So again i had a rather horrible evening and from it... a disjointed little ramble. Enjoy - or don't. I don't care.
I am tired.
Tired of being everything to everyone.
Tired of always having a sunny disposition while I scream in my head at the top of my lung. 'Help.'
I'm tired of always being the one they count on.
Always having the answer.
Always knowing what's best.
I'm frustrated with the system I have developed.
I hate to turn back now. I can't. How could I?
How could I jeopardize our mission for my own mind.
How could I risk their lives for the savour of my soul? It isn't fair to me, but I wasn't forced.
It's not their fault, the came to me for leadership and seeing how it was I couldn't falter.
I couldn't say no. They needed me, they need me still.
Depend on me for the role I've taken.
What would they do if I stopped? How would they cope?
Mentally I'm exhausted. I'm spent.
My efforts though grand are unappreciated now merely expected.
How have they gotten this far? How did we end this way?
Why did I let it, I could have stopped it at any time.
Now it's to late.
Physically I'm done, my body can't take anymore pressure even when I push it.
I force myself to get up daily glancing around before silently praying today's battle does me in. Ending the torture I've placed upon myself. Ending the efforts, ceasing the pain.
I allow myself no pleasure, give myself no reward.
This is my mission, my duty and I shall fulfill it.
I shall push past my every revolt, my every resistance. Raping the very effort from myself.
They need me.
I have to.
I can't give up. I can't quit. I must go on.
How would it look if I stopped? How would it look if I gave in?
But I'm tired. So very tired.