I will never understand Human Jokes.
A.N; Okay… This is a fic written between me and my mate ICaughtMyself. It's a IronhidexWill. And was written over a course of two months, during various frees at college. God This was difficult to chapter!
I HOPE YOU APPRECIATE THIS PHIL!
Oh, and This is SLASH, as in MALEXMALE! If you don't like, then you see the little back arrow in the top-left corner, then click it.. don't read it.
D/C; Of course I own this… Just ask my Multi-coloured, fire breathing unicorn. He's standing right next to you!
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Will was on the shooting range, at the NEST base on Diego Garcia. He looked down the barrel of the gun he was holding, and fired off a couple more shots. He pulled the trigger on his gun, then re-loading quickly, shooting the little Decepticon targets that were lined up one after the other. Ironhide, the Autobot weapon's specialist was standing behind him, observing his skill. Ironhide didn't always like the humans at the base, but he had always felt closer to Will than any of the others. The major felt something's presence behind him, he didn't let it phase him, but he could feel it, He reloaded his gun and span round quickly aiming at the black robot.
"It's just me, Will." Ironhide reassured him. "Lower the gun." Will relaxed slightly when he saw who it was. He lowered the gun and smiled.
"Sorry 'Hide, I thought it was someone else... like Epps. Didn't mean to scare you" Will laughed softly at the thought of the Big Bad Autobot being scared of something as useless as a human pistol.
"I wasn't scared." Ironhide glared. "Why would I be?" Will's smile turned into a fully fledged grin.
"Because... You're a pussycat. It's not secret 'Hide!"
"WHO TOLD YOU THAT?" Will's grin disappeared off of his face.
"Uh... 'Hide... I was joking... I just wanted to mess you about"
"I'll never understand the concept of human jokes." Ironhide grumbled. "I don't find them funny at all." Will laughed
"Well... You wouldn't... you're from a different planet and a different time zone to me." Will turned to back to the shooting range and started taking the faces off of the deceptibastards.
"How does it matter that I'm from a different planet?" Ironhide asked. "I can blend in here. No-one knows what I am."
"Except for the fact that you can transform into a big ass robot, and destroy everything!" Will continued to shoot all the various forms of Decepticon.
"I can disguise myself in more ways than just becoming a vehicle." Ironhide watched Will. "You missed one." He pointed to the target that was mocked up to look like Starscream.
Will looked back at it and shot it in the head. "What do you mean by that?? I thought all Transformers had to change into some electrical appliance?" Will disarmed the gun and placed it down to face Ironhide fully.
"Will, have you ever heard of a hologram?" Will looked confused for a second. Then nodded slightly
"Yeah, but aren't they the things they use in 'Star Wars' to transmit a message, and aren't they see through?"
"Not on Cybertron." Ironhide smiled. "Our hologram technology is far superior. We have the ability to project holograms like you just explained, but we can also solidify our holograms – when have you ever seen a car with no driver?"
"When you're driving me places... there's no driver... and I sit in the passenger seat" Will grinned triumphantly.
"I have blacked out windows. People cannot see inside the cab." Ironhide reminded Will. "But if I was on my own and say... I was stopped by the police. They may ask me to step out of the car, so I would project a solid hologram and trick them into think that I am a human being."
"Oh, I see your point... But... Why are we even having this conversation Ironhide? Surely it's not just to prove me wrong?" Will cocked his head to the side like a little puppy.
"Who said I was trying to prove you wrong?" Ironhide asked. "I am just explaining another feature of my race that you humans are oblivious to... like most things."
Will looked startled for a sec "Are you saying that I'm stupid?"
"No." Ironhide laughed. "I'm just saying that your race is oblivious to some things... I meant you no offense." Will waved his hand in an attempt to change the subject.
"Yeah, Yeah... Whatever"
"Why are humans so quick to take offense?"
"We're not. It's just I feel like... your trying to make me seem stupid. Anyway, I've never seen this 'Hologram'. Prove it... Now." Will crossed his arms over his chest.
"Don't you believe me?"
"I don't know. I just want you to prove it" Will smiled
"Fine." Ironhide sighed. He transformed into his vehicle mode. A few seconds later, a man appeared in front of the topkick. "Do you believe me now?"
"Yes. But, Now I want you to come out of the vehicle, so I can see what you look like"
Ironhide stepped out of the topkick and walked over to Will. The hologram was a tiny bit taller than Will, with short, dark hair. Ironhide was dark jeans and a tight black T-shirt that showed off well defined muscles.
"Happy now?" Ironhide asked.
"Uhh... " Will's jaw had dropped. He reached out his hand and touch Ironhide's shoulder, just to see if he was solid. "Uhh... Y-Yeah... I believe you... "
"Good." Ironhide smiled. "Give me the gun. I bet I can shoot better than you." Will looked confused for a second. Then shook his head.
"I dunno, Ironhide... I've got years of practise." Will handed over the gun, deliberately brushing their fingers together.
"So have I... not necessarily on human weapons, but I think I'll be able to do it." Ironhide inspected the pistol, loading it and flicking the safety catch to off. "I just point and shoot at the target, don't I?"
Will facepalmed his forehead "Yes, Ironhide... they're Decepticons... just shoot like you would a real one"
"This puny weapon would not do any harm to a real Decepticon." Ironhide grumbled. "You need bigger and more powerful weapons, like my cannons." He aimed at the target and fired off a shot, completely missing the target. Will suppressed a giggle.
