Disclaimer: Doctor Who isn't mine. Neither is How I Met Your Mother. Simple.
Spoilers for all of Christopher Eccleston's and David Tennant's episodes.
Introductory Note: I don't like long author's notes and I know neither do most readers so I'll try to keep this short. As I've said in the companion one-shot How I Met the Doctor (HIMTD), this won't be a direct transplantation of HIMYM into the DW universe, though certain bits and pieces will obviously be inspired from either works. So sit back and I hope you enjoy. :D
In terms of the timeline, the Doctor and the kids parts are the sequel (set after HIMTD) but the tales he is telling act as a prequel when compared to the tale Rose told. I hope that made sense in a sort of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey sort of way.
Chapter 1: Pilot/The Runaway Bride
The Doctor beamed at his two children sitting on the couch across from him. The TARDIS was currently orbiting languidly in the time vortex with no specific destination in mind. The three of them were at the present moment sitting in the library, with the artificial windows behind the Doctor giving off the appearance of a sunny afternoon. It was the perfect setting for the wisdom that he was about to impart on his offspring.
"Kids," he began solemnly, putting on his best narrator voice. "Let me tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother."
His children glanced at each other before turning their attention back onto their father. Like the typical teenagers they appeared to be, neither of them looked too impressed at his announcement.
"Are we being punished for something?" Michael wanted to know.
The Doctor was confused. In what way did this resemble a punishment? "No."
But the questions didn't stop there. "Yeah," Jacqueline piped up. "Is this going to take awhile?"
"Yes," came the firm reply.
The kids sighed as they leaned back. Having learnt from past experiences, they knew that once their father started, there was not much they could do to stop him.
"A very long time ago, before I was a dad, I had this whole other life…"
It was way back in 2010. I was 901. Your Uncle Jack and I ran into a bit of trouble with the Eight Legs of Metebelis III – beautiful planet in the Acteon Galaxy, shame about the natives though. I defeated the Great One – why are all super villains' names so predictable? – and ended up getting a lethal dose of radiation in the process. I deposited Uncle Jack back to Cardiff before stumbling back into the TARDIS, just to be on the safe side, before undergoing regeneration in the TARDIS.
Now kids, you haven't experienced regeneration yet. It's a bit of a dodgy process. You never know what you are going to end up and you always feel a bit out of sorts shortly afterwards. So try to avoid it while you can, alright kids?
But in my case, it was unavoidable, though I couldn't complain. My life had been good up to that point. Plus, look on the bright side, I had a brand new face, the promise of brand new adventures and distant planets never seen before by this pair of eyes. I simply couldn't wait to see something beautiful and exotic and new. And then your Uncle Mickey went and screwed the whole thing up.
"Will you marry me?"
"Uh, well, I don't – ooh," the Doctor grimaced as he poked around the inside of his mouth with his tongue. "New teeth, that's weird." Abandoning his curiosity over his new form, he turned his attention back to the problem at hand.
He had stumbled out of the TARDIS to discover he had landed in a quiet alley off a main street on Earth. London, judging by the looks of his surroundings. There was a gangster-looking black man in a leather jacket on bended knees in front of him, complete with a shining diamond ring in his hands. As far as the first thing he saw with his newly regenerated eyes goes, he's definitely had better. In fact, the Doctor could say with absolute certainty this was the weirdest "first" thing he's ever seen.
"Well, what do you think?" The man wanted to know. His head was cocked to one side, reminding the Doctor strangely of a quizzical dog.
"Uh, well, see here," the Doctor chuckled nervously as he slowly backed away until his back hit the comforting wooden door of the TARDIS. Experience dictated that in uncertain situations, it was always good to be close to the escape pod.
He was saved from answering when the guy stood up and sighed. "Come on, man. I want this to be perfect. She'll never say yes otherwise!"
The Doctor found that doubtful as he stared at the guy currently pacing back and forth in front of him. With his crew cut, leather jacket and the scowl on the dude's face, the Doctor doubted many people would be brave enough to say no to that face. But it did solve one riddle. "So you're not proposing to me?"
It was the mystery dude's turn to stare at the Doctor. "Are you insane? Why would I be proposing to you? I was just asking for your opinion."
