Hello everyone! My first Sue parody, and I hope you like it. Remember, just a parody, not to be taken seriously! Please, PLEASE read and review! Enjoy!

The Redwall Sues Book I: The Start Of It All

Chapter I

The Beginning

Or

Lunarraii Moonlit Starrlyte Nytesky

Redwin, a young red squirrel, banged her head on the table as her mentor, another red squirrel named Branche read aloud a Suefic. She rubbed her head, blinking her slightly crossed eyes. "Aarghh! Is it worth going through this to be a Sueridder? IS this endless readings of these Suefics going to make me a good Sueridder?"

Branche sighed, drumming her paw on the table. "You haven't even started dealing with them. You need to learn about them to understand their ways. "

Redwin nodded. To be a Sueridder meant to rid all places of unrealistically perfect Mary Sues.

The young squirrel sighed. "Okay, I'm ready now, you can continue." Branche went back to reading the Suefic.

Meanwhile, deep in Mossflower, a pretty young squirrel was dancing along, singing in a beautiful clear voice. But she was no ordinary squirrel.

She was extraordinarily beautiful.

Her richly colored obsidian coat gleamed in the sun, shining and rippling, her tiny delicate paws holding a pink rose. She had glistening tiny pointed ears, her tail was shimmery and extremely fluffy, like a misty blue black cloud, and her eyes, though they were huge, did not look in any way disproportionate, and they were a rich, clear blue that rivaled a pure night sky. Her deep blue eyes sparkled with trillions of lights like stars and diamonds, and they glittered softly.

She was...

A Mary Sue.

Her name was…

Lunarraii Moonlit Starrlyte Nytesky Moonbeauty Silverpaw Lytestarr Bleunyte Darkjewel Cloudtail Sparkleye Daarluna Midnyte. Yep, that's all there is to it. Fancy memorizing it, anyone?

She was in Mossflower. The birds, with a glazed, overly tame look in their eyes, fluttered down to place flowers in her headfur, with rippled and flowed like silk. Then the birds would fly back to their nests to recover from the Sue-spell.

The Sue danced and sang the poor birds from their trees, and the birds would come down and place more flowers in her headfur. Then, even more dazed than before, they would fly back to their nests to recover.

Let's hope the Sue doesn't find Redwall. They have suffered enough. You'll know what I mean if you read the Redwall Sue parodies.

Redwin and Branche had finished the reading of the Suefic, and were thoroughly sickened, but Branche less than Redwin. Redwin banged her head on the table to clear it, and Branche looked on. "I guess it could help shake off the Sue-spell, but you'll be bruised by the end of the day."

Redwin lifted her face, and said, "There aren't more, there can't be!"

Branche shook her head. "No more, you're free now."

The young squirrel left, glad to be finished with the Suefic.

Lunarraii Moonlit Starrlyte Nytesky sat daintily beneath a tree, once again singing dazed birds from the trees. The Sue had her plans. To make all as perfect and beautiful as she. She of the perfect form, willowy and graceful, she of the slender frame and moonlight tinted eyes, she of the rippling fur. All must be as good and pure as she!

After she was done with the birds, (who were now in their nests, attempting to rid their suddenly much too tame minds of the Sue-spell) the sue patted her flower-laced headfur and glanced down at the pale blue dress that rippled and flowed about her like a waterfall, with the sleeves and waist bound with gold thread. Everybeast would be as perfect as her!

Several weeks later…

A tall, skinny squirrel was leaning on a warm red sandstone wall of Redwall Abbey, gripping a simple rapier in one paw, and an easygoing air about her, which vanished as soon as she spotted a dainty figure in the distance. She pushed the rapier into her belt, grasping her bow and drawing an arrow from her green quiver. Taking careful aim, she fitted the arrow into the bow, fired at the dancing figure, and…

In a shower of pink glitter and golden light caused the arrow to explode (as it was not Sue-proofed) and Redwin clapped a paw to her forehead. "Oh, shoo-"

"Who dares challenge me with feathered weapon? You shall meet your fate at the paws of-"

Redwin slammed her paws over her ears, dropping the bow. An impossibly loud, yet beautiful voice roared out across the Abbey grounds.

Redwin groaned. The Mary Sue. Snatching her rapier, she prepared for the attack-

"GRRRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!"

The Sue was running swiftly, brandishing a jewel encrusted golden sword with a diamond the size of a egg on it's hilt, the glowing blade was wide, and longer than the pretty squirrelmaid was tall.

Redwin dove out of the way of the slashing blade, grabbing Lunarraii's footpaws and pulling. Squealing, the Sue tripped gracefully, with a tragic scream.

"Oh slay me, foul creature, and let me die knowing my efforts were not in vain!"

Redwin stole a glance over her shoulder, and…

More sues. Muuuuch more sues.

