I sat in an uncomfortable chair in the doctor's lounge, staring blankly into space as I tried to embrace the events of the day. I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that George, my ex-husband George, the sweetest, most loving, most genuine man I had ever known George, had actually enlisted in the Army. If I wasn't so scared of him dying in Iraq, I'd kill him myself. How could he do something like this? He couldn't even hurt a fly, and now he was going into the center of the storm and trying to be brave. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, forcing down the emotions that were rising to my throat.
Not only was George doing the single-most idiotic thing I could think of, Arizona was actually defending him. Sure, we hadn't been dating that long, but I really thought I knew this woman inside and out, only to be largely mistaken when she told me how awesome she thought it was that George had enlisted. She actually used the word "awesome" to describe it, and I felt everything inside me break. How could she possibly think that simple, sweet George going to Iraq to get blown up or shot at was awesome? And how could the two of us be so fundamentally different in our views and beliefs? Just when I thought we had finally clicked, I felt our relationship being torn apart.
I rubbed my eyes and took another deep breath, wishing that things would somehow go back to the way they were last night. Arizona and I had finally connected, sharing an intimate and passionate night together that topped any sexual experience I had ever had. Unlike the times I had been with Erica, which was always so scary and new and unsure, Arizona had been tender and gentle and knew exactly how to respond to my body. Her touch was so steady, so certain, that it felt like the first time for me. We made love twice and fell asleep tangled up in each other, and when I woke up I nuzzled closer to her, smelling her and breathing her and feeling so completely safe in her arms. She had turned to me, smiling as she looked into my eyes so deeply that I swear she could see my soul, and simply whispered "good morning." Never before had two words felt so perfect.
Yet that perfection was ruined this morning, and we've spent the day ignoring each other to avoid a confrontation. I was so mad at her, I could barely see straight. How dare she?
I heard the door open behind me and knew it was her before I saw her face. I looked up at her and saw an expression on her face that I'd never noticed before. She looked scared, angry, and hurt, and I knew I was the cause of it.
"Maybe I don't understand people," she began evenly. "I don't see things, so maybe I don't get what's going on with you or why you're so mad, but I do think it's awesome. I think that George joining the Army is awesome –"
"Shut up!" I interrupted her, throwing my hands up and looking away from her as the anger returned.
"No," she answered me sternly, moving to stand directly in front of me so I couldn't avoid her. "You asked me who I was. I am a person who thinks what George is doing is dangerous and terrifying and brave."
My eyes danced around the room, looking at anything but her eyes as she spoke.
"He's going to serve his country," she continued, staring at me while I continued to ignore her gaze. "He's going to risk his life to save the men and women who make it possible for you and I to sleep safely in our beds. I'm a person who thinks that is brave."
I sighed and looked up at her, knowing she had a point but not wanting to give in just yet. I met her eyes and saw tears welling up in them.
"And I am a person," she said shakily, "who stood in an airplane hangar and watched them unload my brother's body in a coffin, and all we got was a flag."
Suddenly, something inside me felt like it was breaking as I knew her heart was as well. I looked down at my hands in my lap, ashamed of myself for refusing to see her side. Had I known it was so personal, had I known the loss she's experienced, I would have been more compassionate. Instead, I yelled and spat angry words at her, and she did nothing but support her dead brother who wanted to make a difference.
"My brother died over there because there weren't enough doctors, Callie. So for my money, George O'Malley is a patriot. He's a hero, and I am grateful that he exists, so, yeah, the word I use is awesome. That's who I am."
A single tear rolled down her cheek as she finished in a whisper. She started to leave but I reached my hand out to grab hers and stop her. I looked up at her and spoke the only two words I knew could begin to fix her.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, looking into her blue eyes that were filled with sadness.
We stared at each other for a moment, neither of us sure of our next move. I knew I had to feel her, to hold her and let her fall apart with me. Arizona Robbins had a tough exterior, but I knew the most intimate parts of her and knew that it took a huge loss or a lot of pain to break her down. I slowly stood up, my hand still in hers, and faced her. I cupped her cheek with my hand and whispered again, "I'm sorry, Arizona."
She continued looking at me, her face dropping as the tears began flowing. I pulled her to me and held her close, wrapping my arms around her as she buried her face in my neck. I felt her tears collecting on my shirt but I didn't care. I let her cry as long as she needed to, wondering if she had ever given herself the time to grieve. What felt like an eternity later, her sobs slowed down and she pulled away from me, looking into my eyes again. I wiped her cheeks with my fingers, planting gentle kisses underneath her eyes.
"I had no idea," I tried to explain.
"I know," she whispered, nodding.
We were silent another moment before she swallowed and cleared her throat, signaling that we had moved past this.
"I'm sure I look really hot right now," she joked with that dimpled smile I love so much.
"You're beautiful," I told her softly. "And you're strong and brave and passionate, and I am lucky to have you."
"Callie," she responded in a whisper, using the abbreviated version of my name that she says so rarely.
"I love you, Arizona," I blurted out.
Her eyes widened momentarily but I saw a small smile creep across her face and knew it was okay.
"I'm in love with you," I said again. "I know it's really soon and I know it's crazy, but I am, and I can't help it, you know? Even when we fight and don't understand each other, I can't stop loving you, Arizona, and I don't want to stop."
"I don't want you to stop, either," she whispered to me, holding my face in her gentle hands. "Because I'm in love with you, too, Calliope. You're the one that's brave and strong. You stood up to your father for me, you cut off your family for me, and you fight for your friends when you want to protect them. I'm the lucky one here."
I lean in and press my lips to hers, unable to keep them off of her any longer. She melts into my embrace and I smile against her lips, because everything is perfect again.