***Episode one, a week after Linc died.***
Scene: A cabin in a remote area of forest land.
Michael lay completely still across the bed. He may have died if he hadn't managed to find this cabin, he was at the end of his strength after all. He may still die anyway because so far he hasn't been able to bring himself to eat any of the meagre supplies which he found in the cupboards. As he lies motionless his one thought is that he wishes he was dead, that he could have taken his brother's place or at the very least died by his side.
***Episode two, a month after Linc died.***
He'd contacted her at work, of all the gutsy, stupid, crazy things to do. He must have anticipated that all calls in and out of a federal facility would be monitored but decided to risk it anyway. She didn't know how he'd got the number, perhaps during one of his many medical appointments as an inmate he'd managed to catch a glimpse of it.
He hadn't spoken at first but somehow she had just known that it was him. Ridiculous considering the time that had already past and the improbability of him contacting her yet in her bones she had felt it.
When he had eventually spoken it had been short and to the point. No wasted words trying to explain things which were inexplicable or sum up a situation which words couldn't touch.
"Sara, It's me." Pause. "Can I see you?"
She'd nodded in shock before realising her mistake, her heart had been in her mouth.
"I can't come to you. Could you get to Brakesville? The memorial park tower? Saturday lunchtime?"
She was working on Saturday but wild horses wouldn't have been able to hold her back.
"The memorial tower. Saturday. I'll be there."
And just like that he had hung up without a goodbye. On the considerable journey to Brakesville she had wondered if he had considered that she might not have chosen to meet him, or that she could have given him up to the feds. Perhaps that was why he hadn't given her a set meeting time.
She'd arrived stupidly early, just after ten, no ones lunch time by any means. She'd settled herself to wait for the man she loved who must need her more now more than ever.
In actual fact he hadn't arranged a meeting time for a simple reason. He had no idea how long it would take him to get to the memorial park. Tramping around, traipsing by foot took time and in the end it was nearly two when he arrived.
He had a beard and his hair had grown into dark, unruly strands. He looked utterly different and she wasn't surprised that people couldn't recognise him from the Fox River escape picture which was still being broadcast nationally. He had lost ten pounds, which he could ill afford, and aged ten years over the course of the last month. His skin was bronzed by the sun but somehow he still looked pale and wan beneath his tan. He was a broken man, and bore little resemblance to the man she remembered, yet he still held her heart and soul.
They had checked into a small motel near the park and he had showered before anything else. She was glad because he had obviously been sleeping rough. He'd apologisedfor his appearance, a small glimpse of the old Michael appearing for a second in his embarrassment as he'd explained the layers of dirt.
"It helps me fit in where I am staying, keeps me safe."
She'd shuddered to think where that might be but had been determined to bite back her questions and let him open up in his own time.
After he was clean and wrapped in towels she'd poured them both a drink, OJ for her, whiskey for him and they'd sat on the bed together. All awkwardness somehow had disappeared and they had curled up against each other leaning inwards for comfort and reassurance as though they were an established couple and this wasn't their first meeting outside of prison.
"I failed him." He'd said at last and her heart had broke for him.
He wouldn't allow her to contradict him but had relentlessly given her a precise and detailed account of how he had seen the life flow out of his brother before turning and continuing to run.
She's held him then and comforted him as best she could. Exploring his body she had seen the prominent ribs jutting out on his emancipated frame. She'd glanced at the marks of violence from his time at fox river at the hands of his fellow inmates and noticed new marks and wounds from the past month beginning to heal. If only the scars on his heart would heal as quickly.
She must have fallen asleep in the early hours and when she had woken it had been daybreak and she was alone.
She would always remember this, even years later: the horrific realisation that he had gone without waking her and that she would not see him again until he chose to find her.
***Episode three, a year after Linc died.***
LJ was ashamed that he cried when he first saw him.
Afterwards he defended it to himself, after all he hadn't been able to believe it was true until he'd actually laid eyes on him. For years afterwards the afternoon he spent with his uncle would always retain a hazy dream like quality in LJ's memories.
"Uncle Mike." He'd hugged him fiercely, almost knocking the taller man backwards in his hurry.
