Kurt was going to go crazy; literally crazy. He was caught between a rock and a hard place. He was dancing in the purgatory of 'this is my fault' and 'I know this isn't my fault'. 'This is my fault' seemed to win the tiny tug of war each time.
Truthfully it was not his fault, not exactly. It was an issue with Keenan's brain, something Kurt had no control over. That did not make Kurt feel any better. Even with Blaine at his side, Kurt still felt the crushing weight of his son's often trivialized exceptionality.
"Is something going on at home, Mr. Hummel?" They asked through tight lips. Their judgmental stares wore Kurt down to almost nothing each and every time he heard the question. The answer was no; always no. Nothing was going on at home. He and Blaine led the most routine of routine lives. They woke up at exactly the same time each morning, and they readied themselves before waking the curly haired little boy. They woke him up at exactly 6:45 every single day. Everything was a routine and they did not deviate. They knew better.
"Is there something that we're doing wrong?" They asked after Kurt vehemently denied any shifty goings at home. Yes, he thought each time. He never said yes as blatantly as he wanted to though, choosing to ease into what the school needed to do to accommodate his son.
Each time he ran down the same list. Keenan needed a place to go when he was frustrated, he needed a list of classroom rules that he kept with him as a reminder, he needed clear instructions - one at a time- of what he was expected to do on any given task, and, most importantly, he needed to be told when the classroom plan was deviating from his expectations. "If he is expecting to go to gym on Monday then he needs to be in that gym on Monday or you need to pull him aside and let him know. I know it may be an inconvenience for you but it will help with these meetings."
"That's fine." They said, though Kurt knew it wasn't. "But what about in the real world? In the real world people aren't going to hold his hand. They aren't going to sit him down and say 'Oh, Keenan, such and such didn't come to work today." The cattiness was always evident in their voices. Kurt wondered how many years these women, the three that sat in the conference room with him at each and every meeting, had taught. If they'd been teaching for a number of years then surely they had encountered a child with a hard luck case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder before.
Kurt, as of his most recent meeting, could do nothing but shrug when the question was asked. He did not have answer for that. All he could do was hope that they could get Keenan on a schedule of medication that would control his symptoms and hope that his emotional maturity would catch up with his age. Some days Kurt was completely certain that neither would happen.
Blaine was tired, so painfully tired. He'd gone to bed at a reasonable time the night before but that did not mean he slept. Instead he watched as Kurt slept. It seemed Kurt was getting better at sleeping through his stress while Blaine was getting worse.
It all started when Keenan entered first grade. Up until the first month of first grade, Blaine would have sworn that he had the most mature child in the world. He was quirky Keenan and Blaine was his Stitch. It was in that first month that Blaine began to notice things. For instance, he'd never really noticed Keenan's complete inability to walk. Instead the little boy was always running. He ran up the stairs, down the stairs, into the kitchen, out of the bathroom, around the living room; everywhere. Keenan was a running machine. This took place despite Kurt's best efforts to get his son to stop.
After the running, Blaine noticed the random whining. It was evident while he and Kurt dated but it seemed to increase tenfold as Keenan got older. Whenever Kurt said 'no', Keenan would whine. It was the most frustrating sound to ever land upon Blaine's ears.
Last, and most alarming, was the temper tantrums. Keenan went from being fairly mild tempered to having complete meltdowns at the drop of a pin. Taking away a toy for any infraction began to result in hour long meltdowns. They eventually reached a point where they stopped disciplining the boy completely in hopes of avoiding a major episode.
Blaine hated it. The few months between the onset of Keenan's symptoms and their trip to visit a psychologist were Hell for Blaine. He felt like a prisoner in his own home and that killed him. Worse, he knew Kurt felt like a failure as a father, which simply wasn't true. Kurt was an amazing father. He did everything for his little boy and it infuriated Blaine to see their son treating Kurt in such a way.