Redwin twirled her rapier, and realized…

Lunarraii was gone.

How were there soooo many sues?

[Flashback]

The gorgeous dark squirrel skipped through the forest, laughing a clear, bubbly laugh that rippled and flowed like a spring in springtime…

"How goes there!"

The maid halted, her eyes glowering dangerously.

"I, Lunarraii Moonlit Starrlyte Nytesky Moonbeauty Silverpaw Lytestarr Bleunyte Darkjewel Cloudtail Sparkleye Daarluna Midnyte the Beautiful!"

"Huh?"

A tall, burly otter emerged from a hidden cave, clutching a javelin. The squirrelmaid smiled in anticipation. She would start her plan.

She sang softly, drawing nearer every moment, and…

The lovely squirrel placed a paw on the otter's forehead…

Poof! Stu.

The otter was now extraordinarily tall, with sleek brown fur that shone, and deep sea green eyes, which gleamed like the ocean. His paws were the darkest ebony black, and the fur on his throat was a bright creamy gold. The otter's formerly drab grey tunic was replaced by a rich red one, the worn barkcloth belt was now snakeskin, with a gold buckle. Upon a circlet of gold a peacock feather was placed, and in place of a javelin, a massive sword was. The sword was gold with a silver hilt, rubies, diamonds, emeralds, amethysts, sapphires and topaz were inlaid all over it.

Lunarraii surveyed the otter, and pranced off, the glaze-eyed creature in her wake.

[End of Flashback]

Redwin, acting quickly, tore open a pack strapped to her belt, and yanked out a metal tin. She crinkled her nose as she opened it, for the stench was disgusting. Garlic, onion, mould, and durian (for those of you who do not know what durian is, it's an Asian fruit that smells so bad, it's not allowed in some public places, such as buses) were recognizable smells.

The squirrel dipped the end of her rapier into the paste, closed the tin, and prepared for the sues.

Where was Lunarraii?

On the walltops.

Leaving a trail of pink and purple sparklies in her wake.

Singing.

Thank goodness the poor birds weren't coming out of the trees.

Bewildered Abbeydwellers heard a beautiful voice, and…

Lunarraii was prancing closer to the stairway.

Redwin grabbed rope from her pack, a grappling hook attached to the end. She swung it over the wall, it latched on, she grasped the end of the rope, and climbed. Dangling in midair, she watched as Sues and Stus alike thundered closer and closer, and an overly sweet and sickening stench like that of roses but sickeninger (I don't think that was a word, but it is now!) filled the air. Swinging her rapier (the paste on the tip still stank horribly) she called,

"Sues! Don't you think you ought to leave? How can you stand yourselves?"

The Sues growled, and the Stus swung their blades and other weaponry, yelling, for they were much too perfect to snarl.

Redwin swung around, brandishing her rapier, and at the smell, the pack of Sues and Stus parted. Redwin sighed. Perhaps she could get Branche to come, or even Griffle. Maybe not Griffle. The mouse was probably on a more important mission.

The army of Sues and Stus were pressing closer, and some had swung grappling hooks over the walls. Redwin chopped down ropes a few with her Sue-proofed blade, and the Sues and Stus fell to the ground, Sues screaming tragically. Redwin threw the remaining ends of the grappling hooks that were still attached to the walltops down at the army.

Once she was satisfied that she had at least injured a few Stus and Sues, she reached into a pocket in her tunic and pulled out a small device, that resembled a smartphone, except that on the back, a normal sword was crossed with a Sue-sword, and in red letters above the swords, it said: The SueRidders.

Redwin pressed several buttons on it, then spoke into it.

"Griffle!"

"Eh, don't have to yell, Red." The voice was gruff, and sounded irritated.

"There's a Sue attack on Redwall, and we need you!"

"I can't, Redwin. I'm on-"

"Griffle! It's an ARMY! Led by a squirrel Sue! I'm only an apprentice SueRidder! I can't deal with them on my own!"

"Army? Army? Big one?"

"Yes! Huge one!"

"Alright, then, on my way!"

"Please ask Branche to come with you!"

With that, she pressed another button, and the SueRidder phone disappeared into her pocket.

Fending off the sues, who were scaling the walls with amazing sueish speed, Redwin awaited her fellow SueRidders.

Inside the Abbey…

Martin cocked an ear towards the doorway. "I hear singing."

Gonff furrowed his brow. "Funny, nobeast sounds like that here, matey."

"Ooh, let me in! The horrible squirrel shall slay me! Help!"

Gonff reached for the doorknob. "Sounds like somebeast needs help."

Martin grabbed his paw. "They said horrible squirrel, mate. Squirrels are friends."

"Oh, why do you wait!" the tragic voice called.

Gonff cracked the door open slightly, peered out and his jaw dropped.

