AN: Okay, so… this is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. But it's time I did it. This is going to be the first of my final two new Fanfiction belonging to the Jonnor fandom. I plan to do a collaboration with WritingIsLoveAndLife and I will complete my active fics, and I might post more in "AU One Shots" every once in a while, but after that I will most likely cease to write for the Jonnor Fandom. It's been a wild ride, and I thank everybody for going on this journey with me, a journey that began over a year ago. Thank you to everybody who has read, reviewed and messaged me over this period and thank you in advance to those who keep reading, and keep reviewing. Any reviews that are left will be answered in the Author's Notes at the beginnings of each chapter. -NukeRose.
What constitutes a "lifetime"?
Is it a period of time in which all of one life passes you by? Or is it more than that? Is one lifetime, but a chapter that leads into the next? Do we live one lifetime, or many within one lifespan? Do lifetimes pass with the passing of the things that become your life? Is it true that the moment the one thing that is your life and world perishes and or crumbles, a new lifetime begins? That's what I believe. It's like lifetimes are just chapters in a book; many smaller parts that have been stacked end on end to form the bigger whole.
If that is the case, then I'm on my eighth lifetime. Some of them have been good, some of them have been horrible, and it seems like all of the good ones have gone down in flames. I've lived through a lot in my time on this Earth. Far more than I'll ever admit to. Far more than I think I'll ever even remember. My therapist believes that I've blocked out many of the things that happened to me in my past. A dear friend of mine has told me that "God only throws at you what he knows you can handle". I can't help but wonder how strong he thinks I am. How strong does he think I am that he throws so much at me in one long series of lifetimes? He seems to be under the mistaken impression that I am a superhuman with a mind built like a bunker.
My first lifetime ended with my parents. It ended when I was orphaned. When a drunken car crash ended the lives of my father, my mother, and my sister. It ended the moment I was shuffled into the foster system, and the darkness within consumed any hope of a happy life. It was truly buried the first time I felt the hand of an abusive foster parent strike me, the first time I felt malevolence in an adult's angry gaze as it burned my skin and burned through my eyes as if trying to set my soul alight.
My second lifetime is one that I'd love to forget, because it's full of nothing but bad memories of every punch, every kick, every night I went hungry, every day I spent in the hospital, and every minute I spent fearing for my life and praying for a savior to a God that I eventually stopped believing in. My second lifetime ended with the hell. It ended when a boy I had never met noticed my pain and suffering and interfered, which led me to finally getting placed with a good family.
My third lifetime began when that boy stood by my side, and became my best friend. The first friend I'd had since before foster care. During this time, I learnt what friendship truly was. I learnt what it was like to have somebody at your back through everything that the world can throw at you. My third lifetime ended when it evolved, when the friendship evolved into love. When my friendship with my savior evolved into a mutual crush, which evolved into a relationship. A partnership. A symbiotic pair. When I learned just how much can happen if you have the will to go for what you want.
The fourth life was when I learned what it meant to be somebody else's everything, and for them to become my everything. When I learned what it meant to feel love for somebody after having been deprived of it for so long. When I learned the feeling of bliss that came with losing yourself in the eyes of the person you loved and couldn't live without. My fourth lifetime ended with the relationship, which ended in violence through no fault of mine or his.
My fifth lifetime was the longest one I had ever lived. Eight torturous years that I only survived with a metric ton of help. With the interference of so many others, I made it through. But only just. It was during this time I learned what it was to live without the one you relied on for security. It was during this time that my childhood friend returned, and helped me through my grief, surrounding me with people who could help. It was during this time when I basically did a psychological 180. When I tried to bury a whole part of me.
My sixth lifetime began when my beloved came back to me. It was during this time that I started to return to my old self.
My seventh lifetime began when my beloved became mine again. I was happier than I had ever been in my life.
My eight lifetime is now. Now, I look back on the time that has passed into oblivion, a time that exists now only in my memory… the memories that haunt my dreams.
Writing this all down… it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. By doing this, I relive my past in the present and risk losing my sanity… But maybe, if I exorcise these thoughts to paper, I can save my sanity instead of destroy it. I need this. This is my catharsis. This is my last resort, my last attempt to heal from what happened. This is my last effort to move on.
This is how I survived heartbreak and tragedy. This is how my anger and my grief almost destroyed me. This is the story of how I suffered through yet survived the worst kind of loss. How I lost my mind to the grief and anger which took me the edge of the most dangerous trains of thought, and how I regained it through the assistance of a merry band of "Marauders" led by my childhood friend who I hadn't seen in almost a decade.
My name is Jude Jacob Adams Foster, and this is my story…
…This is the story of how Connor Stevens died.