This is the day, she decides immediately after waking. She lies in her bed feeling new, refreshed, revived. She stretches and it feels as if the stress of the past few months escape through her fingertips, back, knees. There is still dismay; clear in the form of grayness that has slowly started popping up, unwanted on her scalp. There is sadness; clear in the form of eyes that shine a little dimmer than normal. (Normal seeming like a distant memory.) Her worn body discovers new feelings of excitement and determination; a rediscovered confidence. Today is where it is going to begin.
She feels like she has been in a womb. Her eyes have a glaze that almost feels prenatal. She could blame it on the tears, but they had yet to come. She could blame it on too much sleep, but the clock on the opposite side of the bed tells her otherwise. The sun seems foreign and colors seem new. She sinks back into her bed and revels in her rebirth.
------------------------Coffee. The smell was unmistakable, the addiction, undeniable, and the craving, unpredictable. Lorelai lifts her head to see over the slumbering body of Luke, reading the numbers on the clock next to the bed.
Weeks earlier he had thoughtfully suggested it be moved to his side because of his ungodly hours of waking. They had started habitually spending the night with each other after their emotional reconciliation following the Emily and Christopher fiasco. Lorelai referred to it as, (still a little hesitant of using the C-word around Luke), her "dark month". When Luke started spending more time at the Gilmore house, small changes were made. Lorelai gave him a drawer, space in the closet, made necessary adjustments to bathroom drawers, as well as the rest of the usual boyfriend-friendly behavior. But other changes were made as well. Lorelai parked her car to the side of her driveway so his truck could get in and out easily, she would leave her overhead fan on at night because she knew Luke had a tendency to get hot at night, and the alarm clock was moved to the opposite side of the bed.
The numbers glow 8:20 on this particular morning and Lorelai looks at Luke for signs of waking. He is deep asleep, and she has no intentions of waking him. It was officially the first day in months that he had taken off from work. Today they were spending the day together, like a normal couple might on a weekend or holiday. And if it weren't for the craving slowly crawling up her spine, she was sure she would have fallen back asleep as well. But she could taste it, and smell it, and feel it sliding down her throat. She wants coffee.
She carefully starts the painstakingly slow journey out of bed. Every move calculated, slowly inching herself out from under his arm. As she slides her bottom half off of the bed, Luke slightly moves in his sleep. She freezes awkwardly with her feet mere inches from the ground. When she regains confidence that he is still asleep, she slides the remainder of her body off of the bed. She tiptoes out of the room and down the stairs. She can practically smell it brewing.
Never would Lorelai be caught dead out of bed on a Saturday before nine-by choice anyway. But today, she had a certain spring in her step.
Maybe it was the slumbering prince upstairs, or maybe it was the afterglow. Maybe it was just the anticipation of the day. Maybe it was the coffee. Don't forget the coffee.
It is shiny as the sun strikes the metallic pot. She goes through the motions methodically, dumping the old grounds, filling it with water, new filter, a couple of extra scoops for good luck and posterity, and then, the rewarding 'start' button. She sits idly waiting for the pleasurable gurgling sounds signaling the process nearing completion. When the hiccups begin, she gets up, grabs a cup from the cupboard, and stands by her loyal coffee maker, willing the last bit of water to drop through the filter. As she breathes in the luscious scent, a warm smile crosses her face.
She fills her cup to the rim and makes for the front door. She steps out feeling the glow of the sun on her face. She sits down on the swing, with her legs propped up, knees to her chest, sipping her delicious reward.
It's a beautiful morning, everything peaceful. Birds chirping could only make it seem more surreal. She giggles softly as she notices Babette's gnomes positioned, once again, in a way that would surely make Luke blush. The Samson boys had been at it again. They had always spared her house from their mischievous behavior ever since she had given them two entire candy bars last Halloween. Of course no formal agreement was made, but she was pretty sure it would ensure her title as 'a cool adult'. She heard Babette was giving out boxes of raisins. Lorelai almost didn't blame the kids. She makes a mental note to let her neighbor in on her secret bargaining tool.
The rain starts to gently fall and Lorelai looks up, as if to ensure the porch still has a ceiling. The feeling that passes through her body was one of content. Well caffeine and contentedness. Her life was finally coming together, it seemed. She was in a strong relationship, Rory was happy and following her ambitions, and the Dragonfly was doing great. She thinks of Luke, up in her bed, sleeping past six. (Quite a feat for a man who has been waking before the sun for years.) They had been dating for nearly a year, and fallen into a comfortable routine. It was a comfort like the fleece inside a new sweatshirt. Everything was going great; they were happy. It is that knowledge that just makes the coffee taste better.