"Well," the Doctor brightened. "In that case, it was perfect! She'll say yes. Then you're engaged. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor." He paused and thought about it. "Actually, on second thought, don't have sex on the kitchen floor. It's not very hygienic. And side-note, wow, judging by the evidence, I've certainly got a gob." Pausing mid-rant, another thought entered the Doctor's mind. "Why are you asking me? Isn't there someone else more suitable for that job?"
"Are you kidding?" The guy asked incredulously. "You're the Doctor. You've been there for all the big moments. The night we met. Our first date. My first meeting with her family. Our first expedition as freelancers. You even helped me pick out this ring!"
"Really?" The Doctor was intrigued. After 900 years, he has seen and done many things but none of them was domestic. "When was that?"
"What do you mean, when was that?" If at all, the guy looked even more confused. "Just half an hour ago on Old Bond St. You said, classy girl like her would probably appreciate Tiffany & Co."
"Did I?" This was getting weird and weirder.
"Yeah, then while I was waiting for the payment to go through, you just turned and left me! Went walking around, trying to find you before I heard the sound of the TARDIS. And here you are."
"Here I am." The Doctor echoed, dumbfounded by all this.
"Did you hit your head on the console while trying to land or something?" The guy stepped in closer as he examined the Doctor closely. "Wait, tell me you know who I am."
He couldn't. "Who are you?"
"Oh, of course!" The dude took a step back and raised his hands to the top of his head. "Just this morning, you commented that usually if there were another you somewhere in the vicinity, you'd have to run off to avoid creating a paradox. And here I was thinking you were just running off your gob again. Oh!" He realized, snapping his fingers at the Doctor. "You even gave me a lecture on the risk of revealing too much to a past version of a time traveller because that could cause disturbances to timelines –"
The dude cut himself off and stared at the Doctor. "Damnit! I shouldn't have said that."
"Yeah, probably not," the Doctor commented. He couldn't help but be amused by the spectacle the guy was making of himself. If they went back a few centuries, the term "village idiot" might have been appropriate here.
"Right," the guy nodded as he straightened his shoulders. "I'm going to leave now because I say too much. See you then."
"Good luck with the missus!" Charmed, the Doctor yelled after him.
"Yeah, you too!" The dude replied as he walked off onto the main street.
"Wait, what?" The Doctor yelled again and ran after him, but by the time the Doctor left the alley, the guy was already lost in the crowd of shoppers on the main footpath. The Doctor grumbled quietly to himself. "You probably shouldn't have told me that either."
Still confused over the incident, the Doctor strolled back into the TARDIS and cheerfully decided he would let the future him deal with the repercussions. After the last set of adventures with Jack, it would be nice to enjoy some peace and quiet before he started off again. Though not too much peace and quiet, he hoped. Where would be the fun in that? Man, this version of me sure is cheerful. Brushing that thought aside, the Doctor sent the TARDIS to "orbit" mode before focusing on his initial question. "Now then… what do I look like?"
He started to make his way towards the wardrobe before he decided against it. It would be like ripping open the wrappings of a Christmas present. He should always shake the box, smell it, lick the outside, peak inside a little hole and have a guess before opening it. More fun that way.
"No, no, no, no no no no, no, don't tell me," he jabbed his finger cheerfully at the TARDIS' central column as if she would actually spoil the surprise. "Let's see. Two legs, two arms, two hands…" He hummed as he rotated his right wrist. "Slight weakness in the dorsal tubercle. Hair!" He exclaimed as his hands reached up and was met with thick strands of hair. "I'm not bald! Oh, ooh!" He continued when his hands met more hair that he realized. "Big hair! Sideburns, I've got sideburns! Or," came the nasty thought. "Really bad skin."
Turning his attention down to the parts of his body he could see. "A little bit thinner," he commented as he patted his stomach. "That's weird. Give me time, I'll get used to it." He concentrated as he examined his integumentary system and smiled in wonder as he made a new discovery. "I…" he slowly said as he made sure it was really there. "Have got… a mole. I can feel it. Between my shoulder blades, there's a mole." Rotating his shoulders, he decided he could most definitely get used to this new addition. "That's all right. Love the mole." Satisfied for the moment, he turned to beam at his TARDIS again. "Go on then, tell me, what do you think?"
"Think of what?" A strange voice asked from behind him.
Startled, the Doctor turned around, only to see a redhead woman decked out in a white wedding gown doing the same. They stared at each other in shock for a minute. Stunned, the Doctor could only think of a single word.
