I can still feel him, I still feel the pain, and some days when I see a picture of him and his blue eyes, it's too hard to even dress myself. I'm not afraid of the rain pounding on this lonely house or afraid that sometimes I have to cry to get going. There are days that I pretend I'm okay, and yet when I see our friends and I realize you're not with me I die a little inside. It's just that going on without you is so hard. I was so close and yet I wasn't close enough. That's what hurts the most.
What hurts the most was being so close
What happens when you save words inside a heart? They come out too late. Maybe if I had told him I loved him he wouldn't have left. Maybe if I had kissed him right out there on the docks as he was leaving he wouldn't have left. But those are all ifs. None of it happened. I lost the love of my life, just because I was scared to admit I loved him. I was so immature back then. But then again maybe it was too late, maybe if I had said all the words in my heart left an untold story, he still would've left. His ship still would've crashed. But again it's all maybes and ifs. I guess I'll never know what could've been, and that's what hurts the most.
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing what could've been
Everywhere I go I see you. Everywhere I go I remember those memories that we had there. I actually smile for a little and then I realize we can never do that again. I can never smell your scent or play with your long brown hair. Then I force myself to get over it. Still it's even harder to get up, find the courage to go outside, and to just live with this damn regret. If I could just have those ten minutes before you left, all those words that I never told him I would trade and give away all the 'I love you' statements, the cheesy romance lines, and even the words that can't be spoken, only expressed, and every last word in my heart that I decided to leave unspoken.
What hurts the most was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing what could've been
I know I never said those three words. I never thought it would end this way, but I was saying I love you in my way. I couldn't express it in words because I didn't know what it was then. Every single time you wanted to leave I didn't want you to. When Ann married Jack, I was there for you and I didn't even say a word as my heart was breaking that Ann caused this and you didn't love me. I just showed my love in the little ways like always making you breakfast and bringing your lunch while you were at the church. You inspired me Cliff. You made me fall in love with you. It was something brand new to me and I never wanted it to end so I prayed for our futures to be inseparably intertwined. It's so ironically true now, because I can never forget you. But you never noticed it. You never noticed Cliff and maybe if I had told you I could've been your anchor your lifeline, but I only wanted you to be happy and so I-I let you go Cliff. I never wanted to do it, it was the hardest thing to do in my life. And then when I heard your ship crashed it was even harder. I wished you had noticed my love for you, maybe then I would have had the courage to tell you.
And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do…