Snowdrops

I could feel myself waking up. My first thoughts were of Edward. My eyes fluttered open, expecting to see his bright green eyes smiling up at me but all I saw was half of a cold empty bed staring back at me.

Then it all came rushing back. I would never wake up to Edward's green eyes again. He was gone. I could feel the tears threatening to spill over I blinked trying to hold it in but a sob still broke lose.

I curl up willing the tears to stop but they just came faster Sobs rattling from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. After what seemed like hours the tears finally calmed. I tried desperately to pull myself together, I sat up glancing at the clock, realising that I was terribly late. I jumped up scolding myself for sleeping in.

I ran across my room scrabbling to get ready. I noticed Edward's jacket thrown across the back of my chair. I stopped dead my hand reaching out pulling the jacket up to my face inhaling deeply, the musky sent of Edward hitting me square in the face. I felt something coming from the inside of his pocket, I pulled it out. It was a small box, I clicked it open and found my self staring at a diamond ring, his grandmothers engagement ring that he told me about.

He was going to ask me to marry him. A few more tears fell down my cheeks as I realised that would never happen now. I placed the box next to the photo of us together on my bedside table and rushed out the door to school completely skipping breakfast; I felt like I would never feel like eating again.

Once I arrived at my classroom I found that I had no class. I walked down to office to ask where they were.

Mrs Cope the receptionist at the office told me my class had been sent to sit with other teachers, talking mile a minuet then telling me all the local gossip that I had appositely no interest in, Mrs smith the local librarian, had been court cheating on her husband with the local milkman and other irrelevant gossip. I was about to make up an excuse to get back to my class room when she said something that my insides turn. Edward's funeral was today. I had completely forgot I could feel myself slowly falling apart. I muttered something about getting back for my class and fled.

I shut the door quickly using the tables for support as I walked towards my desk. Today was the funeral how could I forget, the last chance to say goodbye. Well for the men of this town that is. I really hated that I was not allowed to my own boyfriend's funeral

Boyfriend, I always thought that was tame, It never felt enough. Edward was more than just my boyfriend, he was my life, my heart, and if he was still alive my fiancé.

I heard the bell ring signalling the end of morning break. The children came dribbling in laughing and messing around. It felt like a lifetime ago from when I last laughed. Some of the children cheered when they saw me which brought a small smile to my face.

I hadn't planned anything for the class to do so I pulled out some paper and crayons and told them to draw whatever they wanted. I watched the children, they laughed and played acting so carefree. I would give anything to feel like that again, so carefree with nothing on your mind but what's for lunch, but I knew it would be a long time before I would feel like that again. And how could I? When I knew that I would never see Edward again? I placed my head in my hands, fighting the tears feeling the weight of emotion and guilt sit heavily upon my shoulders, but I knew I couldn't let the children see me cry.

Suddenly I heard the bell ringing, signalling lunch, I hadn't realised that I'd been sat thinking for so long. I stood to dismissing the class and collected their drawings as the left.

Alex Roberts, a small but cheeky boy, had drawn a beautiful robin. I pinned it up on the wall, it had reminded me of when me and Edward had found one trapped in the shed in my garden one winter morning, he had fallen flat on his face trying to catch it, I though I would never stop laughing at his shocked face staring up at me from the dusty floor.

Alex asked me about going to see the snowdrops after lunch, we had read about them in one of the many books nestled in our cabinets. The children had loved the magic that was said to come from snowdrops and had baggers me for weeks about me taking them out to visit them, but with everything that had been happening I had completely forgotten that I had promised to take the children to see them.

I told him that I would check if it was okay with Miss Brandon before saying yes, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had forgotten and say no, I couldn't drown his excitement.

Once I was sure that the children were safely on their way home I went to the teacher's lounge to sit and pretend to eat my lunch to keep up appearances and stop people from worrying.

I had been playing with my food, when Alice Brandon came over to sit with me with her usual camomile tea, witch I detested.

