Taste of the Forbidden II
Title: Take Up Thy Cross
Rating: M
Genre: Angst, Erotic, Romance
Word Count: 11,059
Pairing: Edward & Bella
Summary: Bella is a good girl, raised to know her place in the church and society. She's always waited for her soul mate, pledging her virginity for that one man. But when Pastor Cullen comes into her life, he changes everything she's ever known. Is it possible for your soul mate to find you in such a sinful way, or do you have to take up your cross and press on?
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Take Up Thy Cross
"Yes! Fuck my pussy! Harder!" I screamed. My voice carried through the church, echoing off the vaulted ceiling and bouncing back to our ears in the rectory above. He pinched and rolled my nipples as he pushed his hard cock deeper into me.
"No cursing, Isabella," he whispered over my shoulder, scooping my hair into one of his hands and pulling it tightly.
I stilled in my movements. What?! Suddenly, a hard, solid slap on my rear end pulled me back to our thrusting. I tried to push myself to meet his pace, but he was going too fast for me to keep up.
"Do. Not. Curse. Isabella," he said between pounding my tender lower lips. He pulled my hair tighter and reached his other hand around to rub my swollen nub. My eyes rolled back; it was too much, too intense. I felt my body begin to surrender to orgasm. "Now, Bella!"
My body obeyed him, as I knew it would. The slick, warm walls of my pussy squeezed his cock—working him the way I knew he loved. His resounding groan only made my walls clamp tighter around him. With three more deep, slamming thrusts, he spilled into me.
"Oh, my Bella," he said moments later, slipping out of me and pulling me to lay beside him on the strewn choir robes. "I love you so much, baby."
I smiled against his chest, kissing his left pec sweetly. "I love you too."
Though I don't recall the exact moment or time or place, there came a point at which I stopped seeing him as my "Pastor." The closer we got to each other, the more blurred that line became.
But let's rewind a bit. I'll take you back to the beginning. Perhaps then, you will understand what I got myself into.
Five years earlier
"I pledge my innocence unto Christ, the Savior, until that day He sends my soul mate. I will not conform to this world and its fallen ways. By the grace of God, I will rise above. So here, to my parents, before this Church and our pastor, I take this oath of virginity until marriage."
The thunderous applause sounded throughout the chapel as we finished our vows and placed little ruby rings on our right ring fingers. I looked to Alice on my left and to Rosalie on my right, smiling at both of them. We'd done it. Each of us had been dreaming of this day since we had first learned about soul mates.
Every girl in the East Valley Christian Church knew where her destiny lay. From the ripe age of ten, we began rigorous training. We learned how to cook meals large enough to feed a family. We wore dresses and never dared to step into pants. Our days at home were spent reading the Bible and doing homeschool studies. The ultimate goal of each of our lives was to marry a man who loved the Lord; he would be our soul mate—the one whom God chose just for us.
Those like myself, who were extra adventurous, would make it to Bible college (that was what we'd always referred to it as) and graduate with a degree in Ministry with a focus on either music or youth. That was usually the way to go. Some girls even managed to nab their MRS degree while away at college; those lucky girls who found a husband in school seldom ended up graduating, though.
For the past eight years, I had studied table settings, memorized verses and Bible trivia, and spent many hours planning our dream weddings at sleepovers with Alice and Rosalie. All of our hard work, such as avoiding boys at all costs, had paid off. Beyond these things, life did not exist.
I stepped off the stage and made my way toward my parents, my white dress and tiara casting an angelic glow around me. I glanced up toward the rectory, hoping to one day work in this very church after I'd received my degree. Pastor Weber took to the pulpit and we opened our hymnals, following the organist in the strains of "Amazing Grace."
T - T
"Bella!" I heard my mother calling out my name. The airport was especially crowded that day, most likely from all the college students returning home to their families.
I couldn't believe that four years had passed so quickly, but I had made it. Evangelism University had been a pleasant change for me the last four years. I managed to get my degree in youth ministry; I'd even worked with inner-city kids during the last year of my education.
College had been an eye-opening experience for me. Rules dominated my life. Each day, I attended chapel twice. We had Sunday rotations of working with the Music Pastor, Children's Ministries, Elderly Outreach, etc. The unwritten rules I grew up with had not changed either: I never wore pants, never danced, and my twenty-first birthday was spent at a Women's Ministry ice cream social. I was as pure as the driven-snow and I shone above many girls in my class. All the years of training had paid off.
At last, I had made it home and I was eager to begin my work in the church I grew up in. I was very excited to see Rose and Alice again. We had each attended different schools, though we all managed to meet in the middle for spring break; spending our time working at an orphanage in Mexico City was extremely rewarding.
"I've arranged a meeting for you at the church tomorrow after services, Bells," Daddy announced over a scrumptious dinner of my mother's homemade pot roast.
I smiled in gratitude. Forks' Police Chief, Charlie Swan, had always been more than happy to lead my life and point me in the right direction. "Thank you, Daddy."
Mother patted Daddy's back as she walked behind him, dishing scoops of banana pudding into our bowls. "Do you still have Nilla Wafers in the pantry, Mother?" I asked, scooting my chair out and genteelly placing my napkin on the table. She nodded and I excused myself to get some.
After I gathered the cookies from the pantry and closed the door, I began to head back toward the dining room. Something caught my eye from the kitchen window, so I paused to investigate. Over the fence, in the kitchen window of the parsonage, the most handsome man I had ever seen was washing dishes.
Who in the world was he? I'd never seen him before. He must have been new to town; the pastor often had new families over for supper. But, why is he doing the dishes?
His mossy green eyes suddenly flashed to mine. His hair was a fascinating auburn, neither brown nor red, and it stuck out in all directions, as though someone had just run their fingers through it. Neither of us blinked; neither of us moved. The most foreign feelings were flooding my body. He stared into me, as though he could see all the sinful thoughts flowing through my mind.
"Bella?" my mother questioned, entering through the kitchen door. "Did you find them all right, honey?"
"Hmm?" I tore my eyes away from the haunting man next door and focused on my mother. She stood beside me and hugged my shoulders in that perfect, motherly way.
"What has you so distracted, dear?" she asked me. I lifted my gaze back toward the parsonage, but the man was nowhere to be seen. How odd.
"Um... Nothing, Mother," I said, turning toward the dining room. "Let's go finish our dessert, shall we?"
