Disclaimer: I do not own Hikaru No Go or any of the characters. They belong to Hotta Yumi-sensei. I am not making any money from it either so please do not sue.
Notes: This take place after the Hokuto Cup.
Only Mine
Akira was excited. It had been some time since their last date. And this date was special. A special day for both of them. Akira could not wait to spend his birthday with his best friend, his lifelong rival, his one and only soul mate.
"Touya!"
Shiny green locks shook gently as Akira turned around to respond to the delighted call of his name. Standing right before him, dressed in his usual casual shirt and slacks, was none other than Hikaru. With his signature grin plastered to his face, the taller man advanced towards Akira.
"Shindou!"
A slight smile tugged at the ends of Akira's lips as Hikaru reached out to take Akira's hands into his own slightly bigger ones. Hearing the familiar voice call out so lovingly to him made a blanket of warmth envelope Akira. Together hand in hand, they made their way to the amusement park where Hikaru had promised to bring Akira just a month ago.
Akira had never been so happy. Who could imagine that just a few years ago, this man right before him was his most hated rival? This man, like the warm sun, his sunshine. They decided to have their lunch at the cafeteria situated in the amusement park. Akira was not very hungry but he nevertheless ordered something to eat. He knew that if he did not, Hikaru would get worried and be angry with him. They were chatting happily over lunch when a sudden ringing interrupted their conversation. Looking slightly annoyed, the taller man answered the call.
"Shindou here… Yes… I know… I know what I'm doing! Let me settle it myself!"
Flipping close his mobile phone almost savagely, Hikaru turned to a shocked Akira to explain apologetically about the phone call.
"It's my parents. I'm an adult now; why can't they just trust me to solve my own problems?"
"What's wrong? Do you have some problem?" Worry was evident in clear green spheres.
Shaking his head, Hikaru reassured his lover, "No, it's nothing serious. Nothing I can't handle on my own."
Akira nodded to express his understanding, but he did not fail to glimpse that torn look which fleeted across his lover's handsome features for that split second. Something was definitely wrong. However, if Hikaru did not wish to tell him, he would respect the taller man's decision. After all, everyone is entitled to his or her own privacy, right?
After lunch, Hikaru unexpectedly requested to go to the beach. Akira was puzzled. He knew that Hikaru was usually a very boisterous person who was almost always cheerful. For him to want to take a walk in a quiet place was, to put it mildly, abnormal. Though worried, Akira humored Hikaru and went along with him to the beach.
The beach was empty. Hikaru smiled. They had the whole beach to themselves. The taller man abruptly took hold of the green haired man's hand and started running down the beach. Stunned, Akira could only follow the hand that was guiding him.
They ran down the beach and alongside the water. They ran from end to end. When they tired, they lay down upon the golden sand to rest their spent bodies. Akira sat beside the prostrate form of Hikaru, watching the sunrays fall upon that flawless face as the taller man closed his eyes in serenity.
"Ne, Touya, what will you do if we were to separate one day?"
Hearing such a question from his usually confident lover agitated Akira greatly, "What do you mean? Why would we separate?"
Hikaru slid opened vibrant orbs to gaze deeply and lovingly into perplexed and anxious green ones as he sat up, "I'm saying if. What if we have to, one day?"
Akira looked away. He did not want to know. He did not want to think so far. He only wanted to enjoy his life now. Enjoy his life with his beloved Hikaru.
"…I don't want to think that far ahead. I only want to enjoy the present."
Hikaru's eyes widened a fraction in surprise before settling back into his usual cheerful face. He shut his eyes and took Akira's hand into his own. The smaller man turned to look at him.
"You're right. Let's forget about the future now. Let us just enjoy what we have now, what we have today. It is a gift, that's why it's called the present."
Akira's face melted into a smile when he heard that. He never wanted to be apart from Hikaru. Leaning his body into Hkaru's embrace, he felt Hikaru drape his arm over his shoulders to draw him closer. Huddling together on the beach, the two lovers watched as the sun went down beyond the horizon. If only they could remain like this forever. If only time would stand still.
"Thank you, Shindou. I really enjoyed today. It's the best birthday I've ever had."
