …Sarcasm…again.
You have a sick sense of humor. Hey, how about we switch places? You be dead, and I'll go back and live life! How about Princess of Ass-Kissing. ('Tsunade-sama, do you need anything?')
GO SUCK A BUTT (I didn't mean to. Itachi was there, and then…poof! The letter was gone.),
Sasuke
a.k.a. Itachi's Killer, Sexy Uchiha, The Bastard, Bob ( Naruto's idea), and Sex Kitten (Guess who's that one is.)
Yo. It is I, Artsysmiles! Or, if that's to long to say, Leslie. So, Cassy created this fic, and then came to me, saying 'Oh Leslie, mistress of all things! Please do me the great honor of co-writing "WASH, RINSE, AND REPEAT"!' Or, wait, was it 'Dude, just come write part of this.'?...Yeah, the first one it is! So, let us know what you think! FIRSTREVIEWERGETSACOOKIE! coughcough. Now, review! ...please.