"You crossed the line, pal."
What line? There was no line! Besides, it's not like this is all my fault. And anyway, I'm not the bad guy here.
I'm not the one who had a wife of ten years and two kids and went and screwed around on them all with a man. And at least my wife wouldn't have to practically ambush me just for a little intimacy.
Okay, sure. So maybe I was having an affair with my old friend's wife. But at least I wasn't using her to cover up the fact that I'm gay.
Everybody's probably really pissed off at me and Caroline and it's just not fair. What about the shit that Race pulled, huh? Running around with another man.
But Racetrack Higgins can do no wrong. Not when he's with the fabulous Nathaniel "Spot" Conlon. But you know what, people? You wouldn't have your sweet little Race and Spot pairing if it weren't for me. You wouldn't have your happily ever after. You'd just have a whiny, confused, pissed-off Race and then you'd all be whiny and confused and pissed-off too.
So, really, you should be thanking me.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
See, I ran into Caroline in a restaurant a little over a year ago, when she was waiting to meet a friend for lunch and her friend was late. She was all alone, so I bought her a drink because I kind of remembered her from high school, and we got to talking. She told me all about her life, getting married at eighteen, married life with the infamous Racetrack, her five-year-old son and her baby, who was almost one. This was when I was busy staring at her rack, so I wasn't really paying attention, but after a couple of Cosmopolitans, she started telling me about how Racetrack didn't pay much attention to her and how work and the kids had pretty much swallowed up their love life. I felt bad for her – no woman that looked like that should be ignored by her husband. So I bought her another drink and after that, she came home with me.
I figured it would be a one-time thing, two people taking out their frustrations on one another and then going their separate way, but then she slipped me a note with her cell phone number saying to call her before she left, and I found myself dialing her number just two short days later, begging to see her again.
And so that's how it started.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
We'd meet whenever Caroline called me, on a secluded, dirt service road back behind the old elementary school that they still haven't torn down yet. Most of her free time was during the day or the early evenings and some of her coworkers lived in my building, so we couldn't go to my apartment, and we had to resort to the backseat of her car or, if it was warm and dark enough, the back of my pickup truck. Most of the time she'd take control, sometimes she'd cry, and every time she'd lay on my chest afterward and sigh and say, "We can't do this anymore."
And every time I'd nod and say, "I know." And I'd always wait two days and then my phone would be ringing with Caroline telling me she needed me one last time.
I think that's what made me fall in love with her.
She told me every time we were together that she loved me, that I was really the only thing keeping her grounded, keeping her sane. Every time she told me that, I asked her why she wouldn't just leave her husband and come and be with me. It was always the same thing – she loved him, too, and it would hurt him too much to leave. They'd been together too long. Besides, she couldn't leave her kids. Couldn't bear the thought of leaving them.
"I love you, Stephen, but I can't leave my family." I'd heard this too many times before. I memorized the exact inflection in her voice when she said it. I'd mouth the words along with her when she wasn't looking. I hated those words.
We dragged it out for a little over a year, careful and quiet as could be, before we slipped up. A lot of things have happened in the weeks since, but I remember exactly what was said, word for word..
We were bunched up in the backseat of Caroline's car, with me laying on my back and Caroline laying on my chest, and there was some sort of toy from one of her kids poking me in the ass. It was really uncomfortable, but with her on top of me and not a lot of room to move around, I couldn't exactly move it. So I did my best to relax and ignore it, tried to fall asleep like I thought Caroline did.
"I'm pregnant," Caroline had said suddenly, causing me to sit up abruptly and making her hit her head on the roof of the car.
"I'm sorry, you're... you're what?"
"Pregnant. With child. I've got a bun in the oven. I'm in a family way. I've got more, I could go on," she said, no humor in her voice.
"Well, shit."
That's when she slapped me. "I tell you I'm pregnant and all you have to say is 'Well, shit?'"
I sighed and reached over the front seat for my pants. "Well, it's not like I can be with you if you're having another baby with your husband. My congratulations to you and Tony."
"I didn't say it was Tony's."