"Shhh, LJ." Michael guided his nephew away from passers by. Although time had past and they were a distance from home he hadn't came this far to risk getting caught now . It had been a long time since anyone had called him by his old name.
"I was so worried you know." The boy chattered frantically. "They never caught you and I thought you were dead when I never heard from you. I've reading all those newspaper columns you know where they have sections for people to contact long lost family? I thought you might have left me a message in a code or something? But I'd pretty much given up by the time you called."
Michael felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He'd been so sure that LJ would be thinking about his father's death, it hadn't occurred to him that he'd be panicking over him.
"I had to be careful, only contact you when things had quietened down." He explained.
"I'm so sorry about your father."
LJ eyes filled up with tears and when he spoke he sounded choked with emotion.
"Uncle Mike, you did everything you could, more than he could have hoped or expected from anyone... What happened, it wasn't right but you..." The last of LJ's words were muffled into Michael's collar as he hugged him again.
Michael remained awkwardly still and uncomfortable during all of Ljs emotional interactions. It may have been the fact that the men he now worked with never showed their feelings or perhaps it was the simply a result of the lack of human contact he'd had this past year. Gently he pushed his nephew back slightly, holding him at arms length.
LJ didn't seem to notice, he was so caught up in what he was saying.
"I still miss him. You know? So much." He gulped back further tears manfully.
"Come on let's go and get a drink and you can tell me everything I want to hear what you've been doing and where you've been."
They'd found a quiet pub and had a couple beers. But for all LJ's intentions of hearing about his uncle he found himself filling Michael in on how he was doing at school, how his mum and him were getting on better and about his new girlfriend. For LJ it was bliss seeing his uncle again and catching up. For Michael he was suffocated by the knowledge that he was in his brothers place. It ought to be Linc sat there enjoying a beer with his boy.
***Episode 4, a year and a day after Linc died.***
She looked amazing, as always, and he had to fight to remind himself that no good could come of this. He didn't even know why he was meeting her again apart from the fact that he couldn't bring himself not to. Michael was numb and didn't feel much about anything these days but Sara was the exception to this, the one and only longing and desire which existed for him.
He looked better, more healthy, she was relieved to see. He'd filled out, he was still slim but his lean frame had bulked out with rippling muscles on his arms and chest. His eyes still showed hints of the haunting memories that would continue to plague him, but she had expected this.
"I saw LJ yesterday."
"You did?"
"I'm going away- I needed to see you both before I went."
"Take me with you."
A year on and no further forward. Sara felt that her life has been on hold since she saw Michael last. She had waited for him to get back in contact with her and almost given up. It was just over a year since she'd last seen him and she was determined this time to say everything she should have been clear about last time.
He raised his eyebrows slightly.
"You'd give up your life just like that. Think about what you're saying Sara. You would no longer be able to practice medicine, your vocation would be over. You wouldn't see your family and friends. And I... have nothing to offer you. No money, no home, no where to stay sometimes. I do cash in hand labouring work for dubious, crooked foremen and when I don't get paid I don't eat."
"Michael. We can get through this. Together."
He shook his head.
"Maybe the old me." He said bluntly. "But I'm not the man I used to be. I used to be smart, resourceful- I'd put my hand to anything. But I've lost that fire. I'm not much good for anything at the moment."
"I have faith in you, in us." she clinged to him.
He untangled himself from her arms. "But I don't." he said quietly standing up and opening up the balcony door. He reached for his jacket and she watched as he lit a cigarette. It seemed strange seeing him smoke- out of character- but she knew a lot of things had changed for him now. From the deep, practised drag he was obviously well established in the habit.
Wrapping a dressing gown around her she followed him out.
"Will you promise me one thing?" She asked seriously.
He looked at her.
"Even if you won't take me with you, I can't take it if I have to wait another year to hear from you. Write to me. Email me. I don't care how, I just need to be in contact with you."
She stared at him intently waiting for a response. He nodded briefly.
"Where will you go?"
He shrugged. "Mexico. Then maybe down to Brazil. I don't know. I just need to get far away. Too many memories close to home. Everything is raw, I'd rather be somewhere that means nothing, where I can forget everything."
She hardly dared to ask her last question.
"Will you ever come back at all?"
He stubbed out his cigarette on the wall. Stroked her cheek gently and shrugged.