A/N I know that for some people when Real Life comes up it means they have a hard time updating, but for me, writing is my escape from RL. This is my escape... prepare for tears, angst and more tears. The song is Fix You by Coldplay, I just heard it and found it mirrored my own emotions, and then I just wanted to make it a Reela... I don't know, hope you like anyway.
Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
Isn't it weird what a room looks like in the dark? I mean, not the real dark, that hazy darkness, when a street light is shining through the window, or there is a light coming from under the door. That greyness the hovers over everything like a mist. It's all I seem to see now, that haze. I can't sleep, my eyes sting terribly, but I can't sleep. I lie here all night but it's just going through the motions. I want to sleep, I want to close my eyes and let it all drift away, but I can't.
I tried so hard, all I ever wanted was to be happy. All I wanted was for things to go right for just once. But I messed that up, didn't I? I messed everything up. I tried to do the right thing and it went so wrong.
I didn't think it could possibly go this wrong. I've lost everything. My family are thousands of miles away, my husband is dead, and my best friend... he... he probably hates me. I treated him like he was worthless, like he meant nothing to me. I was still trying to pretend that he didn't. Now that I have nothing, I've realised everything I've lost.
Everything was there, for a split second, I had it all. I had a husband who loved me, a job that was going fantastically, a room-mate who...
I watch as the numbers on my clock change and count everything I've lost.
2:26 am
My room-mate, Ray
2:34 am
My husband, Michael
2:52 am
My best friend, Ray
2:59 am
The man who loved me, Michael
3:07 am
The man I loved... Ray
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
I get up calmly and make my bed. There's no point in trying any more. I know from long nights of experience that once the tears come I won't be able to get any sleep.
I'm not sure when I realised I loved Ray. It was after I left. I didn't know how much I... I didn't realise. I didn't realise until it was too late. He was gone.
It was once the calls started to stop. They became less and less frequent and I found myself missing them. I found myself missing the tone of his voice, the pause before he hung up. They were always the same. Short, friendly, but nothing more. He was always so careful to make them nothing more.
"Hey Neela, it's Ray. I was just calling to see how you are. Call me back... bye..."
When a weekend passed and he hadn't called I called him. I knew he wasn't in, Abby had said he was at County. But I didn't want to talk to him, I just had to hear his voice. He hadn't changed the message, I was still on there.
"Hi, it's Neela and Ray. Leave a message and we'll try to get back to you,"
"Yeah, of course we will Neela. You're such a liar!"
"Ray, I've already done this twenty-two times are you gonna..."
Beep
I wanted this. I left of my own free will. No-one made me. Michael didn't even make me. I did it because I thought it was what was right. But it wasn't. I ended up losing the one person I would come to need so much.
I put on my coat and left the apartment, I didn't care what the time was or that I was still in pyjamas, I just had to know. This had gone on for too long, and I was sick of it.
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
I strode through the streets of Chicago not listening to any voice of logic. I'd listened to logic once and everything had gone wrong. Now it was time to try something else.
Sure, I was running a high risk of catching pneumonia, or getting mugged, but all I could think of was him. I was running a risk of never sleeping again if I didn't do this.
I just wanted it to be over. The months of wondering, the months of pain, I just wanted to... end it.
I had to know.
Lights will guide you home
I stand outside the apartment. My home. The lights are on. I don't know why... why would you be up at this time in the morning? You're probably "entertaining", or just about to go to work... I'm so stupid, I shouldn't be here. But I can't turn back now.
"Neela?" You look so bemused as you open the door, it's hard not to smile. Though, you're so cute when you're confused it's hard not to kiss you. "Come in, you must be freezing."
No questions, you just let me in. Your eyes are red rimmed, and you keep rubbing them. I wonder if you're going through what I'm going through.
"Do you miss me, Ray?"
"What?"
"Do you miss me," I say again. "I miss you. I miss you more than I thought I would."
"I... yeah, I miss you Neela. But I knew that I would." Your gaze fixes on mine and I can't help but fall into your eyes. I tried so hard not to look in your eyes those weeks before I moved out, I've forgotten what it's like.
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
"I'm so sorry Ray. I wish I'd never left."
"But you did," he says, biting his lip, "You did leave."
I know I'm crying, but I don't want to stop. I want to show him how much I miss him. How much I feel for him. He steps towards me and gently wipes away my tears with his thumb. Then he bends down and kisses my cheek, oh so gently.
"Don't cry Neela, please don't cry."
"I'm so sorry."
He pulls me into his arms, the only place I've wanted to be for months. "It's alright... You don't have to be sorry, you came back."
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
A/N Wierdly I feel a lot better now. I reccomend writing for all those who are upset, it helps! lol, I hope you guys like this, because for once, I do! hehe, I don't usually like my own fics, but I quite like this one! So nice reviews please!