Later that night, I watched in the mirror as I brushed out my long, brown curls. I made sure to keep count of the one hundred strokes, as I'd always been instructed. I had never bothered with makeup, allowing my fair skin and dark brown eyes to speak for themselves. God had given me natural beauty, and "makeup products were like a slap in the face of the Almighty," Mother always said.
After I slipped into my long nightgown, I pulled out my Bible and sat on my blue-checkered window seat. This had been my nightly ritual for many years, and I had missed it when I was away at school.
My room was directly above the kitchen, overlooking the entire house and yard. Lit only by the gentle glow of an oil lamp, a man sat on the parsonage porch swing, reading his Bible. The light flickered off the gold-leafed pages, so there was no mistaking the book. From the thickness of the pages, I easily concluded he was reading from the Old Testament—somewhere in Psalms, perhaps.
I watched him for a few moments; the way he studied the pages with such intensity was fascinating. I leaned further out of my window, trying to get a better look at him. My palm caught the rim of one of the flowerpots in the little window planter, and it crashed to the lawn below.
Quickly, I pulled myself back into the room—but I wasn't quick enough. His head snapped up instantly, his eyes seeking the source of the interruption. He sidled up to the fence and looked over. When he noticed the shattered pot, his eyes traveled up the house and landed on my windowsill. I crouched as low as I could to the floor, praying he hadn't seen me.
After several minutes of waiting, I slowly lifted myself up to peek out the window once more. Relief swept over me when I saw that he was no longer standing at the fence. I brushed off my legs, adjusted the top of my nightgown, and tossed my hair back over my shoulder.
There was movement in the darkness, so I was safe. Suddenly, the oil lamp across the yard blazed once more. He sat and watched my every movement. From across the expanse, his eyes looked eerie and black. A slow smile crept over his face and he licked his lips. Gasping, I wrenched the curtains closed and raced to my bed, throwing myself onto it.
It took ages for my heart rate to steady and even out; I knew he was still out there. The squeaking of his porch swing kept me firmly rooted to my mattress.
T - T
The church had not changed too much in the many months it had been since I'd attended services, thanks to school. I did learn that the old organist, Sister Lawrence, had passed away a few months before though. I also didn't notice Pastor Weber or his family in attendance, which was odd. They never missed a Sunday as far back as I could recall.
I leaned toward my mother and whispered, "Where are Pastor and Sister Weber?" As she was about to answer, a man took the stage and began to speak.
"Psalm 62:3 & 4," he began. My eyes flew back to the pulpit. Psalms? His hair blazed like fire around his face—a fiery halo lit by the stage backlights. His eyes travelled over the crowd until he found what he sought. Me.
"God alone is my rock and salvation, my fortress; I shall never fall.
How long will you set yourself against a man?
You shall all be destroyed,
Like a sagging wall
or a tumbled down fence!"
Sweet Jesus! I took the Lord's name in vain in my mind. It seemed that I was being reprimanded in front of my family and congregants, whom I had known my entire life! Who is he?
"Who is this guy?" His eyes moved on in the crowd when he noticed me speaking to my mother.
"Shhh, Isabella!" my mother scolded. "You're being rude to the other members. I'll introduce you after service."
The man preached an entire sermon from those two verses. I'd never heard someone focus so intently on such a little part of scripture; perhaps the John 3:16 sermons, but those were an exception. I glanced at the bulletin in my hand. It didn't say anything about a guest speaker. Odd.
After the service, Mother pulled me toward the front of the familiar building. People were praying at the altars on either side of us, and I suddenly felt very out of place.
"Ah!" my mother said cheerily, pushing me in front of the man. He slowly turned his attention from Brother McCarty and focused in on me. His eyes held a touch of sparkle, but the grin from the night before was certainly gone. "Isabella, I'd like you to meet Pastor Cullen. Pastor Cullen, this is our daughter, Isabella."
Pastor?
"Yes, Sister Isabella," he said, answering the question which I had obviously spoken aloud. "But please, call me Edward. I've asked all the congregants to drop the formality of 'pastor' when they refer to me—it's just too stuffy. What a pleasure to meet you. Your parents hold you in such high regards. I hear you recently graduated from EU?"
I nodded in bewilderment. "What happened to Pastor Weber?" I asked. I briefly registered how rude I was being, but I was so taken off guard that it was difficult to concentrate on.
Pastor Cullen...Edward...smiled gently. "Brother and Sister Weber have resigned their commission at East Valley. I stepped in three months ago."
Shocked, I didn't know what else to say. My mother always found the words, however. "And we are so glad you did, Pastor," she told him sincerely.
I'd have to get to the bottom of this later.
"Well, Isabella," Edward told me. "I do believe we have a meeting this afternoon. I look forward to seeing you then." I nodded and he turned toward another parishioner who'd sought out his attention.
At lunch an hour later, I could not get the sudden departure of the Webers out of my head. The man had baptized me, prayed with me before I took my first communion, and led me in the sinner's prayer all those times I'd messed up. The entire thing was so odd.
"Is one of you going to tell me what happened to Pastor Weber?" I asked my parents. Mother pushed a fork-full of salad into her mouth, but Daddy placed his utensils beside his steak and lifted his eyes to mine. "I'm just concerned, since I will be working at the church. I'd really like to know what happened."
Daddy chugged his Pepsi before he finally answered. "We had an annual Church Finance Committee meeting in February. Brother Higgs and I noticed some...discrepancies in the budgeting. Categories like "Gifts for New Moms" and "Nursery Funds" had received a large increase from the last time they were examined. Upon further investigation, I noticed that there had been discrepancies going back about a decade."
It was all nonsense to me. Women didn't handle the finances, so I had no idea what this all meant.
"It turned out," Daddy continued, "that Sister Weber was allocating money in the name of different funds, but turning around and using them on herself and her family. Remember that shiny, new BMW that Angela got on her sixteenth birthday? The money had been slipped out of the "Homeless Outreach" fund for over seven years."
"Th—that's stealing!" I cried out in shock. "How can a pastor and his wife do such a thing?"
"Those are the same questions we asked, Bells." Daddy ran his hand through his hair. Sundays were the only days he didn't wear a ball-cap or his police-issued hat. "We asked them to resign—even offered a large severance package. The only way they agreed to finally leave in peace was when one of the wealthier congregants stepped up and offered an extra $10,000 to add to the package. They left in the middle of the night and moved on to a different town. I heard he's trying to start a new church."
