The Yuletide Prefabrication
by RJ1013
Summary: On Christmas Eve 2015, Sheldon finds himself struggling with a dilemma. One-shot. Shamy.
Rating: T
Spoilers: Spoilers up to and including "The Opening Night Excitation"
Disclaimer: TBBT and other pop culture references within this story don't belong to me. Obviously, right?
—-
I.
—-
The presents are wrapped, the stockings are hung, and the halls are decked with copious Star Wars Christmas decorations, but Penny still knows better than to expect Christmas cheer from Sheldon. While she and Leonard bustle about baking cookies and planning a Christmas dinner, Sheldon is sitting in his spot moping. That's all par for the course, and Penny is relieved that at least he's being quiet for once.
Her relief evaporates like an errant snowflake in the Southern California climate when Sheldon suddenly opens his mouth, shapes his lips into an 'o' shape and makes an obnoxious popping sound. She looks over at Leonard who merely shrugs back at her. He's right. There's no reason to get crazy and ask Sheldon what his problem is. He would no doubt answer them. At length.
Penny returns her attention to stamping out a gingerbread man. Just as she depresses the cookie cutter, her ears are assaulted by another 'pop'.
She takes a deep breath, stifling her irritation, and transfers the cookie to the baking sheet. 'Pop'. He does it again.
Very well. This means wine. Penny takes a long drink from her glass and sets it down carefully. She knows that it's coming, but she still finds herself startled by the next 'pop' that bursts forth from Sheldon's annoying maw. Goddammit.
After so many years, she really ought to have known better. Ignoring that man's oddities does not make him stop. When Penny once again shoots an irritated look over at Leonard, she can tell that at he is reaching the end of his rope as well. He leans in close to her and says, "Sheldon recently shared a theory with me. He said that when he feels stress or anxiety, he suspects that it might best be relieved by spreading it to those around him. We watched Shrek 2 a couple of days ago, and nothing says 'annoying' like that scene where Donkey pesters Shrek by-"
His explanation is interrupted by another sudden 'pop'.
"'For five minutes, could you not be yourself? For five minutes!'"
Leonard's outburst surprises Penny, even more so because he does it in a bad Scottish accent. He turns to her and explains, "That was Shrek's response to Donkey's antics. It fits here too, don't you think?"
Sheldon is the first to respond to Leonard, but he only does so with another loud 'pop' of his lips. If he is attempting to spread his stress around, then it is working fantastically, in Penny's opinion. She can feel her blood pressure rising and can hear the angry beat of her pulse rushing in her ears.
"Dammit Sheldon, why don't you just tell us what the hell is bothering you so that you can stop bothering us?" she asks.
"Oh. Was I bothering you two?"
They both shoot him annoyed expressions, but it only succeeds in making him smile. "See," he says, "you really can spread your stress to others!" His grin fades pretty quickly when he admits, "However, it doesn't seem to be doing anything to alleviate my own."
Leonard sighs and scoops up a finished cookie from the cooling rack. He deposits it on a plate and comes over to flop down in the chair near Sheldon's spot. "Here. Have a cookie and tell us what's wrong. Maybe you'll find confessions and confections to be more helpful than being an ass."
He hands over the plate with the freshly baked cookie, and Penny is struck for what must be the thousandth time that her husband is an immensely caring man. She wants to reach out and slap Sheldon silly, but here is Leonard, all patience and understanding. He even thought to get his neat freak of a roommate a plate. Whether it is to alleviate Sheldon's distaste for crumbs or to spare them both a diatribe on the subject is unclear.
Sheldon nibbles his cookie, carefully keeping any mess confined to his plate, but he soon sets the plate back onto the table, his gingerbread man missing not much more than its left hand. He looks like a lost little boy when he says, "I'm due over at Amy's in a few hours, but I don't know what to get her for Christmas."
Seriously? That's why he is ruining their Christmas Eve?
She scoffs. "Sheldon, really? Amy is happier with you than I think I've ever seen her be. You prioritized her birthday over Star Wars and gave her a gift that I don't think I've seen her stop smiling about since."
He looks to be only mildly placated by the reassurance. "But that was her birthday. It doesn't really help me now. I need to deal with finding a present for Christmas. You see, I've been given to understand that some of my gifting choices in the past may have been a bit self-serving and ill-considered."
"Oh, you mean like that time when you got her a booster box of the new Magic: the Gathering expansion set for Valentine's Day?" Leonard points out.
Sheldon scoffs. "I still maintain that Fate Reforged was a fantastic addition to the metagame. Besides, who doesn't love dragons?"
Penny looks at each of them in turn and says, "I don't know what the hell you're both talking about, but I still think I can freely answer that with: 'Amy'."