On the day of the appointment, Kurt, Keenan, and Blaine entered a quaint office and answered a number of questions. The psychologist asked about their own histories as well as that of their families. Kurt and Blaine answered each to the best of their abilities before being dismissed into the waiting area. Keenan stayed.
For the next half - hour Kurt and Blaine thumbed blindly through copies of Psychology Today while they waited impatiently for an answer. When they were called back into the office they were sorely disappointed to hear that they would not only be making another appointment to receive results but that they would be meeting with a counselor.
Blaine noticed Kurt's body seize immediately as the words left the woman's mouth. Despite the fact that Blaine was frightened himself, he placed a soothing hand on his husband's back. Whatever happened would happen and they would get through it. They always did.
The following week they met with the counselor. Kurt and Blaine shared the love seat that was crammed into her office while Keenan sat on the floor, rolling around like a dog. Had the situation been different then Blaine would have found it adorable. Keenan hadn't let his love of animals die. In this setting, however, Blaine was on edge. "Stop it, Keenan." He gritted out a number of times. Keenan snickered at him before continuing to roll around it. The Counselor -Ms. Sue, as she asked to be referred as - wrote this down and Blaine was certain that they'd gotten off on a wrong foot.
The session went better than he expected, however. Ms. Sue was kind and immediately jumped into ways for Kurt and Blaine to combat Keenan's adverse behavior. Kurt, as expected, wrote each word down while Blaine worked to commit the words to memory. They would do anything at this point.
By the end of the session, Kurt had two and a half pages of notes and Blaine was beginning to feel the weight lifting from his shoulders. It sounded like this woman knew what she was doing...until she didn't, of course.
"And, I know you haven't spoken with Dr. Smith - the psychologist - again but you need to know this." She began. Kurt and Blaine instantly sat forward as if it would help them hear her better, despite her booming, Boston strong accent. "The kid's got a clear cut case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and I can tell that just from watching him now. You're definitely going to want to speak with a pediatrician or psychiatrist about medication."
That was where Ms. Sue lost them. Kurt's jaw was on the floor while Blaine was staring at the woman as if she'd just told him strip and jog through a church.
"I'm sorry, what?" He eventually asked. "You're trying to tell me that he's acting like this because of a little ADHD. He can't pay attention so he acts a fool. That's ridiculous." Blaine could feel his heart beating a mile a minute. There was no way! No. Way.
Kurt spoke up next. "We don't want to medicate him. We don't want our child doped up on drugs at such a young age."
Undeterred, Ms. Sue turned her office chair towards Kurt and stared him straight in the eye. "Do you have any idea what ADHD actually is? I know what the stigma is and I know how it's trivialized by many but do you have any idea what it actually is."
Kurt wanted to say yes, wanted to defend himself, but ultimately could not. Slowly, Blaine watched as Kurt's head shook side to side. Truth be told, he only knew what he'd heard from teachers and the media about kids that danced too much in public or spoke out of turn.
"Well, let me explain it then." And she did. With each word that Ms. Sue spoke the realizations began to fall like epiphanies from the sky.
She began with the basics; the run of the mill definition that involved inattention and inability to sit still. It was what she finished with that blew their minds. It was the impulsivity - a third and frightening aspect of the disorder that neither man had considered but knew would require a majority of their attention.
"...inability to regulate emotions at an age appropriate level. This is actually referred to as Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation. It's likely why you're seeing the volatile meltdowns. It's why he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of his actions when he's throwing scissors across the room but grows remorseful when he calms down. It's why he whines seemingly without provocation. A study at UC- Berkeley hinted at the fact that most ADHD children function mentally at age appropriate levels but may function emotionally at an age range anywhere from 2-4 years younger than they actually are. That leaves the possibility that he's only able to regulate his emotions at the level of a 2 to 4 year old. That's a big jump for a kid that's doing first grade work."