I was floored. That wasn't the man and woman I'd known my entire life. They had lied so much.
"After looking for several months," Daddy told me, "we found the Cullens. He was fresh out of seminary and looking for a flock. It worked excellently for us, since we needed a shepherd so badly."
"He's been fantastic," Mother added, grinning enormously. "You'll really enjoy working under him, dear."
I huffed, sitting back and playing with my lunch. I grew up with order: a time and a place for everything. Now, things were changing, and I did not appreciate that. Nevertheless, Mother had no idea how true her words would ring.
T - T
"Hello, Sister Johnson," I greeted as I entered the church office. The elderly woman had been the church secretary here since I was a child. Her blue-tinted perm was evidence of her age.
"Oh, Bella!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you're all grown up! Tell me, dear, did you find a man when you were away at school?"
I blushed brilliantly. Of course, everyone expected that to happen. But the school was against dating, unless it was in a group setting, and the only boy I had ever liked was still here at East Valley.
Jacob Black attended church every Sunday with his parents and six younger siblings. Since his father had been paralyzed in an accident several years earlier, he remained in town and took over the family's mechanic business. He was a gorgeous boy, with black, pin-straight hair, a strong jaw, and broad shoulders. Jake had the blackest eyes I'd ever seen. He wrote to me several times while I was away at college, confessing that he had feelings for me. Now that I was home, I was certain he would ask to court me. It was the way these things worked.
"No, ma'am," I told her with a small laugh.
"Well, that's good to hear," Pastor Cullen said, exiting his office which was directly behind Sister Johnson's desk. "I appreciate when our young women go to school for an education and not a husband." My blush scorched my cheeks.
He turned to the older woman. "Sister Johnson, thank you for your time today. We'll have Brother Clark escort you to the bank to drop the offerings in the night depository."
She nodded, smiling brightly at the man. Everyone seemed completely enamored with him. Slowly, she stood and grasped her cane.
"It's lovely to see you again, dear," she said to me. "I'll be so happy to have you around here every day. Our youth need a good, positive influence like you, honey."
I smiled and nodded my thanks as she left. As soon as the door closed, a heavy, sweltering presence filled the room.
"Well, Isabella," the pastor said, gesturing to his private office. "Shall we?"
I sat on the leather chair in front of his desk, but instead of taking the seat behind the desk, he perched himself on the edge of it—almost touching my leg with his. "Please call me Bella," I told him.
"So... Bella," he said, smiling down at me. "I know a lot about you. I looked over your records from Sunday school and Wednesday night classes. You were a stellar pupil. Your college transcripts were forwarded to me at the end of the week, and I have to say I am impressed. You're very bright."
I knew he was paying me a compliment, but it almost felt like an insult. Should I not be smart?
"I'd hope that whoever will be teaching our youth will be a bright individual." I wanted to bite the words back as soon as they left my mouth.
He chuckled, grinning crookedly and arching an eyebrow at me. My underwear felt uncomfortably damp, the same way they had when I first saw him washing those dishes. I had to get out of there as quickly as possible; something was terribly wrong with me.
"You are absolutely right." Edward's grin widened further. "So, tell me more about yourself. There aren't many single women who are youth pastors; it's typically a joint force of husband and wife. Is there a special man who has captured your attention?"
I was taken aback by the question, though I shouldn't have been; he was the pastor and had every right to ask. So, I swallowed thickly and told him about Jacob.
"Ah, Jacob is a wonderful young man," he told me. There was a tone behind his voice which I could not place.
I smiled and looked down, blushing lightly. "Yes, I've always thought so."
"But," he said, pressing on. "I believe very firmly in the truth of the Bible. It tells us that God has that one special person out there just for us—our soul mate. Often times, Believers get so consumed in their little worlds or own wills to recognize the need to wait for that special one."
I nodded in agreement; I'd heard this all before.
"You're twenty-two?" he asked me suddenly.
"Yes," I said, nodding.
His eyes moved over my form, causing that uncomfortable dampness to return between my thighs. "I'm thirty-five," Edward said, as though he was answering an unspoken question.
The man was significantly younger than Pastor Weber had been, but I was intrigued by the closeness of our ages. Hopefully it would be helpful in our working together. He might even be able to really give me some good advice when it came to youth group events and activities.
"I was a youth pastor before I decided to go to seminary," Pastor Cullen told me.
Smiling, I told him what I had just been thinking about.
"I'm sure we'll be able to come up with some excellent events for the youth group!" He sounded very excited by the prospect. "A camping trip would be a lot of fun. It's the perfect time of year for one."
With my hopes suddenly flying high, I pulled out a notebook and began jotting down ideas.
T - T
The following three weeks ran very smoothly. I spent every Tuesday and Thursday in the youth center, painting the walls black to better "relate to the youth," decorating, and getting to know the volunteers I would work with. We arranged the camping trip, which was coming up the following month. The youth group was very excited when I told them the plans for it.
The rest of my workweek was spent in the church office, working closely with Pastor Cullen. We were becoming fast friends, and I had to admit that it was nice to have someone I could both look up to and find a common interest with.
Edward's wife, Tanya, was the leader of the Women's Ministries at the church. She sang with the choir every Sunday, and was the epitome of propriety—everything a pastor's wife should be. Sister Cullen had long, strawberry-blonde hair and always dressed perfectly.
Sister Cullen's only fault was that she rarely spoke to me, usually simply looking down her nose at me whenever I was around the pastor. I was unsure why she disliked me, but Edward didn't seem to notice, so I never said anything about it.
I had certainly developed a crush on the man. He was very handsome, much more so than Jacob, and extremely smart. In our time together, he taught me lessons from the Bible that I had never realized were in there. Edward shared things with me that he said God only allowed certain people to know. I was allowed into the exclusive group because I had put my trust in Pastor Cullen.
When we studied the Bible together, I would often catch Edward staring at me with what can only be described as...longing. Our time together was enlightening and enjoyable. I never realized men could behave so friendly with women; it proved wrong something I had always believed to be sinful—men and women associating outside of courtship.