They were at Akira's door. It was already night. After dinner, they had decided to take a walk in the park and enjoy the peaceful night before going home. Hikaru had walked Akira home. All the way, he had held the smaller man's hand tightly in his own, as if he never wanted to let go. And they both wished he did not have to.
"…Touya, there's something I need to tell you."
"What?" Akira looked at Hikaru with wide questioning eyes.
Hikaru could not bear to look at Akira. How could he break the news with such a pair of innocent unsuspecting eyes staring right into his soul? Hikaru closed his eyes and looked away.
"…Let's break up."
A long uncomfortable silence followed after. It seemed to stretch and was becoming more deafening by the minute.
"W-what did you just say?"
Akira hoped that he had heard wrongly. That his ears were playing tricks on him. He hoped that those hateful words did not just drip from Hikaru's lips.
"I said, let's break up."
He was not mistaken. Nor were his ears playing a trick on him. Hikaru did indeed want to break up.
"Why? What went wrong? I thought everything was going fine!"
"It's not your fault. My parents… They want me to get married. Not only them, the whole Go world is waiting for us to get married. We… have no choice, Touya…"
"…So that's your reason? So that's why you want to leave me? You're so selfish, Shindou Hikaru!" Akira could not control the stream of anguish flowing down his beautiful face.
"We're both male, Touya, we can't be together forever. One day, you'll get married too. Then you'll have your own family. You'll forget all about this then. All this, it's all a dream. No matter how beautiful the dream is, you'll still have to wake up one day. When you wake up from the dream, you'll still have to return to reality. Can you understand that?"
"No, I don't want to wake up from this dream! If I have to face reality, I'd rather sleep for eternity!"
Hikaru turned away from Akira. A single tear made its course down his flawless face. He did not know what to say. He wanted that too, but reality was cruel. Too cruel. He knew what he had to do. He knew he had to be heartless.
"You know that's not possible, Touya. We all have to face reality someday. Today is the day we have to wake up from this dream. Today is our last date. Sayonara, Touya…"
Hikaru could not bear it much longer. He could not face Akira anymore. Hikaru fled. He could hear Akira behind him, calling for him and chasing him. No, he would not stop! No, he would not turn back! He knew he had to be determined. Hikaru ran all the way home.
His mother greeted him at the door, "So how did it go?"
It was all Hikaru could do to keep the malice out of his slightly trembling voice, "It's settled. Now I've nothing to do with him. Now I can go and get married. Are you satisfied now?"
Without waiting for an answer, Hikaru dashed to his bedroom. Throwing himself down onto his bed, Hikaru remembered all the times they had shared together. He remembered the first time they met. They were in the Go salon. Akira was so small then. They were both so small then. Then he remembered how Akira had pursued him all the way to the middle school tournament. How he had pursued Akira all the way to the national tournaments. They were both so young and ignorant then. He remembered the Hokuto Cup and how they had worked so hard together. He remembered how they had gotten together after the tournament. He remembered the happiness they had shared. They were both so foolish then. So foolish to believe that that happiness could last. A torrent of tears assaulted the Go player once again.
Akira could not understand Hikaru. Why would he want to break up? What went wrong? Why could they not hold on to the splinter of happiness tightly? It started to rain as Akira made his way slowly back to his house. He was drenched by the time he arrived at his house. Ambling upstairs, Akira collapsed onto his bed without changing out. His tears no longer flowed. He had ran out of tears to shed.
The next day, Hikaru woke up to find a monster in his mirror. It took him a moment to realize that it was himself. He then remembered that he had cried himself to sleep the previous night. Staring at red puffy eyes, he wondered how Akira had dealt with the news. He knew that underneath that tough surface housed a fragile soul. He had not wanted to hurt that soul. Ever. But he had no choice. He never had a choice. Touya…
"Hikaru! You've a visitor!"
His mother's announcement startled Hikaru out of his daze. He glanced at the clock. It read seven-thirty. Who could be visiting him at such an early hour? Replying that he would be down soon, Hikaru proceeded to change into presentable clothes and willed his face back into its usual cheerful façade. Taking a deep breath, the Go player opened his bedroom door and prepared to face the world again.