"What?"
"Huh!" Clearly, the woman standing in front of him was just as shocked as he was.
"What?"
Squinting, the redhead scrutinized the Doctor closely with suspicious eyes. "Who are you?"
"But –" the Doctor started to say in confusion.
Only to be interrupted by his unexpected company demanding to know, "Where am I?"
"What?"
Clearly fed up with his unintelligent repetition, the strange woman looked around at her surroundings, growing more and more agitated by the second. "What the hell is this place?!"
"What?" the Doctor looked around as well, trying to find a reason for this madness. "You can't do that. I wasn't – We're in flight. That is physically impossible! How did –"
The woman stalked right up to him. "Tell me where I am. I demand you tell me right now where am I?!"
"Inside the TARDIS."
"The what?" She blinked and squinted at him, as if that would help with her hearing. Human habits, so unusual and pointless, the Doctor couldn't help but think.
"The TARDIS!" He repeated, raising his voice slightly, as if the increase in volume with aid her understanding. Blimey, he was picking up human habits too!
"The what?"
"The TARDIS!"
"The what?"
"It's called the TARDIS!" Blimey, this could go on all day. The Doctor turned his attention back to the console, trying to figure out how on earth this loud woman got in here. Two minutes in and his newly regenerated ears were already ringing.
The woman scoffed as she followed him around the console. "That's not even a proper word. You're just saying things."
He decided to let that one slide and focus on the more pressing issue. "How did you get in here?"
The lady rolled her eyes. "Well, obviously, when you kidnapped me!" she explained sarcastically. "Who was it? Who's paying you? Is it Nerys?" Raising her eyes to the ceiling, she was practically fuming with anger. "Oh my God, she's finally got me back. This has got Nerys written all over it."
"Who the hell is Nerys?" The situation was quickly unravelling out of his control. If there was one thing the Doctor had learnt in his previous 900 plus years of life, it would be that angry women, of any species, were a dangerous entity to deal with.
"Your best friend." She retorted.
"Hold on," the Doctor stared at her. He was only just taking in the woman's attire. "Wait a minute. What are you dressed like that for?"
"I'm going ten pin bowling." The redhead said before exploding in anger. "What do you think, dumbo?"
The Doctor quickly retreated, walking around the console to get away from the fuming bride in front of him. A quick glance at the TARDIS screen confirmed what he thought. They were in space. They were literally orbiting amongst the stars. He continued fiddling with the controls, trying to find the source of the problem.
Following him, the redhead wasn't done. "I was halfway up the aisle! I've been waiting all my life for this. I was just seconds away, and then you, I don't know, you drugged me or something!"
This time, he wasn't about to let it slide. "I haven't done anything!" He shouted right back at her. Ooh, that was rude. Was that what he was now? Rude?
Undeterred by his outburst, the woman continued following him as he danced around the console. "I'm having the police on you! Me and my husband, as soon as he is my husband, we're going to sue the living backside off you!"
Humans and their lawsuits, the Doctor thought. There was a pause and realizing that there was no angry redhead following his movements, the Doctor turned around only to find the bride making a beeline for the front door. "No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't!"
But it was too late.
Jack Harkness' chuckle echoed down the phone to the Doctor. "So, then what did you do to the poor woman?"
The Doctor raised his mobile up to his face and pouted at it before answering. "Why do you always think the worst of me?"
"Well gee, let me see," Jack drawled. "Could it be because the conversation you two were having was quickly deteriorating into a shouting match? Or the fact that the bride was going run headfirst out of the TARDIS while the old girl was in flight? Or maybe it's because the size of your curiosity can out-rival any cat? I wouldn't be surprised if you started scanning her with one of your gadgets to try and figure out the problem."
The Doctor's silence at Jack's last comment was telling enough.
"Oh no, you didn't," Jack laughed.
"Well I had to!" the Doctor defended himself, his voice eerily resembling that of a schoolboy who was getting scolded. Damn, the reshaping of his vocal cords was going to be something else he was going to have to get used to. "I didn't understand what happened and I understand everything. That sort of thing, it just doesn't happen! There is no way a human being can lock itself onto the TARDIS and transport itself inside. I wanted to figure out what was causing it."
"I can't imagine the bride taking that too well," his companion over the phone commented.