Jake had come calling as soon as I settled back into my parent's home. Of course, he asked Daddy's permission, which was happily given. Though we had very little in common, Jacob was a man of God. Daddy said Jake had a good head on his shoulders and he always voted pro-life; what more was I to ask for? What more could a father want for his daughter? I was well on my way to becoming the perfect wife I was destined to be.
Jacob had yet to hold my hand during our courting. Of course, kissing was an absolute "no-no" until the day of the wedding. So, we stuck to a smile whenever we said hello or goodbye. But suddenly things I never thought about, like kissing and touching, were on my mind. I wasn't sure why I had dedicated so much time to thinking of them, but I knew it was a sin to have such lustful thoughts in the forefront of my mind.
"Are you ready for lunch, Bella?" Edward asked me, interrupting my musings over my situation with Jake. We had regular lunch meetings every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. At these meetings, we would discuss the week, see how things were coming along with the youth center, and work out plans for the youth camping trip. The trip was coming up in just over a month, and I still had so much to plan.
When we got to the parsonage—our typical lunch meeting spot, thanks to Sister Cullen being away on those days—I went straight for the kitchen to prepare our meal. I'd made myself at home there, as Pastor Cullen had instructed me to do. I needed to find some way to bring up my concerns about Jacob to him. We were always taught to take absolutely anything to our pastor. These men were filled with the Holy Spirit, and that is just the place we were meant to go when we needed answers.
"Mmmm." His voice came from behind me. "Whatever are you cooking, Isabella?"
I spun around and smiled widely. "Fried pork chops. I hope you're hungry."
The crooked grin reappeared on his face. I often thought of it as my grin; I'd only ever seen it when it was pointed directly at me. "What is it with you Southern girls? Are you trying to fatten me up?"
Laughing, I stuck out my tongue and tossed a potato chunk his way. He easily dodged it, but it was on!
Edward grabbed a handful of flour and tossed it at me. It dusted my clothes and hair, white streaks marking my cheeks. I laughed as I hadn't in years, so full of joy and peace. Around the room we ran, chasing each other with cooking ingredients.
Halfway around the kitchen island with me hot on his tail, Edward came to a sudden halt and spun around. I was effectively trapped between his body and the refrigerator. The smile fell from my lips and I took a deep breath, swallowing thickly. His hand slowly came up to my face, brushing a speck of flour from my cheek—lingering.
"Do you believe in soul mates, Isabella?" Edward asked me softly. I nodded numbly, my eyes dancing between his and the beautiful, soft lips directly in front of me. "The Lord reveals these things in his own time." He whispered the words, seemingly afraid to scare me off.
I nodded again. I'd always been told these things; I'd waited for the one my entire life.
Suddenly his lips were on mine. It was my very first kiss, and what a kiss it was! His hands fisted themselves in my hair, yanking and tugging at it until my head fell back against the stainless steel with a thud. Edward's lips moved down my jaw to my neck. He licked, sucked, and nibbled at the tender flesh.
This was beyond anything I'd ever imagined. None of the ladies from the purity classes had ever said how good this would feel. And I certainly didn't feel disgusted when his mouth moved back up to my lips and his tongue slipped into my mouth.
I didn't even think of that nasty cup from my time in youth group—the one they had us line up behind and spit into. They had dared us to drink from it, signifying what it would be like if we kissed someone who'd already given away that special gift.
I wouldn't have thought of it at all, if it hadn't been for the sound of the doorbell. We tore our mouths from each other. Edward flew backward, putting as much distance between us as possible. I put my hand to my mouth as he brushed off his shirt and left the room. I barely heard the muted conversation he was having with whoever was at the door. Instead, my mind was filled with thoughts of the terrible thing I had just done.
Glancing around the room, I noticed pictures of Pastor Cullen and his wife. She was the perfect pastor's wife, and I had just led her husband astray!
I rushed to the back door of the house, quietly opening it and slipping outside. Scurrying over the short fence to my parents' yard, I snuck inside. Mother wasn't home at that moment; it was Wednesday, so she was out getting her nails done. I climbed the stairs to my room and threw myself onto the bed, tears streaming freely down my face.
What have I done?
A quiet knock sounded from my door and I bolted upright.
"Yes?" I asked, timidly.
The door squeaked open and Pastor Cullen's head appeared. "Are you okay, Bella?" he asked softly, stepping into my room and closing the door behind him.
Shaking my head, I buried my red, blotchy face in my hands. Suddenly on his knees before me, Edward tugged my hands away from my face.
"Please don't cry, honey," he whispered, smoothing my hair down my back and brushing tears from my cheeks. It was such an intimate gesture. I pulled back. The sting of rejection was evident in his eyes; it only served to confuse me further.
Edward reached for my old Bible from my bedside table. He fanned through it until he came to the passage he sought.
"Read this aloud, Isabella," he told me, pointing to an exact verse.
I sniffed and brushed more fallen tears from my face. "'Tr—trust in the Lord w—with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.'"
He took the book from me and fanned through until he got to the New Testament. Again, he pointed to a verse. "Read from here," Edward said.
"'...A man is the image and glory of God, but the woman is the glory of the man.'" I looked up at him, confused and seeking.
Edward closed the Bible and replaced it beside the bed. "Isabella," he said to me, "we've had many discussions on the topic of soul mates and marriage. I have been on my knees, praying about this very topic—speaking with God. The Almighty has heard my cries and has answered me, Bella."
I blinked rapidly, unsure of where this was going. Surely, I was about to be fired from the church and exiled! I couldn't imagine another route for this situation to take.
"Tanya and I met in Bible School." My head dropped at the mention of his wife. I was such a terrible person. Even after I asked for forgiveness for this terrible sin, there was no way for me to go a day without thinking of that kiss—continually sinning. Therefore, I was surely destined to burn in Hell.
"She was the daughter of a Southern Baptist minister, and my father was on the General Council for the Assemblies of God. After we went on our first group date, our parents pushed us together. We were 'meant to be,' they all told me, but I had my reasons to doubt it. Tanya has always been a polite woman, submissive and willing to serve, but she and I don't have anything to talk about. She doesn't know me like you do."
A sob tore from my chest. He told the truth; I had gotten to know him well over the last few weeks. Edward was very open with me. We had both come to rely on each other for support and understanding.