------------------------If she could never kiss him again, touch him again, sleep beside him again, she would understand. She had to. It was his call after all. It had taken the ultimate betrayal for her to see how much she needed him. A great big catch-22. The one thing that she had to do to realize how much he meant to her, was the one thing that may keep her from ever getting him back.
If she could never hold him again, it wouldn't be from lack of trying. He deserved to know, he needed to know. If nothing else, a wise sitcom character once said, "It's always great to know someone loves you." Or something like that.
Besides, today is the first day of her life. Only if she rolled over to see Emily Gilmore smiling down proudly at her, could she feel like this was any more of the truth. As disturbing as that thought is, she feels more like herself for the first time in months. A wiser, more weathered version, yes, but new nonetheless.
They had parted amicably two weeks before. Christopher had been mature, understanding, and heartbroken. Never in a million years did she think she could ever use the words "mature" and "Christopher" in the same sentence. He had been. He didn't deserve to be loved less than he was able to love. She knew that, he knew that. He loved her. He was in love with her completely. She, however, couldn't return the sentiment to the degree he deserved. It was his love that allowed her to walk away, and for her oldest friend, she wished him happiness and the dedication he was worthy of. They had put the past into the ground. Lorelai decided that if there was time to turn around, she was going to.
------------------------"Good morning sleepy head."
Luke turns his head to kiss the inside of her hand, slowly closing his eyes again. "What are you doing up?"
Lorelai smiles. She loves his soft demeanor in the morning. Of course usually she was the one who was asleep, him leaning down to kiss her before he left for the diner. All the same, it makes her unconsciously stick out her lips, regarding him as if he were a child.
She brushes his hair to the side of his face, "Just admiring my sleeping beauty."
"Aw jeez." It is such a Luke thing to say, yet the words are almost unrecognizable because of the soft, tired way the words come from his mouth.
"You can go back to sleep if you want," she coos.
"And let you just ogle me?" His smile matches hers.
"Admire," she corrects him.
His eyes open again, giving her a proper 'good morning' kiss. He licks his lips, wakening ever so more. "You've already had a cup of coffee?"
She nods, grinning, "You should have seen me sneaking out of bed. It was like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible."
"What time is it?" He starts to sit up, but Lorelai keeps her hands firmly on his face. It doesn't take much to keep him down.
"You wouldn't believe it if I told you."
"Eight?"
She grins devilishly, shaking her head. "Nine."
"Nine?" She nods affirmatively. He lays his head back down on the pillow, sighing, relaxed. "I haven't sleep this long in years."
She watches him lovingly, "Well it was about time then."
"I guess so."
------------------------It had taken her two weeks. For two weeks, she had been trying to build herself up for what was sure to be a complete and utter rejection. Her plan had been simple. To try and win him back; to do everything in her power to be with him again. She would start by regaining his friendship and try to start again. It had taken one small memory to convince her otherwise.
It had been a morning like any other, or so it seemed. He had woken her up as he was leaving for the diner. He kissed her and wished her a good day. She had closed her eyes, drifting back off to sleep, assuming he had started to make his way to work. It was a few minutes later when she heard him shift. Slowly she had opened her eyes and saw him looking down at her. She had smiled up at him and he had given her a small grin in return. He had knelt beside her and smoothed her hair. She had gently muttered that she had thought he had gone to work. His expression turned serious, and her stomach had flipped suddenly. "I love you", he said. She shyly smiled at him and he kissed her forehead lingering. She had been silent. "I will always love you. We can never been just friends again, you know that right? You, Lorelai Gilmore, are my sweetest downfall." His lips had tickled her forehead and before she could pull him down to her, he had turned and walked out of the door.
This lovely moment had scarred her soul. It had saddened her, those sweet words that she could never return. It had been the first time he declared his feelings so vocally, and she had been unable to return the sentiment. She knew now, that he had always been afraid of losing her. He had always been afraid. He had given her the power to break his heart. She feared she had never been as completely vulnerable in their love.
Her goal had since evolved. She lowered her expectations and ultimately decided that she could no longer be selfish with her love. With all that had happened in past few months, he deserved no less than her honesty. There would be no more games. She would lay it all on the table, and make it clear to him that she expects nothing in return. Vulnerability. Her heart would now be his.
