Hey there you dumb assholes. Today was pretty fucked up. Not that unusual when Kirk makes us go on these psychotic rescue missions to save random sluts from planets full of aliens that look exactly like nazis or some dumb shit, but overall I'd say this day stands out among the hundreds of such missions we've gone on.
First of all, I was just fucking around in sick bay, drinking, I ran off all the nurses by coming on to them and pinching their fun parts so I was alone. The vulcan and that negro dyke brought in some redshirt who got fried when a console exploded and started saying a bunch of garbage at me. I was completely not paying attention because all I could think about was kneeing the vulcan in the face and slamming his head against the floor over and over again and injecting uhura with a vaccine of my hot man custard.
Anyway, he had third degree burns and shrapnel logded in his skull and penis, so I figured fuck it, he's not gonna make it, so I might as well do some exploratory surgery. First I urinated on his face and chest to sterrilize everything (my 95 is like 95% alchohol) and I got to work. Making incisions, removing organs, rearranging blood vessles and shit it was like a fucking buffet. Eventually I got bored and started cutting swastikas in my chest with the scalpel. I knew he was still alive because of the anguished moans, well, whatever like I even care because Kirk fucking called me down to investigate some crap on the alien nazi planet.
"I'm a doctor, not a wingman. I'm not going down there to help you get laid"
He didn't listen, though, fucking asshole pussy ass yellow shirt wearing fucker.
Any fuckin way we got down to the planet and the savages started threatning us with rocks from like, 300 yards away so we whipped out our phasers and dissintegrated a few hundred of those fuckers and their capitol buidling too. Kirk threatened to obliterate their civilization a few times and dissintegrated a few top officials and we decided to fuck off. Before going I had scotty beam up a few of the savages into the brig so I could experiment on them later. Got a couple of real babes, too. Off the books, naturally, cause those assholes from star fleet command have been nosing in my records a bunch since my last human rights conviction.
Well, whatever, I got more drunk and jerked off on the view screen. I'll fill you in on more later, for now, I've got some medical tests to run. Gonna see if nazi aliens species #1400 is, uh, *ahem* interfertile with humans.