Leonard smirks and says, "Actually, she did just fine with it, didn't she Sheldon?"
His roommate starts to scowl in response, but Leonard doesn't miss a beat. "Amy googled the rules, built a deck with the cards, and proceeded to kick his collectible card game loving hiney. And she did it all within a couple of days, even though Sheldon has been playing for years."
"Anyway," Sheldon cuts in, clearly attempting to gloss over his inferior game play, "I'm not interested in having any more gift giving blunders at this time. There have been enough crushing defeats and lamentations of my woman this year to last me for a lifetime."
It seems unbearably obvious to Penny, but she decides to drop an anvil-sized hint his way. He can be a bit slow on the uptake. "Well, as I said, I hear that your birthday gift went over quite well."
He just stares at her with a blank expression. She waves her hand in the general direction of his nether regions and elaborates, "I hope you realize that it is a gift that you can keep on giving."
It takes him a second, but he must figure it out because he answers, "Penny, I can't just go re-gifting like that."
"Sure you can," says Leonard. "Just wrap it up again and you'll be good to go."
"No, you don't understand. It simply isn't an option."
She suddenly feels very sad for Amy. Her friend has been too conservative to reveal much, but Penny knows exactly how much the experience has meant to her. Before she gets a chance to ask Sheldon what the hell is wrong with him, she hears him continue.
"You see, I've already given her that—as a birthday gift, a Festivus gift, a Winter Solstice gift, and a National Roast Suckling Pig Day gift."
Leonard scrunches up his eyebrows. "Roast Suckling Pig Day?"
For her part, Penny can only manage to squeak out, "What!?" This is not information that Amy has divulged. Penny can't believe that her little cardigan-loving friend has been keeping such juicy details under wraps.
Sheldon shrugs. "It's the gift I keep on giving. But that's not the point. Christmas is a holiday tradition that is important to her. I think it's best that I find a more traditional gift. It's not like I can box up my genitalia and toss it under the tree."
They sit in silent contemplation for a moment. The quiet is broken when Penny finds herself subconsciously humming the tune to the 'Dick in a Box' song. Leonard must recognize it because she hears him start chuckling.
Sheldon looks over at them with grouchy eyebrows and demands, "No humming! That's as bad as whistling. And you, Leonard, stop laughing. This is a serious conundrum. Don't make me start handing out strikes on Christmas Eve."
Penny tries her best to look contrite, but she can feel the remnants of a smirk on her face. Her husband isn't stifling his amusement very well either. She clears her throat and tries to sound serious. "Sorry, Sheldon. It's understandable that you want to make sure you get her something special after the rollercoaster year you guys have had."
Leonard nods. "Yeah, but isn't Christmas Eve a bit late for you to be thinking about this? You're usually more of an obsessive planner than this."
Sheldon plops his chin onto his hand, still moping, and admits, "Well, I did have something that I worked on much earlier this year. There might be too much of my own interests in it, though I did try to compromise."
Penny shrugs. "At this point, I think it's better that you have something that might not be perfect instead of having nothing at all. And really, if you were working on something for her that long ago, it's probably pretty thoughtful. I mean, in a Sheldon kind of way. But, you know, she's into that."
He nods, looking slightly more confident now, but there is still some uncertainty in him. Oh well. She figures it's close enough to helpful advice. The important thing is that they've solved the most pressing issue: Sheldon has stopped making those godawful noises.
—
II.
—-
Spaghetti with little pieces of hotdogs cut up in it doesn't seem like the most festive of Christmas dinners, but Amy is pretty certain that Sheldon will appreciate it nonetheless. She pours herself some wine and fills up a glass with Strawberry Quik for her paramour. He should be arriving at any moment.
Amy fidgets in the kitchen while she waits, frantically cleaning countertops that are already sparkling clean and scrubbing at imaginary spots in her sink. It's nerve-wracking to have Sheldon over during this weird transitional stage of their relationship. She has no idea what this Christmas will be like. Even after a week, the shock of her birthday gift remains front and center in her mind. By his own admission, it went better than expected, and he told her that he looked forward to her next birthday when they would do it again.