I froze, my pants on over one leg, staring at the back of the passenger seat. "Are... are you sure?"
"It's been too long for me and Tony."
"But we were careful." I shook my head. How could this happen?
"Well, apparently we weren't careful enough," Caroline deadpanned.
"So what are we going to do? I mean, what are you going to tell your husband?"
"Well, I... I don't know. I could just tell him that I'm pregnant. It's not like he's going to ask me if it's his or not. He has no reason to think it wouldn't be."
"But what are you going to do when the baby comes? When it doesn't look a thing like him?"
"Maria doesn't look a thing like him." She sighed. "Not that Tony's stupid, it's just... he's blind when it comes to his children."
"But... but what about me?" I sat back against the seat, pushing my hair out of my face. "I mean, that's still my kid, isn't it?"
"Well, yeah, but... Stephen, I just don't know." Caroline leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder. "We'll figure something out."
"Something tells me it's going to involve me being pushed out of the picture and Racetrack-fucking-Higgins raising my child," I grumbled, pulling the rest of my clothes on and getting out of the car.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Things were kind of tense over the next few weeks, and Caroline and I barely talked. We still met like we always did, except now there was no conversation, no "I love you's," no time spent afterward in one another's arms. Just a quick release and we were on our separate ways.
I had a feeling things between us were fizzling out, and I was slowly resigning myself to the fact, until Caroline called me one Sunday morning.
"Tony's gone, come over."
Come over? As in, to her house? That was all the thought I'd given the matter and I was out the door – I don't think I've ever moved so fast in my life.
When I got there, there was still no talking – but there didn't need to be. I knew what was going on as she led me to the bedroom, she knew what was going on, and no one needed to say a word.
We were so involved in one another that we didn't even hear the front door open. I had no idea anything was happening until I heard Caroline shriek in a way that did not involve me. I looked up just in time to see Racetrack and Spot Conlon standing in the bedroom doorway, before I was dragged by my collar off of the bed and a fist plowed into my face. From then all I saw was a blur, and all I heard was shouting.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
"So I think we're getting a divorce," Caroline says over dinner, staring at me from across my kitchen table. "I mean, I still have to talk to Tony, but I don't see any reason why we'd stay married. I think he pretty much hates me."
I shrug. "His loss." I take a bite of my meatloaf, looking her over. "You can move in here, if you'd like. There isn't a whole lot of room, but if we move some things around, we can fit you, me, and the baby."
"Well, what about..."
"What about what?" I lean back in my chair, taking a sip of water.
"Um..." Caroline looks down at her lap, biting her lip. "What about Junior and Maria?"
I stare at her for a minute. "Look, honey..." I push my hair out of my face, sighing. "I'm sure they're great kids, but first, I just don't have the room for them, and second... well, I just don't really want to raise another man's children. I mean... not that they aren't welcome here to visit whenever they want, maybe hang around on the weekends, but... well, they're not mine. I wouldn't want someone else raising my kids."
"Okay..." She sighs and stands up, pushing her plate away from her. "Well, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Tuesday evening, Caroline comes home from work, actually smiling a little for the first time since Sunday. I look at her from the couch, puzzled.
"I talked to Tony," she says, curling up beside me.
"Yeah, and?"
She snickers. "Turns out I wasn't the only one wandering."
I turn off the television. "You're kidding. Who was he with?"
"Well, you know how Spot was there with him..."
"You're shitting me." I smirk. "I always knew there was something a little off about Racetrack."
Caroline laughs. "Anyway... we are getting a divorce. Tony's going to take custody of the kids, and I'll probably take them on the weekends or something. But we will have to pay child support. Well, I will."
"I can deal with that."
"Tony's keeping the house, too, I think."
"We have a place." I shrug.
"Anyway, the point is... we don't need the service road anymore." She smiles up at me.
"Well... can we go there every once in a while, for old times' sake?"
Caroline laughs and swats me in the chest. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and press my lips to her hair, smiling.
So Racetrack got his man, his house, and his kids, and I got my nose broken. But at least I got the girl.