Edward leapt to his feet and grabbed my arms, pulling me to stand before him. His palm cupped my cheek, forcing me to meet his gaze. "But, Bella," he pleaded with me, "she and I are not soul mates. I've never loved her as a husband should love his wife. I cannot love her the way the Bible instructs. And she doesn't love me that way either, Isabella."
My tears dried instantly. What? Edward slid his hand from my cheek and down my neck, until it rested on over my heart.
"I knew you were my soul mate, Bella, from the moment I looked at you."
Suddenly, our lips were attacking each other again. His hands were everywhere, touching all the places I'd always been told were inappropriate. If they were so terrible then why did they send such pleasure through me?
I let him lead.
He whispered my name, over and over, as he kissed my face and neck.
T - T
The camping trip had been going well. Edward took the boys on a little fishing adventure while I instructed the girls in the proper ways to cook a meal over a campfire.
With the students tucked into their sleeping bags not long after sunset, I put the food items away and hoped that bears would be scared away by the remnants of the fire. After I settled into my own tent, I thought back over the last weeks.
When Jake had asked for my hand in marriage, Edward became increasingly persistent with me physically. Edward insisted that I concede to the marriage with Jake, as was my duty to fulfill the charge of "wife" for an unmarried believer. However, my feelings for Jake had shifted in the time I'd known Pastor Cullen. Edward had assured me that our romance and desire was not sinful since we were soul mates, so he pressed further and further. Somehow, he found the ability to kiss me for hours, pulling me onto his lap and moaning into my mouth every time I would move.
Sister Cullen had recently gone to Boston for several weeks to care for her ailing mother. I found it odd that the woman left such a handsome husband alone, but Edward continually assured me that they were only married for the sake of marriage. He also told me that most of the congregants in the church were in similar situations. It was he and I who were meant to be.
The zipper lowering on my tent startled me out of my musings. Edward quietly entered the tent, capturing my lips before I managed to ask him what he was doing. Despite the close proximity of the students in the tents surrounding us, Edward pressed me onto my back and immediately pushed his hands under my flannel pajama top.
"Bella," Edward said my name reverently, as though it were a prayer falling from his lips as he read the rosary. "Our bodies are meant to be one, and I can no longer wait. I need you. It is what the Lord calls us to do when we find our soul mate."
I nodded in earnest. Surely, I would give this man anything he desired.
Edward pulled back, smiling widely. "From this day forward, you shall be my spiritual wife, Isabella Swan."
I smiled brightly. I had definitely heard of how our souls are wed to God and to the man that God created for us. Edward was the one! I was in awe of the mighty will of God. Surely, if this was God's plan and He created us for each other, then I was ready to be his servant.
Bowing his head, Edward led us in a short, sweet, whispered prayer. "'Not my will, but thine, be done.' Amen."
When I opened my eyes, Edward smiled brightly before he kissed me hungrily. Giggling, I pulled Edward on top of me.
The giggling ceased though, as his hands made quick work of my top. I'd never been bare in front of a man before and I covered my breasts in embarrassment.
"Please, Bella," he begged me. "You have no reason to be embarrassed. You are all that is beautiful to me. I long for you, as God has said I should. 'A bundle of myrrh is my beloved unto me; he shall lie all night between my breasts.'"
I gasped up at him, shocked by the way he spoke. It was so scandalous.
"That is from Song of Songs, my dear," he informed me, giving me the crooked grin I adored so much.
Blushing, I tried to avoid his gaze. "I never knew the Bible to be erotic," I said honestly.
Laughing lightly, he nodded. "It is both erotic and beautiful. Sex is a beautiful creation amongst those whose souls have mated."
Sex? I took a large, deep breath and confessed. "I am a virgin, Edward. I took a purity pledge when I was eighteen. I won't know what to do."
He smiled down at me, joy filling his features. "And I am the most blessed man on this earth. God created you perfectly for me, my dearest. Please, allow me to take care of you."
With his right hand, he slipped my pants down around my ankles. I kicked them off and into the corner of the tent. "In a few months your body will marry another, but your soul shall always belong to mine, Bella."
Moisture had been gathering between my thighs since the suggestive looks he had covertly sent me throughout dinner. But now, it felt like a flood in my panties. His fingers were moving closer and closer toward it. I hoped he did not find it as disgusting as I did. But when he encountered my most private area, he did not turn away in revulsion; he moved my panties to the side and replaced his fingers with his tongue!
Never had I felt such a sensation. Over and over he lapped at my wet entrance, humming in apparent appreciation. Suddenly, fireworks exploded behind my eyes and my body quaked.
"Wh—what was th—that?" I gasped in surprise.
Edward shot me his crooked grin and licked his lips wickedly, refusing to waste any of my wetness from his mouth. "That, my Bella, was an orgasm," he said, winking. "And, judging by the confusion on your face, it was your first. Don't worry though, my dear. There will be many, many more to come."
Shifting to his knees, he discarded his pants, shirt, and underwear. I'd never beheld a naked man before. Edward was so...solid. His arms were muscled and toned; his chest, hips, and legs were defined and sculpted. And then there was his penis, which he quickly covered with a condom. It stood out straight from his body. It was long and thick. Is that supposed to fit in me?
After allowing me to look over his body, he crawled back over mine. Moistening his thumb on the juices that had flowed from my body, Edward made the sign of the cross over his heart and then on my left breast. The experience was holy and appointed, indeed.
"I love you, Bella," Edward whispered to me, his lips ghosting over mine. He aligned himself at my entrance, gently pushing in a fraction of an inch.
As the sting I was warned of began, I steeled myself for it and told him, "I love you, too, Edward."
The joy on his face took over his whole being. He pressed deeper into me, tearing past my hymen and filling the tight space. I gasped and cried out, but he silenced me with a hand over my mouth. It didn't hurt as I imagined it would, but the sting was evident. They'd always warned us about the ache, fire, and pain. Instead, it felt like an uncomfortable stretching and burning.
Edward stilled inside of me, allowing me time to adjust to his body. As the burning slowly dulled, Edward began to pick up his pace. He thrust in and out of me, moving his body inside of me. It was an amazing sensation.
Already slick with the moisture from my arousal, he moved his thumb to the little bundle of nerves above where our bodies were connected. I came undone again. My body shook and my breath came in short gasps.
"Bella, Bella, Bella," Edward chanted my name repeatedly. His thick penis pulsated within me.