She approaches the town square confidently. It is early. Earlier than anyone would expect to see Lorelai Gilmore walking around. The diner has barely opened and the one patron, Kirk, sits sipping something from a mug and, from her view from across the square, seems to be engaging Luke in a conversation that will surely leave him scratching his head and/or restraining himself behind the counter.
Her purpose is clear in her mind. Her expectations: none. If he says nothing, she will understand. She expects as much.
She approaches and, as if he can hear her, he lifts his head immediately. Through the window, he looks at her a little surprised, and she gives him a sincere smile and lifts her hand in a small wave. He immediately returns her smile, albeit smaller, and she recognizes it as uncomfortable. There's no doubt to either of them that today's the day she's finally returning to the diner. It had been six months. He can see the determination on her face, and she has yet to waver from her path.
When she steps inside the diner, she is nearly toppled over by the force in which Kirk hugs her.
"You're back! We've missed you Lorelai. I kept telling everyone you'd be back, and here you are." He steps back giving her time to recover, "Taylor owes me money. He was going to take you off the town council membership list and I said, 'Taylor, Lorelai will be back. I'd put money on it.' He said, that you could stay on the list if I paid your membership dues until you come back to pay your own dues."
"I never left Star's Hollow, Kirk."
He starts to protest, and Lorelai sees the shovel she's digging with and changes the subject quickly, "Wait. I'm in the town council?"
"Any and all citizens of Stars Hollow that have frequented town meetings for over ten years were inducted last month." He beams proudly, tugging at his pants like an old man regarding his family. If he were wearing suspenders, Lorelai is sure he would snap them against his chest. "It was my idea. I think Taylor's starting to consider me his right hand man. Though, he is left-handed. I've been toying around with 'left-hand man' but it doesn't have the same ring to it."
Lorelai smiles sincerely. She had missed this town. "Good for you Kirk."
"So as the 'left-hand man', I'll take cash or a check. I'll need you to write your phone number on the check though, in case it bounces."
"What?"
"For your backed fees." He pulls out a pad from seemingly nowhere and begins to scribble, "You owe roughly six hundred, seventy four dollars and thirty-six cents."
She's taken aback, "What?"
"We can round it up to seven hundred. No harm, no foul."
"Kirk! Seven hundred dollars in membership fees?" she's understandably baffled.
"Well I forgot to mention interest. It's the price you pay for your betrayal to this town," he adds authoritatively.
She narrows her lips and breathes deeply, reaching into her purse.
"A check probably makes the most sense in this case," Kirk chides.
She has nearly forgotten her original purpose until Luke's voice breaks through the silence. "Leave her alone Kirk," he turns towards Lorelai, "Don't give him any money."
"Now Luke, I know that you are bitter you weren't asked to be on the town council but you can not interfere with this process," Kirk says, sounding more and more like Taylor everyday.
Luke gives him a stern look that causes Kirk to tuck his tail between his legs. He leans towards Lorelai, "We'll do this later, I guess. Good to have you back Lorelai. " He gives Luke a quick glance and returns to his table, sulking.
Her confidence has wavered in the few minutes she has been standing in this spot. All the talk about her abandonment of the town had put her off course. She considers asking for a coffee to-go and leaving the diner in shame. She probably would if it weren't for the fact that Luke has taken the initiative to pour her coffee in a ceramic cup and sit it on the counter in front of a stool. She takes this as a sign she's doing the right thing.
As if she needed further proof of the importance of this day, her legs begin to feel a little shaky. She starts to feel subconscious standing still in her spot in the diner. She has to take a step forward. The coffee gesture makes her want to cry, and she probably would, but she can't. Part of the plan is no tears, no sympathy. To tell him the cold, hard facts, being completely honest. She stares at the cup and looks up to Luke, who has since turned his back to her and is shuffling through receipts.
A deep breath clears her head, and she approaches the counter. She sits on the stool in which Luke had designated her to sit. It's not her cup and it's not the stool she had once tried to write her name on. The seat is one over, and so close that she wonders if Luke had simply forgotten.
As she sits he turns towards her, "So," he takes a deep breath, "It's been a while."
She nods, "It's good to see you."
He gives her a once over, "You too." This was all too civil for her liking.
She continues the small talk, "How have you been?"
