Author's Note: This is my first entry into Bleach humor and the alternate universe. It is based upon my convention experiences but I leave it up to you to figure out which are true or a work of fiction! FYI: Even though their Japanese names are retained, Ichigo and etc. are now American teenagers to make things easier for me. Also, don't worry "Deus Ex Machina" readers, that story will not be forgotten! :-)

CHAPTER ONE

Orihime opened the car door, dressed in a maid's outfit that plunged at her breastbone, revealing the tops of perfect supple breasts and the laced hemline cut at her toned thighs. Ichigo smiled and then quickly frowned as he saw her face. Orihime's face was painted ghostly white with large circles of black ink around eyes while her normally pink lips were covered in messy blood red lipstick. To make matters worse, Orihime leaned in for a kiss on the lips.

Ichigo said, "We'd better hurry. We don't want to be late for Rukia and Renji."

Orihime crossed her arms and said, "Do you not like my costume?"

"Somehow I don't think that's what Rukia had in my mind she told you dress Goth lothi," said Ichigo, pulling out of her driveway. When Orihime turned away and gave a little squeak, he quickly added, "Not that I would know."

A few minutes later, Ichigo and Orihime arrived at Rukia and Renji's place. Renji had a fuzzy green wig and a black suit with a yellow shirt that looked like it hadn't been washed in a couple days. Rukia, on the other hand, had a luscious golden blond wig that complimented with her skin tight black jumpsuit and matching trench coat. They walked down the gravel driveway, hand in hand.

"Who are you guys supposed to be?" asked Ichigo as they entered the car, seating the backseat.

"Spike and Julia from Cowboy Bebop," said Rukia, crossing her legs and pretending to smoke a cigarette.

"You don't know what vicious is!" said Renji in a gruff deep voice.

"Rukia, what's he talking about?" said Ichigo.

Rukia laughed and said, "Renji has been quoting Cowboy Bebop all morning. Just ignore him."

"Okay," said Ichigo, turning the car to the left. Rukia touched his shoulder and he felt warm all over. Even though Rukia and Renji were now living together, he still found Rukia attractive, probably leftover feelings from their high school days. "What?"

"Go to Standard Boutique. We have to pick up Byakuya," she said.

"Why?" Ichigo said.

"I don't know and I've got no opinion," said Renji.

Rukia lightly cuffed Renji on the shoulder and said, "Would you please stop it?" She turned back to Ichigo. "Byakuya wants to come with us. I believe he said, 'I don't mind wasting my life with your friends.'"

"Wow, a compliment," said Orihime, clapping her hands.

Rukia sighed. "Yeah, he hasn't been the same since Szayel dumped him and left him for another man…"

"I don't think he's even seen any anime," said Renji. Ichigo had only seen Pokemon and Orihime had "accidentally" downloaded anime porn once but he didn't say that out loud.

"We're here," said Ichigo, pulling the level to the parking position.

"I'll go inside and get him," said Rukia as she opened the car door.

Byakuya came out, dressed in form fitting blue jeans and a sparking gold and white graphic tee along with his characteristic peach scarf with pink petals randomly printed upon it. He entered the car and sat by Renji. He grunted and put on his Chanel shades from his small brown-black man purse.

"Good morning, Byakuya," said Orihime, smiling and waving.

"Nice makeup," Byakuya replied but his tone suggested the exact the opposite of what he said.

"Thank you!" said Orihime. "No, I mean, arigatou!"

Renji's face broke into a wide grin. "You've been watching subs!"

Orihime blushed and said, "I watched this movie these two guys, Mochizuki and Honma…I think one of the guys started fondling the other one…" Ichigo groaned inwardly while Byakuya perked up. "And then Mochizuki starts sleeping with other guys to climb the business ladder…"

Renji cut Orihime's words with a hand. "I don't need to hear about yaoi. Rukia has enough OVAs at home."

"I think it's great that Orihime is expanding her horizons," said Rukia, grabbing Renji's hand, bringing up the palm to her lips and kissing it. Ichigo begged to differ but focused on his driving, trying to ignore Renji and Rukia making out in the back.

A couple hours later, they arrived at the Hilton Grand Hotel. It seemed an unlikely place for an anime convention; Ichigo expected to travel to Japan or something. He exited the car and opened the door for Orihime. To his surprise, Renji and Rukia were still going at it. He rapped on the back car door, waking up Byakuya.

"I'm sorry, Ichigo. Spike Spiegel was my first anime crush," said Rukia, swinging her legs to exit Ichigo's car. "With Renji cosplaying him, it's like Spike's alive."

"Oh I get it. You're in love with a cartoon," said Ichigo.

Renji glared him. "Anime's not a cartoon! They are totally different!" Renji reached over and put Ichigo in a headlock. Ichigo struggled but since Renji had been taking karate he couldn't wail on Renji as he had before.

"If you're going to be doing that, please be shirtless," said Byakuya. "At least, it would be borderline entertaining."

"Gross," said Ichigo and Renji in unison. Renji let go of Ichigo and headed to Rukia's side. She and Byakuya shared a secret half smile with each other as if something was going as planned.

A pale faced Orihime brought out her wallet. "Let's go everybody!" Ichigo didn't know what he was getting into, but he was glad to be around his friends. Ichigo interlocked his fingers into Orihime's and entered his first anime convention.

Renjitard's Cheat Sheet:

What a Goth Loli really looks like: ecx./images/I/61DAEH5JHPL.SL500AA240.jpg and what the American Goth looks like: images./11485535751098112661areyouGoth1.jpg Orihime combined them both and hence the costume faux pas.

The smexy Spike Spiegel /images/800x600/spike-spiegel.jpg and Julia /clie/bgs/bebop-julia-white.jpg

The yaoi (thanks pink cloud!) Orihime is refering to is "My Sexual Harassment" which I have never seen because I don't watch hentai or yaoi. I simply typed in "yaoi hentai" on anime news network and picked that one. More info: en./wiki/MySexualHarassment

Sorry about the links not working--I encourage you to copy and paste the links or simply use google images for visuals.

Stay tuned for the next chapter!