When he pulled out of me a moment later, I winced at the friction. It felt like I had a rug burn in my girlie-bits. Never had I experienced something like that. All the loose strings reattached themselves where they belonged.
Edward sat up, slipping back into his pants, and kissed my forehead. "I love you, Isabella."
I rewarded him with a glorious smile, which he returned. Edward was everything I ever wanted. He quietly unzipped the tent and crept back to his own.
I didn't realize at the time, but the very essence of myself was changing because of this man. The way I saw life and the messages that were previously drilled into my mind slowly began to shift with each kiss and touch.
T - T
We spent almost every day together, finding ways to sneak into the rectory and make love. Edward showed me different positions and ways he could fit completely inside of me. He took me high into the heavens as I tumbled repeatedly into orgasms.
If I had ever doubted it before, I knew at that point that he was my soul mate. Besides the way he read and played my body like an expert pianist sight-reading a masterpiece, Edward was slowly opening my eyes to the world beyond. He managed to embrace the Bible and sex with the same open arms.
No one was any wiser at the church. Edward continued to preach spotless messages. He even did a series on Song of Songs, which had me blushing and shifting in the pew as he gazed down at me from the pulpit.
Jacob Black and I were married on March 14, exactly eight months after Edward and I first consummated our spiritual marriage. Edward had come to me in my bridal room before the ceremony. He prayed with me briefly, before bending me over the room's vanity and taking me swiftly from behind; my white dress was bunched around my waist and the top of it was pulled down so my breasts spilled over. When he shuddered in release, I felt a hot slickness fill my insides. He hadn't even bothered to remove his tux pants or boxers; the condom he kept in his wallet was all but forgotten.
Walking down the aisle, I looked like a princess. Every time Jake glanced at me, I tried to push down the guilt inside and focus on keeping the smile plastered to my face as Edward had instructed. Often, I would find my attention being drawn to Edward. Several times I had turned my eyes in his direction only to find him staring lovingly at my features. I hoped no one else noticed the way he looked at me; surely, they would realize how intimate we were with each other.
Our wedding night was...sweet. Jake was very soft and tender, afraid of hurting me. Of course, he thought I was still a virgin. If only he knew... Edward insisted that I give myself to Jacob, as was my wifely duty. But he also told me that he would be waiting for me after the honeymoon, ready to show me how much he loved me. While I knew it was improper for me to do so, I made sure to remind Jake to wear protection during the honeymoon. I told him I wanted more time alone with him before a baby came into the picture; after the first night, he agreed.
Jake took me to Disney World for our honeymoon. It was sweet, as well. I felt like I was playing the part of the proper Christian woman; it had been a while. Our nights were filled with "love making"—at least that's what Jake called it. For me, it was only sex; Edward held my love.
I believe I shocked Jake into premature ejaculation when I got tired of him being on top of me, pushed him onto his back, and sank onto his impressive cock. He came moments later, apologizing profusely for not lasting longer. I just patted him on his head, rolled off the bed, and took a long, hot shower. I couldn't wait to get back to my Edward.
While we were on our honeymoon, Jake's three younger brothers moved my things into the house that Jake had owned for the past two years. It would be all ready for us when we got...home.
When we got back to town from the honeymoon and I went to the church for my first day back, Edward took me up to the rectory and made me forget all about my husband. After he discarded my clothing, his tongue lapped and suckled between my thighs, driving me into the throes of an orgasm only Edward could give to me.
"Yes! Fuck my pussy! Harder!" I screamed when he entered me from behind. My voice carried through the church, echoing off the vaulted ceiling and bouncing back to our ears in the rectory above. He pinched and rolled my nipples as he pushed his hard cock deeper into me.
"No cursing, Isabella," he whispered over my shoulder, scooping my hair into one of his hands and pulling it tightly.
I stilled in my movements. What? Suddenly, a hard, solid slap on my rear end pulled me back to our thrusting. I tried to push myself to meet his pace, but he was going too fast for me to keep up.
"Do. Not. Curse. Isabella," he said between pounding my tender lower lips. He pulled my hair tighter and reached his other hand around to rub my swollen nub. My eyes rolled back. It was too much, too intense; I felt my body begin to surrender to orgasm. "Now, Bella!"
My body obeyed him willingly, as I knew it would. The slick, warm walls of my pussy squeezed his cock—working him the way I knew he loved. His resounding groan only made my walls clamp tighter around him. With three more deep, slamming thrusts, he spilled into me.
"Oh, my Bella," he said moments later, slipping out of me and pulling me to lay beside him on the strewn choir robes. "I love you so much, baby."
I smiled against his chest, kissing his left pec sweetly. "I love you too."
A door below us shut with a soft click. We both looked at each other with wide eyes. Edward crawled over to the edge of the rectory, desperately looking below for the source of the noise; he found no evidence that anyone had heard us.
With a shrug he moved back over me, planting kisses on my thighs and the juncture between my legs. All thoughts of the intrusion were quickly forgotten.
T - T
Three months later, something happened that would be forever sealed into my mind. Jake had asked to try his hand at cooking, telling me he wanted to impress his "beautiful wife." Laughing, I conceded.
We'd found a happy medium in our relationship. Obviously, it meant more to him than it did to me, but we still got along very well and found a healthy balance between marriage and friendship. Every time I realized how nice it was to be married, a burning pang of regret registered in my chest.
"So, what are you making for your 'beautiful wife,' Jake?" I asked with a giggle.
He grinned at me and offered a gallant bow. "I'm making fried chicken for m'lady."
Suddenly, a waft of something sour hit my nostrils and I immediately covered my nose with my hand as the room spun. "Are you okay, Bells?" I heard Jake ask, but I was already up and fleeing the room before I could offer an answer.
I made it to the bathroom just in time to empty the contents of my stomach. Over and over again, I heaved into the toilet. When there was nothing left to come up, I sat back against the wall and pressed a hand to my clammy forehead.
"Are you okay?" Jake's voice startled me; I hadn't realized he'd followed me into the bathroom.
Slowly, I picked myself up off the floor and moved to the sink, where I splashed cold water in my face. I saw him watching me through the mirror. Swallowing the bile in my throat, I finally answered him. "I think I might be coming down with the stomach flu."