"are you sure your good at this? You missed it completely. And I know the Decepticons wouldn't get harmed with a regular pistol, but this is only target practise... They're pictures drawn on a piece of paper... A pistol would harm these Decepticons"
"I just need some practise." Ironhide snapped, glaring at the soldier. He turned back to the target and fired again, getting a head shot. "See?" Will gaped at the robot and then at the target...
"Yeah... I see...." He watched Ironhide take a few more shots, watching the muscles move and contract against themselves under the impossibly tight shirt... 'I wonder what it would look like wet' Will slapped himself around the face, trying to rid himself of the images of a wet Ironhide.
"Will?" Ironhide asked, studying the human's facial expression. "Are you okay? You're not having spasms, are you? You just slapped yourself..." Will shook his head once more
"No, I'm just... Uhh... Uhm... I-I'm fine... Honest, Scouts honour" Will held up his two fingers on his right hand, hoping the robot, in this from, couldn't read his hormones... or whatever they do to find stuff out about you.
"Scouts honour? What's that?" Ironhide asked, stepping closer. "Your hormone levels are through the roof. Are you sure you're okay?" Will hung his head. The shirt really was tight.
"Uh...Scouts honour is an expression when you're telling the truth, and yes. I'm fine..." It took all of Will's inner strength to not jump on the hologram 'Fuck You Ironhide. Fuck You!' Will thought.
"Your speech indicates that you are nervous or uncomfortable with this situation." Ironhide observed. "Are you?" He stepped closer to Will again.
"Uhh... I-I'm positive... I'm n-not uncomfortable or Nervous..." Will stammered, backing away from the 'Bot. 'FUCK YOU IRONHIDE. FUCK YOU!' He shouted in his mind. HE hoped that Autobots couldn't read minds...
"You keep stammering." Ironhide said. "Perhaps you need feeding. Or we could go and see Ratchet. You might be coming down with something." Will shook his head. The last thing he needed was Ratchet saying that he wanted to fuck the brains outta Ironhide.
"Honest, I-I'm" He cleared his throat "I'm Fine."
"Well, I have a bet to make with you." Ironhide smiled, handing Will the pistol. "Let's see who can hit the most targets. If you win, I'll do what you want. If I win, you do what I want. Deal?"
Will looked at the pistol and took it. 'FUCK YOU IRONHIDE, SRSLY FUCK YOU.' "Deal..." He moved past Ironhide and went to the booth.
"If you lose, I'm going to give you a proper shooting lesson." Ironhide smirked. Will groaned quietly 'FOR FUCKS SAKE IRONHIDE. FUCK YOU.'
"Okay..." He squeaked... then shook his head trying to retain some manliness. Ironhide's smirk grew wider as he stepped back, allowing Will to think clearer. All that was going on in Will's mind was the words 'FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.' He hated what Ironhide did to him. Maybe he should find a nice woman. Settle down. And have a family... not imagining himself getting fucked by a ROBOT!. He cleared his throat and took a shot.
Ironhide watched Will as he fired the gun. "You missed." Will looked at the target and saw that he had missed the fake Barricade by like... a couple of centimetres. 'FUCK! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID ROBOT... FUCK YOU!'
"Oh yeah... Oops... let me... let me try that again" He took another shot, which missed the centre by an inch. "Fuck."
"One more, then it's my turn." Ironhide laughed. "Try not to miss this one... I don't want to completely humiliate you... just a little bit." Will whimpered. He really had to make sure Ironhide lost... then he could get some peace and quiet away from the robot... just to help clear his head.
"S-Sure" He closed his eyes and took another shot. He knew shooting blind was a bad idea, but he didn't want to see what he got.
"Wow, you actually hit something." Ironhide walked forwards and took the pistol from Will's hands. "Now, you can open your eyes and watch the master work." He opened his eyes and saw that he got a head shot.
"okay..." His brain had decided that his eyes were not gunna watch Ironhide's shooting they were gunna watch the Robots muscles in his arms.
"One... two... three." Ironhide placed the pistol down. "I guess this means I win. Are you even paying attention?" he turned to face Will, studying his gormless expression.
"Huh... Oh yeah... Uh... Shit... You actually won... Damnit... Uh... What do you want me to do then?" Will snapped his eyes up to Ironhide's. 'FUCK YOU IRONHIDE. FUCK YOU.'
"Firstly, I'm going to teach you how to shoot properly." Ironhide stated. "Will, go and stand in the booth."
"Okay... " He moved and picked the pistol and aimed it.
"Now stay there." Ironhide said, walking up behind Will. "Don't fire a shot. Just stand still." Will obeyed to the Autobots command. He tried to stay as still as possible, not wanting to give himself and his 'hormones' away any more than he already had.
"Stay still." Ironhide said. he stood behind Will and mirrored Will's stance, laying his hand over Will's. "I want you to aim for a target. Pick one." Will chose, he briefly wished there was one with a picture of Ironhide, just so he could try and get very sexy mental images out of his brain... But he settled on one of Megatron.
"Kayy, I've chosen"
"Good. Focus on nothing but that target." Ironhide breathed in Will's ear. 'FUCK YOU IRONHIDE. FUCK YOU.'
"uh... finding that pretty difficult" he mumbled to himself. "Okay..." He said a bit louder.
A.N;,. Okay… first chapter…. I think it went alright….
I know it kinda just cuts off, but this was chaptered after the fic was written, soo… in the next chapter, it's gunna have the last two sentences from the previous chapter, just so it makes sense.
Review?
xxxDarknessxxx