The two were dumbfounded but Ms. Sue wasn't done. "And for you not wanting to 'dope' your son up, I get where you're coming from. These things are scary. As someone who's lived with it and raised children with it I'm going to say that you'll do it if it ultimately proves necessary. You love your son and would only do the best for him. If he was diabetic and needed insulin would you consider not giving it to him because society has stigmatized his disorder?"
"What? No." Kurt insisted. "But that's different, insulin is necessary."
"And so is having a brain that works properly. Right now Keenan's brain is going haywire. It needs something to slow it down so he can think about why it's a bad idea to lick Julie's face before he does it." Ms. Sue continued. "But...ya know...you didn't hear that from me. You still have to keep your appointment with Dr. Smith."
Kurt and Blaine, despite themselves, chuckled along with Ms. Sue's 'secret'.
Kurt was dragging through the day. He could barely get through the inventory at the tiny boutique he worked at without feeling like he was going to fall over. It was the stress more than lack of sleep. It felt like he was drowning in anxiety and the days were not getting better. It'd been almost two years and Keenan was still seeing Ms. Sue. Luckily they'd gone from once weekly to once monthly. That was progress Kurt supposed.
Progress had not started until just over a year prior, however. Until then Kurt and Blaine held strong to their 'no medication' rule. They tried everything; a behavioral analyst, an altered diet, intense sessions with another counselor as well as with Ms. Sue, vitamins, sticker charts, boundaries, rewards, expectations. The men tried everything in hopes that something would stick. Unfortunately, nothing did. And it was a cold day a few weeks before Halloween that everything fell apart.
It was Blaine's surgery day and Kurt was in the middle of a midday rush. He was running to and fro, helping his customers, when his boss came over to get him. "It's the school again." She whispered as she slyly handed Kurt the phone and slid into his spot at the cash register. Kurt felt his heart sink. It was the third time that week he'd gotten a call from the school. This time was worse, however, because they needed Keenan to be picked up. He was becoming too upset and they did not see him being able to calm down before school let out. Kurt advised them that he was on his way and sent a remorseful look to his boss over his shoulder. She nodded, completely understanding. She'd been nothing but understanding since the time of the first call.
That day Kurt lost himself in the idea that Keenan's situation was somehow his fault. He ran the gauntlet of self-loathing on his way to the school and on his way from, choosing not to say a word to his grunting and groaning son in the backseat.
That night Blaine found Kurt sitting on the bathroom floor, crying his heart out. Keenan was conked out in his room - at 5:30 none the less - and Kurt was inconsolable on the floor of their bathroom.
Once Kurt was consoled to the point that his tears were drying and his tearful explanations were far more understandable, the couple went down the kitchen and cooked dinner together. While cooking they made the decision to give medication a try. With that decision they laid down a set of concerns they had and things they would not budge with.
They would not stop seeing Ms. Sue until she felt it was beneficial to cut ties. It would happen one day when Keenan was able to regulate himself better.
They would continue to explore options so that their son was not taking medication around the clock simply to make the days of others easier. This was their son's health and they would not compromise it.
If any adverse reactions were noticed the doctor would be contacted without hesitation. They would not let their son suffer because it got them through a work day without incident.
They would continue their schedules, sticker charts, and advocating at their son's school. They would look into seeing if an Individualized Education Plan could be put into place to assist with aspects of the disorder that affected him academically.
Last, they would never stop working to help him. Keenan tried, they knew he did, and they would not let his self-esteem suffer because of something he literally could not control.
With their list written and their decision made Kurt and Blaine were able to finish dinner calmly. They chatted idly about their days and set the table before Blaine went up to gather Keenan for dinner. The groggy little boy came down without a fuss, ate without a fight, and headed back up to bed shortly after. He'd had a day that was just as eventful as Kurt's.
Keenan was eight, going on nine, and he was still struggling. Each day he went to school, did his best, and sometimes fell short. He wanted to be 'good' all the time like his teachers expected but sometimes it was hard. It was hardest when he was nervous or when he was angry.