It made sense to me, but he shook his head. "I don't think it's a tummy bug, Bells," he insisted. I was about to ask him what in the world it could have been, but he changed the subject. "Will you be okay for twenty minutes if I run to the store and get you some ginger-ale and crackers?" I nodded.
Seventeen minutes later, I was lying on the couch with a cool, wet cloth pressed to my forehead when Jake walked through our front door, grocery bag in hand. He handed me a bottle of ginger-ale and a sleeve of saltines.
"I think you should take this, Bells," Jake told me, handing me another package.
"Detects pregnancy hormones 5 days sooner!" the box boasted. My eyes snapped to Jake in horror. He couldn't be serious!
"Bells," Jake told me soothingly, "my mom had six kids after me. I remember what the early signs were like. You have them. I don't think it's the stomach flu."
After the process of peeing on the little stick was completed, I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. Jake sat beside me on our shared bed, holding my hand and lightly brushing his fingers over mine. When the three minute wait time was up, Jake asked me if I wanted to be the first to look, to which I managed to viciously shake my head with a resounding "No!" He retrieved the test from its spot on the bathroom counter and walked back into the room.
"Ready?" Jake asked. I sneered, but he still turned the test over and looked at the results. I knew the answer when a smile lit up his handsome face. He grabbed me, cradling me close to his chest, and spun me around. I didn't feel anything; I even had to remind myself to breathe.
I was pregnant. My mind flooded repeatedly with this question: Was it Edward's baby, or Jake's? I'd had unprotected intercourse with both of them...and on the same day—my wedding day.
Jacob spent the day pampering me. By late afternoon, I had yet to receive any text messages from Edward; he usually spent the whole day writing to me. When a call came in from our old friend Eric, whose car had broken down in the town about thirty miles east, Jake asked if I would be all right for a few hours by myself. I knew this was just the excuse I needed.
After Jake left, I headed to the church office. I needed to talk to Edward, and even more so, I needed him to fill me up to make me forget this mess.
But Pastor Cullen was nowhere to be found. Sister Johnson told me she hadn't seen him the entire day. I slipped out quickly, hoping to surprise him at his home.
I walked up the front steps of the house and noticed an unfamiliar car parked in the driveway. Raising my hand to knock on the door, something caught my eye. There in the living room for all to see, the beautiful Sister Cullen bounced naked, up and down in front of Edward. I knew what she was doing; this was one of Edward's favorite positions.
Jealousy flooded through me like a tidal wave. I wanted to break down the door and pull her off of him. Just when I started to turn the door handle, Edward's gaze reached mine. He looked both startled and completely turned on.
I stood stalk still, staring at him in shock. Part of me wondered if I had expected this all along, while another part of me said that this was just...marriage. Jake and I had coitus often, and I even taught him new ways to please me. But, watching the man I really loved do those things to another woman created a deep ache inside of me.
As quickly as possible, I fled. No part of me wanted to witness that connection between Edward and his wife.
When I made it home, I spent another hour gripping the toilet, pouring all the contents of my stomach into its porcelain bowl. Somehow, I managed to get up and pull myself into bed.
Two hours, twelve minutes, and forty-seven seconds later, Jake got home. He thought I was sleeping and didn't try to rouse me; instead, he planted a gentle kiss on my forehead and climbed into bed beside me.
T - T
"She won't get out of bed," I heard Jake whispering in the room. His voice was muted and distant as if he was at the end of a long tunnel and moving swiftly away from me.
A second, muffled voice answered him, "Have you tried calling for a doctor?" I knew that voice. It was silky and sweet. Part of me wanted to force my eyes open, but a stronger part of me wanted to never wake again. "Please leave the room, Sister Swan, Jacob; I'll see if I can help the situation with some prayer."
I hadn't realized my mother was there, but the shuffle of feet alerted me to those leaving the room. The bed shifted beside me. "Isabella," Edward said to me, trying to stir me from my state of despondency. "Isabella, I know you're awake. Don't you think I am aware of the way your breathing changes when I am near?"
Still, I refused to open my eyes. If only he would leave. I didn't know how long I had been in this perpetual state of hopelessness, but I could not imagine anything Edward could do that would make me want to break out of it.
Suddenly, he reached for my face, brushing aside vagrant strands of hair, and trailed his finger down my jaw. Goosebumps broke out over my skin when he traced that finger between my breasts and down my stomach.
"Thank God you sleep on your back, love," Edward whispered softly. His breath ghosted over my face, and I retreated back into the pillow. I could hear Edward's smile when next he spoke, but still I refused to open my eyes. "Aha, I knew you were awake, my darling."
His ministrations became more demanding then; his fingers attempting to entice me. When his fingertips reached my sweats, Edward slipped his hand inside. I felt his hard cock pressing against my thigh. I knew he was expecting to find wet, swollen flesh when he met my core, but there was no excitement—no rush at his touch. The stroking ceased and his hand froze.
"What is it, Isabella?" Edward asked me. My brain was clouded and filled with decisions. What was I to tell him? How would he react?
Finally, I opened my eyes; they were bloodshot and glazed over. I could feel it. Edward looked immaculate as ever of course, with his dark-washed jeans, button-up, and suit jacket; though he seemed to have aged in the last two weeks that I had been indisposed. A deep furrow creased his brow.
"Isabella, what has hap—"
"I'm pregnant," I blurted out, cutting Edward off. His face became ashen and his jaw clenched.
After several minutes, he finally spoke. "Jacob's." It wasn't a question, but a statement. I looked away in guilt, unsure of how to respond. Edward choked back a cough. "Y—you don't know, Isabella? How could this have happened? I am not reckless; we always used protection."
The weight of the world—the weight of this monumental moment in life—was thrust upon me. The unfairness of the situation settled onto my shoulders, and I dropped my head in shame. "You didn't, Edward," I mumbled, "Not on the day of the wedding."
Edward looked shocked, as though I was telling a blatant lie, but I pressed on. "You didn't even undress when you took me." I needed him to feel just an ounce of the guilt I was feeling at that moment. "Edward, you bent me over that table and pushed inside of me. You came inside of me without a second thought, and without any regard for the condom you left sitting in your pocket."
His eyes dropped and he pushed a hand through his errant hair. "Jake...made love...to me that night." Edward's eyes snapped up to mine. Pain radiated in their green depths. "He refused to use protection, and there was not much I could say to explain why I wanted him to do so.
