Broken All Along.
I stand on the edge, looking down at the water which looks hundreds of feet below. I watch as the rough soulless waves crash against the sharp rocky shores below. The wind whips threw my hair angrily, leaving it a knotted mess. But that's fine, not like it's gonna matter anyway.
I curl my bare toes in the grass under my feet. I enjoy the tickling sensation that it gives me. I find myself tilting my head back towards the sky and spreading my arms to embrace the cold wind that bellows around me.
The sky is a dark angry colour of gray, swirling above me from the malicious storm that is headed my way. I want to wait for it to begin to rain. To feel the wetness pelting down on my skin, just one more time. I don't have to worry about any one finding me. I am invisible.
The only person that even knows this place other then me is my only real friend. I remember the day that i showed it to him...
"where are we going birdie?" he asks, as I pull him threw the forest. I smile. "Just a little further" I say. And it was true. The walk to get here is only 25 minutes at most, But Gilbert has the patience of a two year old. We walk along the over grown path for another 5 minutes. The brush is starting to this, i and can see the blue sky peeping threw the trees that mark the end of the little foot path.
We break out of the trees and into the sunlight. It's beautiful. We are on a high cliff face that over looks the ocean. The sky is blew with little to no clouds, and the sun is beaming down on us. But the part that i always loved was the water. The way it shined and moved, as though it were alive. It looks so calm and peaceful that i sigh.
"So this is the place? It's really beautiful Birdie" I hear Gilbert's mellow voice from behind me. I can hear his footsteps coming closer. Soon he is by my side, and slings his arm around my shoulder. He looks over at me and grins.
I nod. "this is where i come whenever i feel upset, or have an off day. It calms me to be here." I say quietly. I have been coming here a lot lately. With Ivan bullying me and Carlos constantly mistaking me for my brother, and the rest of the world ignoring the fact that i was even there. But that's not what i want to think about right now.
Right now, I am happy.
And it was true. I was happy then. But that was almost a year ago, and since then everything has gone to shit. Ivan has gotten even more violent, and Carlos, will either hit me, thinking I'm my brother, or we will...touch me, when he knows I'm not.
I feel a rain drop hit my face and realise I am still staring up at the sky. More follow until I am being pelted by rain. It feels good against the bare parts of my skin, so I take off my hoodie. I look down at my arms and see the scars. New and old that i have been giving myself for four years. Since eight grade i have been feeling like this, but i had never felt like ending it all before.
Those thoughts didn't start until i met Ivan in tenth grade. He would pick on me, pushing me over and shoving me into lockers. Then this year, he started to get more violent, punching me and kicking me. He made it a game to hear my voice, normally shy and quiet, beg and plead and scream.
I notice that my eyes are closed and i open then. I can see the seagulls in the distance swirling and gliding effortlessly across the wind currents. Well i guess it's now or never. I lower my arms and turn my head to the tree line. Although i don't know why. I'm not expecting anyone to stop me, and I'm the only one who knows about this place.
The tree line looks so creepy and ominous right now. The wind washing threw it in waves, causing the branches to sway wildly. I turn forward and take a breath. I wonder if anyone will notice I'm gone? My brother will... eventually. Gilbert will notice when I'm not at school for a couple of days, and will probably ask my dads, who won't know who he's talking about. Yeah, the worlds not going to miss me.
My rain soaked skin is starting to sting, but that's okay. I reminds me that for these last few moments, I am alive. I am ready now. I take my place right on the edge or the cliff, my toes peeking over the edge at the water below.
I feel warm water an my face. I bring my hand up to my face and realize that I'm crying. I bight my lip as ii try to hold back anymore. I don't want to leave this world crying. That's just not how i saw it.
"Matthew?" I freeze hearing my name coming from a voice behind me. I turn my head towards the forest and see a sopping wet figure with white hair and bright red eyes that pierce threw my skull, seeing into my soul. Shit. This was not supposed to happen. I open my mouth to try to say something, but all that comes out is a chocking sound.
He looks at me, and the look makes me want to cry even more. The look in his eyes is so full of pain and broken trust. I imagine that my eyes would probably look just as upset. I turn around and brace myself. I hear his footsteps approaching fast behind me. I have to do it now. I push my feet off the ground. It's a great feeling, my toes pushing threw the dirt before leaving the ground, the wind in my hair, the hand wrapping around my wrist.
Wait, what? I feel a cold hand rap its way around my wrist. Crap. I didn't jump fast enough. I feel my arm being jerked backwards, My body hits something solid, and I feel arms wrap around me. Gilbert is shaking. I try to pull away, but he holds me tighter. I can hear him whispering, why birdie why? And i feel the rush that was coursing threw might veins when i jumped fading away as I burst into tears.
I feel him rub the back of my head soothingly, as i cry into his already soaked shoulder. We stay like this for a while. After about fifteen minutes he pulls back slowly, i try to cling to him but he won't let me. He looks angry at me and it makes me curl in on myself.
He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. The betrayal in his eyes is more then i can take
"Why birdie? Why do you feel this way?" his voice is pained.
"B-because" I whisper he doesn't know about the bullying, or the cutting. I don't know how he is going to take it.
"for about two years now" I begin, surprised at how steady my voice is. " I have been physically bullied by Ivan, and sometimes Carlos, Although he prefers to... touch me" a shudder rocks my spine violently " I started to.. cut myself.. in eighth grade, after a couple of months of getting beat up because people thought I was my brother. I have only been feeling suicidal for a year, but my invisibility has caused me to be depressed for most of my life."
I didn't even notice that i was looking down until i was done speaking and realized that i was staring at my hands. I look up at Gilbert and see that the anger in his eyes has turned to sadness. The rain pelting my body has finally gotten to me and I start to shiver. I raise my arms to try and cover more of my body.
Gilbert grabs my left arm and pulls it towards himself. When I realize what he is doing, I pull my arm close to my chest. I don't want him to see my scars. Not yet. When he feels me pull against him, he doesn't fight me, he instead lets me pull my arms to my chest. He leans in and holds me to his chest, whispering to me. He presses his lips to my forehead and murmurs something in German.
"I-I'm sorry, what?" I say quietly not hearing him. He leans back and looks at me. " I said, ich leibe dich" I smile a little through all of the sadness I am feeling, my face turning red. Gilbert stands slowly, bringing me up with him, still holding me to his chest. "come on birdie, lets go home."
I nod and he leads me back through the forest, to his car. He doesn't drive me home, like I think he is going to, instead he brings me back to his house, where he gives me a pair of pyjamas to wear. I blush as I turn around and change into them.
Once we are both ready for bed, we crawl under the covers, where Gilbert wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him. I wiggle to get comfortable and find myself nuzzling into his chest. I don't think that Gilbert plans on ever letting me go again.
And I'm just fine with that.