When Ms. Waters, his math teacher, told him that he'd cut a foldable wrong, Keenan flipped a desk and kicked it repeatedly until he was removed from the room by another teacher. What scared Keenan was that he did not remember the time between Ms. Waters telling him that he'd done something wrong and the moment that he flipped the desk. He hated that, hated that he got so upset and couldn't control it. He tried, he really did, but sometimes it hit him so fast and so hard that he had to get it out.
Daddy told him that it was because he needed a little extra help regulating his emotions, whatever that meant. Hopefully it meant that he could be a 'good' boy from now on. Keenan hated seeing the looks on everyone's faces when he had to be carried out of class. He hated making his daddy and Stitch look like they wanted to cry because they had to pick him up from school. But he was trying, he was trying so hard. When he was starting feel overwhelmed his held up his hand and the teacher knew that was their secret code meaning that he needed to step away for a moment. Keenan usually went down to the office to collect himself before heading back into his lesson.
He also had sessions with Ms. Sue which helped him understand what was going on in his head and helped Daddy and Stitch work out ways to help him. Then there was Social Skills Class which he went to in the afternoon. Like Ms. Sue, Miss Taylor, his teacher, worked on what she called 'coping mechanisms' with him. Whatever they were, they helped sometimes. Other times, like today, they didn't. That was why Keenan was in the office, waiting for one of his fathers to pick him up. Kayla, the girl that sat next to him, kept poking and he yelled at her. When the teacher told him he needed to calm down, Keenan ran for the door, bolting through the building and out of the school. He had to get out of there.
To the little boy's surprise, both of his fathers walked in the front doors of the school office. He hung his head immediately, doing his best not to meet their eyes. Luckily, neither man made an attempt to speak to him. Instead, they did as they usually did when they had to pick him up early. They apologized a zillion times before collecting his backpack from his feet and leading him out the front door. There, Keenan's door was opened by Stitch and Daddy climbed into the front seat. Keenan climbed into the back.
When everyone was loaded into the car they headed home. Once there, the family gathered around the kitchen table, as they always did. Immediately, Keenan began to plead his case. "I'm sorry! I tried, I really tried, but I got so upset and Ms. Waters yelled and I-"
Kurt held up his hand. The little boy's mouth snapped shut instantly. "We know, Keenan. We understand that you got upset but there have to be consequences. What do you think they should be?"
Keenan shrugged. He hated this part. "I don't know, no playing outside?" He offered.
"And why will you not be able to play outside?" Stitch asked.
Keenan looked down and shook his head. Stitch took that opportunity to explain. "Because you ran out of the classroom and out of the school. That's dangerous." He insisted. "Also, you yelled at Kayla and that wasn't nice. Was it?" Keenan shook his head. In hindsight it wasn't nice at all.
"So no outside time for a week. You have the chance to earn it back next week, okay?" Stitch asked, though it wasn't really something Keenan had a choice in.
"Yes sirs." He said as he stared into his lap. "I just don't want you guys to think I'm bad."
"We don't." His daddy said as he reached across the table and grabbed his son's hand in his own. "We know you're trying but we all have to try a little hard sometimes. We have to do things that scare us and we have to make changes. It's part of life and we're going to work it out. We'll figure it out."
"How do you know that?" Keenan asked, curious as to how is father could be so optimistic in that moment. Little did he know, his father had come to a realization.
"Because of Ohana." Keenan's face lit up instantly. "And you know what that means right?" Daddy asked with a smile on his face.
"Ohana means family and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten." The little boy finished.
A/N: I was in a mood. My son has ADHD and I felt the need to remind people that inattention and hyperactivity are not the only symptoms associated with the disorder. I also felt the need to mention that it is a disorder. Why not do that with one of my favorite, fictional little boys.
Many thank to Belle for working with me on this one.