Alice had always been a good friend to me, she knew personally how much Edward's death had affected me. She had been with me when I got the news of his accident, we had been baking cakes for the school annual fate, laughing at how much flower had ended up on us both, when there was a knock on the door. Alice had gone to answer it while I started the washing up, suddenly she was desperately calling my name, I had rushed to the front door seeing Alice standing next to a police officer both with depressed looks on their face's.

Alice had been the one to tell me about Edward accident, I had completely broken down that night, falling to my knees and crying helplessly. Alice had been so worried for me then and there in the teachers lounge. She just asked if I was ok but I pushed her away, not wanting to take her down with me in my grief.

I ran back to my classroom when she continued to push me, I just couldn't deal with it all.

I sat behind my desk trying to calm myself, down thinking how Edward would be ashamed of me for not getting on with my life but then I realised that my life was not worth living without if Edward wasn't in it.

I waited for the for lunch to end, a plan already forming in my mind. I jumped up searching the shelves for paper. I wrote letters, to my parents and Alice. I told them how sorry I was that I just couldn't…

I looked up out the window next to my desk, I could see the children starting to arrive. I placed my letters in my purse, just as a few girls came in sitting down quietly waiting for class to begin. They really were so well behaved, it was as if they knew exactly what was going to happen.

At two o'clock I called the register, then read them a fairy story I had randomly pulled out. I had been reading half heartedly for a good ten minuets when I glanced at the clock in the hall way, which I had a perfect view of through the four glass panes at the top of the door, I realised that the funeral was at half past. If I timed it right I could take the children to vistit the snowdrops while the funeral presetion rode by.

I continued to read glancing at the clock occasionally, my nerves gradually rising. The more I read the more I noticed how hoarse my voice was, probably form all the crying.

I snapped the book shut and stood up, seeing the surprised and disappointed faces.

I told the class that we were now going to see the snowdrop and that they should start putting their coats on and that I would help if they had any problems with buttons, I had sent the girls down to the cloakroom first trusting them to behave more than the boy's.

I made sure all the girls were quiet as they walked down the corridor. I smiled to myself as I saw Alex Roberts and Edmund Jenkins waving at each other and laughing at the hole in Edmund's glove, those two were terrible when they got together.

It didn't take long for us to reach the garden, I sent the children down in groups of fours to see the snowdrops, while I stood by the front gate which looked on to the main road, we waited.

I could hear faint singing but it wasn't close enough to make out what they were saying. Some of the children had come back from the garden but I still kept my eyes on the road. I could hear them clearer after a few minets, I knew they would pass by the school because the cemetery was at the top of the valley past the school. I could feel the shame trickling down my spine for taking the children out at the exact time Edwards funeral would pass by.

I would be within metres of Edward for the first time since the accident. I could feel the tears coming I stiffened, fighting them back. I gripped the bars of the gate but as the funeral walked by and the mournful song filled the air, sobs broke loose before I had the chance to stop them. My shoulders were quacking with gut wrenching sobs, I looked up and saw the casket covered in flowers, a cry of grief escaped my lips at what my eyes saw.

The funeral past but the tears and the sobs continued. I did my best to control them but they just kept coming stronger and stronger.

After what felt like hours I turned to the children to see them staring at me some with tears in their own eyes, some staring at me, terrified.

I quickly wiped my eyes, telling the children to get inside and pack away as I did so. I was desperate to get some order back and reassure the children.

Once everything was packed away and the children were standing quietly, I walked around the desks handing out snowdrop bulbs. I told them that if they looked after it they could have there own snowdrops come next year full of their own magic.

When everyone had left I quickly checked the classroom making sure everything was in it's respective place before leaving my letters visible on my desk. I left the room with one final glance.

I walked slowly through town towards the cliffs, trying to take everything in at once, like the smell of fresh bread coming from the bakery across the road or the bright colours and children's laughter coming from the sweet shop. How I would miss them.

I reached the top of the cliffs enjoying the feel of the wind swirling around me, bringing with it memories of Edward.

His smile, his laugh, the way he always kissed my nose before asking me something. I closed my eyes letting the memories take me. With one last breath I saw Edward eyes calling me to him…