"She slapped me," the Doctor sulked.
Jack laughed again. "So then what did you do?"
"Well, not much," the Doctor sighed as he leaned back on the couch. "I dropped her back onto Earth. The TARDIS was acting up a bit so we missed the wedding." He tried not to think about the heartbroken look on her face when she arrived at the reception and realized it was just a party now.
"Where are you now?"
"Across the street in a café," the Doctor answered, casually glancing out the window at the party that was still in full swing. "Guess that's it then. I'll never figure out why it all happened now. Hang on," he sat up, fully alert as he focused on the scene in the reception hall. "Those santas… they look like robo scavengers!"
Without hesitation, he snapped his mobile shut and dashed out of the store.
Twenty minutes, a room destroyed by exploding Christmas decorations and a wedding video that revealed Huon particles to the source of their problem later, the Doctor and the happy couple arrived at the headquarter of H.C. Clements, where the two of them worked.
"Lance, he's the head of HR!" the bride, still decked out in white, chirped brightly as she clung to her groom's arm. "And I was just a temp! He didn't need to bother with me. But he was so nice and funny. So that's how it all started, me and him. One cup of coffee. That was it."
"Great," the Doctor muttered absentmindedly as he scanned the room for anything that stood out. It looked just like a regular workplace in a rather bland locksmith company. But something fishy was definitely going on underneath this normal façade. Striding up to the computer, he fished out his sonic screwdriver and began scanning the database for information. "When was this?"
"Six months ago."
He glanced over at the visibly displeased groom. "Bit quick to get married, isn't it?"
She shrugged. "Well, he insisted."
Somehow, the Doctor suspected that wasn't the case. Giving up on the computer for the moment, he turned his attention back to the couple next to him. "You have Huon particles coursing through your body. It's ancient. Huon energy doesn't exist anymore, not for billions of years. Not since the Dark Times. The only place you'd find a Huon particle now is a remnant in the heart of the TARDIS. So I need you to focus and try to remember anything that's out of the ordinary in the past few months. Have you seen lights in the sky, or did you touch something, like something different, strange?"
"No, no," she stuttered, clearly confused with the Doctor's ramble. "What are you talking about?"
The Doctor growled in frustration. Looking around at all the desks, he quickly grabbed a mug and a pencil. He raised both of them to eye-level and demonstrated. "See? Say, that's the TARDIS," he gestured with the mug. "And that's you," he nodded at the pencil. "The particles inside you activated. The two sets of particles magnetised and whap," he dropped the pencil in the mug. "You were pulled into the TARDIS."
"What the hell are we talking about?" Lance demanded to know, staring at both his fiancé and the Doctor like they were both crazy. "Shouldn't we call the police or something?"
The Doctor looked at him, hummed in response before turning his attention back to the computer screen. A few seconds later, he found the information that he was looking for.
He had his suspicions, yes. As soon as he saw the particle extrusion equipment and the resulting product hiding underneath the Thames, the Doctor knew whoever he was dealing with, they had inside help. But it didn't make the truth hurt any less, the Doctor thought as he stood silently beside the bride. He glared at the creature and her consort standing in front of him, knowing that no words would ease the hurt the woman beside him must be feeling at her fiancé's betrayal. A cup of coffee every day, laced with Huon particles in liquid form. She was slowly loaded up with the deadly particles, catalysing the inert particles.
"So you dosed her," the Doctor stated tonelessly, staring up at a creature that he thought was extinct. "But answer me this, what exactly do you need the particles for? What have you hidden underneath here," he nodded at the great big chasm located in the centre of the room.
"I think he wants us to talk?" Lance mocked.
The Empress of the Racnoss cackled. "Well, tough! All we need is her. Activate the particles!" Like a switch, the bride began to glow once more. "And release!" The glowing Huon particles surrounding the bride were all purged and zoomed down into the hole.
At first, nothing happened but then the sound of hundreds of chittering Racnoss filtered up to reach their ears.
"The Racnoss," the Doctor realised. "You were hiding from the war. But they got stuck. With no Huon particles, they were all forced into hibernation, for billions and billions of years."
"Until now," the Empress cackled. "My children, the long lost Racnoss, now reborn to feast on flesh! My babies are hungry, they need sustenance. Let them feast!" With the flick of one of her legs, she sent a startled Lance into the pit.