He was surprised to find that it was Waya. What could Waya want with him so early in the morning? He greeted Waya cheerfully and invited him into his house. He then found out that Waya had come over for a game. It was then that he suddenly recalled that Waya was supposed to be playing against Akira that day. What was he doing here then? Upon inquiry, Hikaru then found out that the match that day was cancelled.
"I received a call this morning. The Go Association said that Touya Akira's sick. I don't know the details but I heard that he was caught in the rain yesterday and had come down with pneumonia. Well, it gives me more time to brush up my skills. Will you help me, Shindou?"
Hikaru could not believe his ears. Akira was sick? With pneumonia? He was caught in the rain the previous day… The rain? It was all his fault! He caused Akira to fall sick! If only he had not done what he did the previous day… Hikaru apologized to Waya hastily before dashing out of his house towards Akira's house.
Touya Meijin answered the door. He had known about his son's relationship with the taller Go player. He had accepted it. He understood that that was his son's own choice. And he respected it. When Hikaru enquired about Akira, Touya Meijin replied that he had gone to the hospital.
"Akira had always been weak. Yesterday, I don't know what happened but I've a rough idea of what's going on. Are you sure about your decision, Shindou Hikaru?"
Hikaru looked away. He felt guilty. Guilty for causing suffering onto his most loved one. Unable to face Akira's father, Hikaru answered that he had to do that, that he had no choice.
"…I'm getting married."
"I see. Then you should stay away from Akira from now on. Never again go near him. I'm sure you don't want to see him hurt any further, do you?"
Hikaru nodded minutely in agreement. He knew that Touya Meijin was only being practical, that he was only protecting his son. Fortunately, Touya Meijin agreed to keep Hikaru updated on Akira's condition. That way, Hikaru would be able to keep track of his lover's health while not letting Akira know that he was still so concerned about him.
The next few days were pure agony for Hikaru. After three days and still no information about his Akira. However, he understood that no news was good news. That was the only reason for him to continue waiting patiently. Then, after three days, the call of salvation arrived. Touya Meijin called Hikaru to inform him that Akira was fine now and that he had been discharged. Heaving a sigh of relief, Hikaru thanked the old man and hung up the phone.
After that call, however, arrived a letter to test his determination yet again. The letter was from the Go Association. He had a match scheduled next week. His opponent was none other than Touya Akira. Hikaru sighed deeply. He knew that this day would come; he only did not know it would come so soon.
The week passed by uneventfully. Hikaru did his best to avoid Akira at the Institute of Go. He always arrived earlier and left later. All in a bid to evade Akira. He still did not know how to behave appropriately in his presence. However, all good things must come to an end. The day of their match arrived and there was no way Hikaru could escape Akira now.
Before the match, Hikaru passed by Akira outside the room. He quickly averted his gaze and hastily quickened his pace into the room before the smaller man could say anything. Akira could only watch and take it all in quietly. He would clarify everything with Shindou Hikaru. He had been trying the past week, to no avail. Now was the only chance he had. He would make use of it.
When they sat down to the game, Hikaru still did not look Akira in the eye. Akira could feel his anger rising as he became more and more forceful in his attacks. Why? Why would Hikaru not look him in the eye? He refused to back down. He would make Hikaru acknowledge him!
The match was over soon. It was obvious who would win from the start. It was apparent that Hikaru was not putting his all in that game. Akira won that game easily. However, the win was not for free. That win was in exchange for Hikaru. With that one match, Hikaru had proven that he was serious about his decision. He had no intention of turning back. Akira had lost after all.
After the match was over, Hikaru got up and made to leave quickly, all the while not speaking a word to the silent man before him. He watched as Akira got up soundlessly and advanced towards the entrance of the room. Hikaru could only watch as Akira walked away from him. Out of the room. Out of his life.
Hikaru went home in complete silence. He met Waya and Isumi on the way out but he did not make to acknowledge them. Luckily for him, Isumi, sensing that something was wrong, hurriedly diverted Waya's attention, leaving Hikaru alone. When he reached home, he was faced with the situation he least wanted to be in. Akari was at his house. Her parents were there too, talking to his parents. Sighing deeply, Hikaru took his place beside her on the sofa.
It was two days later that Hikaru went to the Institute of Go again. Everything had been settled and it was scheduled to take place the following week. They were all celebrating at the Institute. All of Hikaru's friends were happy for him. They were all partying and making fun of Hikaru when who should burst into the room but Touya Akira.
