WANDLESS MAGIC
Hermione had to admit that she was nervous. She'd worked on it for weeks, sneaking up to the Room of Requirement to practice in her spare moments, carefully eavesdropping and asking questions on the sly. Gossip wasn't really her thing, of course, but she wanted as much information as she could get. She adjusted the brim of her fitted cap, and pulled out the potion. It was one she'd crafted herself: it would make the person who drank it give off a heady, potent smell reminiscent of fish- that is, if the people who smelled it didn't know what the scent really was.
She'd chosen to do it this way for a maximum impact. Quiet and meek Hermione Granger? Not tonight. Her brains would be applied to a new form of expression, her excellence poured into a more creative style of thought than a simple filibuster. Quaffing the "fish" potion, Hermione chucked off her school robes and tie, and unzipped her hoodie down to her navel so that her sheer sports bra was showing.
Inside the hall, Dumbledore loudly cleared his throat as he stood. "It's just a Thursday, innit?" Asked Ron Weasley as he chewed a bite of chicken.
"Maybe Snape being our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was a prank and he's gonna tell us who the real instructor is," Theorized Harry. Dumbledore cleared his throat again and motioned for silence.
"Students, students! If I may have your attention. Now, this evening one of Hogwarts' finest will be presenting a lecture on etiquette and the treatment of females-" The announcement was met by a loud chorus of groans from the students, and Dumbledore spied many a facepalm. "Listen! This is a special occasion, as they will be doing so in song." There were even more students slumping down in defeat, and there was a faint "Can somebody use Avada Kedavra on me?" heard from the Slytherin section.
"Bloody etiquette," Ron murmured. "Sounds like something Hermione would do, except minus the singing- she can't carry a tune, believe me."
"Hey, Hermione," Harry began, still looking towards Dumbledore, "Do you thi-" And looking over to where he could've sworn she was a minute ago, Harry saw that she wasn't there. The absence gave him a feeling comparable to a Dementor's kiss.
"Harry? Harry?" Then Ron noticed her absence, too, but he quickly recovered- at least on the outside. "Who knows, it could be Cho Chang or someone..." He said quietly, folding his arms.
"And now!" Dumbledore shouted over the mutterings, "And now, here to perform their song Wandless Magic, I present to you: Pink Power Granger!" There was a small amount of applause, followed by a sharp gasp as Pink Power Granger stepped through the doors to the hall. It was Hermione, wearing denim jorts over fishnet stockings, her pink hoodie, a black fitted cap with a wide brim, and a pair of Air Jordans she had lifted from a store near her home. On her shoulder was a large boombox, which she set down before pulling out her wand.
"Sonorus! Wand check one two! Yo." Pressing play on the boombox, a funky rap beat blared out from the device. After nodding along with the beat for a moment, she choked up on her wand and raised it to her mouth.
"I've got something to say, I think it is quite tragic
How none of you boys can work wandless magic! Uh, Uh
This is a free handout, you'd better grab it
Before your dirty ways become a habit! Uh, uh,
I'm half muggle, half witch, a hundred percent woman
If you think I'm all bitch, you've got another thing comin'
When you look at the facts, it really is quite stunning
And I've got a long list, so let me tell you somethin':
Let me start with Ron Weasley,
With his measly five inch cock, he thinks he's hot,
That firecrotch has got my pussy on lock!
Newsflash, asshat: you won't get near my twat
Or touch my hooters, so stop crowing about your 'rooster'
Your attempts at romance will always fail, because
I know that you just wanna touch my genitalia
Dammit, you don't even ask me about the weather!
Or how I did my hair, or my shoes, or whatever!
If it's about your dick, then expect me to make a fuss;
Keep pushing it and maybe I will sever us!"
Ron's face went from beet red to ghost white at the last line, his jaw hanging open like a jack-o-lantern.
"And all you other boys, I've got you on my checklist
I won't hold back, I'm about to get reckless
Punch your teeth out, give you a real pearl necklace
Yo! If a girl's body has got you shiverin',
Hufflepuffin' at her Gryffindor, wantin' to Slytherin
You'd better make sure that you're sexually literate-
If you look in a bestiary, you won't find a clitoris
So before you undress and try to give her slit a lick
You gotta watch your manners: don't act like a dick!