"Lance!" Despite being betrayed by the man who got her into this mess in the first place, she still screamed in horror as he plummeted down into the dark depth.
There was no time for grief. The Doctor fixed his gaze onto the triumphant Racnoss in front of him. "I'll give you one last chance. I can find you a planet. I can find you and your children a place in the universe to co-exist. Take that offer and end this now. Otherwise, what happens next will be your own doing."
"I'm afraid I'll have to decline." The Empress hissed at him. "My children tonight may feast on Martian flesh!"
He was afraid of that. "I'm not from Mars. My home planet may be far away and long since gone, but its name lives on. Gallifrey."
The Racnoss reared back in surprise, hissing in horror, "they murdered the Racnoss!"
"I warned you. You did this." No second chances, he wasn't that sort of a man.
Well, kids, at that point in my life, I had done a lot of things that I wasn't proud of nor cared to repeat. But all of which were necessary. That was the life I led. It wasn't fun. It wasn't smart. That day, if I hadn't stopped the Racnoss and her fledglings, they would have devoured everything in their path, starting with Earth and then moving onto the rest of the galaxy. That was why we stopped them the first time and that was why I had to stop them again.
However, despite that, I couldn't forget the screaming Empress as she wept for her lost children amongst the sea of flame and flood. The bride pleaded me to stop. That was so human. She was brilliant, all decked out in white and absolutely soaked to the bones. She had been threatened, faced aliens, lost her job and her fiancé all within the span of 24 hours. Yet she stood there, firm and unshaken. I knew she was someone special, which led me to offer her the chance to come with me.
"No," was her small but firm reply.
The Doctor nodded. "That's fine."
Leaving the officials - most likely the UNIT - to deal with the clean-up, the Doctor guided the two of them back to her place. Landing outside her house, they could both see her worried parents clinging to each other, fearing the worst.
"No, but really. Everything we did today. Do you live your life like that?" she asked.
"Not all the time." Though he didn't mean to, even the Doctor could detect a defensive tone in his voice as he leant back against the TARDIS.
"I think you do," her eyes were solemn and knowing. "And I couldn't. Just promise me one thing, though."
Considering all that he's done to her life that day, the Doctor figured it was reasonable. "What's that?"
"Find someone."
"I don't need anyone," he replied with a small smile.
"Yes, you do. Because sometimes, I think you need someone to stop you."
"And that was it," the Doctor said as he settled down onto the TARDIS' jump seat and updated Jack over the phone about what happened. "I'll never see her again."
He waited expectantly for a flippant reply from the former Time Agent but was instead met with silence.
"What?" he demanded to know.
"You should have asked her again!" Jack practically exploded down the line. "A woman who could not only accepted aliens that quickly but could also tolerate your madness? She sounds like someone who's worth asking twice."
"She said no." the Doctor repeated.
"Yeah, women are indecisive like that. I bet you, if you asked her again, she would have said yes."
"How would you know? You weren't even there."
"Doc, when you have my level of experience with women, you just know. Like when you dropped me off at Cardiff last week, I went into this bar – Blaidd Ddrwg it's called – and saw the most gorgeous woman standing there, right in front of me."
"Trust me, she would have said no." the Doctor insisted, though he felt like he was fighting a losing battle.
"Yeah, Doc, we're not on you anymore. Now, back to my story, so there was this hot brunette just standing by the bar and…"
I asked her about it years later. And yeah, if I had asked her again, she would have agreed. But that's the funny thing about destiny, it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I never thought I'd see that loud, abrasive woman again but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that, kids, is the true story –
"Of how I met your Aunt Donna."
Both kids were nodding along to the story, engaged despite their initial reluctance. At the end of that last sentence though, they both gaped, slack jawed, at their father.
"Aunt Donna?"
"I thought this was how you met Mum!" Jacqueline practically screeched.
"Will you relax? I'm getting to it." The Doctor was indignant. It wasn't like him to get off track. Well, okay, sometimes he does. Hm… usually. Well, most of the time. But that was not the point. He never get off track on the important subjects, especially one that was as important as their mother.
In unison, his kids sighed as they settled back into the couch.
Undaunted, the Doctor carried on. "Like I said, it's a long story."
Oh, and you know what, kids? When I met your mother, I did ask twice.