I should be working on MOMH. I have been. Just not as much as I've been nursing the influx of creative ideas. I need to pick a story and stick with it til it's done. I may just pick this one, it's as much fun as MOMH and I forsee no fight scenes in the near future, the far future, the dubious present or anywhere in its past. Eh, yeah, probably picking this story for the next month or so.

Disclaimer: I own really nothing in this story, technically not even the fifteenth Doctor, she who is the Doctor as I see him/her in a few regenerations, hopefully after he's achieved the goal he set in the 50th anniversary special and been relieved of his New Who angst from the Time War. If you listen close in the episode "The Doctor's Wife" Eleven remarks that The Corsair, a fellow Time Lord, had a signature tattoo tattooed each regeneration somewhere on his body. "Or her body," I believe the aside was. My Doctor is canon, muahahahaha. She is also a fangirl, an otaku, a bibliophile. Deal with it. Doctor Who is property of BBC America. Diabolik Lovers is the property of I dunno who, but it's not me. (Fullmetal Alchemist is the property of Hiromu Arakawa.) I own nothing but the plots of this fic.

Enjoy, and review!

Part 1: The Doctor and Diabolik Lovers

The Sakamaki household is lounging around the sitting room one afternoon, when a strange sound pervades the busy silence of everyone's after-dinner activities. It's a wheezing, groaning, warbling sound. The sound gets louder, and a blue box, a telephone box like those from Britain in the 1950's, appears in the middle of the room, right smack in the middle of the expensive handmade Persian rug.

A strange dark-haired woman pops out of the blue box as soon as it fully materializes with a low thrum that they feel in their bones. "What ho! Say, do you know the way to Santa Fe?" she asks brightly.

"Yes? No? Maybe? No? Hmph." The woman scowls at the seven disbelieving stares she receives and marches over to the door and licks the door jamb. "The wood in this door is from a Scandinavian pine. But the wallpaper smells like..." She licks it, leaving a wet spot, "The wallpaper is from France! And this," she flourishes over to an expensive urn standing in a corner, her black trenchcoat breezing behind her, "This is genuine Ancient-Greek-made, which means this is a very expensive house, but with the parts from everywhere I still don't know where that house is. Hold on!" She thrusts her hand into Kanato's face. The woman runs to the window and throws it open, letting in snow, and takes a deep breath of the air. "I KNOW WHERE I AM NOW!" she shouts out the window. "I am on the planet Earth, the island of Japan, somewhere north of Edo!" She spins away, pulling a strange whirring device made from odds-and-ends from within her long black trenchcoat and extending the antenna. She dances about the room, waving it and a long silver vaguely-pencil-shaped device with a glowy tip under everyone's nose like a ridiculous scanner.

"It hasn't been called Edo for centuries," Kanato says mournfully. "What are those?"

"These? My sonic screwdriver and the timey-wimey detector," the woman explains, pulling the devices up over her head when Kanato tries to touch them. "Wow! Interesting readings here! Lookit this! You're all still walking and talking and breathing and thinking— except for you," she pauses in her dancing about to point at Subaru, "you don't look like you do much thinking at all—" She spins around and throws her arms out in a grand gesture. "Even though none of your hearts are beating!"

The patchwork whirring device dings in the silence that follows this pronouncement. Unfazed, the woman keeps talking, walking over to Yui. "Well. None except yours..." she murmurs, her tone of voice dropping contemplatively as she studies the girl.

"I wonder!" The woman shouts, and the whole company jumps as one. "Is it an alien virus? A terrestrial virus? A bacterium? Bacteria, plural, which came together where they normally wouldn't have and then mutated!" she says the word gleefully like it is a wonderful thing, "creating a biological outcome that wouldn't normally happen? Are you all aliens, maybe? No, you aren't anything like the Great Vampires or really any vampires I've ever met..." The woman goes very still. "Ha!" she bursts into movement again. "You're fish vampires, aren't you! I met a coven of one of them in Venice a few centuries back, in 1580! They were delightful until they tried to eat my friends and sink the city or some such. Ah, where's a Pond when you need one? But no, wait, stop, cease, hold, halt! Your hearts aren't beating! You aren't fish vampires, you're not fishy! And your hearts aren't beating so, no, you aren't members of the honorable alien race of wherever-they-were-called from the planet Saturnyne."

"Putting aside the matter of our hearts, what about your heart? Your heart is strange. It beats differently than any I have ever heard." Reiji is the one who finally speaks up, adjusting his glasses.

"I believe it would, I would be worried if it didn't, you idiot evil-glinty-glassesey not-fish-vampire!" The woman whirls to face Reiji. "Why? Does it bother you?" She stalks closer to him, slowly, her hands shoved in her coat pockets, leaning forward, her eyes narrowed. "Ba-da-da-da! Ba-da-da-da! Ba-da-da-da! Ba-da-da-da! He was right, yes, it's much like the beat of drums, calling one to war... I'm an alien, fool, funny heartbeats come with the physiology! Two! Hearts!" She slaps her hands over top of each breast emphatically, one, two. She glares at him for a moment before spinning away and shrugging her hands.