Conversation's about more than your prick,
Maybe you could ask her about her interests,
And how she wants it; maybe she just wants a kiss,
Long and slow, to get a good taste of your lips
And maybe then you could slowly stroke her hips
Give a sly wink, trade a couple quips,
Then let your little lover pull you into her grip
And do you think we'll just take this lying on our backs?
All my ladies stand up, it's time to take the power back!"
Harry took off his glasses and rubbed them clean, then blinked hard a few times. Apparently this was actually happening. He looked down the table to see how Ginny was reacting to the rap, and he caught her eye. She smirked, and looked back to Hermione, who had unzipped her fly after repeating the last couplet a few times.
"So let's say you're real fine, the type to wine and dine
But you won't date a girl below a 'six point nine',
Or a 'nine', or even a 'nine point eight'
Right now you motherfuckers have ALL OF MY HATE!
You only want meat? You've fucking got it on your plate!
It won't bitch about its hair, and probably tastes great
So I dare you, come up and put a knife to my neck,
Words can cut people open, so treat your girl with respect
Not like a china doll, like she's got a brain on her neck
Don't try to stimulate her body before you engage her intellect
That's a good way to turn a friendship into a mess
Yes, you can dress to impress, but don't forget the rest-
So write this down, bitches! It'll be on the test!
Our eyes! We love our tits too, but they can't see you
We wanna see yours- are they sea green or sea blue?
Your eyes are the windows that your soul sees through
And we don't wanna see a guy just looking for free food!"
Looking to his side, Harry saw Ron had shrunk in on himself, holding his head in his hands. A surprising number of girls were now shouting the "take the power back" couplet with Hermione; he could clearly hear Ginny's voice among them. He looked down at his plate, and the cut of steak he'd started on, and found he had lost his appetite. Perhaps permanently.
"Yo! Next up is Neville Longbottom,
His schlong's got 'em down on their knees,
Wanting to 'hufflepuff' him, they're just begging please
Bitches be gettin' testy wantin' to test his testes;
And this comes naturally to him, he does it with ease
But it's like he doesn't know about the birds and the bees!
Bitch, please!
You gotta know how to read the signs!
Twirling our hair? We'd like your fingers twirling there
We'd like to intersect with your vector, if we're facing to you square
Good looks and body Braille just can't compare,
Sometimes we get goosebumps just from a knowing stare
Even if we don't say it you gotta know it's there,
That language of love! It's how we learn to scream your name
If you can't read it that's a crying shame-
You'd be better off ass-fucking He Who Must Not Be Named!
If a player doesn't know that he's in the game,
Then he's never gonna win the glory and the fame!
And Draco Malfoy, Lucius' little boy
Tries to impress the girls with an unimpressive toy
Walking around like he's Merlin's second coming
But in the bedroom, after a few seconds he's cumming
And covering up his squeaky orgasms by humming
A melody his flute couldn't play out on its own,
With a silent coda- lasting until some shit fizzes up like soda!
The weasel already popped, the beaver didn't pawn off it's top
It just waited for the rodent to quit pawing its top!
Gents, don't start getting overconfident
You prob'ly can't last five minutes without stopping it
And if you don't got it, but you're flaunting it
You'll moan like Myrtle and end up pussy whipped
And not even the shower will help you get over it-
Because you'll hear us moaning there, our orgasms haunting it!
So that should help your habits when you deal with girls
Friendship isn't magic, bitch! Welcome to the real world!"
As Hermione repeated the "take the power back" lines this time, all the girls, even the first years, were shouting along with her. Harry felt numbness spreading from his face; his jaw had been hanging open so long. At the moment his only comfort was that Draco Malfoy wouldn't be sleeping easy, but that was a small comfort at best. After finishing and soaking up the applause from the female students for a moment, Hermione did something even more unexpected- she walk over to the Ravenclaw table, grabbed someone and gave them a fierce kiss. Harry couldn't see who, as everyone had immediately stood to get a better view, and anyways by the time he stood Hermione had pulled up her bra to flash to room and then turned to leave. It took a full five minutes for the room to quiet down to a reasonable level, and then some of the older girls started repeating the hook of Wandless Magic. At the edges of the room were catcalls directed at Malfoy, and Neville Longbottom had several death glares aimed at him. Harry shook his head clear and looked up to the headmaster's table, where Professor McGonagall could be seen calmly eating a bite of mashed potatoes, and Dumbledore took a sip from his goblet before clearing his throat and smiling gleefully.
"A hundred points to Gryffindor. Now, I believe it is time for some tea and chumpits!"
THE END