"Shindou! Is it true? Is it true that you are getting engaged?"
Akira did not want to believe the report. He did not want to believe that his beloved Hikaru was really getting married. Maybe it was all just a rumor. Maybe they still had a chance to be together.
"Aa. It's true. I'm getting engaged to Akari. We've known each other since we were in kindergarten and our parents approve of our marriage."
Hikaru found that he still could not look Akira in the eye. He lowered his head and faced the ground. Akira felt tears stinging at his eyes, threatening to flow down his unblemished face any moment. Hearing those words from Hikaru, Akira felt his heart die away a little more. He turned to leave, to step out of Shindou Hikaru's life.
"Are you sure it's all right to just let him go?" Waya was worried about Akira.
"Aa, it's fine. It's… better this way."
His friends were not so sure, but they surmised that it was Hikaru's own problem and his choice. They had no right to interfere. Continuing the celebration, everyone failed to notice Hikaru looking forlornly in the direction where Akira had left. No one saw the slight smile that rose on his face as he blinked away unshed tears.
On the night before the engagement, Akira was weeping in bed. He had tried to use the past week to forget Shindou Hikaru. He had tried really hard. However, he had failed. He knew that he could never forget Hikaru. Ever.
"I tried, Shindou, I really did. But, gomen ne, I've failed. I can't forget you. I can't forget that you once loved me. I believe that you still love me. That's why, you'll return to me…"
On the day of the engagement, Hikaru was dressed smartly in white. Akari was gorgeous. Dressed all in white, like a pure angel. However, it did not make a difference to Hikaru. His one and only pure angel had come and left his life. No one else could ever take his place. Not now, not ever. They were about to exchange the vows and engagement rings when a sudden crash stopped the ceremony. A look in the direction of the crash revealed a flustered Touya Akira standing at the entrance of the door.
"Touya…"
Everyone watch, stunned, as the smaller man walked determinedly up to the groom. His eyes were once again ablaze with fire. This time, Hikaru did not look away. Hikaru looked at Akira calmly as the green haired man produced a penknife from his back pocket. Hikaru watched, unfazed, as Akira stabbed the knife straight into his chest. The white suit stained with blood almost immediately as the groom fell into the waiting arms of Akira. The rest of the people were appalled. It took Akari a moment to register what had happened. When she did, she screamed and ran out of the room sobbing uncontrollably in fear and grief.
"I want you to love me. I want you to love me forever. That's why I want the you that will never change. Your love must never change. Only this way will your love for me be forever frozen in time."
Reveling in the warmth of Akira's embrace, Hikaru smiled gently, "I've always loved only you… you and only you…"
Hikaru then closed his eyes in serenity. He was finally free of the madness. Akira hugged the body closer to himself. Tears of anguish, tears of happiness flowed down his cheeks. Hikaru finally belonged him, his and his alone. Bending over to kiss the slightly parted lips of Hikaru, Akira savored the last physical contact he could have with his beloved Hikaru. When the police came, Akira had already stopped tearing. The famous Go genius was now a murderer.
Even now, I still believe that he will come for me. Shindou did not die. He just went to a better place, where we can be happy together. He is waiting for me. The police said that I am a murderer. Those foolish people. They do not understand. How can they? Even now in this small cell, I hold fast to the belief that you will come one day.
But, do you know where I am? Do you know that I am trapped here in this small cell? Are you looking for me, Shindou? I must find a way to get out. I will get to you, Shindou.
The attendant is careless. I see the keys now. Opening the lock is easy. Wait for me, Shindou, I am coming. I know you are in a higher place. I am trying to reach you now. Climbing the stairs is hard, but you are worth it all and more. Just to be with you, anything is worth it.
I can see the light in the distance now. Reaching for the light, I stumble into the open. I see you standing at the edge of the building. You are calling to me, beckoning me. I run towards you. Standing at the edge of the building, I see you extend a hand towards me. I take your hand and I take that final step. You have finally come for me.
I can finally go home to you now, Shindou.
-Owari-
FuumaKamui: My first attempt at a HnG fic. I hope it did not turn out too bad. Please be gentle and R&R!