"But I'm not here to argue with fools, I am on a mission here! Your condition, whatever it is, is a sanguinely-sustained state, meaning this poor girl!" she whirls and points at Yui, who cringes away from her finger, "is quite obviously your food source. That irks me." The woman matches over to Yui and pulls out a strange assortment of objects from her coat pockets: a small glass bottle of a red liquid much like mercury, a ball of disgustingly-bright-orange yarn with knitting needles stuck through it, a mug decorated in circular symbols, still filled with hot coffee, a sprig of celery, which she tucks into a buttonhole on her trenchcoat, a small carved wood statuette of a cat, and finally a stethoscope. The woman utters a triumphant sound and shoves everything else back into her pockets, taking a sip of the coffee before she stashes the mug away again. She then proceeds to listen to Yui's heart, her lungs, the side of her neck, the tip of her nose, and the top of her head. She puts she stethoscope away and sniffs a strand of her hair, then very quickly licks her wrist, smacking her lips and frowning. "A normal human, though slightly anemic!" the woman then pronounces cheerfully, seemingly uncaring of the six angry not-fish-vampires who are quite suddenly intruding upon her personal space.

"Yours Truly (1) demands to know who you are," hisses Ayato.

"Ore-sama? Ore-sama? Ore-baka, more like." The woman waves Ayato's protests off and fixes her gaze on the girl again instead. She reaches behind her and steals the hat off of Laito's head, placing it on her own. The woman then doffs the hat and bows in a stately way per the Western fashion and smiles brightly at Yui. "Hajimemashita. Watashi-dono wa The Doctor desu! Yoroshiku, kirei no ojō-sama.(2)"

The not-fish-vampires watch in disbelief as this flamboyant introduction draws a blush from Yui. She grins, happier than they've ever seen her and introduces herself in turn.

"Well, I have a question for you, kirei no ojō-sama. It's a very important question. See, I've been traveling for a while and I've been getting kind of lonely. I've started talking to myself, which is never a good sign, so I'm looking for a friend or two to run with for a while. I can offer you all of time and space, everything that ever was or ever will be, if you're amenable. My question is this: Would you like to run away from here and see the stars with me, Komori Yui-chan?"

Yui's eyes light up, positively sparkling with joy. A small bit of doubts creeps in. "Do you really mean it, though? You'll take me away and really show me the stars?"

"Of course I mean it. I wouldn't lie, not about this." The Doctor smiles.

"Where do you think you're taking her?" Snaps Ayato as the Doctor links hands with Yui. "Komori Yui is mine."

"Yours?" With that one word, the room grows cold as the Doctor suddenly seems to stand taller than any of them. "Yours?" the word is milder this time, but still fraught with a frigid anger that freezes the fiery tempers of all others present into fear. "What right do you have to claim another person as yours, you foolish plebeian? And what right have you to speak that way to your elders? I''m the Doctor. I am a Time Lord from the planet of Gallifrey and the constellation of Kasterborous. I am one-thousand, five-hundred ninety-two years old. I've seen not just civilizations, but entire galaxies rise and fall. I've been to the start of all things and seen all the way to the end of time. I know more than you could ever learn in a hundred of your puny lifetimes. You are so much tinier than Yours Truly in the fabric of the universe, you arrogant worm. Do not presume to own another being, *child*. Even I wouldn't dare to try to take someone's free will that way." The Doctor whirls away, leading Yui gently beside her to the blue police box. She unlocks the doors and bows, inviting Yui inside. Yui steps over the threshold and gasps openly. "It's bigger on the inside!" she marvels, first walking, then running up to the console and spinning around inside the impossible space that is visible over the Doctor's shoulder.

"Indeed it is," the Doctor chuckles. "Would you like to say goodbye before we go?"

Yui's answer echoes clearly from within the ship, outside to the six not-fish-vampire boys. "No."

"Very well then. Let's go, off now to bigger and better things."

The door creaks shut behind the Doctor and the blue police box dematerializes, leaving the vampires with a growing pile of melty snow on their expensive Persian carpets and a wrinkle in the wallpaper by the door where the Doctor had licked the wall.

A/N:

(1) Ayato refers to himself in Japanese as Ore-sama, literally "the great I/me" or the "Honorable me". It's presumptious, arrogant, and actually considered rather rude to refer to yourself with an honorific, I do believe. So Ayato is a jerk. "Ore" is the masculine pronoun for "I/me" and "-sama" is a more respectful form of "-san"...

(2) "Hajimemashita. Watashi-dono wa The Doctor desu. Yoroshiku." This is the proper way of introducing yourself to someone in Japanese... "Hajimemashita" indicates it's your first time meeting someone... rather hard to translate, it's sort of like "Nice to meet you"... "Hajime" meaning "start/begin"...

"Watashi" is the most formal version of "I/me" and is used by both males and females... "-dono" is an honorific equating to something like "Lord" or "Sir"... It's rather archaic, I believe? You would call the emperor by "-dono", if you were allowed to converse with him at all.

"Yoroshiku" is yet another one that is hard to translate... You'd see it translated as "I hope we get along" or "Please treat me kindly"; it carries hopeful feelings that the relationship just formed will be a good one, I suppose... "Yorokobi" meaning "joy"...

"kirei no ojō-sama" "Kirei no" adjective meaning "beautiful" "Ojō-sama" is sort of like, "young lady-sama"...

/Japanese lesson/end

Next time, The Doctor and Supernatural! Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!

Reviews are the A1 Sauce on my desert rat! If you don't get that, go read the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson, it's great!

-chocolatecatcupcakecheese