She could never have predicted his arrival the very next evening. Such a thing had never even crossed her mind. All of a sudden, at 9 pm, he showed up, breathless and apologetic. He explained that it was National Roast Suckling Pig Day, but that he hadn't had time to roast a pig, and that he thought that doing so would have been kind of icky anyway. So he had come to her with something else instead…
Amy fans herself at the memory. Then two days ago he showed up again and proceeded to pontificate about the scientific importance of the winter solstice. It's so incredibly hot when he lectures…
And just last night he stopped by for a visit, insisting that she watch an old episode of Seinfeld in order to become familiar with the holiday of Festivus. Sitcoms don't really do it for Amy, but something had certainly put the wind into Sheldon's sails…
She's still not quite sure what to make of it all. If Sheldon feels like he needs the excuse of celebratory gift giving in order to be intimate with her, then so be it. It's not like she's going to complain. He can make up a ridiculous holiday for every damn day of the year as far as Amy is concerned. Nevertheless, it does leave her very confused about tonight. This time it's a real holiday, but she thinks it would be unwise to presume anything or to hold on to any sort of expectations.
A dull thud on the front door interrupts her musings. "Amy?" Two more thuds follow with Sheldon plaintively calling out her name each time. She rushes over to let him in.
When she swings the door open, Sheldon pretty much falls through it. He stumbles a bit, burdened as he is by an enormous package. It's a tight squeeze through her front door, but he manages to navigate it without causing any damage. The box is slowly sliding down his abdomen, and he nudges it up into a better position with his knee.
"Where do you want it?" he asks, and Amy's mind dive bombs into the gutter.
Surely he doesn't mean that question the way her perverted mind hears it. She chastises herself internally and waves towards the tiny tree in her living room. "Um, over there would be fine. Sheldon, what did you do?"
He waddles across the room, maneuvering his unwieldy load, and deposits it near the tree with a somewhat unceremonious thunk. A weird clinking sound accompanies the movement, and Amy wonders if he has broken any of its contents.
He lets out an enormous breath and gasps, "That was a lot harder than I thought it would be. The wrapping paper made the box all slippery."
"That's quite a gift," she says, feeling a little inferior about her own choice for him this year. "I have to admit that I didn't quite go all out like that. I know you don't like Christmas, so my gift to you is this very small celebration for Christmas Eve. Tomorrow, you are free to do whatever you'd like."
She sees him look around, surely noting Amy's everyday attire and her mostly undecorated apartment. Her only real concession to the holiday is a tiny, pathetic little tree that is currently being dwarfed by Sheldon's gigantic package. She feels a little inadequate about her plan, given his brightly-wrapped behemoth.
He is standing in front of her, still catching his breath, not saying a word. Eventually, however, she sees a slow smile come over his face. "This is just like any normal day," he begins softly, "and it smells like you made an everyday dinner. It's exactly what I wanted!"
She can hear the happy gratitude in his voice when he realizes that she has gifted him with a low-key, obligation-free Christmas. Amy lets out a little sigh of relief. "I'm glad you like it. There are still Christmas cookies for dessert, of course." His smile widens at the news.
"Did you want to eat now, or should we do presents first?" he asks politely.
"Well, dinner is ready, but I have to admit that I'm very curious about what you've brought here. I hope you know that I really didn't expect anything."
"You know that I'm not overly fond of Christmas, and you got me a relaxing evening accordingly. In a similar way, I am aware that Christmas is important to you, so I wanted to get you something appropriate."
She sees him lick his lower lip, obviously a nervous gesture, but she finds it sexy anyway. "I'm not entirely sure that I've succeeded," he admits.
"Whatever you've got, I'm sure it will be fine. You know me better than anyone."
Her assurance doesn't look like it's making him feel any better, but he does gesture for her to go ahead and open it. When Amy reaches out a hand to begin, however, he interrupts, "Wait!"
She snaps her hand back.
"It's just that… I should tell you that this gift is sort of intended for both of us."
"Okay. That's fine too." She reaches forward again.
"Wait!"
"Sheldon! Would it help if I told you that I have absolutely no expectations with regards to this gift?" Amy knows that a typical man would probably be offended by what she is implying, but Sheldon isn't a typical man.
He thinks about it quietly for a moment before he answers. "Actually, it does. If you think your hopes are sufficiently lowered, then by all means proceed."
She hastily rips into the paper before he can change his mind again. As she does so, she notes the careful wrapping. The tape is perfectly spaced and the pattern on the paper lines up to where the cut ends are joined. The obsessive perfection of it leads her to believe that he has wrapped this himself. In deference to his hatred of messes, Amy folds up the paper and discards it in the recycling bin before she even considers opening the brown cardboard box that has been revealed.
"This may require some explanation." Sheldon still sounds apologetic, but Amy is more than familiar with some of his more unusual gifts over the years. She didn't lie. Her expectations are set to rock bottom.
Deciding that it's best to put him out of his misery, she quickly pulls back the flaps of the box. The sight that greets her is an array of colored blocks—Lego bricks. Unsure of what to say, she looks up at Sheldon, hoping that he'll give her some kind of clue to what this is all about. He reaches inside the box and retrieves a booklet of paper that he holds out for her inspection. She accepts it and begins carefully thumbing through the pages. The extensive building instructions appear to be custom made.