The sincerity of his voice makes her realize how Chris must of felt, "Good. I've been good."
She covers up her disappointment? She scolds herself internally and responds quickly, "Good yeah, good."
"Well, congratulations."
She looks at him surprised.
"I'm happy for you. I really am."
"But-"
"It's okay Lorelai. I know why you're here."
"But-" she tries again.
"Look, it's okay. You don't have to break it to me. We don't have to dance around it. You're engaged. I heard and I'm happy for you. Congratulations." He's telling the truth, she can tell. He is sincere and she wants to cry again.
His hand is warm on hers for a split second as he pats it in a friendly manner. She wonders why he hasn't even glanced at her finger. Her empty finger. She wills him to look down, but he has turned around yet again. When have all the men in her life become so mature? She hasn't touched her coffee and it's getting cold. She realizes she's lost her nerve.
Her voice is shaky, "Thanks. Thank you," she finally replies to his back. He turns around and nods to her smiling, returning to his task at hand just as quickly. She sits in silence and doesn't hear as Kirk approaches her. He hands her a business card. She looks at it questioningly.
"You may be interested in my services," he explains nodding to her empty finger.
Luke turns around to Kirk, "No solicitors Kirk," he punctuates this by pointing to the sign on the door.
"Sorry Luke," he shrugs innocently, Luke turns back around sighing. Kirk leans in Lorelai conspiratorially, "You can pass that along. You'll need a ring to seal that deal," he finishes with a wink.
Luke whips back around looking menacingly towards Kirk. In fear that he might jump the counter to throttle Kirk, Lorelai raises her hand to stop Luke.
"It's okay. I'm not in need of his services. Thanks but no thanks, Kirk."
"Ah-ha!" Kirk points to Lorelai knowingly, "I knew it! You aren't engaged anymore!"
This isn't how it was supposed to go. "No, no I'm not." She looks at Luke for some sign of understanding, but all she sees from him is pity.
"Oh. Geez, all that talk," he shakes his head, "I'm sorry."
Once again he's sincere and she has to get out of here. She knew going in that she couldn't expect anything, but the sting of his indifference to first her engagement, and now, the cancellation of her engagement, cuts her unexpectedly deep. She shouldn't have come. She opens her mouth to give him a litany of lame excuses to leave, but stops short. His words echo through her head. He deserves to know.
------------------------"I love you," his voice is still scratchy with sleep. He stares into her eyes meaningfully as they slowly begin to open. She smiles at him sleepily.
"Good morning," he softly continues.
She runs her hand down his face and grins at him. She leans her head up to meet his and kisses him softly. He takes his hand up to her cheek and runs his thumb along her cheekbone. She responds tearfully, "I love you."
------------------------"What?"
It looks like someone had knocked his feet from under him. He leans on the counter.
"I love you," she repeats. He opens his mouth, but she raises her hand to silence him.
"Please don't say anything. I know it's crazy. I know I'm crazy. I know I'm poison. I'm damaged goods. I don't want you to say anything. I just thought you should know. You were never just the guy who poured my coffee, and you probably never will be. You're my Ava Gardner," she smiles sadly and realizes she's crying, and quickly brings her hand up to her face, "And god, I promised myself I wasn't going to cry. God, I'm sorry." She wipes her tears away. "But god Luke, if you pouring my coffee is all you can be to me, then I want that. I don't deserve anything from you, I know that," she adds quickly. "I heard that it's always nice to know someone loves you", she adds lamely, and she thinks he gives her a small smile, but can't know for sure because her vision is a little blurry and her mind is racing through all the things she wants to say to him.
She takes a deep breath, gathering courage. "So in a couple of days, if it's okay with you, I'm going to come in for breakfast," she cuts herself off suddenly, "With less tears I promise," she tries to smile, but it's fruitless and she continues, "But I had to tell you. You deserve to know that this customer loves you and will always love you, and that my intentions are not all that honorable. I don't want to be just your customer but I'll take what I can get. And if you'll pour my coffee, I'd be honored to know that I haven't lost you completely with all that has happened," Thinking of her words, she adds embarrassed, "And with this completely inappropriate confession."
With a finality that assures him she's finished, she asks, "So is that okay?"
He nods before he realizes he is and says, "Okay," because what else can he say?
She's out of the door before he realizes there's money lying on the counter. The only thing that remains is this dull ache in his chest that resembles pity.
"At least she paid you."
And Kirk.