He sat there for a few moments, looking completely idiotic. Then he slammed the door shut, walked to the nearest wall, banged his head, and sat down on a nearby armchair, uncrossing his eyes.

Martin raised a skeptical eyebrow. "What was that all about?"

The mousethief croaked, "Sue."

Martin pulled a smartphone from his pocket and frantically dialed a number.

"Ooo, help me! Save me!" The delicate voice pleaded.

"Hello?" a voice sounded from Martin's phone.

"Martin the Warrior here, we need you!"

The SueRidder at the other end said, "Right. So you have a sue problem?"

"WHY ELSE WOULD I CALL YOU!"

"First of all, do NOT look at the Sue. Second, do NOT spea-"

"I KNOW! I KNOW! JUST GET ON OVER HERE!"

"Righto, Mr. Warrior. Sending over three SueRidders."

"GOOD!"

Martin shoved the phone back into his pocket, sighing.

"I only hope they can come fast enough."

"Be doo, badey, doo." Gonff said in a funny voice.

They covered their ears as Lunarraii screamed dire warnings.

At the SueRidder headquarters…

"Two calls! Two calls! From the same place!"

"Where, Hyule?"

"Redwall Abbey!"

"NOOOOO! NOT THE ABBEY! HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH?"

Everbeast cried in unsion.

Acrove, a big burly otter, was the first to put his head in his paws and cry like a baby. He was soon followed by Liva, a pretty (not Sue) squirrel, Elzine who was a hedgehog in his middle seasons, and Wyn, an experienced SueRidder mouse.

Hyule, who was the SueRidder's leader, a sleek otter with a white scar from a long gone Suefight on his forearm, shifted awkwardly as he surveyed the scene that his news caused.

"Er, er, are we going to help them, er, um, or what?"

"YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!"

Everybeast cried in unsion again.

"Uh, okay."

He glanced at Acrove, Liva, Elzine and Wyn, who's tear streaked faces were upturned.

"Griffle and Branche are on their way, but I need five more, for there is a Sue and Stu army, and a Sue inside the Abbey. I will also need ten extra SueRidders. Some of ours are battling the Sues at Salamandastron, so who wants to go to Mossflower? And who wants to take Griffle's place at the mountain?"

All paws were raised, even the still teary Acrove, Liva, Elzine and Wyn's.

Soon, Hyule had two SueRidders to join Griffle and Branche.

Those were Acrove and a mole named Urrby.

And he had three to rid Martin and poor Gonff of the squirrel Sue.

They were Liva, Drall the albino mouse, and a black otter named Jeyla.

And ten extra SueRidders to be ready if needed.

Wyn, the otter twins Rim and Rin, a lanky hare named Tache, Reyla, the smart ferretmaid, Tallelm, a tall, lean squirrel, a mole named Drubb, mouse cousins Gertana and Rettel, and the dark otter, Reffa.

To take Griffle's place, there was,

Torc a mouse who came from the northlands, and the squirrel Elmni who they decided would be good to go along with Torc.

At the abbey…

Redwin dodged a golden Sue-arrow. The Sues and Stus, being Sues and Stus, had unnatural skill, and Redwin wanted to get back on the ground so she could stop ducking as arrows whistled past her and buried themselves in the stonewall. Only Sue arrows can do that.

There would be only one way to get to the ground without the Sues guessing what she was doing…

She leapt off the rope, gripping her rapier.

In the Abbey…

"AARRGGHH! WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO BE HERE!"

Martin roared for the gazillionth time as Lunarraii screamed (for she was much too perfect to screech),

"O WICKED WARRIORS! O MARTIN AND GONFF, WHY DO YOU LEAVE ME TO BE HUNTED DOWN BY THE CRUEL EV-GGRRRMMMMFFFF!"

There was a scuffling sound, like a fight, and Martin cracked the door open.

"STAY IN, MARTIN! SHE IS A SUE!"

Martin shut the door.

"Looks like they're here."

Gonff looked much happier.

"Good, good, badey!"

"Umm, do you really have that funny voice? Are you tricking me?"

"Doe! Dod fagingk!"

"Huh?"

"Oh, devah bind!"

"Uhh.."

Gonff made a face at his friend.

Martin was too absorbed pressing his ear against the door to notice. He wanted to hear the fight being fought on the other side.

"AAAAAAAIIIIII!"

"GRRRMMMFFFFF! GERROFF, SUE!"

"NOT A SUE! JUST EXTROARDINARILY BEAU-AAAAAAIIIII!"

"WWHHOOOAAAA!"

KER-WHUMP!

Chapter II

Sues and Stus

Coming May 2nd, 2012!

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! Like I said before, PLEASE review! It is Really, really, really, really,REALLY appreciated! A lot! And, if you want to know more about Redwin,(my alter ego) visit my profile! And please do not hold back on the constructive criticism!

-FresianRoses