"I started on this earlier in the year. I know that you like puzzles, and I, of course, like Lego. I thought… I thought that we could build something together. Anyway, I came up with this design. It's modeled after—"
"It's the Little House on the Prairie cabin!" she interrupts his nervous explanation, unable to contain her excitement. The detailed schematics in the booklet are exquisite. "Sheldon, this is remarkable. It must have taken you a long time to do this with this degree of authenticity."
"Yes, it did take quite some time. I had to order some special pieces, but I was able to assemble most of the necessary components out of pieces from my other sets."
This surprises her even more than the gift itself. "You had to break up your sets?"
"It's fine." He tries to dismiss her question with a wave of his hand, but Amy can see him twitching. It's obviously stressing him out.
She lays a hand on his arm. "We'll take a bunch of pictures after we build it. But when we are done, I will help you sort these back into the sets where they belong."
His twitching starts to settle down, and he exhales sharply in relief. Amy can't help but notice that the relaxed, happy look that takes over his face reminds her of his typical post-coital expression.
"I can't wait to build it with you. I've never come up with my own design like this before!" He sounds absolutely giddy about his gift for her now that she has told him that she will do it with him.
Amy does enjoy puzzles, and she can see the appeal of constructing this. What really touches her heart, though, is that Sheldon designed this with the intent to piece it together with her. She can't think of a better gift than one that will allow her to spend time with him. In an effort not to cry at the sweetness of his gift, she leans into him and wraps her arms around his waist. He seems startled at first but soon wraps his arms around her as well. She leans back and says, "Thank you, Sheldon. It's perfect. I'm excited to work on it with you too."
"You said we have no obligations for tomorrow. Maybe we can spend Christmas Day together and start putting it together."
Her voice wavers when she says, "I would like nothing better."
He wouldn't understand it if she started to cry, so Amy decides that she will need to change the subject. She clears her throat. "But tonight, we'd better think about having dinner. It's staying warm on the stove, but I know how you prefer your food to be as fresh as possible."
Sheldon is still smiling when he takes her hand to walk the few steps over to her kitchen. Amy dishes up a plate for each of them, and just as she hoped, he seems pleased with his spaghetti and childish beverage.
They sit down, and Sheldon digs in with enthusiasm. While they eat, he begins to regale her with odd holiday facts from around the globe.
"Did you know that in Japan it is fairly common to have Kentucky Fried Chicken for a Christmas meal?"
Amy finishes swallowing a bite of her breadstick. "Well, it really is 'finger lickin' good'."
He nods and twirls some spaghetti onto his fork. "And in Estonia, many families have a tradition of going to a sauna together on Christmas Eve."
"That sounds… hot," she replies, and she tries her very best not to think of a hot, sweaty Sheldon in her shower. Now that would be a Christmas miracle. It's impossible to keep the thought from her mind, of course, because even telling herself not to think of a hot, sweaty Sheldon already fills her mind with a hot, sweaty Sheldon. Amy wipes her brow with her napkin and tries to focus back on her meal. She spears a cut up hotdog with her fork and brings it to her lips. Maybe having something to chew on will keep her from saying anything inappropriate.
Sheldon offers an appreciative grunt at her cooking skills as he continues to eat his dinner. "Mmm. Indeed. That sauna one is rather peculiar. One of the weirdest I've ever heard of, though, is an American tradition from the late 19th century. Apparently, it was once thought to be a German tradition, but it is much more likely to have originated in the United States. It's called 'the Christmas pickle'." He pauses in the telling of his story to have a sip of his drink.
"Oh? I've never heard of that."
He smiles and has an odd look on his face when he meets her eyes. Amy is not quite sure what it means. "Well you see, an ornamental pickle was hidden on the Christmas tree. The pickle was most often a glass-blown decorative piece designed to look like the real vegetable. Anyhow, the first one to find it the next morning would be the recipient of a special gift."
He raises an eyebrow at her and looks proud of himself for offering her these bizarre pieces of trivia. Amy has been trying her best, but this time she cannot hold back the ribald question that leaps into her mind and then jumps straight out of her mouth.
"Are you suggesting that you want to spend Christmas morning playing hide the pickle with me, Sheldon?"
—
END.
Notes: The 'Dick in a Box' song and the Donkey 'pop' scene from Shrek 2 are both available on youtube if you aren't familiar with them.
I'm still working on a novel length fic, but I felt compelled to take a break from that to write something in honor of that last episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Happy holidays!