"And now, here I am with a growing baby inside of me, and there are two different men whom might be the father. I don't know what to do!" I was sobbing by the time I choked the final words out. Pulling tissues from the Kleenex box beside the bed, I blew my nose and dabbed at my eyes.
Suddenly, Edward's lips were on mine. He pressed me into the bed and shifted my T-shirt up over my breasts and my sweats down to my ankles. I wriggled under him, struggling against him. But Edward just pressed into me further. He suckled on my nipples, which were tender and aching from the pregnancy, and ground his hard erection against me.
With one hand, Edward held me in place with my hands over my head as he unfastened his pants. His thick, long cock sprang free and he rubbed it against my folds. Weeks ago, I would have melted at the sight and begged him to take me; now, it was just a reminder of the mess we were in and the sins I had committed.
"Stop, Edward." My voice came out firm and strong, despite not being used very often in the past week. His movements stilled and his wide eyes told me of his shock at my words; I'd never rejected his advances before.
Edward pulled himself up off of me in a flash, and was pressed against the wall on the other side of the room just as quickly. "B—Bella, I'm...I'm so sorry, love." His words were coming out in little pants.
I stiffened and swallowed thickly. "What are we going to do, Edward?" My life was shattering around me and I didn't know which way to turn. I pulled the bed quilt up to cover my exposed body.
Edward righted his clothing and ran a hand through his straying locks. Eyes welling with tears, he slowly made his way back to me. I immediately tensed at his close proximity, closing my eyes; but when I felt his soft lips graze my forehead, I relaxed a fraction. I knew I would miss moments like this, but I found myself firmly rooted in the knowledge that this would be the last time we touched.
I may have loved him, but now I was starting to see it for what it was: Lust. We'd been warned about it all those years ago, yet I had given in.
"I love you, Isabella," Edward whispered to me; his words were soft and broken. I didn't respond; nothing seemed sufficient. The wooden floor creaked under his feet as he made his way to the door. It wasn't until I heard the opening squeak of the door that I finally reopened my eyes.
T - T
When Jake forced me out of bed and into church the next Sunday, we were greeted by whispers and pointed fingers. Jacob wrapped his arm protectively around me and led me to our pew.
Worship passed in a blur; I refused to stand during the music. Every few moments somebody would turn our way and stare. What in the world was going on?
Daddy stood up and made his way to the pulpit. Each week, he made the announcements from the church bulletin, even though he hated public speaking.
"You may be seated," Daddy said and the congregation took their seats. "Now, um, what I have in my hand is a, um..." He trailed off. I knew he despised having to make announcements before the church, but I'd never seen him this nervous.
Daddy cleared his throat and pressed on. "I have here a letter of resignation from the Cullens. It's written by Sister Cullen, but the pastor put a postscript at the bottom."
The blood drained from my face. He couldn't be serious. Edward couldn't just up and leave, could he? What about me? What about the baby?
My eyes snapped back to the front at the words my father read. "...sins of my husband. He was led astray by a woman in the congregation, and together we have repented. Unfortunately, this indiscretion requires that we move on..."
He told her? Several more sets of eyes flashed my way. Everyone knew. Everybody. She had told them all. I didn't realize that I was hyperventilating until my mother nudged me in the ribs. "How dare you act like this is news to you, Isabella!" she seethed at me. Tanya and my mother had been the ones whom we'd heard in the rectory that day. It all made sense now. I dropped my head in shame.
The remainder of the service was spent in discussion over finding a new shepherd and what this would mean to the church. I hid my face from the congregants, though that didn't prevent them from whispering and pointing at me.
At the end of the service, while the band was performing, the elders did an altar-call. Many members made their way to the front.
"Would you like to head up there, Bells?" Jake asked me. I glanced up at him and only then did I realize that my eyes were full of tears. I expected to see judgment and hatred, but it did not exist there in the depths of his eyes. He encouraged me lovingly to lay my sin before the cross. So I did.
T - T
Jacob and I never went back to our home church again; I had been shunned and exiled. He proved to me what an amazing man and husband he was. Jake moved his seven-months pregnant wife to Seattle and settled us in to a nice apartment in the city. We found a new unaffiliated congregation, though it was a mega-church and far bigger than we were used to. Jake and I found a nice niche in the new community.
I had confessed everything to my husband. Though he was saddened and pained, he held me close as I cried to him.
I went into labor the morning of the 41st week of the pregnancy, while cooking scrambled eggs and squeezing oranges for juice. Our daughter, Annabelle, was born that evening at 6:41. After she had been bathed and escorted back into our room, I finally got to hold her.
I knew who her father was the moment I saw her. With a head full of straight, black hair, there was no mistaking Jacob's daughter. He showered me with kisses and love, all of my sins forgotten.
T - T
Four Years Later
"Anna!" I urged my daughter to pick her doll up off the floor of the office building's hallway. "Hurry up, baby. Momma needs to get into the doctor's office." She had grown into a beautiful four-year-old little lady.
Apparently, she wasn't very interested in listening at that moment though. I maneuvered my extremely rounded baby-belly so I could squat to pick up her dolly. Before I could reach it though, a large hand lifted it up in front of my face. I looked up into a pair of very familiar mossy green eyes.
"Hello, Isabella," Edward told me softly. He was just as beautiful as I remembered, though he had aged and gray hair dusted his temples. The desire for him, which had long been only a smoldering ember, burst into flame.
"Edwar—" I began, but a sharp little tug on my hand suddenly pulled me back to reality.
"Come on, Momma," Annabelle told me and took the doll from Edward's hand. "Come on, I have Maggy now." She kept tugging on my hand, suddenly very concerned that I make it to my appointment.
"You wouldn't happen to have an hour to spare for coffee, would you, Bella?" Edward asked, seemingly oblivious to the demanding child tugging on me until that moment. Suddenly he glanced down at her, a sad smile tugging at his beautiful lips. "I see it was Jacob's."
I swallowed thickly, looking from Edward to my daughter and back. People say that your life can flash before your eyes and, in that moment, I understood what they meant. The last five years rolled as movie credits through my mind. There were beautiful moments of love and ecstasy with Edward, moments I never wanted to forget for the remainder of my life. But more notably, there was a man who uprooted his life for me, and a little girl who called me "Momma."
For them, I turned around and never looked back.